4. Hippie Kids
First of all, let me make something very clear: Unless you were born to parents who were hippies or came of age from 1965-1975, you my friend are not a hippie. Merely because you have long hair, wear "earthy" clothes, and like to go see jam bands in concert does not make you a freaking hippie. I fit all of these categories, to be honest, but in moderation: they do not make up my whole life nor do they define who I am. However, there are people who have decided to fit into this faux-hippie model, and they are pathetic human beings. Now let me paint you a picture of these individuals, so you can avoid them in the future:
If it's a guy: He will undoubtedly being decked out in either one of his many old jam band shirts, or flannel. He will be wearing pants that are made from patches of old clothes, or some sort of slacks that have been ripped and shredded. He NEVER wears shoes, unless they are sandals of some sort, and when he is barefoot, he will usually point it out to you. He loves playing frisbee and hackey-sack, and rejects conventional sports. When it comes to musical talent, there is some to go around. However, most "hippies" you will encounter make weak attempts at playing guitar, or instead of actually receiving formal instruction in percussion (like me, for example), they decided that "true rhythm can't be taught," and instead just bang on garbage or really expensive African drums with their eyes closed, as if this will help them "feel" the music better. Guys also will develop a habit of trying to learn really obscure instruments, such as the glockenspiel or sousaphone, then incorporate it into their really shitty bands. Also, they will have terrible long hair that they will constantly be brushing out of their face. They will tell you that they are really into camping and stuff, although the extent of their outdoor experience would be sleeping in the backyard of their parents' house. If you were to put any of them in the wilderness with the stuff they thought they need, they would be crying or dead within the next 3 days.
If it's a girl: They will have awful dreadlocks or braids, and their choice of clothing is atrocious. They will wear tons of wool and north face gear in an attempt to look really outdoorsy. They all wear backpacks with a holder for their Nalgene bottle, which is either filled with water or some sort of terrible organic tea. They often have ugly piercings or tattoos, and smell pretty terrible. They wear ridiculous handbags and purses that look as though they were made by a Peruvian child with epilepsy. If there is a social cause of any sort, they will do it, regardless of what it is: starving children in Africa, too many guns in Australia, illegal chocolate farm in Mongolia, Silo explosion in Gary, Indiana. You name it, they are gonna rally blindly behind it. They also range in attractiveness, from the downright adorable to Medusa.
Music they listen to: Not too much, actually. They will wear all sorts of gear from Phish and the Dead, but probably not own more than the Grateful Dead's Greatest Hits and Farmhouse by Phish. This will not stop them from wearing shirts featuring such bands as: moe., Widespread Panic, Galactic, MMW, Umphree's Mcgee, Disco Biscuits, etc. They will usually say they have "heard some of their stuff but dont actually own any of it." Another great aspect of this group is their supposed love of "enlightened" hip-hop, such as Common, the Roots, Jurassic 5, and Talib Kweli. Once any of these bands perform at a music festival, they are fair game for a "hippie"kid.
Advantages to Friendship: They are generally pretty laid back, and if you are into weed, they will almost certainly have access to some. However, they will usually make a huge deal about it on April 20th, in which they will constantly say they are going to "celebrate" the day, usually while being super "sly" and acting like an idiot. You are almost assured to know more about music or any other subject than them, and they will probably praise you for your "awesome" knowledge. Many "hippie" girls can be very cute, so I guess that is a plus. However, good luck getting her to commit to anything, because "hippies" tend to "space out."
Drawbacks of Friendship: As stated above, they space a lot. They are hopelessly idealistic about everything, usually because they never took the time to actually think things out, and because their idiot "hippie" friends all agree with them. They will try to get you to go to their activist meetings and pretend you care about pandas or organic bananas. If you want to go to a concert, do not rely on these people. They will get real excited to hear that a band is coming near to your location, because although they've never actually heard or seen them, they "hear that band is INCREDIBLE live!" However, they will never ever actually make any kind of effort to obtain tickets, because it is more important to them to make sure you know they are familiar with a band than to follow up on something. They will often get some stupid scheme that involves going to some remote location to take pictures of leaves, and then drag you along.
