Ok so we are all human right? What does that expression mean? Well, essentially it is a cover-all when we do something stupid...who can argue with that logic? I am human, therefore I have license to screw-up at times. So here are some situations that are without a doubt the most embarassing you can get into in everyday life. Obviously there are more embarassing things that could happen, like say, "crapping one's pants in front of a national audience on a game show" but things like that aren't exactly "everyday" in nature. Therefore, these examples are things that could easily happen to you tomorrow, today, or even 5 minutes from now.
Situation 1: A waiter says "enjoy your meal" and you say "you too"
This is not limited to just waiters. This scenario can be applied to an usher saying "enjoy the film" to you at the movies. This embarassing exchange is probably the most common embarassing moments in all of human interaction. The reason is simple: We are so conditioned to respond politely when someone tells us to have a nice day or enjoy the weather, etc. So really, the problem is that we are polite without exactly knowing why. Your best bet in this situation is to ignore it, because clearly you are not the first person in the history of the world to do this. Rest assured your waiter or usher has heard this about 50 times that day before you came his way. A friend of mine suggested that there is no reason to get embarassed because the waiter will undoubtedly eat a meal in the neat future, and the usher will probably see a movie sometime soon. Therefore it really is not that stupid of a thing to say.
Situation 2: You lean back in your chair and either nearly fall or do fall but jump out before nailing your head on the ground.
Yes, it is a relaxing feeling to lean back in your chair, whether it be a plastic molded cafeteria style chair, a desk chair, or a simple metal folding chair, it is a great feeling of euphoria. However, sometimes gravity kicks in, and you find yourself flailing your arms to keep from falling backwards. Sometimes the chair gives out, but you bail just in time. Either way, you look like an idiot in front of whoever is around. Chair-leaning is a very "cool" thing to do, and if you can't pull it off, well you just suck. The solution is this: DO NOT yell at the chair, saying it is broken, because well, no one yells at furniture, you just look like a bigger idiot. Also, do not fake injury because after the fact no one will trust you. Your best bet is to go with the flow. Pick your chair back up, make sure it is secure, and say something like, "let's try this again." If you have a smile on your face, you will only receive a smattering of snickers, nothing more.
Situation 3: You are faced with an "ethnic" handshake and awkwardly try to seem cool, but end up looking like you are feably trying to fight them and embarass your entire race.
This one is not so easy. Since we all know that white people are the lamest race, we don't have a whole lot of breathing room to make social faux-pas. The standard white-guy handshake is a simple firm grasping of hands, with one, maybe two pumps, usually while maintaining eye contact. But now, you are faced with an open palm being held at a 45-degree angle. What do you do? Often times, you awkwardly grad at their hand or wrist area, then try to pull them forward in a lame "guy-hug." If this happens to you, you may become terrified of appearing square or racist. The key is, do something quickly. The worst thing you can do is hesitate and play it off like "o geez I am so white, I don't know what to do!" this only hurts you in the long run. You know whiteys are lame, so don't go around spreading the news. Act in a fashion that says, "I've been here before." Take action, any action, because after all, a handshake is the ultimate test of machismo, so don't let down your race and gender in this situation. If we are to believe that all races and genders are equal, then the key is to do your thing with complete confidence.
The Final Situation: You call your teacher "mom"
Often called the "Doomsday Scenario," this is perhaps the most embarassing situation a child or teen can ever find themselves in. First off, you make a malaprop, which in itself is funny. But to compound this, the malaprop involves your teacher. Even funnier, because nothing is more uncool than your teacher, unless your teacher is Mr. Turner. Finally, the malaprop involves relating your teacher to your own mother. The only thing lamer than being down with your teacher is being down with you parents, especially your mom. Therefore several conclusions can be drawn from this situation: a.You love your teacher the way you love your mom; b.Your mom teaches you things at home that you desperately need help with; or c. Both. Therefore, NEVER try to stretch the word "mom" into another word like "Mommmmtana" or "Mommmumental," because undoubtedly the room will have fallen silent on the exact second that your blunder occured. Your peers have within a split second gauged how hard they will laugh at you, and the decided on "very." DO NOT play it off as a joke either, because your classmates are not idiots, and will only laugh harder. In fact, your teacher will probably laugh at you too. Your only option is to put your head down and accept your embarassment. Unfortunately, awkwardness experts have not yet developed a solution to this terrible scenario. Just swallow your pride, take it like a man and accept the fact that you made a terrible slip of the tongue, because your only other option would be to literally crawl into a hole and die.
