Continuing my field guide on monster combat I present three more monsters that you will be even more likely to encounter in your everyday life:
3. Vampires:
Overview: Vampires are immortal denizens of the night that have contracted a vampirous disease from other vampires. They are usually swishing and effeminate, and love calling attention to themselves. Do not be confused however: contrary to popular belief, vampires are very different from Theater majors at a liberal arts school, since Theater majors are often seen in front of mirrors. Vampires crave blood, but unlike their wolf counterparts, they are a bit more subtle in their pursuit of a victim. They often wear mesh tanktops, leather pants or chaps, and a bejeweled codpiece. They are usually quite thing, except the rare Bear Vampire, who is generally quite hairy and portly, and wears leather vests and rubber cowboy boots.
Danger Posed: Modern vampires usually gather in their special vampire clubs for rituals and so forth. Therefore, make sure at night you avoid the vampire district of town, because they will be intoxicated with blood and hunt you down. Fangs to the neck hurt a ton, so you want to wear a steel turtleneck or something like that. There have been many notable vampire hunters in our society over the last twenty years to protect us from this threat, but Congress has since declared the harassment and hunting of vampires as a hate crime.
Defeating Vampires: It is relatively easy to kill a vampire who is attacking you: either cut their head off, or drive a wooden stake through their heart. The only bad side effect is the smoking puddle of goo they will make on the ground. Therefore, make sure you aren't killing vampires on a rug you care about. Another option is to get them into sunlight. to which they are deathly allergic. However, since not all of us can control the sun, this may be less feasible.
4. Giants:
Overview: It is right there in the name: these beings are just plain huge. They are usually about ten times the height and strength of the average humans, except the giants who are about 300 times the size of humans. There are several types of giant: First, there is the misunderstood hill-dweller who steals livestock and destroys property during the night, just trying to survive. Then, there is the elusive Cyclops, and the not so massive but exceedingly aggressive Minotaur. Giants are not often known to eat humans, unless they are starving or really pissed at a village of townsfolk. The reported cases of friendly giants are so few and far-between, that they should be ignored completely...assume that a giant will do you harm if you encounter one.
Danger Posed: They can smash stuff. Also, since the urban sprawl of the later 20th century, the quaint agrarian societies formed by giants have been impeded upon by housing developments and shopping centers, causing giants to become even more aggravated and surly. Law enforcement should therefore shoot anyone over 6-4 that they encounter in the streets.
Defeating Giants: Stalk them to find out their routine and then figure out a time to ambush them. One great thing about being human is the uncanny ability to figure out how to make stuff explode. Therefore, blow something up when the giant least expects it. Make sure to do something with the body, because the hot sun will make that thing stink up the whole countryside.
5. Firemen
Overview: These supposed protectors of our homes and property are actually sorcerers who control the precious gift of fire. Their true faces are hideous, but they cover them with rugged and confident masks. They congregate at "fire departments" where they conduct experiments. They are able to produce flames from their hands and eyes, and walk through walls
Danger Posed: They have infiltrated every facet of our society, and many have taken mates from our human society. While they live their day to day lives often pretending to fight the very fires they create, they are actually working together in some bizarre scheme for world domination. If confronted firemen are prone to react violently by using their powers to attack you. Almost no mortal man could hope to be a match for their deviltry so it is suggested that you either keep your distance or come well prepared.
Defeating Firemen: In an ironic twist, the weapons which will help you defeat a Fireman are the ones that they keep close at hand. High pressure hoses, fire extinguishers, non-flammable foam, and even buckets of water are all very effective weapons when doing battle with a Fireman. Don't believe their lies about being hardworking American heroes either. They'll try to lure you into letting your guard down with pathetic pleas to stop, but the proof is in the smear of bubbling pudding they leave behind after you've banished them back to the netherworld.
Peace Love and Understanding
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
How To Defeat Various Monsters Part 1
In my life I have learned a thing or two about survival. However, the threats of failing classes or dealing with jerks pale in comparison to the threat of crazed monsters. These creatures pose a very imaginary yet real danger. Therefore, I have prepared a field guide in order for you to more readily recognize and defeat a monster attacker.
1. The Werewolf:
Overview: This monster is essentially a man-wolf, the creation of which can vary. It is still unknown how werewolves come to being; whether they have some genetic disease or a simple gypsy curse is still being debated by scientists. But, what we do know is that werewolves become werewolves during a full moon. If someone gets all sweaty and tells you to tie them up because a full moon is coming, you should probably do so.
Danger: Werewolves are really dangerous, and this is a fact. After transformation, they no longer exist in human form, and revert to animal instincts. Therefore, they will essentially eat the closest thing to them that has a pulse. Therefore, if you suspect a friend or neighbor may be a werewolf, it may be a good idea to keep some goats or sheep on hand, just in case. They like goats. A lot.
Defeating Werewolves: The first thing you need to remember when tangling with a werewolf is that as big, strong, and toothy as they may be, they are not really much smarter than your average household pet. One of the easiest ways to frighten them off is by screaming "no!" or "bad!" and menacing them with a rolled up newspaper or shoe. Sometimes the werewolf's common dog sense might be overwhelmed by its need to eat your skull, in which case brute force is the only method that works. Tractors are excellent for driving over werewolves, as are steam rollers and 18 wheelers. Make sure to buy these at the same place you bought the goats. Werewolves can be dodgy so be prepared to use throwing knives or some sort of improvised machete to immobilize them before running them down.
2. Ghosts:
Overview: Most people believe that when we die, we ascend to a bed of clouds, where we feast at banquets at long tables with rock stars and athletes. However, sometimes the dead aren't content doing this. Sometimes they return to Earth and hang out in abandoned houses, emerging from walls when burnout college students come poking around to take "artsy" photographs and/or get high. Ghosts can take on many forms, so it is important to try and track them. However, since tracking devices will merely pass through a ghost's body, you must try to carve something in them with a magic dagger that you must buy from the guy who sold you the goats and steamroller. To trap the ghost, you must make one of those chalked doorways like in that one episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
Danger: Ghosts cause no physical danger, per se, outside of the common instance of people getting spooked by the ghost's wacky antics and running in place while exasperated. They will be a general annoyance to you, causing books to levitate and fly everywhere, as if they own them. They will bleed out of your electrical sockets, causing them to be useless, or making your blender or lights to go on and off, running up your bills. On top of this, if you think it's awkward changing in front of your cat, try doing it with the ghost of an Indian warrior staring at you, pointing at you accusingly while you change.
Defeating Ghosts: Ghosts have no physical presence so they can't be defeated in the traditional sense, but they can be forced to leave your area with a disciplined regimen of ghost one-upmanship. Watch your ghost's behavior and carefully record its various methods of trying to frighten you. Once you feel you have a pretty complete list it's time to start showing the ghost how things are done. If it's levitating furniture then you need to build a device that shoots furniture at high velocity around the room. Does that son of a bitch make the walls ooze blood? Time to hook up some high-pressure pipes to wall spigots and fire massive columns of blood out of the walls! Don't forget about the moaning, a couple crying babies, a staple gun, and a few police megaphones and you have a room of horrors to put even the moaniest ghost to shame. Do these things and any others that would trump your phantasmal friend and before you know it he'll be heading on to greener and less emasculating pastures.
Tomorrow: Vampires, Giants, and more!
Peace Love and Understanding
1. The Werewolf:
Overview: This monster is essentially a man-wolf, the creation of which can vary. It is still unknown how werewolves come to being; whether they have some genetic disease or a simple gypsy curse is still being debated by scientists. But, what we do know is that werewolves become werewolves during a full moon. If someone gets all sweaty and tells you to tie them up because a full moon is coming, you should probably do so.
Danger: Werewolves are really dangerous, and this is a fact. After transformation, they no longer exist in human form, and revert to animal instincts. Therefore, they will essentially eat the closest thing to them that has a pulse. Therefore, if you suspect a friend or neighbor may be a werewolf, it may be a good idea to keep some goats or sheep on hand, just in case. They like goats. A lot.
Defeating Werewolves: The first thing you need to remember when tangling with a werewolf is that as big, strong, and toothy as they may be, they are not really much smarter than your average household pet. One of the easiest ways to frighten them off is by screaming "no!" or "bad!" and menacing them with a rolled up newspaper or shoe. Sometimes the werewolf's common dog sense might be overwhelmed by its need to eat your skull, in which case brute force is the only method that works. Tractors are excellent for driving over werewolves, as are steam rollers and 18 wheelers. Make sure to buy these at the same place you bought the goats. Werewolves can be dodgy so be prepared to use throwing knives or some sort of improvised machete to immobilize them before running them down.
2. Ghosts:
Overview: Most people believe that when we die, we ascend to a bed of clouds, where we feast at banquets at long tables with rock stars and athletes. However, sometimes the dead aren't content doing this. Sometimes they return to Earth and hang out in abandoned houses, emerging from walls when burnout college students come poking around to take "artsy" photographs and/or get high. Ghosts can take on many forms, so it is important to try and track them. However, since tracking devices will merely pass through a ghost's body, you must try to carve something in them with a magic dagger that you must buy from the guy who sold you the goats and steamroller. To trap the ghost, you must make one of those chalked doorways like in that one episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
Danger: Ghosts cause no physical danger, per se, outside of the common instance of people getting spooked by the ghost's wacky antics and running in place while exasperated. They will be a general annoyance to you, causing books to levitate and fly everywhere, as if they own them. They will bleed out of your electrical sockets, causing them to be useless, or making your blender or lights to go on and off, running up your bills. On top of this, if you think it's awkward changing in front of your cat, try doing it with the ghost of an Indian warrior staring at you, pointing at you accusingly while you change.
Defeating Ghosts: Ghosts have no physical presence so they can't be defeated in the traditional sense, but they can be forced to leave your area with a disciplined regimen of ghost one-upmanship. Watch your ghost's behavior and carefully record its various methods of trying to frighten you. Once you feel you have a pretty complete list it's time to start showing the ghost how things are done. If it's levitating furniture then you need to build a device that shoots furniture at high velocity around the room. Does that son of a bitch make the walls ooze blood? Time to hook up some high-pressure pipes to wall spigots and fire massive columns of blood out of the walls! Don't forget about the moaning, a couple crying babies, a staple gun, and a few police megaphones and you have a room of horrors to put even the moaniest ghost to shame. Do these things and any others that would trump your phantasmal friend and before you know it he'll be heading on to greener and less emasculating pastures.
