Over this Christmas break, you may be tempted to attend a concert or two, or in the case of you ambitious musicians out there, perhaps you are going to try to gig somewhere. Well, before you do any of these things, please heed these pieces of advice:
1. Rules for Performers:
a) Singers: Do not under any circumstance grab the microphone with two hands and close your eyes to sing...ever. Oh, and stop dressing your hands and wrists with strings, bands, henna tattoos, rings, and whatever else you're using to try to mask the fact that you aren't playing an instrument. And stand the fuck up every once in a while. The whole cripple with an inner ear infection bit got tired when Bono was in his 20s. Also, please no dancing. Only Rock and Roll maneuvers will be acceptable, such as holding the mic out to the crowd or going back-to-back with your guitarist, but don't grab him while he's trying to play...he doesn't have the luxury of doing nothing like you do. He has to concentrate on you know, playing an instrument.
b) Bass Players: Hang out in the back, don't move around too much. If you need to talk, talk to the drummer. No more of this primping and prancing. We want to see you showing off like we want to see some fancy moves from the referee at a football game. Provide backing vocals when necessary, do your thing...long story short: keep it simple.
c) Drummers: Wear a shirt, especially one with sleeves, that would be ideal. Also, gloves are not necessary...you aren't bench-pressing anything. I am a drummer, and yes you get blisters, so maybe put the sticks down every once in a while, or bring some tape, easy as that.
2. No more "witty" banter: As a rock star you are constantly surrounded by people who think you shit velvet, and those people have probably led you to believe that you're a pretty funny guy. But here' the thing: you're not. Like at all. We all know you probably love drinking beers and you love women and stuff, yeah because you are a cool rock n' rollster, like Uncle Jesse or Brett Michaels. Well, that's fantastic. Also, simply because you swear a lot while talking to the audience does not make you a badass, nor does it make you look really laid-back and hip. You simply look desperate to appear down-to-earth.
3. Rules for Concertgoers:
a) Do not yell out song requests. Musicians have these things called set lists and they are integral with lighting and...never mind, you're drunk. Just stop it.
b) Do not make out at concerts. We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parent's basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn't lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe.
c) Stop taking pictures with your cell phone cameras- You people spend $100 to go to a concert so that you can watch the entire event on a 3-inch by 2-inch green-lit, night-vision screen. Rather than enjoying the music, you spend your time trying to determine if that speck that looks like a glow in the dark amoeba swimming around in a cloudy bucket of piss is Bono or the Edge.
Peace Love and Understanding
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
The 7 Most X-Treme Products
If the 90's gave us anything, besides Kurt Cobain's suicide, The Usual Suspects, and "My Brother and Me.," it was the movement of Corporate America towards exploiting teenagers' love of the EXTREME!!!
Armed with a can of neon-green paint and a fistfull of exclamation points, these corporations unleashed a wave of new and exciting products into the lives of the average American. I will now present you, my readers, with the most extreme of these products.
7. RC Cars!!!
Remember when remote-controlled cars were a simple hobby or a chance for a lonely kid to discover engineering? FORGET THAT, GRAMPS!
The Firestorm, the Inferno, The Hurricane, and the T-Rex are here to burn your house down and eat your livestock!
RC Cars don't resemble anything you would see on the road: some have giants wheels, some have mechanical teeth, and some are just a handgun with wheels attached to it. The days of the tinny-sounding, whiny engines are long-gone. They have been replaced by the much more extreme sounding Turbo V-8.
These Extreme RC Cars don't simply race around a track, no sir. They spend most of their time smashing into shit. but they stopped making them when that kid burned his little brother's face off. How X-treme is that?! Up next from RC: The Suicide Bomber, The Colonoscopy, and The Holocaust.
Level of X-Tremeness: You know those water-tornadoes you can make my connecting two soda bottles? Well pretty much like 12 of those, all connected.
6. Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic, the original badboy of the Sega Genesis is known for his in-your-face attitude, gravity-defying speed, and love of gold rings. These are all very x-treme attributes. He is all about blowing up robots and foiling the plans of an overweight doctor. He goes balls to the wall 24/7, motherfucker. He will dash right into your spine, and doesn't give a fuck.
As of late, the X-tremeness of the Sonic franchise has been somewhat diluted. (I mean chili dogs, really? Last time I checked, Sonic got by on an all-pussy diet. ) However, despire all of this, Sonic does retain his same sense of X-treme. Like remember when you land on the biplane at the end of Sonic 2? Sick.
Level of Extremeness: A busload of electric guitarists jumping an alligator-filled Grand Canyon.
5. Corn Nuts!!
What is more badass than a roasted corn snack? Nothing apparantly, according to Corn Nuts. The makers of this snack convinced America that the unpopped corn kernals left over from the Orville Redenbacher plant were in fact extreme nuggets of nacho-cheese snackerifficness. To show you how badass and x-treme their product was, the company had a gang of mutant cobs of corn essentially goading you into eating them, lest they sexually assault a loved-one. Looking at a bag, one imagines an angry cob bending you over a desk and whipping you with his horrifying husks, or else helping other cobs beat you into membership in an all-corn street gang.
3. Right-Guard X-treme
For the place on your body you thought would never be X-treme enough to challenge your taint: Right Guard X-treme! Coat your underarms with this pine-scented gel and even your most X-treme friends will be ashamed of their own, dull, workaday armpits.
Deoderant was a latecomer to the land of X-treme marketing, only getting really hardcore after 2000. Seeing as how antiperspirant gels and being X-treme are such a good match, one has to wonder how this didn't happen sooner. Really, it's a no-brainer: after skateboarding off of the world's biggest ramp or pulling an 1180 on your BMX, what does a truly X-treme person need more than the assurance that his deoderant is kicking the shit out of stink molecules, as portrayed by sexy roller derby babes?
Furthermore, They had celebrity endorsements from Method Man, Red Man, and king of X-treme Bam Margera, who you know has to stink something fierce. As the '90s mantra goes,"if it's X-treme enough for a skateboarder who named himself after Barney Rubble's son and routinely beats his fat father on national television, it's X-treme enough for me."
Level of X-Tremeness: A helicopter battle raging around the surface of the moon.
2. Ultra-Violent Video Games!!
From Killer Instinct to Mortal Kombat to Duke Nukem to Tomb Raider, the '90s saw a major upswing in the badassness of video games. For example, compare the above with a list of games from the '80s: Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Pac-Man Jr., Pac-Maphrodite, Fuckin' Gay-ass Grandpa Pac-Man, and Q-Bert. I rest my case. While those yellow sons of bitches were gobbling fruit and running from multi-colored ghosts named Blinky and Inky, the Duke was shooting space-pigs and ogling pixilated stripper boobs. No, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to. It's X-treme.
For the first time, the X-treme movement gave gamers the chance to vent their frustration at parents who wouldn't allow them to skip school to go to a Metal Mulisha BMX show by ripping out each others' spines. And, also, raiding tombs.
Level of X-Tremeness: An army of Mexican Wrestlers personally delivering you several items from Taco Bell while you watch "Three Ninjas"
1. Mountain Dew!!
Mountain Dew is the only drink so hardcore, you can't even drink it. Go ahead, try. I guarantee you'll spit it right out. That's how X-treme it is. Careful you don't spit it onto anything important though; that shit will burn through plexiglass.
Level of Extremeness: Eh, pretty high I'd say.
Peace Love and Understanding
Armed with a can of neon-green paint and a fistfull of exclamation points, these corporations unleashed a wave of new and exciting products into the lives of the average American. I will now present you, my readers, with the most extreme of these products.
7. RC Cars!!!
Remember when remote-controlled cars were a simple hobby or a chance for a lonely kid to discover engineering? FORGET THAT, GRAMPS!
The Firestorm, the Inferno, The Hurricane, and the T-Rex are here to burn your house down and eat your livestock!
RC Cars don't resemble anything you would see on the road: some have giants wheels, some have mechanical teeth, and some are just a handgun with wheels attached to it. The days of the tinny-sounding, whiny engines are long-gone. They have been replaced by the much more extreme sounding Turbo V-8.
These Extreme RC Cars don't simply race around a track, no sir. They spend most of their time smashing into shit. but they stopped making them when that kid burned his little brother's face off. How X-treme is that?! Up next from RC: The Suicide Bomber, The Colonoscopy, and The Holocaust.
Level of X-Tremeness: You know those water-tornadoes you can make my connecting two soda bottles? Well pretty much like 12 of those, all connected.
6. Sonic the Hedgehog
Sonic, the original badboy of the Sega Genesis is known for his in-your-face attitude, gravity-defying speed, and love of gold rings. These are all very x-treme attributes. He is all about blowing up robots and foiling the plans of an overweight doctor. He goes balls to the wall 24/7, motherfucker. He will dash right into your spine, and doesn't give a fuck.
As of late, the X-tremeness of the Sonic franchise has been somewhat diluted. (I mean chili dogs, really? Last time I checked, Sonic got by on an all-pussy diet. ) However, despire all of this, Sonic does retain his same sense of X-treme. Like remember when you land on the biplane at the end of Sonic 2? Sick.
Level of Extremeness: A busload of electric guitarists jumping an alligator-filled Grand Canyon.
5. Corn Nuts!!
What is more badass than a roasted corn snack? Nothing apparantly, according to Corn Nuts. The makers of this snack convinced America that the unpopped corn kernals left over from the Orville Redenbacher plant were in fact extreme nuggets of nacho-cheese snackerifficness. To show you how badass and x-treme their product was, the company had a gang of mutant cobs of corn essentially goading you into eating them, lest they sexually assault a loved-one. Looking at a bag, one imagines an angry cob bending you over a desk and whipping you with his horrifying husks, or else helping other cobs beat you into membership in an all-corn street gang.
Did the strategy work? Hell yes! You can hardly go anywhere in the rural South these days without seeing someone crunching into a handful of Corn Nuts, gladly sacrificing their few remaining teeth for the exhilarating flavor of Corn Gone Wrong.
Level of Extremeness: Tony Hawk coming to your 8th birthday party.
4. The X-Games!!
How can it get more x-treme than having "X" right in the name???
When you sit down to watch some X-games coverage, don't be surprised if you find yourself literally blown to the back of the room as an electric guitar wails to a fourteen-year-old snowboarder grinding pipes. The X-games are like your cool older cousin. Instead of doing homework, he smokes weed and sneaks into R-rated movies.
3. Right-Guard X-treme
For the place on your body you thought would never be X-treme enough to challenge your taint: Right Guard X-treme! Coat your underarms with this pine-scented gel and even your most X-treme friends will be ashamed of their own, dull, workaday armpits.
Deoderant was a latecomer to the land of X-treme marketing, only getting really hardcore after 2000. Seeing as how antiperspirant gels and being X-treme are such a good match, one has to wonder how this didn't happen sooner. Really, it's a no-brainer: after skateboarding off of the world's biggest ramp or pulling an 1180 on your BMX, what does a truly X-treme person need more than the assurance that his deoderant is kicking the shit out of stink molecules, as portrayed by sexy roller derby babes?
Furthermore, They had celebrity endorsements from Method Man, Red Man, and king of X-treme Bam Margera, who you know has to stink something fierce. As the '90s mantra goes,"if it's X-treme enough for a skateboarder who named himself after Barney Rubble's son and routinely beats his fat father on national television, it's X-treme enough for me."
Level of X-Tremeness: A helicopter battle raging around the surface of the moon.
2. Ultra-Violent Video Games!!
From Killer Instinct to Mortal Kombat to Duke Nukem to Tomb Raider, the '90s saw a major upswing in the badassness of video games. For example, compare the above with a list of games from the '80s: Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Pac-Man Jr., Pac-Maphrodite, Fuckin' Gay-ass Grandpa Pac-Man, and Q-Bert. I rest my case. While those yellow sons of bitches were gobbling fruit and running from multi-colored ghosts named Blinky and Inky, the Duke was shooting space-pigs and ogling pixilated stripper boobs. No, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to. It's X-treme.
For the first time, the X-treme movement gave gamers the chance to vent their frustration at parents who wouldn't allow them to skip school to go to a Metal Mulisha BMX show by ripping out each others' spines. And, also, raiding tombs.
Level of X-Tremeness: An army of Mexican Wrestlers personally delivering you several items from Taco Bell while you watch "Three Ninjas"
1. Mountain Dew!!
Mountain Dew is the only drink so hardcore, you can't even drink it. Go ahead, try. I guarantee you'll spit it right out. That's how X-treme it is. Careful you don't spit it onto anything important though; that shit will burn through plexiglass.
Few recall that incredible as these soft drinks are, however, Mountain Dew and its whole family of X-treme sodas-Livewire, Baja Blast, MDX, and Tiger's Blood-are all just pale imitations of the king of X-treme sodas: SURGE Cola. Yes, all caps: SURGE. SURGE was the apotheosis of all that is X-treme, and its sole heir is that delightful extract we call the Dew. The ritual known as "Doing the Dew," usually observed either by base jumping while on fire or skydiving backwards (that's being hoisted into a plane at high velocity), is the X-treme aficionado's small way of remembering SURGE, and all it and Mountain Dew have done for us.