That's all for today, kids
Peace Love and Understanding
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Types of People I Have Met in My Life Part 3: That One Commuter Kid
3. That One Commuter Kid:
When you go away to school, the majority of people are like you, attending a school far enough from home that on or near campus residence is required. However, in at least one of your classes there will undoubtedly be that one kid who lives like 10 minutes from the college. He or she is always just a bit behind everyone else in terms of everything: style of dress, social skills, hygiene, music tastes. This kid can be identified by several factors.
If it is a guy: He always comes in a few minutes after class started, and loudly seats himself in the back of the room. He wears his trademark black jeans with his t-shirt tucked in. The shirt is probably gray, featuring a Nike logo or some long forgotten brand-name, such as Bugle Boy, Jnco Jeans, or Starter. It may also feature the logo for some company that probably makes skateboards but that skateboarders would never buy, and I have only seen at Marshall's or K-Mart. Their shirt may also be black, tucked into plain jeans, featuring images of Slipknot, Korn, or Papa Roach. Their footwear is probably old boots they bought at Wal-Mart that have mud caked on them, and the laces are frayed and hanging all over the place.Their terrible haircut will match this ill-concieved sense of style, probably reflecting their attempt at being "anti-conformist" which would be fine, if it was still 1998. They usually have really weird interests, like rock collecting or an obsession with being a state trooper. They love Family Guy and the "American Pie" Movies, and probably listen to bands like Nickleback or Hinder.
If it's a girl: Instead of coming in late, they are always there extra early, usually the first one in class. She is wearing her jean shorts with the elastic waist band, ankle socks, plain white Avia shoes, and probably one of those weird wolf shirts, or maybe one with kittens or a white horse. They almost always have plain round glasses and usually have their nasty peroxide-dyed hair tied back with a scrunchie. They often laugh loudly and at inappropriate times. They usually have some item on them that features Mickey Mouse or some other Disney character, whether it be their watch or folders. Unlike the guys, they are usually overweight, but seem to carry most of their weight in their legs, right around their ankles. They still subscribe to such lame passe lines as "you go girl!" or some reference to "Who wants to be a millionaire?" or "The Weakest Link." They love following the tabloids, but are usually about two weeks behind the rest of the country. They usually listen to country music, and may wear the white, airbrushed tour shirt they got when they saw Reba MacIntyre in 2001.
Benefits of Friendship: Especially in the case of the girls, they are very nice people. Even if they have weird interests, they will still probably be sincere. The guys may be a bit more hit-miss, but its always nice to be on the good side of someone who probably has a substantial collection of knives. In both cases you are also essentially gauranteed that they will have a car.
Drawbacks of Friendship: The guys' weird odors, the girls' gawky nature, and both genders' inability to "get with it" may prevent the expansion of your social circle. They will be more difficult to include in spur of the moment on-campus activity, and they may often bring their cats with them on movie night, because they "can't be alone without mommy!" Also, that knife thing comes into play here again.
Tomorrow's person is my personal favorite!
That's all for today,
Peace Love and Understanding
When you go away to school, the majority of people are like you, attending a school far enough from home that on or near campus residence is required. However, in at least one of your classes there will undoubtedly be that one kid who lives like 10 minutes from the college. He or she is always just a bit behind everyone else in terms of everything: style of dress, social skills, hygiene, music tastes. This kid can be identified by several factors.
If it is a guy: He always comes in a few minutes after class started, and loudly seats himself in the back of the room. He wears his trademark black jeans with his t-shirt tucked in. The shirt is probably gray, featuring a Nike logo or some long forgotten brand-name, such as Bugle Boy, Jnco Jeans, or Starter. It may also feature the logo for some company that probably makes skateboards but that skateboarders would never buy, and I have only seen at Marshall's or K-Mart. Their shirt may also be black, tucked into plain jeans, featuring images of Slipknot, Korn, or Papa Roach. Their footwear is probably old boots they bought at Wal-Mart that have mud caked on them, and the laces are frayed and hanging all over the place.Their terrible haircut will match this ill-concieved sense of style, probably reflecting their attempt at being "anti-conformist" which would be fine, if it was still 1998. They usually have really weird interests, like rock collecting or an obsession with being a state trooper. They love Family Guy and the "American Pie" Movies, and probably listen to bands like Nickleback or Hinder.
