How To Get a Good Job, pt. 3

So now that you are ready to go, let's prep for that ever-important interview, shall we?

Now, remember: you never get a second chance for a first impression, so it is important to tread lightly at first. The boss will try to engage you in small-talk upon first meeting you. Be careful to thoughtfully and carefully answer each of your future boss's questions, because although they may seem like little wastes of time, they are in fact a stealth way for the boss to discover you many personality flaws and shortcomings!

For example

Boss: "Hey, how are you doing?"

Hmm...why exactly does the boss want to know how you are doing? Red Flag! Is he asking if perhaps you have had a problem with drugs or alcohol, and are now in the process of rehabbing? Does he think you have something to hide?

Since you will at this point want to respond with an answer that displays your intelligence, enthusiasm, and charisma, you should show your boss you are not easily fooled by his trap.

One possible way to respond is:

You: "I stab you DEAD!" (then you lunge at him with a serrated combat knife).


While this does show your charisma and keen intellect, it also shows your boss that you lack basic "people skills." Your intentions were in the right place, but the execution was all wrong!

Let's try it again:


Boss: "Hey, how are you?"

You: "I stab you DEAD" (but you DON'T lunge at him with a knife).

Good, now that the small talk is over, it's time to move on to the body of the interview. Your boss will try to trip you up by finding discrepancies between your resume and real life. Be ready for these traps!

Boss: "So, it says here you went to Harvard..."

You: "YES!! I swear to GOD, I seriously went to Harvard!"

Boss: "umm ok, good, have you--"

You: "For Pete's sake, I really went to Harvard!! Why would I lie about that? The reason you probably couldn't get in touch with any of my references is that they uhhh all went out of town this week! I am serious!!"

Boss: "Ok, that's fine I believe you.."

You: "I FUCKING WENT THERE!!! AHHHHH!!! HARVARD!!"

Now, the boss will believe that you went to Harvard, whether you did or not, due to your savvy smooth-talk. Next, the boss will try to question your motivation and interest in working at his company. You need to mask your real reason that you "need money," and think of ways to show your boss that you have great personality traits and a good work ethic. Show him that you are all about team spirit and so forth.

Boss: "So why do you want to be a part of InterCoreSoft Marketing Strategies?"

You: "I love being on a team! Hurray! I have a can-do attitude that needs to be around other strapping gentlemen who enjoy rolling up their sleeves, getting dirty and doing a hard day's work! Yay friends!"

Boss: "umm ok good.."

You: "Life's troubles are like a rainbow, and there is gold at the end! Yay, life is like a box of yum-yum cookies! Turn that from upsidedown! Shift paradigms! Think outside the box and maximize output!"

Boss: "please get security in here..."

You: "Look, watch watch!!!" (you jump out the window into traffic)

Now that you have thoroughly impressed your boss with all the skills and traits needed in an employee, you can sit back and wait for the job offers to roll in!


Peace, Love and Understanding

How to Get a Good Job pt. 2

(Note: There are images in this post that are important if this entry is to make any sense. If you cannot see them, then visit my blog which can be found under "my websites" unless you are currently reading my blog, in which case carry on)

So when we left off, I told you I would tell you how to dress for a job interview. To start, here is how to NOT dress:












See? This poor fool will never get the job he seeks! His hair is unkempt and greasy. His WCW shirt is far too stained and wrinkled for the workplace, and his pants look as though they were stolen from a Salvation Army dumpster. This schmuck is not "hiring material" at all!



See? Now we are getting somewhere! He has now procured some tennis shoes, his hair is combed, and he has removed the stains from his WCW shirt. However, he is still far from being ready for his big interview!

Ahh! That is even better! Notice how the sharp, colorful and trendy suit draws the eyes away from the sagging groinf area? His confident air exudes responsibility and respect! However, he has something in his hand that you might not notice, but the keen eye of an employer will, and that is a big "no no." We can teach you how to fix this!


Huzzah! Success--full success! This young man is ready for his job, looking sharp as a thumbtack! He has even taken a bath, which brings me to a very important note:

1. Bathe regularly
2. Bathe BEFORE getting dressed.

I cannot stress how important it is to take these steps in the correct order. Seriously, nothing screams "unprofessional" like a wet, soapy individual. If you do not have a shower or bathtub, use a neighbor's pool. If no pool is available, break into a YMCA after hours and use their pool or showers. If there is no Y near you, go to Wal-Mart and rub air fresheners on your crotch. If this is not an option, ask your potential boss if he or she can interview you outside a meat-rendering plant.


Next time: The actual interview!!!

How to Get a Good Job

In this fast-paced world of industry, technology, and sociology majors living on peanut butter sandwiches in their parents' basement while buying gas with money they get from donating blood, everyone is searching for the perfect job. You may be asking yourself: "John, I applied for jobs, get called in for interviews and I never get called back! I did everything: I wore the finest clothes, spoke of my knowledge and expertise, and wore that Target brand cologne to cover up the smell of salami! What more can I do?



Well, it's actually quite easy. The key to nailing an interview is the quality of your resume. How do you make a grade-A resume? All you have to do is follow these easy steps!


Now, we all know that everyone lies on their resume---in fact, companies have come to expect this. The trick is to create awesome lies that will separate you from the other ham-fisted galoots out there looking for jobs. The following "embellishments" should spice up your resume enough to land you the job.

• By taking certain "liberties" with your previous job titles, you can spice up your otherwise boring work experience. For example, "Hot Dog Vendor" can easily become "Processed Meat Distribution Manager." "High School Janitor" can become "Hazardous Waste Removal Agent."
  
• Lie about your name. Think about a name Bruce Willis would have in one of his kick-ass "sweaty guy who shoots like 10,000 terrorists" movies. Some good choices might include "Buff McMuscles," "Stone Breaker, Jr." " "Danger Steele" "Dan Everhard" "Ace Jackson" or "Beau McGonnical." If anyone hassles you about why the name on your Social Security card doesn't match up, throw hot coffee in their face and run. (Remember, always bring a Thermos of some sort of hot liquid to a job interview for just such emergencies).
• Try to do anything to connect to your potential employer. One example might be: "Oh your dad is Ted Johnson? That's MY dad too!!"

The next step is to show your potential boss what a great worker you are, and what a can-do attittude you have! Throw in some colorful descriptions of yourself! Feel free to use (or scream) any of the following phrases at any point in your interview to show the person how spontaneous and motivated you are:

• Have you ever seen "Alligator: The Movie pt. 2"? I was the fifth guy to get eaten in that one scene where the alligator eats those people.
• I am the only person in the county to be fired from every mini-golf course and/or family-fun center.
• I find it difficult to keep a permenant residence.
• If I ever found a needle lying on the ground, I would pick it up and jam it into my arm. I hope that shows you what a dedicated worker I am, and the kind of 'can-do' attittude I bring to the workplace.
• It's not sweat, it's mucus.
• Clowns used to scare me, until I murdered a group of them while the carnival was closing. Now I am not afraid anymore. I think maybe that is a skill that could transfer over to the work environment.

Also, make sure to add a ton of clipart to your resume to give it some visual flair. It also shows your boss that you have sophisticated "computer know-how." The best ones to use are the pictures of birthday presents, people dancing, or possibly that one with the lumberjack.


Next time: how to dress!!

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