Well, I hope that these guidelines will help you in the future. I would like to thank Something Awful for providing some of my material and to my friends for provding awkward moments/
Peace Love and Understanding
Monday, March 26, 2007
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Female Voices...Let's Be More Original, Please
So, after the last few years I have become exposed to a wide range of musical genres and styles. However, after all this time I am convinced that female singers feel they need to fit a mold of singing style. Therefore, I have classified the different styles of female singing that you may encounter in your listening:
To start we present:
The Reedy Indie Voice: this voice is associated with those indie singers who feel totally worthwhile because they don't act like that slut Christina Aguilera. These women rely on very breathy, thin voices to deliver poetic lyrics over either soothingly melodic indie tunes, or self-consciously angular and non-cohesive pieces. Some examples of this voice include:
1. The chick from Camera Obscura
2. The chick from Bishop Allen
3. Regina Spektor (I don't know if the spelling is right, and I don't care)
4. Neko Case
5. That Hillary woman from Apples in Stereo
6. The chick from Aberdeen
7. Jennifer O'Connor
8. The singer from Dressy Bessy
9. Both members of Veruca Salt
10. Kim Deal
Next up we have:
The Thin, Reedy, Pop Star Voice: To fit this category, you must have your own voice dubbed several times on your recordings to make up for the fact that it isn't powerful at all. You mostly breathe your lyrics rather than sing them. You concentrate more on dancing than anything else, and what makes things worse is that millions of girls across the country model themselves after you and appear on American Idol. This has led to a nationwide watering-down of talent and threatens to make actual talent obsolete. If you are one of these singers, you have set the bar super low in the music world.
Here are some examples:
1. Britney Spears
2. any woman from the last 3 seasons of American Idol
3. Jessica Simpson
4. Nelly Furtado (who used to be cool...remember "I'm like a bird" ?)
5. members of all-girl a capella groups
6. That chick from Len
7. The Spice Girls
8. 98% of anyone you hear on the radio
The "Look at how powerful my voice is because I riff on every note I sing" voice:
The other 2% of radio women make up this category. This is the opposite end of the spectrum, where girls say to themselves, ok, I will overcompensate and when I sing, I wil stretch every note I sing to every end of the range of hearing, back again, and wrapped around and through the hole. Then they do that stupid thing where they close their eyes, lean back and move their hand around with the notes. Please, just sing the notes that fit the music and soforth. Some examples of these divas include:
1. Beyonce Knowles. (Yes she has a last name, idiot...everyone has a last name. It seems as though the record company made you forget that part)
2. Mariah Carey
3. Any black women on American Idol
4. Christina Aguilera, when she takes a break from being a slut that offends all of my senses
Now let's look at some voices that are original. This is not to say that they are more talented than anyone else on this list, far from it. In fact, most of the Indie voices I love. So here are some voices that don't fit any molds:
Peace Love and Understanding
To start we present:
The Reedy Indie Voice: this voice is associated with those indie singers who feel totally worthwhile because they don't act like that slut Christina Aguilera. These women rely on very breathy, thin voices to deliver poetic lyrics over either soothingly melodic indie tunes, or self-consciously angular and non-cohesive pieces. Some examples of this voice include:
1. The chick from Camera Obscura
2. The chick from Bishop Allen
3. Regina Spektor (I don't know if the spelling is right, and I don't care)
4. Neko Case
5. That Hillary woman from Apples in Stereo
6. The chick from Aberdeen
7. Jennifer O'Connor
8. The singer from Dressy Bessy
9. Both members of Veruca Salt
10. Kim Deal
Next up we have:
The Thin, Reedy, Pop Star Voice: To fit this category, you must have your own voice dubbed several times on your recordings to make up for the fact that it isn't powerful at all. You mostly breathe your lyrics rather than sing them. You concentrate more on dancing than anything else, and what makes things worse is that millions of girls across the country model themselves after you and appear on American Idol. This has led to a nationwide watering-down of talent and threatens to make actual talent obsolete. If you are one of these singers, you have set the bar super low in the music world.