Level of Extremeness: Eh, pretty high I'd say.
Peace Love and Understanding
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
How To Get a Good Job, pt. 3
So now that you are ready to go, let's prep for that ever-important interview, shall we?
Now, remember: you never get a second chance for a first impression, so it is important to tread lightly at first. The boss will try to engage you in small-talk upon first meeting you. Be careful to thoughtfully and carefully answer each of your future boss's questions, because although they may seem like little wastes of time, they are in fact a stealth way for the boss to discover you many personality flaws and shortcomings!
For example
Boss: "Hey, how are you doing?"
Hmm...why exactly does the boss want to know how you are doing? Red Flag! Is he asking if perhaps you have had a problem with drugs or alcohol, and are now in the process of rehabbing? Does he think you have something to hide?
Since you will at this point want to respond with an answer that displays your intelligence, enthusiasm, and charisma, you should show your boss you are not easily fooled by his trap.
One possible way to respond is:
You: "I stab you DEAD!" (then you lunge at him with a serrated combat knife).
While this does show your charisma and keen intellect, it also shows your boss that you lack basic "people skills." Your intentions were in the right place, but the execution was all wrong!
Let's try it again:
Boss: "Hey, how are you?"
You: "I stab you DEAD" (but you DON'T lunge at him with a knife).
Good, now that the small talk is over, it's time to move on to the body of the interview. Your boss will try to trip you up by finding discrepancies between your resume and real life. Be ready for these traps!
Boss: "So, it says here you went to Harvard..."
You: "YES!! I swear to GOD, I seriously went to Harvard!"
Boss: "umm ok, good, have you--"
You: "For Pete's sake, I really went to Harvard!! Why would I lie about that? The reason you probably couldn't get in touch with any of my references is that they uhhh all went out of town this week! I am serious!!"
Boss: "Ok, that's fine I believe you.."
You: "I FUCKING WENT THERE!!! AHHHHH!!! HARVARD!!"
Now, the boss will believe that you went to Harvard, whether you did or not, due to your savvy smooth-talk. Next, the boss will try to question your motivation and interest in working at his company. You need to mask your real reason that you "need money," and think of ways to show your boss that you have great personality traits and a good work ethic. Show him that you are all about team spirit and so forth.
Boss: "So why do you want to be a part of InterCoreSoft Marketing Strategies?"
You: "I love being on a team! Hurray! I have a can-do attitude that needs to be around other strapping gentlemen who enjoy rolling up their sleeves, getting dirty and doing a hard day's work! Yay friends!"
Boss: "umm ok good.."
You: "Life's troubles are like a rainbow, and there is gold at the end! Yay, life is like a box of yum-yum cookies! Turn that from upsidedown! Shift paradigms! Think outside the box and maximize output!"
Boss: "please get security in here..."
You: "Look, watch watch!!!" (you jump out the window into traffic)
Now that you have thoroughly impressed your boss with all the skills and traits needed in an employee, you can sit back and wait for the job offers to roll in!
Peace, Love and Understanding
Now, remember: you never get a second chance for a first impression, so it is important to tread lightly at first. The boss will try to engage you in small-talk upon first meeting you. Be careful to thoughtfully and carefully answer each of your future boss's questions, because although they may seem like little wastes of time, they are in fact a stealth way for the boss to discover you many personality flaws and shortcomings!
For example
Boss: "Hey, how are you doing?"
Hmm...why exactly does the boss want to know how you are doing? Red Flag! Is he asking if perhaps you have had a problem with drugs or alcohol, and are now in the process of rehabbing? Does he think you have something to hide?
Since you will at this point want to respond with an answer that displays your intelligence, enthusiasm, and charisma, you should show your boss you are not easily fooled by his trap.
One possible way to respond is:
You: "I stab you DEAD!" (then you lunge at him with a serrated combat knife).
While this does show your charisma and keen intellect, it also shows your boss that you lack basic "people skills." Your intentions were in the right place, but the execution was all wrong!
Let's try it again:
Boss: "Hey, how are you?"
You: "I stab you DEAD" (but you DON'T lunge at him with a knife).
Good, now that the small talk is over, it's time to move on to the body of the interview. Your boss will try to trip you up by finding discrepancies between your resume and real life. Be ready for these traps!
Boss: "So, it says here you went to Harvard..."
You: "YES!! I swear to GOD, I seriously went to Harvard!"
Boss: "umm ok, good, have you--"
You: "For Pete's sake, I really went to Harvard!! Why would I lie about that? The reason you probably couldn't get in touch with any of my references is that they uhhh all went out of town this week! I am serious!!"
Boss: "Ok, that's fine I believe you.."
You: "I FUCKING WENT THERE!!! AHHHHH!!! HARVARD!!"
Now, the boss will believe that you went to Harvard, whether you did or not, due to your savvy smooth-talk. Next, the boss will try to question your motivation and interest in working at his company. You need to mask your real reason that you "need money," and think of ways to show your boss that you have great personality traits and a good work ethic. Show him that you are all about team spirit and so forth.
Boss: "So why do you want to be a part of InterCoreSoft Marketing Strategies?"
You: "I love being on a team! Hurray! I have a can-do attitude that needs to be around other strapping gentlemen who enjoy rolling up their sleeves, getting dirty and doing a hard day's work! Yay friends!"
Boss: "umm ok good.."
You: "Life's troubles are like a rainbow, and there is gold at the end! Yay, life is like a box of yum-yum cookies! Turn that from upsidedown! Shift paradigms! Think outside the box and maximize output!"
Boss: "please get security in here..."
You: "Look, watch watch!!!" (you jump out the window into traffic)
Now that you have thoroughly impressed your boss with all the skills and traits needed in an employee, you can sit back and wait for the job offers to roll in!
Peace, Love and Understanding
Thursday, September 4, 2008
How to Get a Good Job pt. 2
(Note: There are images in this post that are important if this entry is to make any sense. If you cannot see them, then visit my blog which can be found under "my websites" unless you are currently reading my blog, in which case carry on)
So when we left off, I told you I would tell you how to dress for a job interview. To start, here is how to NOT dress:
See? This poor fool will never get the job he seeks! His hair is unkempt and greasy. His WCW shirt is far too stained and wrinkled for the workplace, and his pants look as though they were stolen from a Salvation Army dumpster. This schmuck is not "hiring material" at all!
See? Now we are getting somewhere! He has now procured some tennis shoes, his hair is combed, and he has removed the stains from his WCW shirt. However, he is still far from being ready for his big interview!
Ahh! That is even better! Notice how the sharp, colorful and trendy suit draws the eyes away from the sagging groinf area? His confident air exudes responsibility and respect! However, he has something in his hand that you might not notice, but the keen eye of an employer will, and that is a big "no no." We can teach you how to fix this!
Huzzah! Success--full success! This young man is ready for his job, looking sharp as a thumbtack! He has even taken a bath, which brings me to a very important note:
1. Bathe regularly
2. Bathe BEFORE getting dressed.
I cannot stress how important it is to take these steps in the correct order. Seriously, nothing screams "unprofessional" like a wet, soapy individual. If you do not have a shower or bathtub, use a neighbor's pool. If no pool is available, break into a YMCA after hours and use their pool or showers. If there is no Y near you, go to Wal-Mart and rub air fresheners on your crotch. If this is not an option, ask your potential boss if he or she can interview you outside a meat-rendering plant.
Next time: The actual interview!!!
So when we left off, I told you I would tell you how to dress for a job interview. To start, here is how to NOT dress:
See? This poor fool will never get the job he seeks! His hair is unkempt and greasy. His WCW shirt is far too stained and wrinkled for the workplace, and his pants look as though they were stolen from a Salvation Army dumpster. This schmuck is not "hiring material" at all!
See? Now we are getting somewhere! He has now procured some tennis shoes, his hair is combed, and he has removed the stains from his WCW shirt. However, he is still far from being ready for his big interview!
Ahh! That is even better! Notice how the sharp, colorful and trendy suit draws the eyes away from the sagging groinf area? His confident air exudes responsibility and respect! However, he has something in his hand that you might not notice, but the keen eye of an employer will, and that is a big "no no." We can teach you how to fix this!
Huzzah! Success--full success! This young man is ready for his job, looking sharp as a thumbtack! He has even taken a bath, which brings me to a very important note:1. Bathe regularly
2. Bathe BEFORE getting dressed.
I cannot stress how important it is to take these steps in the correct order. Seriously, nothing screams "unprofessional" like a wet, soapy individual. If you do not have a shower or bathtub, use a neighbor's pool. If no pool is available, break into a YMCA after hours and use their pool or showers. If there is no Y near you, go to Wal-Mart and rub air fresheners on your crotch. If this is not an option, ask your potential boss if he or she can interview you outside a meat-rendering plant.
Next time: The actual interview!!!
How to Get a Good Job
In this fast-paced world of industry, technology, and sociology majors living on peanut butter sandwiches in their parents' basement while buying gas with money they get from donating blood, everyone is searching for the perfect job. You may be asking yourself: "John, I applied for jobs, get called in for interviews and I never get called back! I did everything: I wore the finest clothes, spoke of my knowledge and expertise, and wore that Target brand cologne to cover up the smell of salami! What more can I do?
Well, it's actually quite easy. The key to nailing an interview is the quality of your resume. How do you make a grade-A resume? All you have to do is follow these easy steps!
Now, we all know that everyone lies on their resume---in fact, companies have come to expect this. The trick is to create awesome lies that will separate you from the other ham-fisted galoots out there looking for jobs. The following "embellishments" should spice up your resume enough to land you the job.
Also, make sure to add a ton of clipart to your resume to give it some visual flair. It also shows your boss that you have sophisticated "computer know-how." The best ones to use are the pictures of birthday presents, people dancing, or possibly that one with the lumberjack.
Next time: how to dress!!
Well, it's actually quite easy. The key to nailing an interview is the quality of your resume. How do you make a grade-A resume? All you have to do is follow these easy steps!
Now, we all know that everyone lies on their resume---in fact, companies have come to expect this. The trick is to create awesome lies that will separate you from the other ham-fisted galoots out there looking for jobs. The following "embellishments" should spice up your resume enough to land you the job.
- By taking certain "liberties" with your previous job titles, you can spice up your otherwise boring work experience. For example, "Hot Dog Vendor" can easily become "Processed Meat Distribution Manager." "High School Janitor" can become "Hazardous Waste Removal Agent."
- Lie about your name. Think about a name Bruce Willis would have in one of his kick-ass "sweaty guy who shoots like 10,000 terrorists" movies. Some good choices might include "Buff McMuscles," "Stone Breaker, Jr." " "Danger Steele" "Dan Everhard" "Ace Jackson" or "Beau McGonnical." If anyone hassles you about why the name on your Social Security card doesn't match up, throw hot coffee in their face and run. (Remember, always bring a Thermos of some sort of hot liquid to a job interview for just such emergencies).
- Try to do anything to connect to your potential employer. One example might be: "Oh your dad is Ted Johnson? That's MY dad too!!"
- Have you ever seen "Alligator: The Movie pt. 2"? I was the fifth guy to get eaten in that one scene where the alligator eats those people.
- I am the only person in the county to be fired from every mini-golf course and/or family-fun center.
- I find it difficult to keep a permenant residence.
- If I ever found a needle lying on the ground, I would pick it up and jam it into my arm. I hope that shows you what a dedicated worker I am, and the kind of 'can-do' attittude I bring to the workplace.
- It's not sweat, it's mucus.
- Clowns used to scare me, until I murdered a group of them while the carnival was closing. Now I am not afraid anymore. I think maybe that is a skill that could transfer over to the work environment.
Also, make sure to add a ton of clipart to your resume to give it some visual flair. It also shows your boss that you have sophisticated "computer know-how." The best ones to use are the pictures of birthday presents, people dancing, or possibly that one with the lumberjack.
Next time: how to dress!!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Guide To Surviving Mexico
Hello everyone, I am back writing again after a very hectic end of summer period. I did not feel inspired to write full article for the 2 final albums on my "Summer Albums" countdown, so I will tell you now that they were:
#2: "Carnival 99" by String Cheese Incident
and
#1: "The Mix-Up" by Beastie Boys
If you would like any sort of reasoning behind why I chose these albums, send me a message and I will send you back a personalized blog! hey how exciting!
In any event, I think I will get into today's topic: How to survive a trip to Mexico. Now, even though your old friend John has never been to Mexico, per se, I have seen enough Television and Taco Bell ads to give me a pretty good idea. Besides, assumptions are the best way to arrive at conclusions!
So, pretend for a second that you are an eager college student who wants to take a service trip to Mexico...what can you expect it to be like?
Transportation
Well, when you get there, you will want to take a bus to your destination. Buses in Mexico are not the sleek urban luxury vehicles that they are here in the ol' USA, rather they all seem to have been assembled sometime during Eisenhower's presidency, and resemble some makeshift escape craft the A-Team would have assembled while trapped in a cave filled with metal bars and duct tape.
When riding a Mexican bus, it should sound like an old freight train driving through a 500-ton mound of fire crackers, and should feel like a space shuttle re-entering earth's atmosphere with the windows rolled down. These features were carefully included by the Mexican Transit Authority.
