No Animal Attacks! Pt. 4

The Course of Action:

What do you do now that you know what is headed towards you? Do you run? Climb? Scream? Well, as we all know, Action Jackson got his nickname by surviving these attacks, so if you want your nickname to be "action" and not "eaten" then here is what you do:

A lot of morons will tell you that playing dead works, but that is why they are morons. You need to act in an active, anti-devouring kind of way.

Head Biting: Your head is the most valuable place on the human body, since it is where you store your hopes and dreams. If an animal goes for your head, just whip it around a lot, and cover it with your arms, because even a baby brown bear can crush your skull with one bite, so don't let him get ahold of it.

Torso Biting: A bit to the torso is less serious than one to the head, but it's still bad. The best thing to do is just bash at the head of whatever is attacking you and yell "fire!!" this will distract the attacker and get the attention of any eco-nerds wandering the woods, who can prove much more weak and delicious for your attacker.

Limb Biting: Not really all that bad...if they have your leg or arm, it means they aren't biting your head or torso. Let them gnaw and make a run for safety.

Suffocation: Some animals attempt to stop you from breathing. Breathing is what your body does when it needs oxygen. Oxygen is a gas that your body does something with in some process that is important. So make sure you don't stop breathing.

Electrocution: Some predators use powerful bioelectric shocks to incapacitate or even kill their prey. These suck pretty bad, but if you get hit with one just try to walk it off, you know, take it like a man. If you're a huuuuuuuuuuuge crybaby and you can't do that then just go home to mommy I guess you big baby.

So you've made it this far and you still have a pulse, great! But you're not in the clear yet, you no doubt have all manner of life-threatening injuries. From here you need to run, walk, or crawl to the nearest hospital. If the severity of your injuries prevents you from doing this then give a hoot and start digging a shallow grave that you can collapse into. Keep America's wild lands beautiful.


Peace Love and Understanding