How To Get a Good Job, pt. 3

So now that you are ready to go, let's prep for that ever-important interview, shall we?

Now, remember: you never get a second chance for a first impression, so it is important to tread lightly at first. The boss will try to engage you in small-talk upon first meeting you. Be careful to thoughtfully and carefully answer each of your future boss's questions, because although they may seem like little wastes of time, they are in fact a stealth way for the boss to discover you many personality flaws and shortcomings!

For example

Boss: "Hey, how are you doing?"

Hmm...why exactly does the boss want to know how you are doing? Red Flag! Is he asking if perhaps you have had a problem with drugs or alcohol, and are now in the process of rehabbing? Does he think you have something to hide?

Since you will at this point want to respond with an answer that displays your intelligence, enthusiasm, and charisma, you should show your boss you are not easily fooled by his trap.

One possible way to respond is:

You: "I stab you DEAD!" (then you lunge at him with a serrated combat knife).


While this does show your charisma and keen intellect, it also shows your boss that you lack basic "people skills." Your intentions were in the right place, but the execution was all wrong!

Let's try it again:


Boss: "Hey, how are you?"

You: "I stab you DEAD" (but you DON'T lunge at him with a knife).

Good, now that the small talk is over, it's time to move on to the body of the interview. Your boss will try to trip you up by finding discrepancies between your resume and real life. Be ready for these traps!

Boss: "So, it says here you went to Harvard..."

You: "YES!! I swear to GOD, I seriously went to Harvard!"

Boss: "umm ok, good, have you--"

You: "For Pete's sake, I really went to Harvard!! Why would I lie about that? The reason you probably couldn't get in touch with any of my references is that they uhhh all went out of town this week! I am serious!!"

Boss: "Ok, that's fine I believe you.."

You: "I FUCKING WENT THERE!!! AHHHHH!!! HARVARD!!"

Now, the boss will believe that you went to Harvard, whether you did or not, due to your savvy smooth-talk. Next, the boss will try to question your motivation and interest in working at his company. You need to mask your real reason that you "need money," and think of ways to show your boss that you have great personality traits and a good work ethic. Show him that you are all about team spirit and so forth.

Boss: "So why do you want to be a part of InterCoreSoft Marketing Strategies?"

You: "I love being on a team! Hurray! I have a can-do attitude that needs to be around other strapping gentlemen who enjoy rolling up their sleeves, getting dirty and doing a hard day's work! Yay friends!"

Boss: "umm ok good.."

You: "Life's troubles are like a rainbow, and there is gold at the end! Yay, life is like a box of yum-yum cookies! Turn that from upsidedown! Shift paradigms! Think outside the box and maximize output!"

Boss: "please get security in here..."

You: "Look, watch watch!!!" (you jump out the window into traffic)

Now that you have thoroughly impressed your boss with all the skills and traits needed in an employee, you can sit back and wait for the job offers to roll in!


Peace, Love and Understanding