Language
You obviously speak American, or as some nerds call it, English, but in Mexico everyone speaks a language refered to as "Mexican." Since learning a new language can be time-consuming and boring,the easiest way to get by in Mexico is to speak English with a Mexican accent. Then explain to the natives that you are simply a Mexican trying to learn English, and you are one of them. Once they buy your awesome lie, they will give you fantastic savings on whatever crap they are trying to sell.
If you find yourself in a bind and they start speaking intense Mexican to you, just nod your head, smirk, point at them and say: "ehh, Buenos Coches!" This is basically a cover-all term in Mexican that means "happy birthday," "how's it hanging?" "Yeah I hear ya" and many many others.
Staying Healthy
Many so-called "health board advisors" will try to tell you not to drink Mexican water simply because it not filtered, cleaned, or refined like in some "Civilized" countries. This is utter nonsense. What these science-types don't realize is that this is the original water that God put on Earth thousands of years ago, pure and without the scientific additions of things like fluoride or zinc. The parasites and dangerous diseases that fester in every ounce in Mexican water are simply things you should put in your body so you can quickly build up a resistance.
Also, Mexican water contains lots of other awesome items, that if picked out from a sifter can make your trip to Mexico more authentic such as:
Used condoms,
Tecate bottle caps,
Shotgun rounds (used),
Shotgun rounds (not used),
Blasting caps,
Gravel,
Tapeworms,
Small Mexicans.
More to come soon!
#2: "Carnival 99" by String Cheese Incident
and
#1: "The Mix-Up" by Beastie Boys
If you would like any sort of reasoning behind why I chose these albums, send me a message and I will send you back a personalized blog! hey how exciting!
In any event, I think I will get into today's topic: How to survive a trip to Mexico. Now, even though your old friend John has never been to Mexico, per se, I have seen enough Television and Taco Bell ads to give me a pretty good idea. Besides, assumptions are the best way to arrive at conclusions!
So, pretend for a second that you are an eager college student who wants to take a service trip to Mexico...what can you expect it to be like?
Transportation
Well, when you get there, you will want to take a bus to your destination. Buses in Mexico are not the sleek urban luxury vehicles that they are here in the ol' USA, rather they all seem to have been assembled sometime during Eisenhower's presidency, and resemble some makeshift escape craft the A-Team would have assembled while trapped in a cave filled with metal bars and duct tape.
When riding a Mexican bus, it should sound like an old freight train driving through a 500-ton mound of fire crackers, and should feel like a space shuttle re-entering earth's atmosphere with the windows rolled down. These features were carefully included by the Mexican Transit Authority.
Language
You obviously speak American, or as some nerds call it, English, but in Mexico everyone speaks a language refered to as "Mexican." Since learning a new language can be time-consuming and boring,the easiest way to get by in Mexico is to speak English with a Mexican accent. Then explain to the natives that you are simply a Mexican trying to learn English, and you are one of them. Once they buy your awesome lie, they will give you fantastic savings on whatever crap they are trying to sell.
If you find yourself in a bind and they start speaking intense Mexican to you, just nod your head, smirk, point at them and say: "ehh, Buenos Coches!" This is basically a cover-all term in Mexican that means "happy birthday," "how's it hanging?" "Yeah I hear ya" and many many others.
Staying Healthy
Many so-called "health board advisors" will try to tell you not to drink Mexican water simply because it not filtered, cleaned, or refined like in some "Civilized" countries. This is utter nonsense. What these science-types don't realize is that this is the original water that God put on Earth thousands of years ago, pure and without the scientific additions of things like fluoride or zinc. The parasites and dangerous diseases that fester in every ounce in Mexican water are simply things you should put in your body so you can quickly build up a resistance.
Also, Mexican water contains lots of other awesome items, that if picked out from a sifter can make your trip to Mexico more authentic such as:
Used condoms, Tecate bottle caps, Shotgun rounds (used), Shotgun rounds (not used), Blasting caps, Gravel, Tapeworms, Small Mexicans.More to come soon!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Summer Soundtrack Countdown :#3: "The Disovery of a World Inside the Moon"/ "New Magnetic Wonder"--The Apples in Stereo
So here I am back writing again, since I finally found some free time to write again. Today I am going to profile my choices for the number 3 spot on my countdown of the best summer albums. The reason I have two picks for this spot is that they are companion pieces that serve a specific purpose which I will explain shortly.
First of all I should explain that narrowing my choice of albums by this band down to two was a chore in itself. The Apples in Stereo are one of my all-time favorite bands, ever since they did a song about the Powerpuff Girls on Cartoon Network in about 1999. I own all of their albums and b-side collections, and I can honestly say that they might be THE summetime band. No band, with the possible exceptions of The String Cheese Incident and Elephant 6 compatriots Beulah have the knack for writing perfectly crafted summertime tunes that (unlike the Jack Johnsons of the world) don't all sound the same. PS I really like Jack Johnson.
Anyway, the Apples catalog is chock-full of dynamite pop ditties, as they capture the sound of the Kinks at their "Lola Vs. The Powerman"-era best, with the upbeat and often goofy lyrics of "One Chord To Another"-era Sloan tunes. This combination proves a success, at least as far as summertime music goes. And, by using these two albums, I have created a formula for a summer day, as one album is ideal for a lazy afternoon, while the other is perfect for the firefly-filled nights that follow.
To begin, "The Disovery..." is pure pop, as singer Robert Schneider belts out chunk after chunk of pure bubblegum goodness. Full of orchestration, the songs on this album incorporate horns, auxillery percussion, resonating backing vocals, and the Apples trademark jangly guitars. This album is ideal for an afternoon spent grilling in the backyard, catching some rays (yes, I said "catching some rays"), or doing some summer-type chore like cleaning out the garage or washing the car.
The best tracks on this one are:
Go: The upbeat album opener seems to set the stage for what will follow, being fun, catchy music that is incredibly easy to sing along to.
The Rainbow: Can now be heard in HP ads for their line of printers, this is probably the catchiest song on the album, borrows heavily from the Kinks siganture sound.
The Bird You Can't See: With it's funky keyboard and choppy guitar work, this song is a sign of the definite Motown influences on the band, and is also a great sing-along song.
Submarine Dream: This is the song that begins to set the mood for the second part of the day, that would eventually lead into my second choice on this spot of the countdown. It draws heavily from "White Album"-era Beatles, and though much more mellow that the other songs is still a great song in its own right.
This will lead us into the nightime portion of your day's playlist, which is where "New Magnetic Wonder" enters the scene.
This, the Apples most recent offering is much more mature in its songwriting and musical style. It features several track shorter than 1 minute in length that consist of vocoder noodling or short interludes between songs which creates the perfect segues from track to track, and serves nicely as background music.
This album seems influenced less by the Beatles and more by the power-pop of the Cars and 90's college jangle-rock of bands such as Miracle Legion and Buffalo Tom. This somewhat deeper and more straightforward approach makes it ideal for late night car rides and patio parties (yes I am sure some of you have patio parties).
The top tracks here are:
Can You Feel It?: Guaranteed to be lodged in your brain for about 3 weeks after you listen to it, this album opener is the perfect fit to start a party or car ride with.
Skyway: This track features a solid, crunchy guitar riff that carries throughout the song, and it's catchy chorus featuring "doo doo doos" make it another great sing-along offering.
Same Old Drag: Billy Joel meets They Might Be Giants in this light, groovy piano rocker.
Play Tough: This country-fried jangle-pop gem is essentially set to Pachelbel's Canon, but just like the other 50 million pop songs that also borrow from one of the most recognizable melodies in the history of Western Civilization, this one too is far too catchy to complain about originality. Another one you'll want to learn all the words to so you can sing along.
7 Stars: Possibly the best track on the album, this spacey pop song tells the story of a man who feels rejected by a woman who doesn't even know his name, but he finds solace in the stars as he knows every constellation, and while star gazing he recounts his tale of heartache. This song is powerful, emotional, catchy, and it rocks. One you'll definitely want playing as your bonfire fades down to its embers.
Beautiful Machine Parts 1-2: Without a doubt the catchiest song on the album, this one WILL be stuck in your head for weeks, as it borrows from the sensibilities of Cheap Trick and TMBG (again). Complete with a horns section, synthesizer, layered vocals, and a driving rhythm section, this song is perfect for a late night drive or a mood-setter at a party.
Open Eyes: Not the best song on the album, but one of them, and my personal favorite. This seems to be The Apples' take on Oasis, as it sounds exactly like something the British band would have included on their "Standing On the Shoulders of Giants" album. A simple 4-chord riff comprises the entire song, and it's Oasis (and by proxy Beatles) influenced orchestral horn and strings section makes this one of the most enjoyable songs on the album, as well as the most versatile, perfect for star gazing, partying, late night driving, or simply hanging out on a summer night at the beach.
So there you have it, my #3 selection(s). Stay tuned for the top 2!
Peace Love and Understanding
First of all I should explain that narrowing my choice of albums by this band down to two was a chore in itself. The Apples in Stereo are one of my all-time favorite bands, ever since they did a song about the Powerpuff Girls on Cartoon Network in about 1999. I own all of their albums and b-side collections, and I can honestly say that they might be THE summetime band. No band, with the possible exceptions of The String Cheese Incident and Elephant 6 compatriots Beulah have the knack for writing perfectly crafted summertime tunes that (unlike the Jack Johnsons of the world) don't all sound the same. PS I really like Jack Johnson.
Anyway, the Apples catalog is chock-full of dynamite pop ditties, as they capture the sound of the Kinks at their "Lola Vs. The Powerman"-era best, with the upbeat and often goofy lyrics of "One Chord To Another"-era Sloan tunes. This combination proves a success, at least as far as summertime music goes. And, by using these two albums, I have created a formula for a summer day, as one album is ideal for a lazy afternoon, while the other is perfect for the firefly-filled nights that follow.
To begin, "The Disovery..." is pure pop, as singer Robert Schneider belts out chunk after chunk of pure bubblegum goodness. Full of orchestration, the songs on this album incorporate horns, auxillery percussion, resonating backing vocals, and the Apples trademark jangly guitars. This album is ideal for an afternoon spent grilling in the backyard, catching some rays (yes, I said "catching some rays"), or doing some summer-type chore like cleaning out the garage or washing the car.
The best tracks on this one are:
Go: The upbeat album opener seems to set the stage for what will follow, being fun, catchy music that is incredibly easy to sing along to.
The Rainbow: Can now be heard in HP ads for their line of printers, this is probably the catchiest song on the album, borrows heavily from the Kinks siganture sound.
The Bird You Can't See: With it's funky keyboard and choppy guitar work, this song is a sign of the definite Motown influences on the band, and is also a great sing-along song.
Submarine Dream: This is the song that begins to set the mood for the second part of the day, that would eventually lead into my second choice on this spot of the countdown. It draws heavily from "White Album"-era Beatles, and though much more mellow that the other songs is still a great song in its own right.
This will lead us into the nightime portion of your day's playlist, which is where "New Magnetic Wonder" enters the scene.
This, the Apples most recent offering is much more mature in its songwriting and musical style. It features several track shorter than 1 minute in length that consist of vocoder noodling or short interludes between songs which creates the perfect segues from track to track, and serves nicely as background music.
This album seems influenced less by the Beatles and more by the power-pop of the Cars and 90's college jangle-rock of bands such as Miracle Legion and Buffalo Tom. This somewhat deeper and more straightforward approach makes it ideal for late night car rides and patio parties (yes I am sure some of you have patio parties).
The top tracks here are:
Can You Feel It?: Guaranteed to be lodged in your brain for about 3 weeks after you listen to it, this album opener is the perfect fit to start a party or car ride with.
Skyway: This track features a solid, crunchy guitar riff that carries throughout the song, and it's catchy chorus featuring "doo doo doos" make it another great sing-along offering.
Same Old Drag: Billy Joel meets They Might Be Giants in this light, groovy piano rocker.
Play Tough: This country-fried jangle-pop gem is essentially set to Pachelbel's Canon, but just like the other 50 million pop songs that also borrow from one of the most recognizable melodies in the history of Western Civilization, this one too is far too catchy to complain about originality. Another one you'll want to learn all the words to so you can sing along.
7 Stars: Possibly the best track on the album, this spacey pop song tells the story of a man who feels rejected by a woman who doesn't even know his name, but he finds solace in the stars as he knows every constellation, and while star gazing he recounts his tale of heartache. This song is powerful, emotional, catchy, and it rocks. One you'll definitely want playing as your bonfire fades down to its embers.
Beautiful Machine Parts 1-2: Without a doubt the catchiest song on the album, this one WILL be stuck in your head for weeks, as it borrows from the sensibilities of Cheap Trick and TMBG (again). Complete with a horns section, synthesizer, layered vocals, and a driving rhythm section, this song is perfect for a late night drive or a mood-setter at a party.
Open Eyes: Not the best song on the album, but one of them, and my personal favorite. This seems to be The Apples' take on Oasis, as it sounds exactly like something the British band would have included on their "Standing On the Shoulders of Giants" album. A simple 4-chord riff comprises the entire song, and it's Oasis (and by proxy Beatles) influenced orchestral horn and strings section makes this one of the most enjoyable songs on the album, as well as the most versatile, perfect for star gazing, partying, late night driving, or simply hanging out on a summer night at the beach.