Here are some examples:
1. Britney Spears
2. any woman from the last 3 seasons of American Idol
3. Jessica Simpson
4. Nelly Furtado (who used to be cool...remember "I'm like a bird" ?)
5. members of all-girl a capella groups
6. That chick from Len
7. The Spice Girls
8. 98% of anyone you hear on the radio
The "Look at how powerful my voice is because I riff on every note I sing" voice:
The other 2% of radio women make up this category. This is the opposite end of the spectrum, where girls say to themselves, ok, I will overcompensate and when I sing, I wil stretch every note I sing to every end of the range of hearing, back again, and wrapped around and through the hole. Then they do that stupid thing where they close their eyes, lean back and move their hand around with the notes. Please, just sing the notes that fit the music and soforth. Some examples of these divas include:
1. Beyonce Knowles. (Yes she has a last name, idiot...everyone has a last name. It seems as though the record company made you forget that part)
2. Mariah Carey
3. Any black women on American Idol
4. Christina Aguilera, when she takes a break from being a slut that offends all of my senses
Now let's look at some voices that are original. This is not to say that they are more talented than anyone else on this list, far from it. In fact, most of the Indie voices I love. So here are some voices that don't fit any molds:
- Alanis Morrisette
- Norah Jones
- Gwen Stefani
- Joni Mitchell
- The chick from the Cranberries
- Kate Pierson
- The singer from The Sounds
Peace Love and Understanding
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Great Star-Gazing Songs
To round-off my list of songs for different occasions, I now present the best songs to have playing while you lie on your back on the ground or in a car at night while watching the stars. These songs are evocative and soothing, perfect for the contemplative art of star-watching. The descriptions will be very short, if there is any description at all. All you need to know is that these songs are incredibly beautiful and should be put on a mix and played on summer nights.
"Th Silvery Light of the Drean (part II)" by Apples in Stereo. This song has a dream-like quality about it, and the catchy progression coupled with Robert Schneider's mellow voice create a song that sets off the night perfectly.
"I Don't Know" by the Beastie Boys. In a surprisingly soulful and mellow turn, the Boys craft a sensitive, catchy and warming song that displays some fine classical guitar work. This is a gem.
"Across the Universe" by the Beatles. This is one of, if not the best song the Beatles ever wrote.
"Butterfly Net" by Bishop Allen. The vocals on this song coupled with the bare-bones instrumentation could melt butter.
"Let's Go Bowling" by Camera Obscura. Similar to the above description.
"The Wind" by Cat Stevens. Used beautifully in Rushmore, another short and sweet song.
"One Fell Swoop" by Chris Knox. This one might be hard to find, but if you manage to find a copy, you will be blown away by the pipes on this Australian jangle-pop star.
"Beautiful World" by Colin Hay
"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie. Great lyrics, nice and mellow.
"Make a Deal With the City" by East River Pipe
"Mad World" by Gary Jules. Immortalized in Donnie Darko, this cover tune is the epitome of mellow acoustic star-gazing music.
"Attics of My Life" and "Sage and Spirit" by Grateful Dead. If the harmonies in Attics don't send a chill down your spine, then you are probably in a coma, and if Sage doesn't remind you of summers in your childhood, then you had a sucky childhood.
(actually, while on the subject of the Dead, they have a few more amazing star-gazers: "Black Throated Wind," "Black Peter," "Terrapin Station" and "Bird Song")
"Eep Hour" by Jerry Garcia. This trippy instrumental is hypnotizing.
"A Burial at Sea" by The Ladybug Transistor.
"Everywhere" by Lo Fine
"Micon the Icon" by Mark Mulcahy. This is a great example of why Thom Yorke calls Mulcahy the greatest vocalist he has ever head. He sings with emotion and power, and this acoustic ditty is certainly powerful and evocative.
"Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star. Perhaps the most beautiful song of the 1990's.
"Porcelain" by Moby
"Starlight" by Muse
"After the Goldrush" by Neil Young. Described by a one Joey Kuhn as "the most beautiful song ever written"
"Pink Moon" by Nick Drake. This is THE song. Remember that VW commercial with those kids driving around at night? this is the song that was playing as they drove the desolate highways on a summer night, staring up at the stars. A PERFECT song if there ever was one.
"Don't Know Why" by Nora Jones
"No Distance Left to Run" by Blur
"Heaven is a Truck" by Pavement. This is in my running for the most poignant and beautiful song ever written.
(on a Pavement note, also try "The Hexx" another gem)
"Chalice" by Phil Keaggy
"Dirt" by Phish. Finally writing some good lyrics, Phish displays this obvious maturity in song writing.
