Regrets!!

So I was thinking today, about all the little things I have regretted doing or not doing in my relatively short lifetime. Therefore I present a list of soul-bearing events from my 20 years on this earth. Therefore, I regret:

• Crying at the end of "Milo and Otis" when I was 4 at Mike Oberst's house
• Expecting the new Ninja Turtles movie to be good
• Not buying the Simpsons Arcade Game for 300 dollars in Cape Cod when I was 13
• Not performing "Wild Wild West" at my high school talent show
• Believing Albert Belle was going to be awesome for the Orioles
• Never committing to growing a full beard
• Only getting the Cheesy Gordita Cruch at Taco Bell twice
• Eating at Jim's Steakout on multiple occasions
• Hoping that an attractive female jazz-fusion fan would recognize the Medeski, Martin and Wood symbol on my t-shirt and start a conversation about them

• Assuming that Moonshoes would hold my weight at age 19
• The fact that the picture of me and Peter Frampton from when I met him at the House of Guitars did not have the flash on
• Not seeing Jonathan Coulton at R.I.T.
• Not punching that one guy that time
  

That's all for today, folks!

Peace Love and Understanding

Sailing the High Seas With Captain Big Bear

The high sea I am referring to is actually lake Wanita in the southern tier of New York State, and Capt. Big Bear is not actually a bear, nor is he a ranking official in any sort of naval or marine outfit. Rather, this is the story of how I, at age 13, had some of the strangest 2 hours ever recorded.

It all started at boy scout camp, Camp Gorton, to be exact. It's not too far from Watkins Glen, and is a nice place to have fun outside and enjoy nature, possibly earning some merit badges. Well one of the badges I signed up for was "small boat sailing," in which I would learn how to operate a Sunfish sailboat. Sounds like fun, right? Especially since my friends were taking it with me. Well, the last day of sailing came about and we had to pair up and take our boats out for two hours onto the lake. Unfortunately, my friend Jason had already paired up with my other friend, Tom, leaving me alone. Jason suggested, so as not to appear a complete asshole, that I pair up with "Captain Big Bear"(who will from now on will be referred to as CBB). Now let me tell you a bit about this chap, so you can get a mental picture: he was about 5-10, and closing in on the 250 mark, so not a small man by any means. His head was shaped like a pumpkin, and he had a mop of auburn hair. His nose was round and wide, and he had a big goofy perma-grin on his chubby face. He was ridiculous and incompetant, and though I had never met him before this sailing class, that didn't stop him from telling me bizarre details of his personal life, most of which I assume he was making up.

Anyway, I decided to swallow my pride and take a boat out with him. Things are going reasonably well until we get out to the middle of the lake. Suddenly he starts singing loudly and moving the rudder with the same force and motion of someone trying to sand the bark off of a tree. We veer off course completely, and CBB decides he needs to work the sail as well. The next thing I know, the wind has died down and we are literally stuck in the middle of the lake, just me and CBB. We then started drifting aimlessly, until the wind picked up again, and we we hurdled toward someone's private dock like a stone out of a sling. CBB now begins to yell, asking me if I think any of the cottages along the lake are "porno huts" with "naked lady conventions" inside. Just then, he decides to fiddle with the sail, causing the large metal pole that runs perpendicular to my face to collapse, just as we collide with someone's dock. CBB is beside himself with giddyness, and I could not be more humiliated as Jason and Tom sail by with ease. Finally we made our way back to shore, and I swore I would never see CBB again as long as I lived.


WRONG



2 years later, while hiking with that same group of my boy scout friends, who should we run across in literally the middle of nowhere NYS, but Captain Big Bear!!

And, he remembered me!!! I said to him "hey there, captain big bear!" and he was like "hey buddy!" and he went his way and I went mine.

I have no idea what ever happened to him, but I'm sure he having a grand time being big and living the dream.



Peace Love and Understanding

Dumb Things Guys Do

Being a guy, I can't help but notice some behavioral patterns that make us look like a bunch of idiots. I have discussed the things that girls do that drive me crazy, but guys do some stuff that is just as bad.

1. Unnecessary Hugs- Some guys just don't get it. You meet a girl, talk to her a few times, it doesn't mean you are ultra-tight pals. However, some guys feel the need to physically embrace every single female they have ever had a conversation with. The problem here is that first of all, most girls will be creeped out, plain and simple. But more damaging will be your reputation as the "hug guy." You will never be taken seriously by the opposite sex, especially if you are the one constantly standing there with your arms at that awkward half-extension, as if to say, "hey look how adorable I am, please hug me to reaffirm the fact that we know each other." There is nothing wrong with a nice simple arm around the shoulder or better yet, nothing at all. The girl obviously knows who you are, so you don't need a physical sign to prove it. Allow the girl to make the move for physical contact, otherwise you will never rise above "gay-ish friend" status.

2. Pretending To Like Girl Stuff- Before you try to behead me for classifying things as "girl stuff," take a step back. "Grey's Anatomy" is a show geared for women, "The Notebook" is a movie geared for women, and DMB is a band mostly enjoyed by naive college girls. Therefore, if you are a guy, and you show moderate to extreme enthusiasm for these or any similar shows, movies, or music, do yourself a favor and stop immediately, because you are not fooling anyone. Many guys will get excited about "The OC" complete 2nd season dvd, but usually they are doing so to try and impress the girls who also enjoy this particular program. You will end up in the exact same position as the above bullet point. It drives me crazy when guys basically lose their spine over the things they claim to enjoy merely to impress someone. And don't tell me that you actually enjoy these things, because then you are lying to me and yourself.

3. Going All Out With Their Culture- Unless you are from Italy, Ireland, Sweden or wherever, then you have no excuse to rub your nationality in everyone's face. For some reason you never see women plastering themselves with Guinness-related products if they are the least bit Irish, nor do you see them dressing like a greasy idiot if they are Italian. Therefore guys, you don't need to cover your room with anything and everything related to your nationality. It is awesome to be proud of your roots but please, you need to know the bounds of this self-expression.

Thats just the tip of the iceberg, since there is so much more from both sexes that are universally unappealing.

PS I called Jay Gibbons' steroid use years ago, and now it has finally come to be. Way to go, you cheater.

Peace Love and Understanding