So there you have it, my #3 selection(s). Stay tuned for the top 2!
Peace Love and Understanding
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Summer Soundtrack Countdown #4: "Lawn Boy"--Phish
The next entry on my countdown is "Lawn Boy," the 1990 release for the uber-jamband, Phish. The reason I choose this album over Phish's other albums, many of which are also quite serviceable summer-albums, is the fact that Lawn Boy contains sprawling jams, and a sound that literally becomes a backdrop for whatever occasion it is being played. The songs all seem to blend into one musical tapestry, and their easy, breezy lyrics are light and fun, perfect for setting any party atmosphere.
Another great aspect of this album is that the songs do not merely sprawl and exist, they are also undeniably catchy. Songs are built around tight hooks and harmonies, and each one is balanced on a groovy, bouncy hop, thanks to drummer Jon Fishman.
This album is not necessarily a great pick for road trips, since only a handful of the songs provide great sing-along fodder, but this is a perfect choice for any cookout or outdoor party.
The best tracks on this album are:
"Split Open and Melt"-- This loose groove really comes alive in concert, but on this studio album, it is still phenomenal. With a blast of horns that conjure aural memories of James Brown, this funky jaunt is sure to set a laid-back atmosphere for any occasion.
"Run Like and Antelope"--One of the band's most beloved songs, this epic song (9:54) is Phish at well, their most Phish-esque, operating on all cylinders. This is a great song to provide the background for a day at the beach or a bonfire. It is one of the most perfect summer songs I have ever heard, and it is one of the driving forces for this album's inclusion on my list.
"Lawn Boy"-- The title track is also one of the most interesting songs on this album, as it gives the listener a glimpse into what the band may have been, had it existed in 1962 on the Vegas Strip. This is lounge music at its finest, and the dreamy lyrics make this song perfect for any late night chill-fest, whether you are star-gazing or sitting in the hot tub, this song seems to just decelerate the pace of life.
"Bouncing Around the Room"--- This song gets the nod, since it is my favorite song on the album, and is one of the only songs on the album that is a great sing-along candidate. The title of the song also essentially describes the song's energy, as it bounces steadily from beginning to end. This is another example of Phish's dream-like lyrics that put the listener at ease, and the tight and overlapping harmonies wash over even the most stressed-out audience.
This album is a must-listen for anyone and everyone this summer.
Stayed tuned for the remaining 3 albums on the countdown!
Peace Love and Understanding
Another great aspect of this album is that the songs do not merely sprawl and exist, they are also undeniably catchy. Songs are built around tight hooks and harmonies, and each one is balanced on a groovy, bouncy hop, thanks to drummer Jon Fishman.
This album is not necessarily a great pick for road trips, since only a handful of the songs provide great sing-along fodder, but this is a perfect choice for any cookout or outdoor party.
The best tracks on this album are:
"Split Open and Melt"-- This loose groove really comes alive in concert, but on this studio album, it is still phenomenal. With a blast of horns that conjure aural memories of James Brown, this funky jaunt is sure to set a laid-back atmosphere for any occasion.
"Run Like and Antelope"--One of the band's most beloved songs, this epic song (9:54) is Phish at well, their most Phish-esque, operating on all cylinders. This is a great song to provide the background for a day at the beach or a bonfire. It is one of the most perfect summer songs I have ever heard, and it is one of the driving forces for this album's inclusion on my list.
"Lawn Boy"-- The title track is also one of the most interesting songs on this album, as it gives the listener a glimpse into what the band may have been, had it existed in 1962 on the Vegas Strip. This is lounge music at its finest, and the dreamy lyrics make this song perfect for any late night chill-fest, whether you are star-gazing or sitting in the hot tub, this song seems to just decelerate the pace of life.
"Bouncing Around the Room"--- This song gets the nod, since it is my favorite song on the album, and is one of the only songs on the album that is a great sing-along candidate. The title of the song also essentially describes the song's energy, as it bounces steadily from beginning to end. This is another example of Phish's dream-like lyrics that put the listener at ease, and the tight and overlapping harmonies wash over even the most stressed-out audience.
This album is a must-listen for anyone and everyone this summer.
Stayed tuned for the remaining 3 albums on the countdown!
Peace Love and Understanding
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Summer Soundtrack Countdown #5: "Charm School/The Broken String" --Bishop Allen
Part of what makes summer so great is the music that acts as the background to all of your activities. Whether you are working outside, sitting a bonfire, barbeque, or simple patio party, or lounging at the beach, the music you listen to shapes the atmosphere and experience.
Therefore, I am starting my countdown of the essential albums for you to listen to this summer. These albums set the perfect summer mood, through their musicianship, lyrics, and general laid-backness.
To start this countdown at number 5, we have a tie between two albums by the NYC indie-pop band Bishop Allen, two albums that really go hand-in-hand: "Charm School" and "The Broken String."
Bishop Allen's songs are almost entirely upbeat, acoustic, and most importantly CATCHY. They are loose, groovy, and fun, and serve as an excellent background for any road trip or party. Let's start with "Charm School."
This was Bishop Allen's first LP, and was released in 2003. From start to finish, it rings with the band's signature harmonies, acoustic twang, and interesting arrangements, featuring concert bells, piano, and various percussion instruments.
Rolling Stone describes the album as follows: If Modest Mouse spent a year in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit, they might emerge sounding like the delightful Brooklyn quartet Bishop Allen. That's not to say that these indie-poppers aren't a serious band. On their debut, Charm School, the foursome blend sharp, jangly guitars with catchy melodies and big choruses. Songwriters Justin Rice and Christian Rudder write cheeky lyrics and layer their tunes with handclaps ("Charm School") and singalongs ("Ghosts Are Good Company"). And the band's carefree attitude, along with their musicianship, make Charm School as addictive as it is playful. Add drummer Margaret Miller and bassist Bonnie Karin, and they enter indie elite. Karin's ethereal backing vocals complement Rice's perfectly -- propelling already memorable tracks into charmed harmonic bliss.
The top tracks on this album are "Eve of Destruction" and "Things Are What You Make of Them," as both provide fantastic sing-along fodder for any occasion.
Next, we look at "The Broken String" that picks up where "Charm School" leaves off, and increases the band's knack for interesting arrangements, as they know employ organ, horns, and strings. This album serves as a great continuation of the first album, and it would be worthwhile to listen to these albums as one continuous experience.
The top songs on this album are:
"Click Click Click Click," a song that many people may know from its use in Sony Camera commercials is one of the catchiest songs you will ever hear and is one of those songs you will most certainly put on repeat.
"Butterfly Nets" this song was included in my countdown of best star-gazing songs, and I stand by its merit as a summer song as well. This song is more mellow than much of the band's material, but is great for slowing down the pace of a get-together.
"Rain." This may be the band's catchiest, if not best song. It is incredibly upbeat, and it perfect for singing along with. This is also a phenomenal party song.
These two albums are an essential listen for this summer, and are only the tip of the iceberg for your summer soundtrack. I still have 4 spots to fill (which will actually comprise of 5 or 6 albums). Take my word on this countdown: If you have my albums serve as your summer soundtrack, you will have a better summer. Period.
Stayed tuned for more!
Peace Love and Understanding
Therefore, I am starting my countdown of the essential albums for you to listen to this summer. These albums set the perfect summer mood, through their musicianship, lyrics, and general laid-backness.
To start this countdown at number 5, we have a tie between two albums by the NYC indie-pop band Bishop Allen, two albums that really go hand-in-hand: "Charm School" and "The Broken String."
Bishop Allen's songs are almost entirely upbeat, acoustic, and most importantly CATCHY. They are loose, groovy, and fun, and serve as an excellent background for any road trip or party. Let's start with "Charm School."
This was Bishop Allen's first LP, and was released in 2003. From start to finish, it rings with the band's signature harmonies, acoustic twang, and interesting arrangements, featuring concert bells, piano, and various percussion instruments.
Rolling Stone describes the album as follows: If Modest Mouse spent a year in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit, they might emerge sounding like the delightful Brooklyn quartet Bishop Allen. That's not to say that these indie-poppers aren't a serious band. On their debut, Charm School, the foursome blend sharp, jangly guitars with catchy melodies and big choruses. Songwriters Justin Rice and Christian Rudder write cheeky lyrics and layer their tunes with handclaps ("Charm School") and singalongs ("Ghosts Are Good Company"). And the band's carefree attitude, along with their musicianship, make Charm School as addictive as it is playful. Add drummer Margaret Miller and bassist Bonnie Karin, and they enter indie elite. Karin's ethereal backing vocals complement Rice's perfectly -- propelling already memorable tracks into charmed harmonic bliss.
The top tracks on this album are "Eve of Destruction" and "Things Are What You Make of Them," as both provide fantastic sing-along fodder for any occasion.
Next, we look at "The Broken String" that picks up where "Charm School" leaves off, and increases the band's knack for interesting arrangements, as they know employ organ, horns, and strings. This album serves as a great continuation of the first album, and it would be worthwhile to listen to these albums as one continuous experience.
The top songs on this album are:
"Click Click Click Click," a song that many people may know from its use in Sony Camera commercials is one of the catchiest songs you will ever hear and is one of those songs you will most certainly put on repeat.
"Butterfly Nets" this song was included in my countdown of best star-gazing songs, and I stand by its merit as a summer song as well. This song is more mellow than much of the band's material, but is great for slowing down the pace of a get-together.
"Rain." This may be the band's catchiest, if not best song. It is incredibly upbeat, and it perfect for singing along with. This is also a phenomenal party song.
These two albums are an essential listen for this summer, and are only the tip of the iceberg for your summer soundtrack. I still have 4 spots to fill (which will actually comprise of 5 or 6 albums). Take my word on this countdown: If you have my albums serve as your summer soundtrack, you will have a better summer. Period.
Stayed tuned for more!
Peace Love and Understanding
Friday, April 18, 2008
What type of driver are you? Pt. 2 and Some Driving Tips
So here we go. More driver profiles. As I stated in my last post, these profiles are here for your benefit, whether you fit one or just want to be a more aware driver, these descriptions are like you road map for driving...but not like the road map you use for driving, but rather a road map, used, for the action of driving.
So without further harumph, here are more driver types:
3. The Very Important Businessman
Sphere of Awareness: limited to his cellphone or headset, and the initial 10 feet in front of his car.
Chance of Encounter: Very high
Average speed: Obscenely fast
Driving style: Reckless and dangerous
Description:The Very Important Businessman, due primarily to his high rate of speed, is a very hostile creature. They usually drive expensive German vehicles or fancy SUVs at velocities up to 200 miles an hour (in the Metric system that's 984.12 micrograms per cubical). The Very Important Businessman suffers from "Me Syndrome", a disease which convinces him that he's the only person that exists in the world. This flaw results in The Very Important Businessman devoting absolutely no attention to the safety of others or the effect his erratic driving may have on them. As far as he's concerned, all other vehicles are simply large metallic paperweights that are trying to slow him down and keep him from getting to the golf course for his scheduled tee time. Unfortunately, the only known cure for "Me Syndrome" is death (either yours or his). The Very Important Businessman has a short temper and likes to scream at cars around him, so next time you see one, insult the Republican party and watch the sparks fly!
4. Mr. Midlife Crisis
Sphere of Awareness: limited to anything shiny
Chances of Encounter: Below average
Average speed: Fast enough to make other drivers notice, but not too fast to be reckless
Driving style: Very safe
Description: While Mr. Mid-life Crisis may at first appear to belong the the species of The Very Important Businessman, a closer inspection will reveal distinct separations between the two. The most striking difference revolves around the tendency for Mr. Mid-life Crisis to own a convertible or some type of car which has a removable roof. While The Very Important Businessman may own a similar car, Mr. Mid-life Crisis will be the only one to actually have the roof off. Scientists believe this is because they want to feel the wind breeze through their newly-implanted hair, or perhaps let the sun tan their cosmetically-altered faces. Mr. Mid-life Crisis, due to his dramatically shrinking penis size and the realization that his life is a hollow shell of failure and wasted lies, has a tendency to overcompensate for his shortcomings by purchasing things which will make him look younger and more appealing to women who are attracted to embarrassingly stupid looking middle-aged men. You will often see them wearing brightly colored Polo shirts, khaki pants, and whatever sunglasses were recently featured on a "hip" action movie. Surveys have shown that over 87% of these people have customized license plates, the most popular ones reading:
Chances of encounter: Can range from extremely high to rarely
Average speed: Unnecessarily fast
Driving style: Aggressively terrible
Description: Exposure to numerous alcohol-induced frat parties and Dave Matthew's Band concerts have left Little Miss White College Prettygirl with one of the smallest Spheres of Awareness possible, limited to whatever's happening in her severely damaged brain. Although this alone makes her very dangerous, the mere fact that she did not pay for her own car or auto insurance nearly doubles the aggressiveness of her driving. If she wrecks daddy's Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer into the side of a Gap, she can just go get a new one on her Visa Triple Platinum credit card. An effective technique to lure away Little Miss White College Prettygirl is to call up her cellphone claiming to be "Stacy" and asking why she's not at the important rush meeting. This will cause her vehicle to come to a screeching halt and immediately turn around, hopefully resulting in a tanker trailer full of Hydrocyanic acid to collide and dump its contents all over her tanning booth enhanced face (containing no more than 45% medical implants and cosmetic enhancements). Exercise extreme caution.