Tomorrow: Vampires, Giants, and more!
Peace Love and Understanding
Friday, November 2, 2007
A Gentleman's Guide to Proper Reactions
I'm sure people are always telling you to look on the "bright side" of life when things go wrong. Whatever this means, it is wrong. Sometimes bad things happen. Actually, MOST times bad things happen. Therefore, the best plan of action is to plan for the "worst case scenario." Anyone who has ever met me knows I often live my life in this fashion, because, heck if the worst doesn't happen, then we are all happy, right? The worst thing someone can do when faced with a precarious situation is to be a big grinning moron, a "Hey Arnold" type, if you will. You know these people: they always have a great solution for every problem, and bad news is never as bad as it seems to them. They live by mottos such as "no worries, friend!" and never seem to get upset even when subjected to some sort of atrocity. They will seemingly be oblivious to your shock and panic at their reaction. Therefore, I have prepared a chart for all of my readers. It details the appropriate pessimistic reaction one should have. Be careful to not fall into the extremes, such as optimism or extreme pessimism.
Situation 1: A friend invites you to their birthday party
Optimist: O boy! There will be cake, and the gift I give will be appreciated by the host, and I will get to talk to some people I haven't seen in ages, wheeeeee!!
Pessimist: This may suck. My friend has that annoying girlfriend who has those bitchy friends, and those lame meathead guys will be there and act like assholes. That one girl I like is gonna be there, and I'm gonna feel real uncomfortable and want to leave. The cake is gonna taste like wool, and probably have gross raspberry filling. My "hilarious" gift now seems really dumb, but it's too late to get something new.
Extreme Pessimist: The cake is gonna be made of glass and maggots, and your friend and his Satanist crew are gonna do all sorts of awful rituals. They are going to murder a hobo and sacrifice him to the demi-gods. I'll be lucky if I leave with both kidneys
Situation 2: Getting Dressed
Optimist: Man I look great! A brand new day, where anything is possible! These new threads might stop traffic, and I know all the girls will totally dig it!
Pessimist: O geez, I look like such a loser. How come I can't ever pull off the look I am going for? I look like I woke up at a bus station. Ugh I better just spray on some Febreeze and get this day underway until I can get back and shower and take a nap.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck! I have the color sense of Helen Keller. My clothes look like they were pried from the corpse of a dead hooker. I can't even get myself to walk out the door. I know cats and dogs will attack me, and people will spit on me. I would kill myself, but I'm pretty sure I'd just screw that up too.
Situation 3: Going to work/class on Monday
Optomist: Alright! I can't wait to tell everyone about my sweet weekend! I have a whole week ahead of me to have fun with my peers and coworkers. I love to be productive! I can't wait to get started on all my new assignments. I wonder what fun stuff I'll learn this week??
Pessimist: Ugh. I am behind on all my work. That weekend went by so fast, I feel like I wasted all of it. Now I have to deal with all these idiots in my class/at work. This sucks, none of my friends ever need to study and they ace everything. I think I lost my book too. I'm gonna fail. I'm probably gonna get mugged tonight walking into town. I can't wait to hear all about what my idiot friends did over their super-awesome weekend
Extreme Pessimist: I'm not even gonna bother. If I don't leave my room, nothing can maim or contuse me. I had a wet-dream about death on Sunday night, only to wake up to Monday's black eyes, staring into my soul.
Situation 4: Asking an attractive woman on a date
Optimist: O wow, that girl is pretty! She might be a bit out of my league, but I think once she sees my fun personality, she will be convinced to go on a date with me. It will be like in one of those awesome Hugh Grant movies! I bet she would appreciate an inexpensive but thoughtful gift. I think we could really hit it off! Even if we don't fall for each other, I bet she could be a great friend!
Pessimist: Wow. That girl is gorgeous. Too bad she would never ever look at me. O no, she's purposely looking away from me. She must have seen me looking. Crap! I am such an idiot. O man, well even if we hung out, I bet she's really dumb and has no personality, then I would be back at square one.
Extreme Pessimist: That girl lives to destroy men! She would lead me on, then give me some awful weird things like leaving a box of worms outside my front door. Then she'll pounce! By then I would have noticed her adam's apple, but it's too late. Ewww the things s/he would do....
Situation 5: Going to a baseball game
Optimist: Peanuts and cracker jack! Hurrah, a great afternoon out for the old national pastime. This is gonna be great. If they lose, it's ok, because we all went together! Maybe I'll catch a foul ball, or get an autograph, wouldn't that be the best?
Pessimist: The tickets are so expensive, and we can never get all of our friends on board to go. Besides, I heard it was supposed to rain today. Our team never wins, we suck. Hopefully Sammy Sosa will be there, and get hit with a foul ball in his stupid face. That is the only way it would be worthwhile. The food is terrible and overpriced, and right after I buy something, I see something else I would rather have, but I just spent 15 bucks on two hot dogs and fries. This sucks.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck. baseball game. I would rather make a notebook of graph paper by hand. The game will probably go into like 10 extra innings, and then we will get harassed by a homeless person. I also heard that terrorists were planning on attacking all baseball stadiums at some time in the next 30 years, so it's best to stay away. The chemicals in the hotdogs give me irritable bowels. I hate large crowds, because a fight might happen, and I will get involved and get a black eye and broken collar bone.
Situation 6: Buying a car
Optimist: I have a nice sensible model lined up. My credit scores are perfect, and I have a distant relative who is friends with a guy at the factory where it was made, so there is no way I am getting ripped off! It's not a Corvette, but it looks nice and can carry my friends! I love going to the dealership, and smelling all the new cars. It's so exciting there, and the salesmen really seem to be enjoying their work! Maybe I'll work with them someday, helping people find the right car for them.
Pessimist: As soon as I get within 50 yards of that dealership, they are gonna be on me like vipers. The sleazy guy named something like Rick or Steven is gonna make me sign over half of my life savings for a piece of crap. I am going to get ripped off.
Extreme Pessimist: Some guy named Keith who is so devoid of scruples, he would sell his own kids to traveling Burmese merchants for a 50 dollar commission, is gonna tackle me and force me to buy a car that has an alternator made of fudge, and when I turn on the air conditioning, wasps will fly out. When I roll down the window, the gas tank explodes, and when you hit the brake, a knife swings wildly from the wheel towards my crotch. I will pay my entire life savings for it, lose my house and family, and die alone and naked.
That's all for today. I hope you know the proper choices you are making in life from now on.
Peace Love and Understanding
Situation 1: A friend invites you to their birthday party
Optimist: O boy! There will be cake, and the gift I give will be appreciated by the host, and I will get to talk to some people I haven't seen in ages, wheeeeee!!
Pessimist: This may suck. My friend has that annoying girlfriend who has those bitchy friends, and those lame meathead guys will be there and act like assholes. That one girl I like is gonna be there, and I'm gonna feel real uncomfortable and want to leave. The cake is gonna taste like wool, and probably have gross raspberry filling. My "hilarious" gift now seems really dumb, but it's too late to get something new.
Extreme Pessimist: The cake is gonna be made of glass and maggots, and your friend and his Satanist crew are gonna do all sorts of awful rituals. They are going to murder a hobo and sacrifice him to the demi-gods. I'll be lucky if I leave with both kidneys
Situation 2: Getting Dressed
Optimist: Man I look great! A brand new day, where anything is possible! These new threads might stop traffic, and I know all the girls will totally dig it!
Pessimist: O geez, I look like such a loser. How come I can't ever pull off the look I am going for? I look like I woke up at a bus station. Ugh I better just spray on some Febreeze and get this day underway until I can get back and shower and take a nap.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck! I have the color sense of Helen Keller. My clothes look like they were pried from the corpse of a dead hooker. I can't even get myself to walk out the door. I know cats and dogs will attack me, and people will spit on me. I would kill myself, but I'm pretty sure I'd just screw that up too.
Situation 3: Going to work/class on Monday
Optomist: Alright! I can't wait to tell everyone about my sweet weekend! I have a whole week ahead of me to have fun with my peers and coworkers. I love to be productive! I can't wait to get started on all my new assignments. I wonder what fun stuff I'll learn this week??
Pessimist: Ugh. I am behind on all my work. That weekend went by so fast, I feel like I wasted all of it. Now I have to deal with all these idiots in my class/at work. This sucks, none of my friends ever need to study and they ace everything. I think I lost my book too. I'm gonna fail. I'm probably gonna get mugged tonight walking into town. I can't wait to hear all about what my idiot friends did over their super-awesome weekend
Extreme Pessimist: I'm not even gonna bother. If I don't leave my room, nothing can maim or contuse me. I had a wet-dream about death on Sunday night, only to wake up to Monday's black eyes, staring into my soul.
Situation 4: Asking an attractive woman on a date
Optimist: O wow, that girl is pretty! She might be a bit out of my league, but I think once she sees my fun personality, she will be convinced to go on a date with me. It will be like in one of those awesome Hugh Grant movies! I bet she would appreciate an inexpensive but thoughtful gift. I think we could really hit it off! Even if we don't fall for each other, I bet she could be a great friend!
Pessimist: Wow. That girl is gorgeous. Too bad she would never ever look at me. O no, she's purposely looking away from me. She must have seen me looking. Crap! I am such an idiot. O man, well even if we hung out, I bet she's really dumb and has no personality, then I would be back at square one.
Extreme Pessimist: That girl lives to destroy men! She would lead me on, then give me some awful weird things like leaving a box of worms outside my front door. Then she'll pounce! By then I would have noticed her adam's apple, but it's too late. Ewww the things s/he would do....
Situation 5: Going to a baseball game
Optimist: Peanuts and cracker jack! Hurrah, a great afternoon out for the old national pastime. This is gonna be great. If they lose, it's ok, because we all went together! Maybe I'll catch a foul ball, or get an autograph, wouldn't that be the best?
