Thank You, ABC Family! (but where is Boy Meets World?)

After a long day of classes, I feel like unwinding and getting destressed. I think to myself, "Boy, John, wouldn't it be nice to kick back and watch the TGIF lineup from 1994?" The answer: yes it would be. But how to accomplish such a s feat....I mean, I don't have a time machine or anything. Luckily, the good people at ABC Family, formerly Fox Family Channel (home to such classics as "Big Wolf on Campus," "Kids from Room 402" and "The Zack Files") have provided us the opportunity to enjoy such classics as Full House, Family Matters, and Step by Step. These were all truly landmarks in television, with the story lines being very original and fresh, the dialogue and situations completely realistic, and often featuring cutting edge celebs like "Immature," "Luther Vandross" and "Jesse and the Rippers."

However amazing these shows are, they made a crucial error: dropping BMW from its ever-changing afternoon time-slot. That was certainly a highlight of the line-up.


Speaking of highlights, Highlights magazine kicked mucho ass. From Goofus and Gallant to those people who were made of wood, every issue was a journey to the center of Funtasticness and back.


Jesse and the Rippers will be the focus of tomorrow's blog, by the way, with an in-depth analysis of their impact and influence on music, culture and society.


Today's list is of brand-names that were awesome when I was in 6th grade, but now cost 5 bucks at K-Mart:

• Starter
• Tommy Hilfiger
• Jnco Jeans
  
• Airwalks
• Bugle Boy
• Fila

Peace Love and Understanding

The Dreaded Pre-Super Bowl Week

Well here we are: one week removed from the Super Bowl, in a doldrum of unexciting sports action and political and social inactivity. Spring Training is still weeks away. College basketball won't really heat up for another month or so. This is awful...I am sick of watching the same recycled reports on ESPN about Rex Grossman, Lovie Smith, and Peyton Manning. I am sick of every analyst's opinion being repeated over and over and over. (For the record, Urlacher is the BEST middle linebacker in Bears history....he can cover, rush, and generally intimidate everyone he faces....especially that little prick Reggie Bush. If it wasn't for Deuce, they Saints would not even have 5 wins this season).

The Super Bowl is the best and most exciting event in sports. Even non-football fans enjoy it. So let's cut through this week, close our eyes, and before we know it, it will be time for kickoff, saying goodbye to yet another football season. We can soak in the hyped-up-but-not-very-funny commercials, the overblown announcers, and abysmal halftime show. It is all worth it, but I don't want to suffer through another week of boring sports coverage. After Sunday night, wake me when it's Opening Day...I'll be asleep.


In other thoughts, I honestly hope that the Devil Rays start to win soon. It's sad seeing clips of their home games, and about 300 people in the stands.

For today's list, I am going to choose the most bad-ass football players of the last 20 years:

• Bill Romanowski
• Lyle Alzado
• John Lynch
• John Randall
• Ray Lewis
• Mike Alstott
• Albert Haynesworth
• Mike Singletary
• Brian Moorman*
• Lawrence Taylor
• Lorenzo Neal
• Kyle Turley
• Mark Chmura

*punter...not really hardcore in the longrun, but still sweet as siiiiiin





Peace Love and Understanding

Aerosmith is Terrible and other thoughts

Life is full of routine, and every so often it is nice to have it broken up. However, there is one group of people that make this very hard. No matter what happens around them, they constantly suck. They sucked 30 years ago, and they suck now. They suck with a goat, they suck on a boat. They suck in the sea and suck in a tree. You can set your watch to their suckitude. If anything goes wrong in your life, you can always count on them sucking. Who are these mystery men? It is none other than that group of dinosaurs from Boston, the one the only AEROSMITH!

To start with, all of their miserable generic rock songs sound identical. Their lyrics are all pathetic attempts to be sexy and edgy, and come off as lame label-whores who custom-stitch "raunchy rock" for people who don't know any better. The only songs that are slightly different are their ballads which, surprise, are all written by someone else. They are probably the most over-rated group of hacks still cranking out music, mostly because everyone else in their recording age bracket is dead, or smart enough to hang it up.

The worst thing about them though, is Steven Tyler, the most obnoxious frontman ever. Steven Tyler is not in the music industry as an artist. He’s in it for, as he put it, “The Three M’s: money, music, and mmm… pussy!” Very classy, you flyweight geriatric ghoul. By the way, there is nothing cool about dressing like a homeless transvestite.