If it's a girl: Instead of coming in late, they are always there extra early, usually the first one in class. She is wearing her jean shorts with the elastic waist band, ankle socks, plain white Avia shoes, and probably one of those weird wolf shirts, or maybe one with kittens or a white horse. They almost always have plain round glasses and usually have their nasty peroxide-dyed hair tied back with a scrunchie. They often laugh loudly and at inappropriate times. They usually have some item on them that features Mickey Mouse or some other Disney character, whether it be their watch or folders. Unlike the guys, they are usually overweight, but seem to carry most of their weight in their legs, right around their ankles. They still subscribe to such lame passe lines as "you go girl!" or some reference to "Who wants to be a millionaire?" or "The Weakest Link." They love following the tabloids, but are usually about two weeks behind the rest of the country. They usually listen to country music, and may wear the white, airbrushed tour shirt they got when they saw Reba MacIntyre in 2001.
Benefits of Friendship: Especially in the case of the girls, they are very nice people. Even if they have weird interests, they will still probably be sincere. The guys may be a bit more hit-miss, but its always nice to be on the good side of someone who probably has a substantial collection of knives. In both cases you are also essentially gauranteed that they will have a car.
Drawbacks of Friendship: The guys' weird odors, the girls' gawky nature, and both genders' inability to "get with it" may prevent the expansion of your social circle. They will be more difficult to include in spur of the moment on-campus activity, and they may often bring their cats with them on movie night, because they "can't be alone without mommy!" Also, that knife thing comes into play here again.
Tomorrow's person is my personal favorite!
That's all for today,
Peace Love and Understanding
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Types of People I Have Met in My Life Part 2: Indie Geeks
2. Indie Geeks:
So, in my last post I discussed Emo Kids, who as we all know are very well...unique. However, in the average college setting, this type of person is far more common. He probably works at the college radio station, or in severe cases, is "too indie" for the radio station. They wear tight t-shirts featuring bands you've never heard of. They hate every band you like, and hate every band they've never heard of. They can like things that other indie geeks like, providing they heard it first.If they do have a radio show, they will never take requests. The problem too, is that they usually have a large social circle, and an oddly attractive girlfriend who you probably long for. If an indie geek likes a band that records and loops white-noise and screaming, the band is not "bad" they are "experimental" and you probably can't appreciate them.
Music they like: Well, unlike Emo Kids, they like music you have never heard of. They probably are currently into the new 7" EP from Splitcoma records, or the online-only release of the new Purtel Refert album.
If you want to win them as a friend, pretend to be really interested in the music or whatever they talk about. Tell them you've never heard of that band or genre or whatever and that you are soooo grateful to them.
Benefits of friendship: There really aren't any. If you are in a friendship with this person, get out now.
Drawbacks of friendship: Be prepared to hear the words "Pitchfork Media" alot. Also, be prepared to hear alot about people and things that have "sold out" and that the person likes "in an ironic way..get it??"
That's all for today kids.
Peace Love and Understanding
So, in my last post I discussed Emo Kids, who as we all know are very well...unique. However, in the average college setting, this type of person is far more common. He probably works at the college radio station, or in severe cases, is "too indie" for the radio station. They wear tight t-shirts featuring bands you've never heard of. They hate every band you like, and hate every band they've never heard of. They can like things that other indie geeks like, providing they heard it first.If they do have a radio show, they will never take requests. The problem too, is that they usually have a large social circle, and an oddly attractive girlfriend who you probably long for. If an indie geek likes a band that records and loops white-noise and screaming, the band is not "bad" they are "experimental" and you probably can't appreciate them.
Music they like: Well, unlike Emo Kids, they like music you have never heard of. They probably are currently into the new 7" EP from Splitcoma records, or the online-only release of the new Purtel Refert album.
If you want to win them as a friend, pretend to be really interested in the music or whatever they talk about. Tell them you've never heard of that band or genre or whatever and that you are soooo grateful to them.