Pessimist: The tickets are so expensive, and we can never get all of our friends on board to go. Besides, I heard it was supposed to rain today. Our team never wins, we suck. Hopefully Sammy Sosa will be there, and get hit with a foul ball in his stupid face. That is the only way it would be worthwhile. The food is terrible and overpriced, and right after I buy something, I see something else I would rather have, but I just spent 15 bucks on two hot dogs and fries. This sucks.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck. baseball game. I would rather make a notebook of graph paper by hand. The game will probably go into like 10 extra innings, and then we will get harassed by a homeless person. I also heard that terrorists were planning on attacking all baseball stadiums at some time in the next 30 years, so it's best to stay away. The chemicals in the hotdogs give me irritable bowels. I hate large crowds, because a fight might happen, and I will get involved and get a black eye and broken collar bone.
Situation 6: Buying a car
Optimist: I have a nice sensible model lined up. My credit scores are perfect, and I have a distant relative who is friends with a guy at the factory where it was made, so there is no way I am getting ripped off! It's not a Corvette, but it looks nice and can carry my friends! I love going to the dealership, and smelling all the new cars. It's so exciting there, and the salesmen really seem to be enjoying their work! Maybe I'll work with them someday, helping people find the right car for them.
Pessimist: As soon as I get within 50 yards of that dealership, they are gonna be on me like vipers. The sleazy guy named something like Rick or Steven is gonna make me sign over half of my life savings for a piece of crap. I am going to get ripped off.
Extreme Pessimist: Some guy named Keith who is so devoid of scruples, he would sell his own kids to traveling Burmese merchants for a 50 dollar commission, is gonna tackle me and force me to buy a car that has an alternator made of fudge, and when I turn on the air conditioning, wasps will fly out. When I roll down the window, the gas tank explodes, and when you hit the brake, a knife swings wildly from the wheel towards my crotch. I will pay my entire life savings for it, lose my house and family, and die alone and naked.
That's all for today. I hope you know the proper choices you are making in life from now on.
Peace Love and Understanding
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Types of People I Have Met In My Life Part 4: "Hippie" Kids
4. Hippie Kids
First of all, let me make something very clear: Unless you were born to parents who were hippies or came of age from 1965-1975, you my friend are not a hippie. Merely because you have long hair, wear "earthy" clothes, and like to go see jam bands in concert does not make you a freaking hippie. I fit all of these categories, to be honest, but in moderation: they do not make up my whole life nor do they define who I am. However, there are people who have decided to fit into this faux-hippie model, and they are pathetic human beings. Now let me paint you a picture of these individuals, so you can avoid them in the future:
If it's a guy: He will undoubtedly being decked out in either one of his many old jam band shirts, or flannel. He will be wearing pants that are made from patches of old clothes, or some sort of slacks that have been ripped and shredded. He NEVER wears shoes, unless they are sandals of some sort, and when he is barefoot, he will usually point it out to you. He loves playing frisbee and hackey-sack, and rejects conventional sports. When it comes to musical talent, there is some to go around. However, most "hippies" you will encounter make weak attempts at playing guitar, or instead of actually receiving formal instruction in percussion (like me, for example), they decided that "true rhythm can't be taught," and instead just bang on garbage or really expensive African drums with their eyes closed, as if this will help them "feel" the music better. Guys also will develop a habit of trying to learn really obscure instruments, such as the glockenspiel or sousaphone, then incorporate it into their really shitty bands. Also, they will have terrible long hair that they will constantly be brushing out of their face. They will tell you that they are really into camping and stuff, although the extent of their outdoor experience would be sleeping in the backyard of their parents' house. If you were to put any of them in the wilderness with the stuff they thought they need, they would be crying or dead within the next 3 days.
If it's a girl: They will have awful dreadlocks or braids, and their choice of clothing is atrocious. They will wear tons of wool and north face gear in an attempt to look really outdoorsy. They all wear backpacks with a holder for their Nalgene bottle, which is either filled with water or some sort of terrible organic tea. They often have ugly piercings or tattoos, and smell pretty terrible. They wear ridiculous handbags and purses that look as though they were made by a Peruvian child with epilepsy. If there is a social cause of any sort, they will do it, regardless of what it is: starving children in Africa, too many guns in Australia, illegal chocolate farm in Mongolia, Silo explosion in Gary, Indiana. You name it, they are gonna rally blindly behind it. They also range in attractiveness, from the downright adorable to Medusa.
Music they listen to: Not too much, actually. They will wear all sorts of gear from Phish and the Dead, but probably not own more than the Grateful Dead's Greatest Hits and Farmhouse by Phish. This will not stop them from wearing shirts featuring such bands as: moe., Widespread Panic, Galactic, MMW, Umphree's Mcgee, Disco Biscuits, etc. They will usually say they have "heard some of their stuff but dont actually own any of it." Another great aspect of this group is their supposed love of "enlightened" hip-hop, such as Common, the Roots, Jurassic 5, and Talib Kweli. Once any of these bands perform at a music festival, they are fair game for a "hippie"kid.
Advantages to Friendship: They are generally pretty laid back, and if you are into weed, they will almost certainly have access to some. However, they will usually make a huge deal about it on April 20th, in which they will constantly say they are going to "celebrate" the day, usually while being super "sly" and acting like an idiot. You are almost assured to know more about music or any other subject than them, and they will probably praise you for your "awesome" knowledge. Many "hippie" girls can be very cute, so I guess that is a plus. However, good luck getting her to commit to anything, because "hippies" tend to "space out."
Drawbacks of Friendship: As stated above, they space a lot. They are hopelessly idealistic about everything, usually because they never took the time to actually think things out, and because their idiot "hippie" friends all agree with them. They will try to get you to go to their activist meetings and pretend you care about pandas or organic bananas. If you want to go to a concert, do not rely on these people. They will get real excited to hear that a band is coming near to your location, because although they've never actually heard or seen them, they "hear that band is INCREDIBLE live!" However, they will never ever actually make any kind of effort to obtain tickets, because it is more important to them to make sure you know they are familiar with a band than to follow up on something. They will often get some stupid scheme that involves going to some remote location to take pictures of leaves, and then drag you along.
That's all for today, kids
Peace Love and Understanding
First of all, let me make something very clear: Unless you were born to parents who were hippies or came of age from 1965-1975, you my friend are not a hippie. Merely because you have long hair, wear "earthy" clothes, and like to go see jam bands in concert does not make you a freaking hippie. I fit all of these categories, to be honest, but in moderation: they do not make up my whole life nor do they define who I am. However, there are people who have decided to fit into this faux-hippie model, and they are pathetic human beings. Now let me paint you a picture of these individuals, so you can avoid them in the future:
If it's a guy: He will undoubtedly being decked out in either one of his many old jam band shirts, or flannel. He will be wearing pants that are made from patches of old clothes, or some sort of slacks that have been ripped and shredded. He NEVER wears shoes, unless they are sandals of some sort, and when he is barefoot, he will usually point it out to you. He loves playing frisbee and hackey-sack, and rejects conventional sports. When it comes to musical talent, there is some to go around. However, most "hippies" you will encounter make weak attempts at playing guitar, or instead of actually receiving formal instruction in percussion (like me, for example), they decided that "true rhythm can't be taught," and instead just bang on garbage or really expensive African drums with their eyes closed, as if this will help them "feel" the music better. Guys also will develop a habit of trying to learn really obscure instruments, such as the glockenspiel or sousaphone, then incorporate it into their really shitty bands. Also, they will have terrible long hair that they will constantly be brushing out of their face. They will tell you that they are really into camping and stuff, although the extent of their outdoor experience would be sleeping in the backyard of their parents' house. If you were to put any of them in the wilderness with the stuff they thought they need, they would be crying or dead within the next 3 days.
If it's a girl: They will have awful dreadlocks or braids, and their choice of clothing is atrocious. They will wear tons of wool and north face gear in an attempt to look really outdoorsy. They all wear backpacks with a holder for their Nalgene bottle, which is either filled with water or some sort of terrible organic tea. They often have ugly piercings or tattoos, and smell pretty terrible. They wear ridiculous handbags and purses that look as though they were made by a Peruvian child with epilepsy. If there is a social cause of any sort, they will do it, regardless of what it is: starving children in Africa, too many guns in Australia, illegal chocolate farm in Mongolia, Silo explosion in Gary, Indiana. You name it, they are gonna rally blindly behind it. They also range in attractiveness, from the downright adorable to Medusa.
Music they listen to: Not too much, actually. They will wear all sorts of gear from Phish and the Dead, but probably not own more than the Grateful Dead's Greatest Hits and Farmhouse by Phish. This will not stop them from wearing shirts featuring such bands as: moe., Widespread Panic, Galactic, MMW, Umphree's Mcgee, Disco Biscuits, etc. They will usually say they have "heard some of their stuff but dont actually own any of it." Another great aspect of this group is their supposed love of "enlightened" hip-hop, such as Common, the Roots, Jurassic 5, and Talib Kweli. Once any of these bands perform at a music festival, they are fair game for a "hippie"kid.
Advantages to Friendship: They are generally pretty laid back, and if you are into weed, they will almost certainly have access to some. However, they will usually make a huge deal about it on April 20th, in which they will constantly say they are going to "celebrate" the day, usually while being super "sly" and acting like an idiot. You are almost assured to know more about music or any other subject than them, and they will probably praise you for your "awesome" knowledge. Many "hippie" girls can be very cute, so I guess that is a plus. However, good luck getting her to commit to anything, because "hippies" tend to "space out."
Drawbacks of Friendship: As stated above, they space a lot. They are hopelessly idealistic about everything, usually because they never took the time to actually think things out, and because their idiot "hippie" friends all agree with them. They will try to get you to go to their activist meetings and pretend you care about pandas or organic bananas. If you want to go to a concert, do not rely on these people. They will get real excited to hear that a band is coming near to your location, because although they've never actually heard or seen them, they "hear that band is INCREDIBLE live!" However, they will never ever actually make any kind of effort to obtain tickets, because it is more important to them to make sure you know they are familiar with a band than to follow up on something. They will often get some stupid scheme that involves going to some remote location to take pictures of leaves, and then drag you along.