Hopefully this has been a help to you. Now, as an added bonus, here is a handy field guide to some helpful tips while driving:
That's all for today...stay safe on the road!
Peace Love and Understanding
So without further harumph, here are more driver types:
3. The Very Important Businessman
Sphere of Awareness: limited to his cellphone or headset, and the initial 10 feet in front of his car.
Chance of Encounter: Very high
Average speed: Obscenely fast
Driving style: Reckless and dangerous
Description:The Very Important Businessman, due primarily to his high rate of speed, is a very hostile creature. They usually drive expensive German vehicles or fancy SUVs at velocities up to 200 miles an hour (in the Metric system that's 984.12 micrograms per cubical). The Very Important Businessman suffers from "Me Syndrome", a disease which convinces him that he's the only person that exists in the world. This flaw results in The Very Important Businessman devoting absolutely no attention to the safety of others or the effect his erratic driving may have on them. As far as he's concerned, all other vehicles are simply large metallic paperweights that are trying to slow him down and keep him from getting to the golf course for his scheduled tee time. Unfortunately, the only known cure for "Me Syndrome" is death (either yours or his). The Very Important Businessman has a short temper and likes to scream at cars around him, so next time you see one, insult the Republican party and watch the sparks fly!
4. Mr. Midlife Crisis
Sphere of Awareness: limited to anything shiny
Chances of Encounter: Below average
Average speed: Fast enough to make other drivers notice, but not too fast to be reckless
Driving style: Very safe
Description: While Mr. Mid-life Crisis may at first appear to belong the the species of The Very Important Businessman, a closer inspection will reveal distinct separations between the two. The most striking difference revolves around the tendency for Mr. Mid-life Crisis to own a convertible or some type of car which has a removable roof. While The Very Important Businessman may own a similar car, Mr. Mid-life Crisis will be the only one to actually have the roof off. Scientists believe this is because they want to feel the wind breeze through their newly-implanted hair, or perhaps let the sun tan their cosmetically-altered faces. Mr. Mid-life Crisis, due to his dramatically shrinking penis size and the realization that his life is a hollow shell of failure and wasted lies, has a tendency to overcompensate for his shortcomings by purchasing things which will make him look younger and more appealing to women who are attracted to embarrassingly stupid looking middle-aged men. You will often see them wearing brightly colored Polo shirts, khaki pants, and whatever sunglasses were recently featured on a "hip" action movie. Surveys have shown that over 87% of these people have customized license plates, the most popular ones reading:
1) 2fast4U
2) ZOOOOM
3) CYA
They are often seen traveling at high speeds from the local mall (where they bought a nine gallon jug of cologne). Although they do go very fast, they are often harmless, as they hate to cause damage to the vehicle they just spend half their life savings on (the other half spent on designer sunglasses). Women aged 18-30 may receive uncomforting looks from this species and should NEVER make eye contact, as this could result in the knowledge that a little Viagra-enhanced part of his body is rising to attention.
5. Little Miss White College Party Girl
Sphere of Awareness: ZilchChances of encounter: Can range from extremely high to rarely
Average speed: Unnecessarily fast
Driving style: Aggressively terrible
Description: Exposure to numerous alcohol-induced frat parties and Dave Matthew's Band concerts have left Little Miss White College Prettygirl with one of the smallest Spheres of Awareness possible, limited to whatever's happening in her severely damaged brain. Although this alone makes her very dangerous, the mere fact that she did not pay for her own car or auto insurance nearly doubles the aggressiveness of her driving. If she wrecks daddy's Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer into the side of a Gap, she can just go get a new one on her Visa Triple Platinum credit card. An effective technique to lure away Little Miss White College Prettygirl is to call up her cellphone claiming to be "Stacy" and asking why she's not at the important rush meeting. This will cause her vehicle to come to a screeching halt and immediately turn around, hopefully resulting in a tanker trailer full of Hydrocyanic acid to collide and dump its contents all over her tanning booth enhanced face (containing no more than 45% medical implants and cosmetic enhancements). Exercise extreme caution.
Hopefully this has been a help to you. Now, as an added bonus, here is a handy field guide to some helpful tips while driving:
- Never stop moving. Stopping is considered a sign of weakness and will allow the larger, more aggressive cars to gang up and bully you around. Your car should always be in motion. If, in some bizarre situation you cannot physically move forward at all, you should shift into reverse and slowly go backwards until there's enough room for you to inch forward again. If you cannot move backwards, you should flee from your vehicle and carjack somebody else in the other lane.
- Tailing people makes them go faster. If the dimwitted, idiotic waste of skin in front of you doesn't feel the pressing need to floor their accelerator in a school zone, it is your God-given right to get as close as humanly possible to their rear bumper. This will set off their car's "Go Faster Detector" and cause them to increase their speed by at least 30 miles an hour. If you want their Go Faster Detector to work even quicker, throw your arms in their air and say, "for God's sake, move it!"
- The horn is the most essential part of your vehicle. It lets everybody around you know that you do, in fact, have a functioning car horn which can sporadically emit loud, piercing noises. The horn should be used in the following cases:
You want somebody to speed up.
- Talking on your cellphone is strongly encouraged. You look "cool" if you're chatting away on your phone while changing radio stations, eating a sandwich, and playing a particularly heated game of Solitaire on your Palm Pilot. This makes you look like a veteran, experienced driver who just came back from competing in the Indy 500 or flying secret experimental government spaceships. People will remember you as being the ultimate commuter when they read about your charred, decapitated corpse in the next day's newspaper.
- People will understand if you're in a hurry. If you really need to get somewhere fast, it is perfectly acceptable to make a right hand turn from the left lane, drive through 50 consecutive stop signs, and cut off the busload of orphans who are on their way to church. Your Sphere of Awareness should be inversely proportional to the speed you're going; the faster you go, the less you should care about the people around you. Flashing your bright lights on and off repeatedly is the universal sign that you're in a hurry. It also means you're a real asshole.
- If you get in a car accident and your door is critically damaged, don't be afraid to replace it with a different colored door from another vehicleI. This shows the rest of the world that you are a rebel and are denouncing their fascist, materialistic values. If you are rear-ended, feel free to tie the trunk to your bumper with some rope you found wrapped around a bale of hay. If your windows are damaged or smashed in, replace them with garbage bags or lots of Saran Wrap. In the unfortunate chance your tire blows out, replace it with a spare and use it until it blows out. Then abandon the car alongside the highway.
That's all for today...stay safe on the road!
Peace Love and Understanding
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
What type of driver are you? Pt. 1
So, you're all grown up now, got your own set of wheels now. You're ready to hit the road, right? Wrong! You have no idea what kind of freaks could be out on the road! I have assembled a helpful guide so you can easily identify those cretins we call "our fellow humans" out on the road. Hopefully, once you learn about each group of people, you can either ID yourself as one of them (poor you), or you can become a more savvy driver. The choice is yours!
To start off, we have the very common
1. Homeboyz:
Sphere of Awareness: Miles, since they are always scoping the horizon for rival homeboyz, potential honeys to holler at, and anyone with a louder stereo than theirs.
Chances of Encounter: High
Speed: Either insanely far above or below the speed limit
Driving Style: Agressive
Description: There are four primary types of Homeboyz to be aware of: white, black, Hispanic, and Asian. Other groups, such as the Icelandic Homeboyz and the Norwegian Homeboy probably exist, but don't have such a strong presence. The Homeboyz can be easily spotted thanks to an early warning detection system known as "sticking your head outside the window." If you hear a faint, repetitious thumping noise, you can be almost sure that a Homeboy is somewhere within a 15 mile radius of your automobile. Homeboyz vehicles are notorious for going against the "traditional" vehicle cost structure (how the majority of the money invested in the vehicle is spent) which is as follows:
The actual cost of the car ranks somewhere around 158th place, right below "crown-shaped air freshener". As a result, you will see many Homeboyz driving around in "souped up" (read as: "has car doors from a totally different vehicle") cars like stolen and recently impounded Hondas. Despite having an above average Sphere of Awareness, Homeboyz are usually reclined back in their seats to the point where the top of their forehead is well below the dashboard. Many scientists studying the habits of Homeboyz were at a loss to explain how they were able to see their surroundings through the metal and plastic of the car.
However, it has recently been discovered that Homeboyz have actually evolved to their driving style, featuring something dubbed a "Homeboy Periscope" which allows them to see the road in front of their car while being submerged up to five feet below the dashboard. If you encounter a Homeboy, do NOT under any circumstances look in its general direction, as the glare from all the chrome of the vehicle and the 10 cubic tons of imitation gold around their necks will instantly blind you.
2. Elderly Couple About to Die
Sphere of Awareness: Very Low
Chances of Encounter: Fairly high, especially on a Sunday afternoon
Speed: Dangerously low
Driving Style: Unpredictable and unstable
Description: These people simply drive as slow as they can on every highway or side street in America. They oftentimes will have their turn signal on for miles, never turning once. They seem to think that everyone around them is going too fast, and that they have somehow earned a right to do whatever they want because they have earned it. How you can you tell if you are one of these people or if the person in front of you is more than just a slow driver? Here, find out! They/you have one or more of the following:
Collection of foam hats on the back windshield
License plate holder which reads "World's Greatest Grandparents"
Bumper sticker that mentions either Jesus or the VFW
Car is the size of a large houseboat
Beanie Baby collection on back windshield
Luckily they are not very aggressive, although they do have a tendency to shift into other lanes with little to no warning. Scientists believe that not even the Elderly Couple is aware of when they're going to shift lanes; an unpredictable biological impulse is suddenly sent to the driver's brain and he immediately reacts by swerving to the right or left. No cure has been found for this disease yet, as the test subjects tend to keep dying.
I will have more tomorrow, and then more the day after that
Peace Love and Understanding
To start off, we have the very common
1. Homeboyz:
Sphere of Awareness: Miles, since they are always scoping the horizon for rival homeboyz, potential honeys to holler at, and anyone with a louder stereo than theirs.
Chances of Encounter: High
Speed: Either insanely far above or below the speed limit
Driving Style: Agressive
Description: There are four primary types of Homeboyz to be aware of: white, black, Hispanic, and Asian. Other groups, such as the Icelandic Homeboyz and the Norwegian Homeboy probably exist, but don't have such a strong presence. The Homeboyz can be easily spotted thanks to an early warning detection system known as "sticking your head outside the window." If you hear a faint, repetitious thumping noise, you can be almost sure that a Homeboy is somewhere within a 15 mile radius of your automobile. Homeboyz vehicles are notorious for going against the "traditional" vehicle cost structure (how the majority of the money invested in the vehicle is spent) which is as follows:
1) The car itself (most expensive)
Instead, the cost structure for Homeboyz cars is as follows:
2) Additional safety features
3) Burglar protection system1) Stereo system
2) Tires
3) Spoiler / stick-on decals that display their car manufacturer's name in gigantic letters
The actual cost of the car ranks somewhere around 158th place, right below "crown-shaped air freshener". As a result, you will see many Homeboyz driving around in "souped up" (read as: "has car doors from a totally different vehicle") cars like stolen and recently impounded Hondas. Despite having an above average Sphere of Awareness, Homeboyz are usually reclined back in their seats to the point where the top of their forehead is well below the dashboard. Many scientists studying the habits of Homeboyz were at a loss to explain how they were able to see their surroundings through the metal and plastic of the car.
However, it has recently been discovered that Homeboyz have actually evolved to their driving style, featuring something dubbed a "Homeboy Periscope" which allows them to see the road in front of their car while being submerged up to five feet below the dashboard. If you encounter a Homeboy, do NOT under any circumstances look in its general direction, as the glare from all the chrome of the vehicle and the 10 cubic tons of imitation gold around their necks will instantly blind you.
2. Elderly Couple About to Die
Sphere of Awareness: Very Low
Chances of Encounter: Fairly high, especially on a Sunday afternoon
Speed: Dangerously low
Driving Style: Unpredictable and unstable
Description: These people simply drive as slow as they can on every highway or side street in America. They oftentimes will have their turn signal on for miles, never turning once. They seem to think that everyone around them is going too fast, and that they have somehow earned a right to do whatever they want because they have earned it. How you can you tell if you are one of these people or if the person in front of you is more than just a slow driver? Here, find out! They/you have one or more of the following:
Collection of foam hats on the back windshield License plate holder which reads "World's Greatest Grandparents" Bumper sticker that mentions either Jesus or the VFW Car is the size of a large houseboat Beanie Baby collection on back windshieldLuckily they are not very aggressive, although they do have a tendency to shift into other lanes with little to no warning. Scientists believe that not even the Elderly Couple is aware of when they're going to shift lanes; an unpredictable biological impulse is suddenly sent to the driver's brain and he immediately reacts by swerving to the right or left. No cure has been found for this disease yet, as the test subjects tend to keep dying.