"Ivy Boy" by Polaris
"Night Swimming" by REM
"Karma Police" by Radiohead. This is the song that made me stop hating Radiohead.
"Bombs Away" by Ratdog
"Mystified" by Rocco DeLuca and the Burden
"Friends" by Ryan Adams
"Nellie Jean" and "Untitled" by the Slip. Absolutely gorgeous songs.
"Take Five" by String Cheese Incident
"Slow Motion" by Third Eye Blind. The instrumental version is what i recommend, not the one with lyrics about shooting people.
Well, that rounds off this list and the "Songs" theme of my blog, at least for a while, or until I run out of ideas. I honestly encourage you to find these songs if you don't own them already, and put them on a mix. Life goes by so fast, enjoy your summer nights while you can.
Peace Love and Understanding.
"Th Silvery Light of the Drean (part II)" by Apples in Stereo. This song has a dream-like quality about it, and the catchy progression coupled with Robert Schneider's mellow voice create a song that sets off the night perfectly.
"I Don't Know" by the Beastie Boys. In a surprisingly soulful and mellow turn, the Boys craft a sensitive, catchy and warming song that displays some fine classical guitar work. This is a gem.
"Across the Universe" by the Beatles. This is one of, if not the best song the Beatles ever wrote.
"Butterfly Net" by Bishop Allen. The vocals on this song coupled with the bare-bones instrumentation could melt butter.
"Let's Go Bowling" by Camera Obscura. Similar to the above description.
"The Wind" by Cat Stevens. Used beautifully in Rushmore, another short and sweet song.
"One Fell Swoop" by Chris Knox. This one might be hard to find, but if you manage to find a copy, you will be blown away by the pipes on this Australian jangle-pop star.
"Beautiful World" by Colin Hay
"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie. Great lyrics, nice and mellow.
"Make a Deal With the City" by East River Pipe
"Mad World" by Gary Jules. Immortalized in Donnie Darko, this cover tune is the epitome of mellow acoustic star-gazing music.
"Attics of My Life" and "Sage and Spirit" by Grateful Dead. If the harmonies in Attics don't send a chill down your spine, then you are probably in a coma, and if Sage doesn't remind you of summers in your childhood, then you had a sucky childhood.
(actually, while on the subject of the Dead, they have a few more amazing star-gazers: "Black Throated Wind," "Black Peter," "Terrapin Station" and "Bird Song")
"Eep Hour" by Jerry Garcia. This trippy instrumental is hypnotizing.
"A Burial at Sea" by The Ladybug Transistor.
"Everywhere" by Lo Fine
"Micon the Icon" by Mark Mulcahy. This is a great example of why Thom Yorke calls Mulcahy the greatest vocalist he has ever head. He sings with emotion and power, and this acoustic ditty is certainly powerful and evocative.
"Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star. Perhaps the most beautiful song of the 1990's.
"Porcelain" by Moby
"Starlight" by Muse
"After the Goldrush" by Neil Young. Described by a one Joey Kuhn as "the most beautiful song ever written"
"Pink Moon" by Nick Drake. This is THE song. Remember that VW commercial with those kids driving around at night? this is the song that was playing as they drove the desolate highways on a summer night, staring up at the stars. A PERFECT song if there ever was one.
"Don't Know Why" by Nora Jones
"No Distance Left to Run" by Blur
"Heaven is a Truck" by Pavement. This is in my running for the most poignant and beautiful song ever written.
(on a Pavement note, also try "The Hexx" another gem)
"Chalice" by Phil Keaggy
"Dirt" by Phish. Finally writing some good lyrics, Phish displays this obvious maturity in song writing.
"Ivy Boy" by Polaris
"Night Swimming" by REM
"Karma Police" by Radiohead. This is the song that made me stop hating Radiohead.
"Bombs Away" by Ratdog
"Mystified" by Rocco DeLuca and the Burden
"Friends" by Ryan Adams
"Nellie Jean" and "Untitled" by the Slip. Absolutely gorgeous songs.
"Take Five" by String Cheese Incident
"Slow Motion" by Third Eye Blind. The instrumental version is what i recommend, not the one with lyrics about shooting people.
Well, that rounds off this list and the "Songs" theme of my blog, at least for a while, or until I run out of ideas. I honestly encourage you to find these songs if you don't own them already, and put them on a mix. Life goes by so fast, enjoy your summer nights while you can.
Peace Love and Understanding.
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