Rules for Attending/Performing Concerts

Over this Christmas break, you may be tempted to attend a concert or two, or in the case of you ambitious musicians out there, perhaps you are going to try to gig somewhere. Well, before you do any of these things, please heed these pieces of advice:


1. Rules for Performers:


a) Singers: Do not under any circumstance grab the microphone with two hands and close your eyes to sing...ever. Oh, and stop dressing your hands and wrists with strings, bands, henna tattoos, rings, and whatever else you're using to try to mask the fact that you aren't playing an instrument. And stand the fuck up every once in a while. The whole cripple with an inner ear infection bit got tired when Bono was in his 20s. Also, please no dancing. Only Rock and Roll maneuvers will be acceptable, such as holding the mic out to the crowd or going back-to-back with your guitarist, but don't grab him while he's trying to play...he doesn't have the luxury of doing nothing like you do. He has to concentrate on you know, playing an instrument.

b) Bass Players: Hang out in the back, don't move around too much. If you need to talk, talk to the drummer. No more of this primping and prancing. We want to see you showing off like we want to see some fancy moves from the referee at a football game. Provide backing vocals when necessary, do your thing...long story short: keep it simple.

c) Drummers: Wear a shirt, especially one with sleeves, that would be ideal. Also, gloves are not necessary...you aren't bench-pressing anything. I am a drummer, and yes you get blisters, so maybe put the sticks down every once in a while, or bring some tape, easy as that.



2. No more "witty" banter: As a rock star you are constantly surrounded by people who think you shit velvet, and those people have probably led you to believe that you're a pretty funny guy. But here' the thing: you're not. Like at all. We all know you probably love drinking beers and you love women and stuff, yeah because you are a cool rock n' rollster, like Uncle Jesse or Brett Michaels. Well, that's fantastic. Also, simply because you swear a lot while talking to the audience does not make you a badass, nor does it make you look really laid-back and hip. You simply look desperate to appear down-to-earth.


3. Rules for Concertgoers:

a) Do not yell out song requests. Musicians have these things called set lists and they are integral with lighting and...never mind, you're drunk. Just stop it.

b) Do not make out at concerts. We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parent's basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn't lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe.

c) Stop taking pictures with your cell phone cameras- You people spend $100 to go to a concert so that you can watch the entire event on a 3-inch by 2-inch green-lit, night-vision screen. Rather than enjoying the music, you spend your time trying to determine if that speck that looks like a glow in the dark amoeba swimming around in a cloudy bucket of piss is Bono or the Edge.

Peace Love and Understanding