Aerosmith making bad rock is bad enough, but at least it was a formula. Then came 2000's "Just Push Play" an awful attempt at a hip, overproduced, "swing-style" dance album. Well, they got the over-produced part right....even up to that obnoxious vocal effect made popular in Cher's "Believe." Appearing on SNL complete with a DJ and synthesized horns section, Aerosmith set a new precedent for what rubbish was accepted as music.


In some other thoughts, good for Tiger Woods for doing his own stunts in that new commercial. Let the guy have some fun.

In three weeks pitchers and catchers report for spring training. It's that great period when I can get really excited about a new season with all the promise of the first winning season since 1997 for the Orioles, before reality sets in 4 months later.

That's all for today. Also, if you ever get a chance to kick someone in the groin, take it. You never know how often you will get that chance in your life.


Today's list (since I am in a creative mood) is phrases assembled by me and my room mate, by each of us yelling a word at the same time and putting them together. Feel free to use them as band names:

• racous clown
• silly semen
• beefy peanut
• spicy nipple
• ugly hooker
• frustrating razor

Peace Love and Understanding

• 
  

I Weigh In On DMB

Many bands have graced this majestic landscape, some discovering the riches of success, even for a fleeting instance, while even more have discovered dismal failure. Every so often, a band or artist will come around and mesmerize an entire generation of loyal followers. Followers who will obey the artists' every command, believing them to be infallable...or as many morons would describe them: "magical."

However, no band has done so little to become so insanely popular as Dave Matthews Band, so much so, that it has become comical (see "Onion" article: 'Dave Matthews not into self anymore').

Not to say that the music is bad...in fact, just the opposite. Yours truly, John Finn, personally loves the songs "Ants Marching," "What Would You Say," and particularly "Crush," which I believe to be one of the finest songs of the last 10 years.

Then what is my issue? Well, maybe it is Matthews' insufferable whining, setting a standard of poor singing that made the Gavin DeGraws of the world think they have been blessed with "heart melting pipes."

Or maybe, it is the fact that DMB is lumped in with such jam-band greats as Phish, The Grateful Dead, or Widespread Panic. Let's set the record straight: DMB is the "Kidz Bop" of jam bands. Take any Dave Matthews fan and plant them at a RatDog show, and they will probably start to cry.

Seriously though, "I Did It" and "Everyday" may be the two worst singles in rock history.

The worst thing about DMB though is that the fact that they are practically worshipped by legions of college girls who think that they are the most sensitive and amazingly brilliant group of musicians every assembled. Just to let you know girls, there are many, many many other musicians named "Dave." Therefore, to refer to Mr. Matthews with the moniker is both ignorant and baffling. What in the world did he do to garner this attention? Drunk sorority girls arrive at his concerts in jeeps, and their daddy's BMWs listening to the latest piece of trash from the Black Eyed Peas or (gasp) Young Jeezy. Covered in head to toe with spray-on tan and cell phone in hand, these sheep gather in hopes of scoring some weed and closing their eyes and swaying as the band stumbles into "The Space Between" or "Crash Into Me."

However, this is not to say that ALL DMB fans are mindless idiots. Many of my close my friends are fans of them. But, it those of you out there who are completely convinced that Mr. David Matthews is the greatest thing to every happen to music, or that he is "magical" that need serious medical help. Please, take my advice. There are hundreds of thousands of other bands out there that I am sure you would enjoy.

So to all 5 of my readers out there, take time to sit down and talk to a friend or loved one who is completely enamored with Matthews or any other member of his band (with the possible exception of that goofy white bass player...no one likes him) and convince them that it is all well and good to enjoy the man's music, but to remember, "everything in moderation---especially lame quasi-jazz influenced semi-jam rock."

PS: In my opinion, Dave Matthews is rock royalty compared to his awful spawns: Teddy Geiger (who I attended high school with), Gavin DeGraw, John Mayer, and others.


