What type of driver are you? Pt. 1

So, you're all grown up now, got your own set of wheels now. You're ready to hit the road, right? Wrong! You have no idea what kind of freaks could be out on the road! I have assembled a helpful guide so you can easily identify those cretins we call "our fellow humans" out on the road. Hopefully, once you learn about each group of people, you can either ID yourself as one of them (poor you), or you can become a more savvy driver. The choice is yours!

To start off, we have the very common

1. Homeboyz:

Sphere of Awareness: Miles, since they are always scoping the horizon for rival homeboyz, potential honeys to holler at, and anyone with a louder stereo than theirs.

Chances of Encounter: High

Speed: Either insanely far above or below the speed limit

Driving Style: Agressive

Description: There are four primary types of Homeboyz to be aware of: white, black, Hispanic, and Asian. Other groups, such as the Icelandic Homeboyz and the Norwegian Homeboy probably exist, but don't have such a strong presence. The Homeboyz can be easily spotted thanks to an early warning detection system known as "sticking your head outside the window." If you hear a faint, repetitious thumping noise, you can be almost sure that a Homeboy is somewhere within a 15 mile radius of your automobile. Homeboyz vehicles are notorious for going against the "traditional" vehicle cost structure (how the majority of the money invested in the vehicle is spent) which is as follows:

1) The car itself (most expensive)
2) Additional safety features
3) Burglar protection system

Instead, the cost structure for Homeboyz cars is as follows:

1) Stereo system
2) Tires
3) Spoiler / stick-on decals that display their car manufacturer's name in gigantic letters

The actual cost of the car ranks somewhere around 158th place, right below "crown-shaped air freshener". As a result, you will see many Homeboyz driving around in "souped up" (read as: "has car doors from a totally different vehicle") cars like stolen and recently impounded Hondas. Despite having an above average Sphere of Awareness, Homeboyz are usually reclined back in their seats to the point where the top of their forehead is well below the dashboard. Many scientists studying the habits of Homeboyz were at a loss to explain how they were able to see their surroundings through the metal and plastic of the car.
However, it has recently been discovered that Homeboyz have actually evolved to their driving style, featuring something dubbed a "Homeboy Periscope" which allows them to see the road in front of their car while being submerged up to five feet below the dashboard. If you encounter a Homeboy, do NOT under any circumstances look in its general direction, as the glare from all the chrome of the vehicle and the 10 cubic tons of imitation gold around their necks will instantly blind you.



2. Elderly Couple About to Die

Sphere of Awareness: Very Low
Chances of Encounter: Fairly high, especially on a Sunday afternoon
Speed: Dangerously low
Driving Style: Unpredictable and unstable
Description: These people simply drive as slow as they can on every highway or side street in America. They oftentimes will have their turn signal on for miles, never turning once. They seem to think that everyone around them is going too fast, and that they have somehow earned a right to do whatever they want because they have earned it. How you can you tell if you are one of these people or if the person in front of you is more than just a slow driver? Here, find out! They/you have one or more of the following:

Collection of foam hats on the back windshield
License plate holder which reads "World's Greatest Grandparents"
Bumper sticker that mentions either Jesus or the VFW
Car is the size of a large houseboat
Beanie Baby collection on back windshield


Luckily they are not very aggressive, although they do have a tendency to shift into other lanes with little to no warning. Scientists believe that not even the Elderly Couple is aware of when they're going to shift lanes; an unpredictable biological impulse is suddenly sent to the driver's brain and he immediately reacts by swerving to the right or left. No cure has been found for this disease yet, as the test subjects tend to keep dying.

I will have more tomorrow, and then more the day after that

Peace Love and Understanding