That's all for today, kids
Peace Love and Understanding
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Types of People I Have Met in My Life Part 3: That One Commuter Kid
3. That One Commuter Kid:
When you go away to school, the majority of people are like you, attending a school far enough from home that on or near campus residence is required. However, in at least one of your classes there will undoubtedly be that one kid who lives like 10 minutes from the college. He or she is always just a bit behind everyone else in terms of everything: style of dress, social skills, hygiene, music tastes. This kid can be identified by several factors.
If it is a guy: He always comes in a few minutes after class started, and loudly seats himself in the back of the room. He wears his trademark black jeans with his t-shirt tucked in. The shirt is probably gray, featuring a Nike logo or some long forgotten brand-name, such as Bugle Boy, Jnco Jeans, or Starter. It may also feature the logo for some company that probably makes skateboards but that skateboarders would never buy, and I have only seen at Marshall's or K-Mart. Their shirt may also be black, tucked into plain jeans, featuring images of Slipknot, Korn, or Papa Roach. Their footwear is probably old boots they bought at Wal-Mart that have mud caked on them, and the laces are frayed and hanging all over the place.Their terrible haircut will match this ill-concieved sense of style, probably reflecting their attempt at being "anti-conformist" which would be fine, if it was still 1998. They usually have really weird interests, like rock collecting or an obsession with being a state trooper. They love Family Guy and the "American Pie" Movies, and probably listen to bands like Nickleback or Hinder.
If it's a girl: Instead of coming in late, they are always there extra early, usually the first one in class. She is wearing her jean shorts with the elastic waist band, ankle socks, plain white Avia shoes, and probably one of those weird wolf shirts, or maybe one with kittens or a white horse. They almost always have plain round glasses and usually have their nasty peroxide-dyed hair tied back with a scrunchie. They often laugh loudly and at inappropriate times. They usually have some item on them that features Mickey Mouse or some other Disney character, whether it be their watch or folders. Unlike the guys, they are usually overweight, but seem to carry most of their weight in their legs, right around their ankles. They still subscribe to such lame passe lines as "you go girl!" or some reference to "Who wants to be a millionaire?" or "The Weakest Link." They love following the tabloids, but are usually about two weeks behind the rest of the country. They usually listen to country music, and may wear the white, airbrushed tour shirt they got when they saw Reba MacIntyre in 2001.
Benefits of Friendship: Especially in the case of the girls, they are very nice people. Even if they have weird interests, they will still probably be sincere. The guys may be a bit more hit-miss, but its always nice to be on the good side of someone who probably has a substantial collection of knives. In both cases you are also essentially gauranteed that they will have a car.
Drawbacks of Friendship: The guys' weird odors, the girls' gawky nature, and both genders' inability to "get with it" may prevent the expansion of your social circle. They will be more difficult to include in spur of the moment on-campus activity, and they may often bring their cats with them on movie night, because they "can't be alone without mommy!" Also, that knife thing comes into play here again.
Tomorrow's person is my personal favorite!
That's all for today,
Peace Love and Understanding
When you go away to school, the majority of people are like you, attending a school far enough from home that on or near campus residence is required. However, in at least one of your classes there will undoubtedly be that one kid who lives like 10 minutes from the college. He or she is always just a bit behind everyone else in terms of everything: style of dress, social skills, hygiene, music tastes. This kid can be identified by several factors.
If it is a guy: He always comes in a few minutes after class started, and loudly seats himself in the back of the room. He wears his trademark black jeans with his t-shirt tucked in. The shirt is probably gray, featuring a Nike logo or some long forgotten brand-name, such as Bugle Boy, Jnco Jeans, or Starter. It may also feature the logo for some company that probably makes skateboards but that skateboarders would never buy, and I have only seen at Marshall's or K-Mart. Their shirt may also be black, tucked into plain jeans, featuring images of Slipknot, Korn, or Papa Roach. Their footwear is probably old boots they bought at Wal-Mart that have mud caked on them, and the laces are frayed and hanging all over the place.Their terrible haircut will match this ill-concieved sense of style, probably reflecting their attempt at being "anti-conformist" which would be fine, if it was still 1998. They usually have really weird interests, like rock collecting or an obsession with being a state trooper. They love Family Guy and the "American Pie" Movies, and probably listen to bands like Nickleback or Hinder.
If it's a girl: Instead of coming in late, they are always there extra early, usually the first one in class. She is wearing her jean shorts with the elastic waist band, ankle socks, plain white Avia shoes, and probably one of those weird wolf shirts, or maybe one with kittens or a white horse. They almost always have plain round glasses and usually have their nasty peroxide-dyed hair tied back with a scrunchie. They often laugh loudly and at inappropriate times. They usually have some item on them that features Mickey Mouse or some other Disney character, whether it be their watch or folders. Unlike the guys, they are usually overweight, but seem to carry most of their weight in their legs, right around their ankles. They still subscribe to such lame passe lines as "you go girl!" or some reference to "Who wants to be a millionaire?" or "The Weakest Link." They love following the tabloids, but are usually about two weeks behind the rest of the country. They usually listen to country music, and may wear the white, airbrushed tour shirt they got when they saw Reba MacIntyre in 2001.
Benefits of Friendship: Especially in the case of the girls, they are very nice people. Even if they have weird interests, they will still probably be sincere. The guys may be a bit more hit-miss, but its always nice to be on the good side of someone who probably has a substantial collection of knives. In both cases you are also essentially gauranteed that they will have a car.
Drawbacks of Friendship: The guys' weird odors, the girls' gawky nature, and both genders' inability to "get with it" may prevent the expansion of your social circle. They will be more difficult to include in spur of the moment on-campus activity, and they may often bring their cats with them on movie night, because they "can't be alone without mommy!" Also, that knife thing comes into play here again.
Tomorrow's person is my personal favorite!
That's all for today,
Peace Love and Understanding
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Types of People I Have Met in My Life Part 2: Indie Geeks
2. Indie Geeks:
So, in my last post I discussed Emo Kids, who as we all know are very well...unique. However, in the average college setting, this type of person is far more common. He probably works at the college radio station, or in severe cases, is "too indie" for the radio station. They wear tight t-shirts featuring bands you've never heard of. They hate every band you like, and hate every band they've never heard of. They can like things that other indie geeks like, providing they heard it first.If they do have a radio show, they will never take requests. The problem too, is that they usually have a large social circle, and an oddly attractive girlfriend who you probably long for. If an indie geek likes a band that records and loops white-noise and screaming, the band is not "bad" they are "experimental" and you probably can't appreciate them.
Music they like: Well, unlike Emo Kids, they like music you have never heard of. They probably are currently into the new 7" EP from Splitcoma records, or the online-only release of the new Purtel Refert album.
If you want to win them as a friend, pretend to be really interested in the music or whatever they talk about. Tell them you've never heard of that band or genre or whatever and that you are soooo grateful to them.
Benefits of friendship: There really aren't any. If you are in a friendship with this person, get out now.
Drawbacks of friendship: Be prepared to hear the words "Pitchfork Media" alot. Also, be prepared to hear alot about people and things that have "sold out" and that the person likes "in an ironic way..get it??"
That's all for today kids.
Peace Love and Understanding
So, in my last post I discussed Emo Kids, who as we all know are very well...unique. However, in the average college setting, this type of person is far more common. He probably works at the college radio station, or in severe cases, is "too indie" for the radio station. They wear tight t-shirts featuring bands you've never heard of. They hate every band you like, and hate every band they've never heard of. They can like things that other indie geeks like, providing they heard it first.If they do have a radio show, they will never take requests. The problem too, is that they usually have a large social circle, and an oddly attractive girlfriend who you probably long for. If an indie geek likes a band that records and loops white-noise and screaming, the band is not "bad" they are "experimental" and you probably can't appreciate them.
Music they like: Well, unlike Emo Kids, they like music you have never heard of. They probably are currently into the new 7" EP from Splitcoma records, or the online-only release of the new Purtel Refert album.
If you want to win them as a friend, pretend to be really interested in the music or whatever they talk about. Tell them you've never heard of that band or genre or whatever and that you are soooo grateful to them.
Benefits of friendship: There really aren't any. If you are in a friendship with this person, get out now.
Drawbacks of friendship: Be prepared to hear the words "Pitchfork Media" alot. Also, be prepared to hear alot about people and things that have "sold out" and that the person likes "in an ironic way..get it??"
That's all for today kids.
Peace Love and Understanding
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Types of People I Have Met in My Life Part 1: Emo Kids
In past blog entries, I have written about the types of people you will meet in college or the workplace, but now I present to my readers the types of people you will encounter out and about in your everyday lives. I came across these particular categories in one of Dr. David Thorpe's articles on bad music, and so I would like to share it with you. The following list details the various types of human beings you may meet or choose to befriend in your life. It explains their characteristics, so you can easily identify them, and gives strategies on how valuable they may be as friends.
1. Emo Kids: While we can all conjure up a mental image of a stereotypical Emo kid, with a tight sweater, hair dyed black, tiny jeans, and converse with "deep" lyrics Sharpied on, it can be difficult these days to tell emo kids from any other "alternative" morons. If you ask any of these people their favorite music artists, they will all respond with a list of bands you have never heard of. However, what sets the emo kids apart are their laundry list of bands with complete sentence names, such as "I Die in Agony" or "His Heart Goes Sour" or some nonsense like that.
If your friend claims they like a band that "used to be emo" or listens to several bands that are "kind of emo," or "they are emo-post-hardcore indie pop" then taken as a whole, that person is emo.
If you want to impress them, leave them flattering messages on MySpace, pretend to care about how "tortured" their life is, and be a member of the opposite sex who doesn't judge them. If you do all of these things, an emo kid will be your friend forever, unless you for some inexplicable reason actually try to reach out to them, in which case they get scared off and will never talk to you again, while holing themselves up in a small room.