Benefits of friendship: There really aren't any. If you are in a friendship with this person, get out now.
Drawbacks of friendship: Be prepared to hear the words "Pitchfork Media" alot. Also, be prepared to hear alot about people and things that have "sold out" and that the person likes "in an ironic way..get it??"
That's all for today kids.
Peace Love and Understanding
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Types of People I Have Met in My Life Part 1: Emo Kids
In past blog entries, I have written about the types of people you will meet in college or the workplace, but now I present to my readers the types of people you will encounter out and about in your everyday lives. I came across these particular categories in one of Dr. David Thorpe's articles on bad music, and so I would like to share it with you. The following list details the various types of human beings you may meet or choose to befriend in your life. It explains their characteristics, so you can easily identify them, and gives strategies on how valuable they may be as friends.
1. Emo Kids: While we can all conjure up a mental image of a stereotypical Emo kid, with a tight sweater, hair dyed black, tiny jeans, and converse with "deep" lyrics Sharpied on, it can be difficult these days to tell emo kids from any other "alternative" morons. If you ask any of these people their favorite music artists, they will all respond with a list of bands you have never heard of. However, what sets the emo kids apart are their laundry list of bands with complete sentence names, such as "I Die in Agony" or "His Heart Goes Sour" or some nonsense like that.
If your friend claims they like a band that "used to be emo" or listens to several bands that are "kind of emo," or "they are emo-post-hardcore indie pop" then taken as a whole, that person is emo.
If you want to impress them, leave them flattering messages on MySpace, pretend to care about how "tortured" their life is, and be a member of the opposite sex who doesn't judge them. If you do all of these things, an emo kid will be your friend forever, unless you for some inexplicable reason actually try to reach out to them, in which case they get scared off and will never talk to you again, while holing themselves up in a small room.
Benefits of being friends with an emo kid include their willingness to listen to your problems for about 3 minutes before turning the conversation back on themselves, the bad poetry they will write you, and the endless parade of hilarious views and quotes that you can share with your sane friends.
Drawbacks of the friendship are obvious: They are really really really into the terrible music they listen to. With other hipster morons, you will get them to turn off Grizzly Bear and play some David Bowie, but with emo kids, once "Dying in Her Sleep" is done playing, it's right into "He Cuts Me Deep" and "This is My Last Wish."
There are many more parts to this section that will follow shortly.
Be on the lookout, because one of your friends may be like one of these types, or you may be one yourself!
Peace Love and Understanding
1. Emo Kids: While we can all conjure up a mental image of a stereotypical Emo kid, with a tight sweater, hair dyed black, tiny jeans, and converse with "deep" lyrics Sharpied on, it can be difficult these days to tell emo kids from any other "alternative" morons. If you ask any of these people their favorite music artists, they will all respond with a list of bands you have never heard of. However, what sets the emo kids apart are their laundry list of bands with complete sentence names, such as "I Die in Agony" or "His Heart Goes Sour" or some nonsense like that.
If your friend claims they like a band that "used to be emo" or listens to several bands that are "kind of emo," or "they are emo-post-hardcore indie pop" then taken as a whole, that person is emo.
If you want to impress them, leave them flattering messages on MySpace, pretend to care about how "tortured" their life is, and be a member of the opposite sex who doesn't judge them. If you do all of these things, an emo kid will be your friend forever, unless you for some inexplicable reason actually try to reach out to them, in which case they get scared off and will never talk to you again, while holing themselves up in a small room.
Benefits of being friends with an emo kid include their willingness to listen to your problems for about 3 minutes before turning the conversation back on themselves, the bad poetry they will write you, and the endless parade of hilarious views and quotes that you can share with your sane friends.
Drawbacks of the friendship are obvious: They are really really really into the terrible music they listen to. With other hipster morons, you will get them to turn off Grizzly Bear and play some David Bowie, but with emo kids, once "Dying in Her Sleep" is done playing, it's right into "He Cuts Me Deep" and "This is My Last Wish."
There are many more parts to this section that will follow shortly.
Be on the lookout, because one of your friends may be like one of these types, or you may be one yourself!
Peace Love and Understanding
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