I will have more tomorrow, and then more the day after that
Peace Love and Understanding
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
What the heck! More T-Shirts!!!
After that dynamic post about Dragon shirts, I figured I would discuss some other types of t-shirts that you may see people wearing in your everyday life.
To start we have the BRAND NAME SHIRT:
The common American brand shirt comes in a seemingly endless variety of breeds, from the austere Nike to the playfully wacky Billabong to the gravely endangered Gecko Hawaii and Co-ed Naked. Whether they represent athletic shoes, surf or skate equipment or are advertising nothing but themselves, brand shirts make a bold and simple statement: "I am willing to forfeit my identity to build the mindshare of a company."
Certainly, none of the wearers of these robust specimens don them with this explicit thought in mind, but rather have entrenched their spirits so deeply into their American habitat that such considerations are nothing more than reflex. Brand shirts are often worn for the purpose of "fitting in," or at least making sure people know that you have some interest in some area of society.... and they do an admirable job; since our conscious minds tune out thousands of corporate logos every day, brand shirts are the most effective urban camouflage imaginable.
Next, one that is near and dear to my heart, THE BAND SHIRT
An interesting subspecies of the brand shirt is the band shirt, which is essentially the same beast but offers a comfortable illusion of individuality. Often found scuttling around college campuses and record stores, the band shirt allows its wearer a hollow identification with an artist of his choice. Say for instance, that the wearer wants to make sure everyone knows that they are a "hippie." Well, in the event that they don't have any burlap smocks available, a simple Phish tour shirt will do the trick nicely.
The peacock-like plumage of the band shirt presents a gaudy social display in which the wearer attempts to attract notice; his desperate hope is that someone, hopefully of the opposite sex, will acknowledge his taste in music. In my case I am still waiting for a girl to notice my Medeski Martin and Wood shirt.When that happens, and it probably never will, the wearer will feel famous and noticed, as if he's actually a member of the band. Maybe someday, a member of the band will see the wearer out and about and will be filled with a sense of meaning, knowing that they indeed have a fan.
Next, we have the JESUS PARODY SHIRT
Much in the same way that Our Lord was tortured upon the cross, so too do these shirts torture a stupid pun within an inch of its life. This unfortunate creature warps a recognizable brand logo or pop-culture slogan into some "clever" slice of theology and seemingly arbitrary reference to Jesus. The result is a near meaningless jumble of slogans and awkwardly-placed crucifixes. Though it is a skilled mimic, the Jesus parody is born without a sense of humor: "The Da Vinci Code" becomes "The DiVine God." The Mountain Dew logo becomes (Jesus) MEANT TO DIE (for you), "The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe," which is already Christian to begin with, becomes "Jesus The Lion of Judah." The YooHoo chocolate drink logo is mauled into "(it was) You Who (he died for)." The Jesus parody shirt is a strange beast, and naturalists have yet to determine its purpose.
Providing some wackiness is the WEED PARODY SHIRT
The only thing lamer than thinking that warping pop-culture into Christian references is edgy, is thinking that warping pop-culture into WEED references is edgy. However, this bizarre creature of a shirt is seen fairly commonly in the wild, especially among loser high school students and people who didn't go to college and hang around the mall all day using the money they make working at that kiosk that sells air-brushed baseball caps and Hip=Hop Looney Tunes shirts to buy a Big Mac in the food court. And, although these shirts may be similar to the Jesus parody shirt, there are some subtle differences that set it apart.
First, they're about weed instead of Jesus. One would think this was an obvious difference, but even a skilled naturalist may have to stare at a distorted product logo for quite some time before he can tell what it's promoting. Second, despite the brain-dulling properties of the substance they advertise, weed parodies are always cleverer than Jesus parodies. They still rank at a level of cleverness slightly below sticking your index finger through the fly of your pants and wiggling it around like a little penis, but they're generally about twice as clever as their religious counterparts. Substituting "Fillabong" for "Billabong" is much more natural parody than replacing "MySpace" with "(Jesus died for) My Space (in heaven)."
Regardless, due to the demographic that wears them, weed shirts are way more lame overall than Jesus shirts.
The CLEVER SHIRT
Nothing is worse than posing as edgy except possibly for posing as smart. These shirts make the wearer do just that, featuring such delightful images as a picture of Shakespeare featuring the phrase: "prose before hos." Ohhh see what the shirt did? it made a clever joke for smart people! This shirt serves as a surrogate personality for the wearer, and serves up pre-chewed and spit out bits of jokes derived by the shirt's maufacturer.
Finally, the worst of all shirts, THE "I'M AN IDIOT" SHIRT, aka THE BLACK SHIRT WITH WHITE WRITING
A parasite of a shirt that infects the weak and stupid, the idiot shirt prays upon the insecurities of its master and compounds his internal idiocy into something far more vile and pathetic. Generally worn by those unfortunate souls who are so far gone as to think wearing a shirt that essentially says "I look like an idiot and I beg for your acknowledgement" is somehow a powerful statement of individuality, these shirts are a depressing reminder that some people are unwilling to make even the feeblest grab at dignity. "You laugh because I'm different," these wretched shirts say. "I laugh because you're all the same." Translated into human speech, the phrase reads: "you laugh because I look like an idiot. I laugh because I am an idiot." This past week, I saw not one, two or three, but FOUR different people wearing a shirt that said "Genius by birth, slacker by choice." I wish I could have ripped those shirts off their pasty, flabby bodies and strangled them with their own lame t-shirt, but then I remembered that the shirt itself was God's way of preventing these people from every having children, so I left it at that.
PEACE LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING
To start we have the BRAND NAME SHIRT:
The common American brand shirt comes in a seemingly endless variety of breeds, from the austere Nike to the playfully wacky Billabong to the gravely endangered Gecko Hawaii and Co-ed Naked. Whether they represent athletic shoes, surf or skate equipment or are advertising nothing but themselves, brand shirts make a bold and simple statement: "I am willing to forfeit my identity to build the mindshare of a company."
Certainly, none of the wearers of these robust specimens don them with this explicit thought in mind, but rather have entrenched their spirits so deeply into their American habitat that such considerations are nothing more than reflex. Brand shirts are often worn for the purpose of "fitting in," or at least making sure people know that you have some interest in some area of society.... and they do an admirable job; since our conscious minds tune out thousands of corporate logos every day, brand shirts are the most effective urban camouflage imaginable.
Next, one that is near and dear to my heart, THE BAND SHIRT
An interesting subspecies of the brand shirt is the band shirt, which is essentially the same beast but offers a comfortable illusion of individuality. Often found scuttling around college campuses and record stores, the band shirt allows its wearer a hollow identification with an artist of his choice. Say for instance, that the wearer wants to make sure everyone knows that they are a "hippie." Well, in the event that they don't have any burlap smocks available, a simple Phish tour shirt will do the trick nicely.
The peacock-like plumage of the band shirt presents a gaudy social display in which the wearer attempts to attract notice; his desperate hope is that someone, hopefully of the opposite sex, will acknowledge his taste in music. In my case I am still waiting for a girl to notice my Medeski Martin and Wood shirt.When that happens, and it probably never will, the wearer will feel famous and noticed, as if he's actually a member of the band. Maybe someday, a member of the band will see the wearer out and about and will be filled with a sense of meaning, knowing that they indeed have a fan.
Next, we have the JESUS PARODY SHIRT
Much in the same way that Our Lord was tortured upon the cross, so too do these shirts torture a stupid pun within an inch of its life. This unfortunate creature warps a recognizable brand logo or pop-culture slogan into some "clever" slice of theology and seemingly arbitrary reference to Jesus. The result is a near meaningless jumble of slogans and awkwardly-placed crucifixes. Though it is a skilled mimic, the Jesus parody is born without a sense of humor: "The Da Vinci Code" becomes "The DiVine God." The Mountain Dew logo becomes (Jesus) MEANT TO DIE (for you), "The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe," which is already Christian to begin with, becomes "Jesus The Lion of Judah." The YooHoo chocolate drink logo is mauled into "(it was) You Who (he died for)." The Jesus parody shirt is a strange beast, and naturalists have yet to determine its purpose.
Providing some wackiness is the WEED PARODY SHIRT
The only thing lamer than thinking that warping pop-culture into Christian references is edgy, is thinking that warping pop-culture into WEED references is edgy. However, this bizarre creature of a shirt is seen fairly commonly in the wild, especially among loser high school students and people who didn't go to college and hang around the mall all day using the money they make working at that kiosk that sells air-brushed baseball caps and Hip=Hop Looney Tunes shirts to buy a Big Mac in the food court. And, although these shirts may be similar to the Jesus parody shirt, there are some subtle differences that set it apart.
First, they're about weed instead of Jesus. One would think this was an obvious difference, but even a skilled naturalist may have to stare at a distorted product logo for quite some time before he can tell what it's promoting. Second, despite the brain-dulling properties of the substance they advertise, weed parodies are always cleverer than Jesus parodies. They still rank at a level of cleverness slightly below sticking your index finger through the fly of your pants and wiggling it around like a little penis, but they're generally about twice as clever as their religious counterparts. Substituting "Fillabong" for "Billabong" is much more natural parody than replacing "MySpace" with "(Jesus died for) My Space (in heaven)."
Regardless, due to the demographic that wears them, weed shirts are way more lame overall than Jesus shirts.
The CLEVER SHIRT
Nothing is worse than posing as edgy except possibly for posing as smart. These shirts make the wearer do just that, featuring such delightful images as a picture of Shakespeare featuring the phrase: "prose before hos." Ohhh see what the shirt did? it made a clever joke for smart people! This shirt serves as a surrogate personality for the wearer, and serves up pre-chewed and spit out bits of jokes derived by the shirt's maufacturer.
Finally, the worst of all shirts, THE "I'M AN IDIOT" SHIRT, aka THE BLACK SHIRT WITH WHITE WRITING
A parasite of a shirt that infects the weak and stupid, the idiot shirt prays upon the insecurities of its master and compounds his internal idiocy into something far more vile and pathetic. Generally worn by those unfortunate souls who are so far gone as to think wearing a shirt that essentially says "I look like an idiot and I beg for your acknowledgement" is somehow a powerful statement of individuality, these shirts are a depressing reminder that some people are unwilling to make even the feeblest grab at dignity. "You laugh because I'm different," these wretched shirts say. "I laugh because you're all the same." Translated into human speech, the phrase reads: "you laugh because I look like an idiot. I laugh because I am an idiot." This past week, I saw not one, two or three, but FOUR different people wearing a shirt that said "Genius by birth, slacker by choice." I wish I could have ripped those shirts off their pasty, flabby bodies and strangled them with their own lame t-shirt, but then I remembered that the shirt itself was God's way of preventing these people from every having children, so I left it at that.
PEACE LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Dragon Shirts and lots of them!
There comes a point in life when a friend (well hopefully not a good friend) or acquaintance approaches you wearing a garish silk shirt with a dragon design on it. This friend will then attempt to draw attention to said shirt, even though your attention is no doubt focused squarely on it already, and brag that he just bought it for $50 with the kind of naive pride that makes your skin crawl off your body and slither under a nearby rock to die. It is as if he expects his shirt to give you a massive fire-shooting dragon boner right then and there. In these dark moments you will undoubtedly be unable to feign enthusiasm, yet too cowardly to tell him how stupid the shirt looks. "Wow" or "that's an expensive shirt" are common diplomatic responses.
If you yourself are the unfortunate individual wearing said shirt, be it silk button-down or plain-T, I hold a great amount of pity for you. I would really like to sit down with you and see if I couldn't get a deep, insightful look into what would possess you to actually spend American money on such a product.
It seems to be widely accepted that dragon shirts are really lame, yet each year, literally dozens of people purchase these shirts for some inexplicable reason. In this post, I seek to discover why.
A Brief History of the Dragon Shirt:
Dragon shirts depict dragons, which are mythological beasts prevalent in the histories of a multitude of cultures. Dragons are more famous in Asian cultures, but let us not forget their role in European culture as well. Myths of brave knights slaying dragon still echo through time, causing feedback in the great sound system of history. Naturally these gigantic beasts were often brought to life in a variety of artistic mediums including outer-wear because, well, actual physical proof of their existence is quite vacant.
A thousand or so years later some jerk got the idea to put pictures of dragons on shirts, thus concluding our brief history of dragon shirts and bringing us to the contemporary era.
Today, overweight males with bad haircuts are the primary wearers of dragon shirts. Simple research into the field of dragon shirt sales will show you that these shirts are often sold in sizes XL, XXL, XXXL, and MCMXCVIII. There is also a disturbingly high correlation between dragon shirt ownership and novelty katana ownership. Whether there is a valid relationship has yet to be proven.
Why Would Someone Wear One?
The reasons as to why some people wear dragon shirts have been elusive to most researchers, however two broad characteristics define dragon shirt wearers: A complete lack of self-esteem, or a lethal abundance of self-esteem. In either case wearing dragon shirts only furthers the problem without coming close to helping it.
In summary, there is no known logical reason for anyone to wear a shirt with a dragon on it.