Benefits of being friends with an emo kid include their willingness to listen to your problems for about 3 minutes before turning the conversation back on themselves, the bad poetry they will write you, and the endless parade of hilarious views and quotes that you can share with your sane friends.
Drawbacks of the friendship are obvious: They are really really really into the terrible music they listen to. With other hipster morons, you will get them to turn off Grizzly Bear and play some David Bowie, but with emo kids, once "Dying in Her Sleep" is done playing, it's right into "He Cuts Me Deep" and "This is My Last Wish."
There are many more parts to this section that will follow shortly.
Be on the lookout, because one of your friends may be like one of these types, or you may be one yourself!
Peace Love and Understanding
1. Emo Kids: While we can all conjure up a mental image of a stereotypical Emo kid, with a tight sweater, hair dyed black, tiny jeans, and converse with "deep" lyrics Sharpied on, it can be difficult these days to tell emo kids from any other "alternative" morons. If you ask any of these people their favorite music artists, they will all respond with a list of bands you have never heard of. However, what sets the emo kids apart are their laundry list of bands with complete sentence names, such as "I Die in Agony" or "His Heart Goes Sour" or some nonsense like that.
If your friend claims they like a band that "used to be emo" or listens to several bands that are "kind of emo," or "they are emo-post-hardcore indie pop" then taken as a whole, that person is emo.
If you want to impress them, leave them flattering messages on MySpace, pretend to care about how "tortured" their life is, and be a member of the opposite sex who doesn't judge them. If you do all of these things, an emo kid will be your friend forever, unless you for some inexplicable reason actually try to reach out to them, in which case they get scared off and will never talk to you again, while holing themselves up in a small room.
Benefits of being friends with an emo kid include their willingness to listen to your problems for about 3 minutes before turning the conversation back on themselves, the bad poetry they will write you, and the endless parade of hilarious views and quotes that you can share with your sane friends.
Drawbacks of the friendship are obvious: They are really really really into the terrible music they listen to. With other hipster morons, you will get them to turn off Grizzly Bear and play some David Bowie, but with emo kids, once "Dying in Her Sleep" is done playing, it's right into "He Cuts Me Deep" and "This is My Last Wish."
There are many more parts to this section that will follow shortly.
Be on the lookout, because one of your friends may be like one of these types, or you may be one yourself!
Peace Love and Understanding
Friday, September 21, 2007
Regrets!!
So I was thinking today, about all the little things I have regretted doing or not doing in my relatively short lifetime. Therefore I present a list of soul-bearing events from my 20 years on this earth. Therefore, I regret:
Peace Love and Understanding
- Crying at the end of "Milo and Otis" when I was 4 at Mike Oberst's house
- Expecting the new Ninja Turtles movie to be good
- Not buying the Simpsons Arcade Game for 300 dollars in Cape Cod when I was 13
- Not performing "Wild Wild West" at my high school talent show
- Believing Albert Belle was going to be awesome for the Orioles
- Never committing to growing a full beard
- Only getting the Cheesy Gordita Cruch at Taco Bell twice
- Eating at Jim's Steakout on multiple occasions
- Hoping that an attractive female jazz-fusion fan would recognize the Medeski, Martin and Wood symbol on my t-shirt and start a conversation about them
- Assuming that Moonshoes would hold my weight at age 19
- The fact that the picture of me and Peter Frampton from when I met him at the House of Guitars did not have the flash on
- Not seeing Jonathan Coulton at R.I.T.
- Not punching that one guy that time
Peace Love and Understanding
Monday, September 17, 2007
Sailing the High Seas With Captain Big Bear
The high sea I am referring to is actually lake Wanita in the southern tier of New York State, and Capt. Big Bear is not actually a bear, nor is he a ranking official in any sort of naval or marine outfit. Rather, this is the story of how I, at age 13, had some of the strangest 2 hours ever recorded.
It all started at boy scout camp, Camp Gorton, to be exact. It's not too far from Watkins Glen, and is a nice place to have fun outside and enjoy nature, possibly earning some merit badges. Well one of the badges I signed up for was "small boat sailing," in which I would learn how to operate a Sunfish sailboat. Sounds like fun, right? Especially since my friends were taking it with me. Well, the last day of sailing came about and we had to pair up and take our boats out for two hours onto the lake. Unfortunately, my friend Jason had already paired up with my other friend, Tom, leaving me alone. Jason suggested, so as not to appear a complete asshole, that I pair up with "Captain Big Bear"(who will from now on will be referred to as CBB). Now let me tell you a bit about this chap, so you can get a mental picture: he was about 5-10, and closing in on the 250 mark, so not a small man by any means. His head was shaped like a pumpkin, and he had a mop of auburn hair. His nose was round and wide, and he had a big goofy perma-grin on his chubby face. He was ridiculous and incompetant, and though I had never met him before this sailing class, that didn't stop him from telling me bizarre details of his personal life, most of which I assume he was making up.
Anyway, I decided to swallow my pride and take a boat out with him. Things are going reasonably well until we get out to the middle of the lake. Suddenly he starts singing loudly and moving the rudder with the same force and motion of someone trying to sand the bark off of a tree. We veer off course completely, and CBB decides he needs to work the sail as well. The next thing I know, the wind has died down and we are literally stuck in the middle of the lake, just me and CBB. We then started drifting aimlessly, until the wind picked up again, and we we hurdled toward someone's private dock like a stone out of a sling. CBB now begins to yell, asking me if I think any of the cottages along the lake are "porno huts" with "naked lady conventions" inside. Just then, he decides to fiddle with the sail, causing the large metal pole that runs perpendicular to my face to collapse, just as we collide with someone's dock. CBB is beside himself with giddyness, and I could not be more humiliated as Jason and Tom sail by with ease. Finally we made our way back to shore, and I swore I would never see CBB again as long as I lived.
WRONG
2 years later, while hiking with that same group of my boy scout friends, who should we run across in literally the middle of nowhere NYS, but Captain Big Bear!!
And, he remembered me!!! I said to him "hey there, captain big bear!" and he was like "hey buddy!" and he went his way and I went mine.
I have no idea what ever happened to him, but I'm sure he having a grand time being big and living the dream.
Peace Love and Understanding
It all started at boy scout camp, Camp Gorton, to be exact. It's not too far from Watkins Glen, and is a nice place to have fun outside and enjoy nature, possibly earning some merit badges. Well one of the badges I signed up for was "small boat sailing," in which I would learn how to operate a Sunfish sailboat. Sounds like fun, right? Especially since my friends were taking it with me. Well, the last day of sailing came about and we had to pair up and take our boats out for two hours onto the lake. Unfortunately, my friend Jason had already paired up with my other friend, Tom, leaving me alone. Jason suggested, so as not to appear a complete asshole, that I pair up with "Captain Big Bear"(who will from now on will be referred to as CBB). Now let me tell you a bit about this chap, so you can get a mental picture: he was about 5-10, and closing in on the 250 mark, so not a small man by any means. His head was shaped like a pumpkin, and he had a mop of auburn hair. His nose was round and wide, and he had a big goofy perma-grin on his chubby face. He was ridiculous and incompetant, and though I had never met him before this sailing class, that didn't stop him from telling me bizarre details of his personal life, most of which I assume he was making up.
Anyway, I decided to swallow my pride and take a boat out with him. Things are going reasonably well until we get out to the middle of the lake. Suddenly he starts singing loudly and moving the rudder with the same force and motion of someone trying to sand the bark off of a tree. We veer off course completely, and CBB decides he needs to work the sail as well. The next thing I know, the wind has died down and we are literally stuck in the middle of the lake, just me and CBB. We then started drifting aimlessly, until the wind picked up again, and we we hurdled toward someone's private dock like a stone out of a sling. CBB now begins to yell, asking me if I think any of the cottages along the lake are "porno huts" with "naked lady conventions" inside. Just then, he decides to fiddle with the sail, causing the large metal pole that runs perpendicular to my face to collapse, just as we collide with someone's dock. CBB is beside himself with giddyness, and I could not be more humiliated as Jason and Tom sail by with ease. Finally we made our way back to shore, and I swore I would never see CBB again as long as I lived.
WRONG
2 years later, while hiking with that same group of my boy scout friends, who should we run across in literally the middle of nowhere NYS, but Captain Big Bear!!
And, he remembered me!!! I said to him "hey there, captain big bear!" and he was like "hey buddy!" and he went his way and I went mine.
I have no idea what ever happened to him, but I'm sure he having a grand time being big and living the dream.
Peace Love and Understanding
Monday, September 10, 2007
Dumb Things Guys Do
Being a guy, I can't help but notice some behavioral patterns that make us look like a bunch of idiots. I have discussed the things that girls do that drive me crazy, but guys do some stuff that is just as bad.
1. Unnecessary Hugs- Some guys just don't get it. You meet a girl, talk to her a few times, it doesn't mean you are ultra-tight pals. However, some guys feel the need to physically embrace every single female they have ever had a conversation with. The problem here is that first of all, most girls will be creeped out, plain and simple. But more damaging will be your reputation as the "hug guy." You will never be taken seriously by the opposite sex, especially if you are the one constantly standing there with your arms at that awkward half-extension, as if to say, "hey look how adorable I am, please hug me to reaffirm the fact that we know each other." There is nothing wrong with a nice simple arm around the shoulder or better yet, nothing at all. The girl obviously knows who you are, so you don't need a physical sign to prove it. Allow the girl to make the move for physical contact, otherwise you will never rise above "gay-ish friend" status.
2. Pretending To Like Girl Stuff- Before you try to behead me for classifying things as "girl stuff," take a step back. "Grey's Anatomy" is a show geared for women, "The Notebook" is a movie geared for women, and DMB is a band mostly enjoyed by naive college girls. Therefore, if you are a guy, and you show moderate to extreme enthusiasm for these or any similar shows, movies, or music, do yourself a favor and stop immediately, because you are not fooling anyone. Many guys will get excited about "The OC" complete 2nd season dvd, but usually they are doing so to try and impress the girls who also enjoy this particular program. You will end up in the exact same position as the above bullet point. It drives me crazy when guys basically lose their spine over the things they claim to enjoy merely to impress someone. And don't tell me that you actually enjoy these things, because then you are lying to me and yourself.