For Today's List, I am including MY favorite bands. Please comment on them if you wish. I would love to hear your take, as long as you know what the hell you are talking about:

• Oasis
• Phish
• Grateful Dead
  
• Pavement
• Beastie Boys
• Blur
• Galactic
• New Pornographers
• Mark Mulcahy
• Of Montreal
• The Apples in Stereo

Peace Love and Understanding

Worst Types of Cartoons Ever

Ahh cartoons: the last bastion of great creativity and humor left in this society. right? Well, not as much as one would think. For every "Home Movies" and "Futurama" that tickle your funny bone, there are a handful of others that suck miserably, as completely misguided attempts at humor. Whether it be pathetic "stoner cartoons" like "12 oz. Mouse," horrendous creations consisting of crudely scribbled characters and insanely dry and surreal dialogue full of long pauses and non-sequitors, all of which make no sense at all, and aren't funny except to those stoner kids in your high school Bio class, and the 14-year olds who want to be liked by them.

Then you have your "Family Guy" the Carlos Mencia of the cartoon world, except with stupid references to 80's TV shows and movies. For the record: all you 12 year olds out there: YOU DON'T REMEMBER TRANSFORMERS....hell, they were even before MY time. Family Guy thinks it is offensive and edgey, but it neither of those things. Making penis jokes will only offend the type of people who have no interest in watching the show, and will only be funny to the people watching it. I have nothing left to say about Family Guy that hasn't already been said by South Park.


Therefore, today's list will be my least favorite cartoons ever:

• Family Guy
• 12 oz. Mouse
• Rocket Power
• "new" Rugrats
• anything featuring Mickey Mouse...he isn't funny
• any Anime...its creepy
• Moral Orel
• CatDog
  

Don vs. Mark: Nerf Madness

I haven't too many things that are noteworthy, interesting, or even non-boring. But last night I witnessed a sight that was all of those things. Don Wisnewski, the pride of Central New York challenged Mark "Terrier" Thiell to a fight of Nerf proportions.

Don, armed only with a the lame single-shot Nerf "wussblaster 100" began an agressive attack, countered by Thiell's awesome 6-shot Maverick. The battle raged into the hallway, finally culminating in Wisnewski's holing of Thiell into the bathroom. As Thiell emerged, Newsk erupted like Vesuvias from the doorway, with a newly requisitioned 6-shooter of his own. However, his momentary victory was just that----momentary. Terrier cornerned Newsk, forcing poor Don to cower under a chair. At that moment the battle halted to a stop. Victorn was assured for Terrier that day, ripped from the icy clutched of Donald...but for how long??

In other news, Carlos Mencia sucks. He isn't funny and he isn't really Mexican. He is half Honduran and half German. His last name isn't even Mencia...it's just part of his stupid schtick. O well, at least smart people don't like him, so take solace in that.

Today's list is More things that annoy me:

• Running out of peanut butter and having a ton of jelly
• Stale cheese puffs
• People who claim that SNL has sucked since Jimmy Fallon left
• The Tecmo "Lurch"
• People who describe themselves as "hardcore"
• Puffed Wheat cereal
• Girls who use the word "random" to describe everything and everyone who is the least bit "wacky!! LOL ROFL"
• Artsy kids who go outside to take pictures of mud and snow and squirrels and leaves, as if they are making some sort of artistic statement and being really deep

That's all for today

Peace Love and Understanding

First Day of Class (or, How I Learned to Get Creeped Out By an Old Brazilian Woman)

Well, hey out there to my legion of 3 or more readers out there! Your old pal John just wrapped his first class of the day.

Now you know me...white as Wonder Bread and just as bland, right? Well, I enrolled in the right class....African Literature and Experience.

My professor is an older Brazilian woman who is a self proclaimed "feminist Marxist" who literally believes that every single problem in the world is caused by old fashioned racism. Everything from what TV shows are popular to standardized testing to why Americans like George Washington. All of it is racism. Crazy. She also talked a bit about her menopause which was creepy beyond anyone's imagination.

PS I am getting a puppy this weekend which is wicked rad.

Returning today is the famous daily list.

For today's list, we have the boys names I hope will become popular in the near future:

• Mavis
• Lancelot
• Zordon
• Rodan
• Gladstone
• Rollo
• Tyreek
• Charlieconway (all one word)
• Shredder
• Drexx
• Weasel
• Hurlbut
• Dagget
• Ickus
• Grendel
• Forklift
  

BACK TO SCHOOL

Well, here I am back at school.....schedule looks good, got 2 new suite mates, and I have been thinking about new pranks to play on Lanigan.

Break was pretty rocking...hopefully Shannon doesn't go to jail or anything. Don't worry Shannon, my cousin is a lawyer.

Tomorrow's blog will be in much greater detail and I should have a couple good stories.


Peace Love and Understanding