No Animal Attacks! Pt. 3

Just What the Heck is Attacking you?

Oh no! all that careful to avoid an attack didn't work, and now you find yourself in the clutches of an attacking predator. The reason for the attack isn't that important, what is important is judging how to escape, and your escape plan is based entirely on what type of animal is coming after you, be it a deep-sea eagle or Mexican Fighting Tree, you will need to get an ID before making your next move, and here is a helpful pocket guide of various attackers:


1. Cheetahs: a big cat that often smells like personal lubricant

2. Koalas: Vicious beats, these little creatures can be picked out for their constant whistling of racist Confederate songs

3. Juice Tigers: Tigers that make a whirring sound and smell like fresh fruits and vegetables.

4. Hideous Gargantuan Deep-Sea Squids: These monsters from the deep are always accompanied by the music from Super Mario Bros. 3

5. Various Types of Eagles: Identified by the smell of burning hair which is a result of their poor teleportation technology.

6. Orangutans: If you sense wacky happenings or kooky goings-on in your immediate vicinity that's a good sign that an orangutan attack is already underway.

If you don't see any of these signs, just try asking the animal what it is. If they don't respond, just assume its an eagle of some type.


Tomorrow you find out what to do!

Peace Love and Understanding