3. Going All Out With Their Culture- Unless you are from Italy, Ireland, Sweden or wherever, then you have no excuse to rub your nationality in everyone's face. For some reason you never see women plastering themselves with Guinness-related products if they are the least bit Irish, nor do you see them dressing like a greasy idiot if they are Italian. Therefore guys, you don't need to cover your room with anything and everything related to your nationality. It is awesome to be proud of your roots but please, you need to know the bounds of this self-expression.
Thats just the tip of the iceberg, since there is so much more from both sexes that are universally unappealing.
PS I called Jay Gibbons' steroid use years ago, and now it has finally come to be. Way to go, you cheater.
Peace Love and Understanding
1. Unnecessary Hugs- Some guys just don't get it. You meet a girl, talk to her a few times, it doesn't mean you are ultra-tight pals. However, some guys feel the need to physically embrace every single female they have ever had a conversation with. The problem here is that first of all, most girls will be creeped out, plain and simple. But more damaging will be your reputation as the "hug guy." You will never be taken seriously by the opposite sex, especially if you are the one constantly standing there with your arms at that awkward half-extension, as if to say, "hey look how adorable I am, please hug me to reaffirm the fact that we know each other." There is nothing wrong with a nice simple arm around the shoulder or better yet, nothing at all. The girl obviously knows who you are, so you don't need a physical sign to prove it. Allow the girl to make the move for physical contact, otherwise you will never rise above "gay-ish friend" status.
2. Pretending To Like Girl Stuff- Before you try to behead me for classifying things as "girl stuff," take a step back. "Grey's Anatomy" is a show geared for women, "The Notebook" is a movie geared for women, and DMB is a band mostly enjoyed by naive college girls. Therefore, if you are a guy, and you show moderate to extreme enthusiasm for these or any similar shows, movies, or music, do yourself a favor and stop immediately, because you are not fooling anyone. Many guys will get excited about "The OC" complete 2nd season dvd, but usually they are doing so to try and impress the girls who also enjoy this particular program. You will end up in the exact same position as the above bullet point. It drives me crazy when guys basically lose their spine over the things they claim to enjoy merely to impress someone. And don't tell me that you actually enjoy these things, because then you are lying to me and yourself.
3. Going All Out With Their Culture- Unless you are from Italy, Ireland, Sweden or wherever, then you have no excuse to rub your nationality in everyone's face. For some reason you never see women plastering themselves with Guinness-related products if they are the least bit Irish, nor do you see them dressing like a greasy idiot if they are Italian. Therefore guys, you don't need to cover your room with anything and everything related to your nationality. It is awesome to be proud of your roots but please, you need to know the bounds of this self-expression.
Thats just the tip of the iceberg, since there is so much more from both sexes that are universally unappealing.
PS I called Jay Gibbons' steroid use years ago, and now it has finally come to be. Way to go, you cheater.
Peace Love and Understanding
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Annoying Things that Girls Do
So, being a guy, I have noticed that there is a large difference between guys and girls, a shock I know. Nowhere are these differences more pronounced than in the college setting. I'm sure most of you reading this can readily identify the examples I give:
1. Putting a string of initials at the bottom of your AIM profile: Yes we all know you girls have lots of friends and confidants, lots of extra-special people who mean a lot to you. Obviously, in your minds the best way to express this is by listing all of their initials, in some sort of secret code. Not only that, it's always in some loopy-ass font, and God forbid someone turns bitch on you...so long their initials! I am also curious how the decision is made as to who is included. I'm sure that people know who your friends are, and you know who your friends are. I am pretty sure that guys don't need to see their initials in someone's profile to know they are friends.
2. EVERYTHING seems to "equal love": This one drives me crazy. Whether it be the caption for pictures of suitemates together on Facebook, some cryptic shout-out in your AIM profile, or any shitty sign that is put up in your room, somehow they all look like this "308A = love" or "7/23/07 = love" or "T.R., F.P., L.T., E.C. = love." This is absolute nonsense, especially since in many cases the people involved are not even friends, but in the example of say, suitemates, are girls acting like they are best friends with these random individuals and therefore the people have somehow become physical manifestations of love. I'm pretty sure guys don't write things like "2006 intramural floor hockey = love."
3. Many of you don't seem to know exactly how to wear clothes that fit: Is it really that hard to know whether or not you should be wearing a body-clinging tanktop, or a super low-cut shirt? for many of you, the answer is YES. To avoid being mean, let's just say that many of you should dress to flatter your body, not betray it. I don't see most obese dudes wearing half shirts and low-rise jeans. This is because they know that they look RIDICULOUS. Just because clothes are fashionable, doesn't mean they are for everyone. It is embarassing for you and all of your friends to dress in this manner. I am not advocating that all girls need to be stick thin or anything like that. People come in all shapes and sizes, so it is important to know how to dress for your particular size and shape. I wouldn't wear a skin-tight hollister shirt, because I would look disgusting. So, ladies, remember that the next time you attempt to squeeze into clothing made for 12 year olds.
These are just a few examples. Tomorrow I will discuss some of the annoying things that my fellow guys do that piss me off, and embarrass my gender.
Peace Love and Understanding
1. Putting a string of initials at the bottom of your AIM profile: Yes we all know you girls have lots of friends and confidants, lots of extra-special people who mean a lot to you. Obviously, in your minds the best way to express this is by listing all of their initials, in some sort of secret code. Not only that, it's always in some loopy-ass font, and God forbid someone turns bitch on you...so long their initials! I am also curious how the decision is made as to who is included. I'm sure that people know who your friends are, and you know who your friends are. I am pretty sure that guys don't need to see their initials in someone's profile to know they are friends.
2. EVERYTHING seems to "equal love": This one drives me crazy. Whether it be the caption for pictures of suitemates together on Facebook, some cryptic shout-out in your AIM profile, or any shitty sign that is put up in your room, somehow they all look like this "308A = love" or "7/23/07 = love" or "T.R., F.P., L.T., E.C. = love." This is absolute nonsense, especially since in many cases the people involved are not even friends, but in the example of say, suitemates, are girls acting like they are best friends with these random individuals and therefore the people have somehow become physical manifestations of love. I'm pretty sure guys don't write things like "2006 intramural floor hockey = love."
3. Many of you don't seem to know exactly how to wear clothes that fit: Is it really that hard to know whether or not you should be wearing a body-clinging tanktop, or a super low-cut shirt? for many of you, the answer is YES. To avoid being mean, let's just say that many of you should dress to flatter your body, not betray it. I don't see most obese dudes wearing half shirts and low-rise jeans. This is because they know that they look RIDICULOUS. Just because clothes are fashionable, doesn't mean they are for everyone. It is embarassing for you and all of your friends to dress in this manner. I am not advocating that all girls need to be stick thin or anything like that. People come in all shapes and sizes, so it is important to know how to dress for your particular size and shape. I wouldn't wear a skin-tight hollister shirt, because I would look disgusting. So, ladies, remember that the next time you attempt to squeeze into clothing made for 12 year olds.
These are just a few examples. Tomorrow I will discuss some of the annoying things that my fellow guys do that piss me off, and embarrass my gender.
Peace Love and Understanding
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Rookie of the Year TV Show
For those of us lucky enough to have seen "Rookie of the Year" the characters of George and Clark became symbols of awesomeness. If you have not seen the movie, you will have no idea what this post is about. For those of you who have, you are about to read my proposed pilot episode for a spin-off show starring George and Clark after the movie is over.
So here is the premise of the Adventures of George and Clark, please respond.
Scene: The woods where the boys work of the boat. In the film, George obviously was the Alpha-Male, and he stepped on Clark's ideas a lot. Clark is fed up.
George: Clark, where is the boat? did someone steal it?
Clark: No, George
George: What? then where is it??
Clark: I sank it, actually
George: What?? we spent months working on that boat!! what is wrong with you??
Clark: I have had enough, George. You almost ruined our friendship with Henry, alsmot ruined his chances of getting with Becky Franker, who is now in the hospital with butt cancer. Nice job, jerk. And you know what else? you treat me like garbage. You step on everything I have to say.
George (fuming): I swear to God, Clark--
Clark: Oh,threats again, George? hahaha..I don't think you will ever make fun of my stringy, girlish hair again. I don't think you will make fun of my ugly snaggle tooth, or my complete lack of baseball talent. I don't think you will ever make fun of my dad for being a barrel maker, more commonly known as a cooper. This is it, George. things are going to change.
George: Cut the crap, Clark. get into that pond and swim to the bottom, and I want to you to bring the boat back, piece by piece. I am not messing around this time, Flark. yeah that's right. I called you Flark. And if you don't like it, I have ways of making you.
Clark: haha, oh, not this time, George. (pulls out gun)
George: you can't hurt steel (flexes)
Clark: strike three george...you're out (shoots him).
(the song "Dreamweaver" begins to play. Montage begins, featuring George playing pranks on Clark, like making him hit himself, giving him swirlies, laughing at the burial of Clark's pet goldfish, filling his locker with medical waste, and covering Clark's bedroom with mayonaise. when the montage ends, George stands up, apparantly the bullet had missed.)
George: hey man. we need to combine our insecurities and general mediocrity in a mediocre movie, and use it for good. Remember Jack, Henry's Mom's old boyfriend? Let's set his house on fire!
Clark: Sure, George! sounds like a plan...buddy!
(they high-five. Cut to Jack's house burning, and George and Clark running away in a comical fashion, with the Rookie of the Year song playing).
The end.
Peace Love and Understanding
So here is the premise of the Adventures of George and Clark, please respond.
Scene: The woods where the boys work of the boat. In the film, George obviously was the Alpha-Male, and he stepped on Clark's ideas a lot. Clark is fed up.
George: Clark, where is the boat? did someone steal it?
Clark: No, George
George: What? then where is it??
Clark: I sank it, actually
George: What?? we spent months working on that boat!! what is wrong with you??
Clark: I have had enough, George. You almost ruined our friendship with Henry, alsmot ruined his chances of getting with Becky Franker, who is now in the hospital with butt cancer. Nice job, jerk. And you know what else? you treat me like garbage. You step on everything I have to say.