However, there have been a few very interesting statistics gathered: In 2008, the United States Census Bureau began asking residents questions about dragon shirt ownership. This is what they learned:
I hope this update has been informative and enlightening, perhaps making it easier for you to cope with a friend or loved one foolishly donning a dragon shirt. If you are wearing a dragon shirt while reading this, I plead with you to take it off and discard it immediately. I also plead with you to immediately put on another shirt, because chances are your bare chest is unpleasant to look at.
If you yourself are the unfortunate individual wearing said shirt, be it silk button-down or plain-T, I hold a great amount of pity for you. I would really like to sit down with you and see if I couldn't get a deep, insightful look into what would possess you to actually spend American money on such a product.
It seems to be widely accepted that dragon shirts are really lame, yet each year, literally dozens of people purchase these shirts for some inexplicable reason. In this post, I seek to discover why.
A Brief History of the Dragon Shirt:
Dragon shirts depict dragons, which are mythological beasts prevalent in the histories of a multitude of cultures. Dragons are more famous in Asian cultures, but let us not forget their role in European culture as well. Myths of brave knights slaying dragon still echo through time, causing feedback in the great sound system of history. Naturally these gigantic beasts were often brought to life in a variety of artistic mediums including outer-wear because, well, actual physical proof of their existence is quite vacant.
A thousand or so years later some jerk got the idea to put pictures of dragons on shirts, thus concluding our brief history of dragon shirts and bringing us to the contemporary era.
Today, overweight males with bad haircuts are the primary wearers of dragon shirts. Simple research into the field of dragon shirt sales will show you that these shirts are often sold in sizes XL, XXL, XXXL, and MCMXCVIII. There is also a disturbingly high correlation between dragon shirt ownership and novelty katana ownership. Whether there is a valid relationship has yet to be proven.
Why Would Someone Wear One?
The reasons as to why some people wear dragon shirts have been elusive to most researchers, however two broad characteristics define dragon shirt wearers: A complete lack of self-esteem, or a lethal abundance of self-esteem. In either case wearing dragon shirts only furthers the problem without coming close to helping it.
In summary, there is no known logical reason for anyone to wear a shirt with a dragon on it.
However, there have been a few very interesting statistics gathered: In 2008, the United States Census Bureau began asking residents questions about dragon shirt ownership. This is what they learned:
65% of dragon shirt wearers have ponytails.
I hope this update has been informative and enlightening, perhaps making it easier for you to cope with a friend or loved one foolishly donning a dragon shirt. If you are wearing a dragon shirt while reading this, I plead with you to take it off and discard it immediately. I also plead with you to immediately put on another shirt, because chances are your bare chest is unpleasant to look at.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Your Basic Guitar Hero Player Profiles
Guitar Hero seems to be the game of choice for parties, killing time, and making custom videos for YouTube. However, not all players are the same. Therefore, what I hope to do here is present the various types of people who play Guitar Hero and their level of skill.
1. Average White Guy Type 1
Difficulty: Very Easy
Special Moves: Messing up a lot, swearing, sweating, asking to start over
This is your typical run of the mill white guy, age 14-35, little to no experience playing the game or playing a guitar or doing anything in an coordinated fashion. He usually waits until most people have cleared out of the room or are too occupied/drunk to notice him playing. However, he is a persistent little guy, and will keep this up until he is at least good enough to play with people without breaking into a sweat. You can defeat a Type 1 very easily especially if you are intimidating.
2. Average White Guy Type 2
Difficulty: Easy
Special Moves: none, really
This guy isn't too different from Type 1, except for the fact that he has played with a small group of his buddies to practice, so he isn't completely incompetent. However, like Type1, his skill level will really only plateau and not increase all that significantly, namely, he won't have to look at the guitar neck to make sure his fingers are in the right spot. To overcome this adversary, you must psych him out. Point to a girl, and tell him that she was impressed by his Guitar-Heroing. Ideally, this should be a girl you don't know and would never want to talk to. He will eventually confront her about this and get crushed, leading you to an easy victory. Bonus point: Girl will get eternally creeped out.
3. Girly Girls
Difficulty: Surprisingly Medium
Special Moves: Being really concentrated/loud and annoying
This player never takes up GH on their own; rather, they learn it from either Average White Guy 1 or 2 in an effort to impress them, or from their brother when he isn't out working at Pizza Hut. She will do everything in the most feminine way possible, from the way she holds the "guitar" to the way she memorizes all the song lyrics so she can sing along as she plays. While she has roughly a fifty percent chance of being attractive, she has a one hundred percent chance of being irritating and deserving of blows to the head and body area. The only way to defeat her is to become hyper-masculine: sweat a lot, yell, do some "rock n roll maneuvers" and generally try to intimidate her. If this doesn't work, tell her she looks fat.
4. Big, Scary/ Goofy guy who is surprisingly awesome
Difficulty: High
Special Move: anything uncharacteristic to a big, scary man
This player will stroll up to the TV with a thud or crash, depending on what or whom gets knocked over. What is this ogre doing? Is he here to rob you, beat you to a pulp, and rape the world's helpless? No, actually he is here at the party for a rousing game of Guitar Hero!! His greasy hair and shaggy beard are enough to distract and scare even the most seasoned and intrepid players. As long as you don't make eye-contact, you should be fine. Show him you don't have any fear by wearing a shirt featuring the logo of that cool company, "No Fear"
5. Flamboyant Gay Guys
Difficulty: Medium
Special Move: Being sassy
These players tend to love playing any hair-metal songs or power ballads from the 80's because they "are soo ironic, LOL!" Do not be lulled into a false sense of security though, as these players have become fairly competitive from playing at parties with their female friends. Therefore, go in as you would against any other player. The biggest obstacle is the tremendous ordeal of actually playing against them. Whether you win or lose, you run the risk of being slapped on the ass or called "Honey," since your opponent will most likely easily spot your overwhelming insecurities and exploit them. Try to stay focused and let everyone know you are secure in your masculinity, and you'll be set.
6. Actual Guitarist
Difficulty: Hard
Special Move: Making sure everyone knows that they play guitar
These players are naturally drawn to Guitar Hero, but want to make sure everyone knows that playing an actual guitar is much harder, and that they should have no problem with this silly game. Often times, they are not really all that good at the game, but the sheer fact that they play guitar is enough to get the best of many opponents. Just try not talking to them, and just playing the game in the most technical and non-rockstar way possible. This way, if you win, you don't run the risk of having them bitch about how you were pretending to play guitar or anything like that.
7. Video Game Nerds
Difficulty: Very Hard
Special Moves: Doing everything without looking, memorizing each song, telling you how far they have gotten on "expert," only recognizing the songs in other areas of life because they are "from" Guitar Hero and not actually knowing who Cheap Trick or Danzig actually are.
These players can be incredibly frustrating to play against. They can be recognized by their Hawaiian or "ironic" t-shirts and general lack of social skills. They will be at this party because they heard that Guitar Hero would be there. But here is the deal: Not only are these payers amazing at GH, they are amazing at EVERY video game. Tekken? You're done. NBA Jam? Peace. Any and all drivings games? Don;t bother. That one game where you stick your head in it and its like you're a gunner in a warzone or something, and then you spin all around and your friends laugh at you? Yeah they're pretty good at that one, too. And here's another thing: where the average person likes GH because they can be silly and pretend to be a rockstar, this guy plays it because he HAS to. It's a video game after all, and he needs to master it just like every other one. The best strategy would be to talk about beating some game you made up that all the critics LOVE, but that hasn't caught on in America. This will get him distracted long enough for you to beat him.
There ya go. Now play carefully!!
Peace Love and Understanding
1. Average White Guy Type 1
Difficulty: Very Easy
Special Moves: Messing up a lot, swearing, sweating, asking to start over
This is your typical run of the mill white guy, age 14-35, little to no experience playing the game or playing a guitar or doing anything in an coordinated fashion. He usually waits until most people have cleared out of the room or are too occupied/drunk to notice him playing. However, he is a persistent little guy, and will keep this up until he is at least good enough to play with people without breaking into a sweat. You can defeat a Type 1 very easily especially if you are intimidating.
2. Average White Guy Type 2
Difficulty: Easy
Special Moves: none, really
This guy isn't too different from Type 1, except for the fact that he has played with a small group of his buddies to practice, so he isn't completely incompetent. However, like Type1, his skill level will really only plateau and not increase all that significantly, namely, he won't have to look at the guitar neck to make sure his fingers are in the right spot. To overcome this adversary, you must psych him out. Point to a girl, and tell him that she was impressed by his Guitar-Heroing. Ideally, this should be a girl you don't know and would never want to talk to. He will eventually confront her about this and get crushed, leading you to an easy victory. Bonus point: Girl will get eternally creeped out.
3. Girly Girls
Difficulty: Surprisingly Medium
Special Moves: Being really concentrated/loud and annoying
This player never takes up GH on their own; rather, they learn it from either Average White Guy 1 or 2 in an effort to impress them, or from their brother when he isn't out working at Pizza Hut. She will do everything in the most feminine way possible, from the way she holds the "guitar" to the way she memorizes all the song lyrics so she can sing along as she plays. While she has roughly a fifty percent chance of being attractive, she has a one hundred percent chance of being irritating and deserving of blows to the head and body area. The only way to defeat her is to become hyper-masculine: sweat a lot, yell, do some "rock n roll maneuvers" and generally try to intimidate her. If this doesn't work, tell her she looks fat.
4. Big, Scary/ Goofy guy who is surprisingly awesome
Difficulty: High
Special Move: anything uncharacteristic to a big, scary man
This player will stroll up to the TV with a thud or crash, depending on what or whom gets knocked over. What is this ogre doing? Is he here to rob you, beat you to a pulp, and rape the world's helpless? No, actually he is here at the party for a rousing game of Guitar Hero!! His greasy hair and shaggy beard are enough to distract and scare even the most seasoned and intrepid players. As long as you don't make eye-contact, you should be fine. Show him you don't have any fear by wearing a shirt featuring the logo of that cool company, "No Fear"
5. Flamboyant Gay Guys
Difficulty: Medium
Special Move: Being sassy
These players tend to love playing any hair-metal songs or power ballads from the 80's because they "are soo ironic, LOL!" Do not be lulled into a false sense of security though, as these players have become fairly competitive from playing at parties with their female friends. Therefore, go in as you would against any other player. The biggest obstacle is the tremendous ordeal of actually playing against them. Whether you win or lose, you run the risk of being slapped on the ass or called "Honey," since your opponent will most likely easily spot your overwhelming insecurities and exploit them. Try to stay focused and let everyone know you are secure in your masculinity, and you'll be set.
6. Actual Guitarist
Difficulty: Hard
Special Move: Making sure everyone knows that they play guitar
These players are naturally drawn to Guitar Hero, but want to make sure everyone knows that playing an actual guitar is much harder, and that they should have no problem with this silly game. Often times, they are not really all that good at the game, but the sheer fact that they play guitar is enough to get the best of many opponents. Just try not talking to them, and just playing the game in the most technical and non-rockstar way possible. This way, if you win, you don't run the risk of having them bitch about how you were pretending to play guitar or anything like that.
7. Video Game Nerds
Difficulty: Very Hard
Special Moves: Doing everything without looking, memorizing each song, telling you how far they have gotten on "expert," only recognizing the songs in other areas of life because they are "from" Guitar Hero and not actually knowing who Cheap Trick or Danzig actually are.
These players can be incredibly frustrating to play against. They can be recognized by their Hawaiian or "ironic" t-shirts and general lack of social skills. They will be at this party because they heard that Guitar Hero would be there. But here is the deal: Not only are these payers amazing at GH, they are amazing at EVERY video game. Tekken? You're done. NBA Jam? Peace. Any and all drivings games? Don;t bother. That one game where you stick your head in it and its like you're a gunner in a warzone or something, and then you spin all around and your friends laugh at you? Yeah they're pretty good at that one, too. And here's another thing: where the average person likes GH because they can be silly and pretend to be a rockstar, this guy plays it because he HAS to. It's a video game after all, and he needs to master it just like every other one. The best strategy would be to talk about beating some game you made up that all the critics LOVE, but that hasn't caught on in America. This will get him distracted long enough for you to beat him.
There ya go. Now play carefully!!
Peace Love and Understanding
Saturday, March 1, 2008
No Animal Attacks! Pt. 4
The Course of Action:
What do you do now that you know what is headed towards you? Do you run? Climb? Scream? Well, as we all know, Action Jackson got his nickname by surviving these attacks, so if you want your nickname to be "action" and not "eaten" then here is what you do:
A lot of morons will tell you that playing dead works, but that is why they are morons. You need to act in an active, anti-devouring kind of way.
Head Biting: Your head is the most valuable place on the human body, since it is where you store your hopes and dreams. If an animal goes for your head, just whip it around a lot, and cover it with your arms, because even a baby brown bear can crush your skull with one bite, so don't let him get ahold of it.
Torso Biting: A bit to the torso is less serious than one to the head, but it's still bad. The best thing to do is just bash at the head of whatever is attacking you and yell "fire!!" this will distract the attacker and get the attention of any eco-nerds wandering the woods, who can prove much more weak and delicious for your attacker.
Limb Biting: Not really all that bad...if they have your leg or arm, it means they aren't biting your head or torso. Let them gnaw and make a run for safety.