George (fuming): I swear to God, Clark--
Clark: Oh,threats again, George? hahaha..I don't think you will ever make fun of my stringy, girlish hair again. I don't think you will make fun of my ugly snaggle tooth, or my complete lack of baseball talent. I don't think you will ever make fun of my dad for being a barrel maker, more commonly known as a cooper. This is it, George. things are going to change.
George: Cut the crap, Clark. get into that pond and swim to the bottom, and I want to you to bring the boat back, piece by piece. I am not messing around this time, Flark. yeah that's right. I called you Flark. And if you don't like it, I have ways of making you.
Clark: haha, oh, not this time, George. (pulls out gun)
George: you can't hurt steel (flexes)
Clark: strike three george...you're out (shoots him).
(the song "Dreamweaver" begins to play. Montage begins, featuring George playing pranks on Clark, like making him hit himself, giving him swirlies, laughing at the burial of Clark's pet goldfish, filling his locker with medical waste, and covering Clark's bedroom with mayonaise. when the montage ends, George stands up, apparantly the bullet had missed.)
George: hey man. we need to combine our insecurities and general mediocrity in a mediocre movie, and use it for good. Remember Jack, Henry's Mom's old boyfriend? Let's set his house on fire!
Clark: Sure, George! sounds like a plan...buddy!
(they high-five. Cut to Jack's house burning, and George and Clark running away in a comical fashion, with the Rookie of the Year song playing).
The end.
Peace Love and Understanding
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Back at School/ Summer is Over
So here I am, back at Geneseo finally updating my blog for all 4 of my readers.
It is nice to be back, especially since this summer was a bit on the lame side. My co-workers this year were mostly lame, either self-important blow-hards, bland losers, or a mix of the two. Only a handful were any fun at all. On top of that, the summer started with me choking on a piece of cottonwood and almost dying. Anyway I am back at school after the host of well-meaning goodbyes from co-workers who say hilarious things like "O Yeah I'll definitely come visit! Whooo road trip!" Well, I'll believe that when I see it folks. Regardless it is very exciting to be back at school, and if people did come visit that would be even better.
Have a good year, kids
next post is of my proposed TV show based on the movie "Rookie of the Year"
Peace Love and Understanding
It is nice to be back, especially since this summer was a bit on the lame side. My co-workers this year were mostly lame, either self-important blow-hards, bland losers, or a mix of the two. Only a handful were any fun at all. On top of that, the summer started with me choking on a piece of cottonwood and almost dying. Anyway I am back at school after the host of well-meaning goodbyes from co-workers who say hilarious things like "O Yeah I'll definitely come visit! Whooo road trip!" Well, I'll believe that when I see it folks. Regardless it is very exciting to be back at school, and if people did come visit that would be even better.
Have a good year, kids
next post is of my proposed TV show based on the movie "Rookie of the Year"
Peace Love and Understanding
Friday, April 27, 2007
College Survival
So as the school year draws to a close, I decided I would share my fictional college survival guide with you all. There are many important lessons I have learned while enrolled here and at my previous college, Canisius. So if you are planning on attending college, currently attend college, or have already, this is a guide for you so you can either improve your life or see what mistakes you made:
Second Base: Short verbal communication / acknowledgement of your presence ("hey", "what's up", "uhhhhhhh hi" etc etc).
Third Base: Maintaining a steady conversation that lasts up to a sentence.
Home Run: Holding an entire conversation of a paragraph or more without obviously staring at her breasts. If this is not possible, at least try to keep from grabbing them,pretending to juggle them, or telling her what you have already named them.
If you made it to third base already, aim for that homer, kids! Make sure to let everyone know if you keep hitting "homers" and who you are hitting them with; everyone likes to know that because as a sweet college dude, it is your right to tell them.
Peace Love and Understanding.
- First and foremost, arrange your classes in the most random and haphazard way possible. For instance, give yourself four-hour long breaks between classes. Have a class at 6 am and one at 9 pm. Make sure your schedule takes up most of your day so you have less time for studying. The less time you spend studying, the more time you can spend partying! Partying is the most important thing about college anyway, right? You have seen all of those amusing shirts at Spencer's, they all have some amusing reference to being really drunk. You need to be part of that scene. It's simple logic like this that helps so many freshmen through their first year, and singlehandedly keeps the liquor industry in business.
- Attend all your classes the first few sessions, then skip almost all the rest (you get most of your information within the first few days). The only exception to this rule is your English class, which you should attend religiously every day. Trust me, as an English major this is a must. Most English teachers have an innate ability to detect your presence, and your grades are largely based on your participation and if he / she / it likes you. Don't bother showing up to any math, science or history classes, because even if your teacher does notice you, there's no way you can get any grade higher than a "D" unless you're Asian or some kind of magic robot.
- If you are trying to get lucky and attempting to meet someone of the opposite sex, that's good too! If you are a sweet dude, you should have no problem charming a nice younfg lass, especially if you met her on Facebook. However, you should know that the "rules" have changed during your transition to college. Here is how to tell if you "scored" so you can make sure to give your buddies a full report:
Second Base: Short verbal communication / acknowledgement of your presence ("hey", "what's up", "uhhhhhhh hi" etc etc).
Third Base: Maintaining a steady conversation that lasts up to a sentence.
Home Run: Holding an entire conversation of a paragraph or more without obviously staring at her breasts. If this is not possible, at least try to keep from grabbing them,pretending to juggle them, or telling her what you have already named them.
If you made it to third base already, aim for that homer, kids! Make sure to let everyone know if you keep hitting "homers" and who you are hitting them with; everyone likes to know that because as a sweet college dude, it is your right to tell them.
- A good way to meet girls is by asking them if they want to join your "study group" to prepare for an upcoming test. Try to make jokes relating to your subject when you're studying, so they can see just how witty and clever you are. If you're studying Bio, History or Art, sing them a funny song by They Might Be Giants in an exaggerated manner. Or, you can make a hilarious joke like: "That Louie Pastuer sure was one crazy mother fucker." It will be so ironic and random. LOL. ROFL.
- Smoking weed makes you super sweet, as does riding a motorcycle with no helmet and evading taxes. Remember all of those things when trying to fit in. Also, on 4/20, make sure you act sneaky in a really deliberate manner and say things like "MUNCHIES" real loud, and talk about "celebrating" the more obviously-discreet, the better.
- Since you are a college student, you will be expected to drink, or else you suck, obviously. Therefore, there are logical steps to take and things to know about this:
- Start with wine coolers or fruity drinks such as "RazzDango Slice" or "Turbo Bulldog's 100% Strawberry Liquor" or "Scotch." These will be given to you at the first party of the year which will be thrown by the "super cool" freshman who totally does his own thing.
- Beer will come next. This is when you drink with your dope-ass crew of boyz. They will totally score you some brewskies. However, there are different varieties of beer you need to be aware of the different types so you can be like "o man! I am gonna get so wasted on this cheap shit! Or haha hey man I being classy with Beer X." There is expensive beer, made from barley and glaciers. This will usually have a name like "Uberbrau", or "St. MaGonagal's Irish Olde Tyme Brau." Then there is cheap beer made from crabgrass and goat urine. This will have a name like "Red Dog" or "Old 98 Ice." If you are totally all about getting crazy, drink this.
- Then there will be hard liquor, which you should always drink straight from the bottle and make sure to tell people how much you have had and laugh a lot. You can also put it in a bottle of pop, because just drinking pop is totally gay-ass, and you are a huge pussy if you don't put rum in your diet pepsi. Also make sure to let everyone know that you aren't just drinking pop...you don't want them thinking less of you.
- Make sure to drink a ton of Guiness if you are irish, part irish, or have ever met anyone who is irish. Also let all of your friends know you are drinking Guiness, and that it "totally tastes better than other beers" and tell them it is because you are Irish and it the drink of your people. if they ask why exactly it tastes better, ignore them, because they are totally lame and queer.
Peace Love and Understanding.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The Worst Cliches in Comedies
We all love movies. We spend billions each year to see those glorious moving pictures up on that big screen. And perhaps the most popular variety is the good old fashioned comedy film. Designed to make us laugh, or so they say. Many comedies are not funny for a very good reason: the writers are incredibly lazy and would rather recycle easy material rather than think of actual funny jokes. I present now the list of the cliches in comedies that make them automatically unfunny; the moments that make you immediately wretch in disgust.
Moment 1: A character careens across screen on a skateboard or something of that nature. They slam into a wall and fall to the ground. Then, with their last bit of strength, they reach back up and say the most hackneyed line ever committed to film: "I'm Okay..." then they fall to ground comically. This is unbearably funny, in fact it is literally the most unfunny thing you can possibly put in a movie. First off, as someone who has personally experienced a head injury, the last thing you want to do is humorously quip at how you are feeling, unless it's "O, God!! ahhhhhhh!!!!" Yes, this is awful and unfunny in every way, and the problem is, it is used constantly in films and tv shows, proving how incredibly lazy the writers actually are.
Moment 2: In any Disney sports movie, there will be a various cast of characters, among them a fat guy or kid. This character will apparantly be completely unaware of/ revel in their fatness. The only thing these characters seem to enjoy doing is being unqualified to play their particular sport, and also eat a lot. However, the defining trait of these obese athletes is their powerful flatulence. The character will fart in the most loud and artificial sounding manner, sounding more akin to someone with a mouth full of marshmallows playing a trumpet than actual gas. Also, these farts apparantly smell terrible, because they often cause opposing players to pass out in an exaggerated fashion, generally falling straight backwards. The fat person usually also has a funny last name that can be groaned in a sing-songy two-syllable pattern, (ie, GOLD-BERG!!)
Moment 3: This moment is when a character, usually a student becomes confused about something and takes part in this gem of a comedic sequence: The character will be confronted with a potentially perplexing scenario, a paradox if you will. He will then say something to the effect of "But he....but you...but they..." and then pass out in an incredibly exaggerated manner, with all of their papers and pens, etc. flying up in the air with the viewers seeing only their feet. Connected to moments 1 and 2, this has been discussed as one of the worst offenders on the list because of the longevity. This "gag" has been used going back to the early silent comedies of the 1910's. It still never fails to make me blush out of embarassment for the viewer, director, writer, and actor who think that it was a good idea to put in the film.