Suffocation: Some animals attempt to stop you from breathing. Breathing is what your body does when it needs oxygen. Oxygen is a gas that your body does something with in some process that is important. So make sure you don't stop breathing.
Electrocution: Some predators use powerful bioelectric shocks to incapacitate or even kill their prey. These suck pretty bad, but if you get hit with one just try to walk it off, you know, take it like a man. If you're a huuuuuuuuuuuge crybaby and you can't do that then just go home to mommy I guess you big baby.
So you've made it this far and you still have a pulse, great! But you're not in the clear yet, you no doubt have all manner of life-threatening injuries. From here you need to run, walk, or crawl to the nearest hospital. If the severity of your injuries prevents you from doing this then give a hoot and start digging a shallow grave that you can collapse into. Keep America's wild lands beautiful.
Peace Love and Understanding
What do you do now that you know what is headed towards you? Do you run? Climb? Scream? Well, as we all know, Action Jackson got his nickname by surviving these attacks, so if you want your nickname to be "action" and not "eaten" then here is what you do:
A lot of morons will tell you that playing dead works, but that is why they are morons. You need to act in an active, anti-devouring kind of way.
Head Biting: Your head is the most valuable place on the human body, since it is where you store your hopes and dreams. If an animal goes for your head, just whip it around a lot, and cover it with your arms, because even a baby brown bear can crush your skull with one bite, so don't let him get ahold of it.
Torso Biting: A bit to the torso is less serious than one to the head, but it's still bad. The best thing to do is just bash at the head of whatever is attacking you and yell "fire!!" this will distract the attacker and get the attention of any eco-nerds wandering the woods, who can prove much more weak and delicious for your attacker.
Limb Biting: Not really all that bad...if they have your leg or arm, it means they aren't biting your head or torso. Let them gnaw and make a run for safety.
Suffocation: Some animals attempt to stop you from breathing. Breathing is what your body does when it needs oxygen. Oxygen is a gas that your body does something with in some process that is important. So make sure you don't stop breathing.
Electrocution: Some predators use powerful bioelectric shocks to incapacitate or even kill their prey. These suck pretty bad, but if you get hit with one just try to walk it off, you know, take it like a man. If you're a huuuuuuuuuuuge crybaby and you can't do that then just go home to mommy I guess you big baby.
So you've made it this far and you still have a pulse, great! But you're not in the clear yet, you no doubt have all manner of life-threatening injuries. From here you need to run, walk, or crawl to the nearest hospital. If the severity of your injuries prevents you from doing this then give a hoot and start digging a shallow grave that you can collapse into. Keep America's wild lands beautiful.
Peace Love and Understanding
Thursday, February 28, 2008
No Animal Attacks! Pt. 3
Just What the Heck is Attacking you?
Oh no! all that careful to avoid an attack didn't work, and now you find yourself in the clutches of an attacking predator. The reason for the attack isn't that important, what is important is judging how to escape, and your escape plan is based entirely on what type of animal is coming after you, be it a deep-sea eagle or Mexican Fighting Tree, you will need to get an ID before making your next move, and here is a helpful pocket guide of various attackers:
1. Cheetahs: a big cat that often smells like personal lubricant
2. Koalas: Vicious beats, these little creatures can be picked out for their constant whistling of racist Confederate songs
3. Juice Tigers: Tigers that make a whirring sound and smell like fresh fruits and vegetables.
4. Hideous Gargantuan Deep-Sea Squids: These monsters from the deep are always accompanied by the music from Super Mario Bros. 3
5. Various Types of Eagles: Identified by the smell of burning hair which is a result of their poor teleportation technology.
6. Orangutans: If you sense wacky happenings or kooky goings-on in your immediate vicinity that's a good sign that an orangutan attack is already underway.
If you don't see any of these signs, just try asking the animal what it is. If they don't respond, just assume its an eagle of some type.
Tomorrow you find out what to do!
Peace Love and Understanding
Oh no! all that careful to avoid an attack didn't work, and now you find yourself in the clutches of an attacking predator. The reason for the attack isn't that important, what is important is judging how to escape, and your escape plan is based entirely on what type of animal is coming after you, be it a deep-sea eagle or Mexican Fighting Tree, you will need to get an ID before making your next move, and here is a helpful pocket guide of various attackers:
1. Cheetahs: a big cat that often smells like personal lubricant
2. Koalas: Vicious beats, these little creatures can be picked out for their constant whistling of racist Confederate songs
3. Juice Tigers: Tigers that make a whirring sound and smell like fresh fruits and vegetables.
4. Hideous Gargantuan Deep-Sea Squids: These monsters from the deep are always accompanied by the music from Super Mario Bros. 3
5. Various Types of Eagles: Identified by the smell of burning hair which is a result of their poor teleportation technology.
6. Orangutans: If you sense wacky happenings or kooky goings-on in your immediate vicinity that's a good sign that an orangutan attack is already underway.
If you don't see any of these signs, just try asking the animal what it is. If they don't respond, just assume its an eagle of some type.
Tomorrow you find out what to do!
Peace Love and Understanding
Thursday, February 21, 2008
No Animal Attacks! Pt. 2
We left off yesterday describing how to make yourself a bad target for various types of animal attacks. So, with no further ado, let's continue!
Venomous Villains: scorpions, spiders, chemical factories, various types of eagles
How to Prevent Attack: Having lethal venom running through your body is kind of like being perpetually drunk, like drunks, these animals tend to swagger, brag, and be violent. And like drunks, these animals have no real agenda, they are just out to have fun and cause trouble. The only way to foil their rabble-rousing lifestyle is with extreme boredom. If you are about to be attacked by one of these creatures, covered yourself in dozens of rolls of duct tape or completely tangled coils of rope. You can also leave clues to your location in the form of complex riddles, in case one of these animals is following you.
Aquatic Adversaries: squids, sharks, octopi, giants squids, various types of eagles, and colossal squids
How to Prevent Attack: Nothing ruins a peaceful trip into the woods like some sort of sea creature attacking you. It's really a downer when you set up your campsite, and suddenly a giant squid emerges from an oceanic trench and crushing your tent in its wheelbarrow-sized beak. The only way you can discourage aquatic predators is to make them think that you're one of them. Construct a massive fake squid shell using a large vehicle as the base. I suggest using hoops of lightweight wood bound together and then covered with a shell of papier-mâché that has been painted bright red. Then cover this layer of paint with organic or electronic photophores that simulate the complex color changing ability of squid. Link all of this to a complex computer-controlled system so that if you are approached by a squid you can convince it not to attempt to mate with you.
How will you know what it is that is attacking you? Find out tomorrow!
Peace Love and Understanding
Venomous Villains: scorpions, spiders, chemical factories, various types of eagles
How to Prevent Attack: Having lethal venom running through your body is kind of like being perpetually drunk, like drunks, these animals tend to swagger, brag, and be violent. And like drunks, these animals have no real agenda, they are just out to have fun and cause trouble. The only way to foil their rabble-rousing lifestyle is with extreme boredom. If you are about to be attacked by one of these creatures, covered yourself in dozens of rolls of duct tape or completely tangled coils of rope. You can also leave clues to your location in the form of complex riddles, in case one of these animals is following you.
Aquatic Adversaries: squids, sharks, octopi, giants squids, various types of eagles, and colossal squids
How to Prevent Attack: Nothing ruins a peaceful trip into the woods like some sort of sea creature attacking you. It's really a downer when you set up your campsite, and suddenly a giant squid emerges from an oceanic trench and crushing your tent in its wheelbarrow-sized beak. The only way you can discourage aquatic predators is to make them think that you're one of them. Construct a massive fake squid shell using a large vehicle as the base. I suggest using hoops of lightweight wood bound together and then covered with a shell of papier-mâché that has been painted bright red. Then cover this layer of paint with organic or electronic photophores that simulate the complex color changing ability of squid. Link all of this to a complex computer-controlled system so that if you are approached by a squid you can convince it not to attempt to mate with you.
How will you know what it is that is attacking you? Find out tomorrow!
Peace Love and Understanding
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
BACK UP AND RUNNING/ No Animal Attacks! Pt. 1
Ah, it's good to be back writing again!
Since your old pal John loves the outdoors, I thought I would put together a guide for you on how to avoid getting attacked by nasty animals! I have divided up the animals by attack type, and have included some nifty strategies to keep nature the way it was intended---for humans only!!
Step 1: Make Yourself a Bad Target
The best and easiest way to not get attacked in the wild is to make the animal not want to get you in the first place. Animals are exactly like humans in the sense that they will not attack someone unless they have something they want, or can obviously kick their ass. However, keeping these animals away is not as simple as doing some reps, drinking protein shakes, or walking around on stilts covered in tiger urine. What follows is a list of how to ward off each type of attacker:
Cats That Bite: Cheetahs, Pumas, Lynx, Tigers, Panthers
How to Prevent Attack: Cats that bite are usually very insecure. They bite because they want to prove to their friends and to you that they are really macho. The best way to prevent an attack therefore is to show them that you aren't a threat to their masculinity. You can do this by wearing a shirt featuring a biting cat such as a panther or lion, and wearing a foam hand that says "#1" on it. Then yell "woooooo" right in the cat's face. This should do the trick. If this doesn't work, it may be because you are carrying some food that the cat likes. The next time you go to the woods, leave behind your cheese wheels, bowls of milk, fish on a string, plush animals, or hunks of human flesh.
Animals that Stomp: Elephants, hippopotamuses, rhinoceroses, Israeli bulldozers, buffalo herds, rolling boulders.
How To Prevent Attack: You can tell a stomping thing by it's uncanny ability to run fast and crush stuff with its massive body. They are often keenly intelligent and have an insatiable lust for human blood. Luckily they also have a number of deep-rooted phobias that can be used to make you an unacceptable choice of prey. It's widely known that elephants are afraid of mice, so construct a suit of live mice by covering a pair of overalls in hot glue and then rolling in a pit full of mice. Those pesky elephants will keep their distance. Hippos are supposedly fearless, but research we conducted seems to indicate that they are in fact afraid of massive explosions. Luckily the Far East provides us with a solution in the form of the martyr vest, a convenient contraption designed with pouches for plastic explosives. Works great with hot glue and mice! Where there's smoke there's fire, and nothing persuades a charging rhino to change direction like a raging inferno. Since fire can be hazardous to your health we advise a mobile pyrotechnics display as opposed to the more convenient but more painful self-immolation. Nothing stops an Israeli bulldozer like giant bags of money, buffalo herds can be put to rest with hypnotism, and rolling boulders are just unstoppable. Sorry.
TOMORROW: VENOM, AND UNDERWATER ATTACKS!
Since your old pal John loves the outdoors, I thought I would put together a guide for you on how to avoid getting attacked by nasty animals! I have divided up the animals by attack type, and have included some nifty strategies to keep nature the way it was intended---for humans only!!
Step 1: Make Yourself a Bad Target
The best and easiest way to not get attacked in the wild is to make the animal not want to get you in the first place. Animals are exactly like humans in the sense that they will not attack someone unless they have something they want, or can obviously kick their ass. However, keeping these animals away is not as simple as doing some reps, drinking protein shakes, or walking around on stilts covered in tiger urine. What follows is a list of how to ward off each type of attacker:
Cats That Bite: Cheetahs, Pumas, Lynx, Tigers, Panthers
How to Prevent Attack: Cats that bite are usually very insecure. They bite because they want to prove to their friends and to you that they are really macho. The best way to prevent an attack therefore is to show them that you aren't a threat to their masculinity. You can do this by wearing a shirt featuring a biting cat such as a panther or lion, and wearing a foam hand that says "#1" on it. Then yell "woooooo" right in the cat's face. This should do the trick. If this doesn't work, it may be because you are carrying some food that the cat likes. The next time you go to the woods, leave behind your cheese wheels, bowls of milk, fish on a string, plush animals, or hunks of human flesh.
Animals that Stomp: Elephants, hippopotamuses, rhinoceroses, Israeli bulldozers, buffalo herds, rolling boulders.
How To Prevent Attack: You can tell a stomping thing by it's uncanny ability to run fast and crush stuff with its massive body. They are often keenly intelligent and have an insatiable lust for human blood. Luckily they also have a number of deep-rooted phobias that can be used to make you an unacceptable choice of prey. It's widely known that elephants are afraid of mice, so construct a suit of live mice by covering a pair of overalls in hot glue and then rolling in a pit full of mice. Those pesky elephants will keep their distance. Hippos are supposedly fearless, but research we conducted seems to indicate that they are in fact afraid of massive explosions. Luckily the Far East provides us with a solution in the form of the martyr vest, a convenient contraption designed with pouches for plastic explosives. Works great with hot glue and mice! Where there's smoke there's fire, and nothing persuades a charging rhino to change direction like a raging inferno. Since fire can be hazardous to your health we advise a mobile pyrotechnics display as opposed to the more convenient but more painful self-immolation. Nothing stops an Israeli bulldozer like giant bags of money, buffalo herds can be put to rest with hypnotism, and rolling boulders are just unstoppable. Sorry.
TOMORROW: VENOM, AND UNDERWATER ATTACKS!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)