Okay, I am tired, but 3 more will appear tomorrow, and then 3 more the day after, etc. until I run out of stuff
Peace Love and Understanding
Moment 1: A character careens across screen on a skateboard or something of that nature. They slam into a wall and fall to the ground. Then, with their last bit of strength, they reach back up and say the most hackneyed line ever committed to film: "I'm Okay..." then they fall to ground comically. This is unbearably funny, in fact it is literally the most unfunny thing you can possibly put in a movie. First off, as someone who has personally experienced a head injury, the last thing you want to do is humorously quip at how you are feeling, unless it's "O, God!! ahhhhhhh!!!!" Yes, this is awful and unfunny in every way, and the problem is, it is used constantly in films and tv shows, proving how incredibly lazy the writers actually are.
Moment 2: In any Disney sports movie, there will be a various cast of characters, among them a fat guy or kid. This character will apparantly be completely unaware of/ revel in their fatness. The only thing these characters seem to enjoy doing is being unqualified to play their particular sport, and also eat a lot. However, the defining trait of these obese athletes is their powerful flatulence. The character will fart in the most loud and artificial sounding manner, sounding more akin to someone with a mouth full of marshmallows playing a trumpet than actual gas. Also, these farts apparantly smell terrible, because they often cause opposing players to pass out in an exaggerated fashion, generally falling straight backwards. The fat person usually also has a funny last name that can be groaned in a sing-songy two-syllable pattern, (ie, GOLD-BERG!!)
Moment 3: This moment is when a character, usually a student becomes confused about something and takes part in this gem of a comedic sequence: The character will be confronted with a potentially perplexing scenario, a paradox if you will. He will then say something to the effect of "But he....but you...but they..." and then pass out in an incredibly exaggerated manner, with all of their papers and pens, etc. flying up in the air with the viewers seeing only their feet. Connected to moments 1 and 2, this has been discussed as one of the worst offenders on the list because of the longevity. This "gag" has been used going back to the early silent comedies of the 1910's. It still never fails to make me blush out of embarassment for the viewer, director, writer, and actor who think that it was a good idea to put in the film.
Okay, I am tired, but 3 more will appear tomorrow, and then 3 more the day after, etc. until I run out of stuff
Peace Love and Understanding
Monday, March 26, 2007
Embarassing Situations/ Awkward Moments
Ok so we are all human right? What does that expression mean? Well, essentially it is a cover-all when we do something stupid...who can argue with that logic? I am human, therefore I have license to screw-up at times. So here are some situations that are without a doubt the most embarassing you can get into in everyday life. Obviously there are more embarassing things that could happen, like say, "crapping one's pants in front of a national audience on a game show" but things like that aren't exactly "everyday" in nature. Therefore, these examples are things that could easily happen to you tomorrow, today, or even 5 minutes from now.
Situation 1: A waiter says "enjoy your meal" and you say "you too"
This is not limited to just waiters. This scenario can be applied to an usher saying "enjoy the film" to you at the movies. This embarassing exchange is probably the most common embarassing moments in all of human interaction. The reason is simple: We are so conditioned to respond politely when someone tells us to have a nice day or enjoy the weather, etc. So really, the problem is that we are polite without exactly knowing why. Your best bet in this situation is to ignore it, because clearly you are not the first person in the history of the world to do this. Rest assured your waiter or usher has heard this about 50 times that day before you came his way. A friend of mine suggested that there is no reason to get embarassed because the waiter will undoubtedly eat a meal in the neat future, and the usher will probably see a movie sometime soon. Therefore it really is not that stupid of a thing to say.
Situation 2: You lean back in your chair and either nearly fall or do fall but jump out before nailing your head on the ground.
Yes, it is a relaxing feeling to lean back in your chair, whether it be a plastic molded cafeteria style chair, a desk chair, or a simple metal folding chair, it is a great feeling of euphoria. However, sometimes gravity kicks in, and you find yourself flailing your arms to keep from falling backwards. Sometimes the chair gives out, but you bail just in time. Either way, you look like an idiot in front of whoever is around. Chair-leaning is a very "cool" thing to do, and if you can't pull it off, well you just suck. The solution is this: DO NOT yell at the chair, saying it is broken, because well, no one yells at furniture, you just look like a bigger idiot. Also, do not fake injury because after the fact no one will trust you. Your best bet is to go with the flow. Pick your chair back up, make sure it is secure, and say something like, "let's try this again." If you have a smile on your face, you will only receive a smattering of snickers, nothing more.
Situation 3: You are faced with an "ethnic" handshake and awkwardly try to seem cool, but end up looking like you are feably trying to fight them and embarass your entire race.
This one is not so easy. Since we all know that white people are the lamest race, we don't have a whole lot of breathing room to make social faux-pas. The standard white-guy handshake is a simple firm grasping of hands, with one, maybe two pumps, usually while maintaining eye contact. But now, you are faced with an open palm being held at a 45-degree angle. What do you do? Often times, you awkwardly grad at their hand or wrist area, then try to pull them forward in a lame "guy-hug." If this happens to you, you may become terrified of appearing square or racist. The key is, do something quickly. The worst thing you can do is hesitate and play it off like "o geez I am so white, I don't know what to do!" this only hurts you in the long run. You know whiteys are lame, so don't go around spreading the news. Act in a fashion that says, "I've been here before." Take action, any action, because after all, a handshake is the ultimate test of machismo, so don't let down your race and gender in this situation. If we are to believe that all races and genders are equal, then the key is to do your thing with complete confidence.
The Final Situation: You call your teacher "mom"
Often called the "Doomsday Scenario," this is perhaps the most embarassing situation a child or teen can ever find themselves in. First off, you make a malaprop, which in itself is funny. But to compound this, the malaprop involves your teacher. Even funnier, because nothing is more uncool than your teacher, unless your teacher is Mr. Turner. Finally, the malaprop involves relating your teacher to your own mother. The only thing lamer than being down with your teacher is being down with you parents, especially your mom. Therefore several conclusions can be drawn from this situation: a.You love your teacher the way you love your mom; b.Your mom teaches you things at home that you desperately need help with; or c. Both. Therefore, NEVER try to stretch the word "mom" into another word like "Mommmmtana" or "Mommmumental," because undoubtedly the room will have fallen silent on the exact second that your blunder occured. Your peers have within a split second gauged how hard they will laugh at you, and the decided on "very." DO NOT play it off as a joke either, because your classmates are not idiots, and will only laugh harder. In fact, your teacher will probably laugh at you too. Your only option is to put your head down and accept your embarassment. Unfortunately, awkwardness experts have not yet developed a solution to this terrible scenario. Just swallow your pride, take it like a man and accept the fact that you made a terrible slip of the tongue, because your only other option would be to literally crawl into a hole and die.
Well, I hope that these guidelines will help you in the future. I would like to thank Something Awful for providing some of my material and to my friends for provding awkward moments/
Peace Love and Understanding
Situation 1: A waiter says "enjoy your meal" and you say "you too"
This is not limited to just waiters. This scenario can be applied to an usher saying "enjoy the film" to you at the movies. This embarassing exchange is probably the most common embarassing moments in all of human interaction. The reason is simple: We are so conditioned to respond politely when someone tells us to have a nice day or enjoy the weather, etc. So really, the problem is that we are polite without exactly knowing why. Your best bet in this situation is to ignore it, because clearly you are not the first person in the history of the world to do this. Rest assured your waiter or usher has heard this about 50 times that day before you came his way. A friend of mine suggested that there is no reason to get embarassed because the waiter will undoubtedly eat a meal in the neat future, and the usher will probably see a movie sometime soon. Therefore it really is not that stupid of a thing to say.
Situation 2: You lean back in your chair and either nearly fall or do fall but jump out before nailing your head on the ground.
Yes, it is a relaxing feeling to lean back in your chair, whether it be a plastic molded cafeteria style chair, a desk chair, or a simple metal folding chair, it is a great feeling of euphoria. However, sometimes gravity kicks in, and you find yourself flailing your arms to keep from falling backwards. Sometimes the chair gives out, but you bail just in time. Either way, you look like an idiot in front of whoever is around. Chair-leaning is a very "cool" thing to do, and if you can't pull it off, well you just suck. The solution is this: DO NOT yell at the chair, saying it is broken, because well, no one yells at furniture, you just look like a bigger idiot. Also, do not fake injury because after the fact no one will trust you. Your best bet is to go with the flow. Pick your chair back up, make sure it is secure, and say something like, "let's try this again." If you have a smile on your face, you will only receive a smattering of snickers, nothing more.
Situation 3: You are faced with an "ethnic" handshake and awkwardly try to seem cool, but end up looking like you are feably trying to fight them and embarass your entire race.
This one is not so easy. Since we all know that white people are the lamest race, we don't have a whole lot of breathing room to make social faux-pas. The standard white-guy handshake is a simple firm grasping of hands, with one, maybe two pumps, usually while maintaining eye contact. But now, you are faced with an open palm being held at a 45-degree angle. What do you do? Often times, you awkwardly grad at their hand or wrist area, then try to pull them forward in a lame "guy-hug." If this happens to you, you may become terrified of appearing square or racist. The key is, do something quickly. The worst thing you can do is hesitate and play it off like "o geez I am so white, I don't know what to do!" this only hurts you in the long run. You know whiteys are lame, so don't go around spreading the news. Act in a fashion that says, "I've been here before." Take action, any action, because after all, a handshake is the ultimate test of machismo, so don't let down your race and gender in this situation. If we are to believe that all races and genders are equal, then the key is to do your thing with complete confidence.
The Final Situation: You call your teacher "mom"
Often called the "Doomsday Scenario," this is perhaps the most embarassing situation a child or teen can ever find themselves in. First off, you make a malaprop, which in itself is funny. But to compound this, the malaprop involves your teacher. Even funnier, because nothing is more uncool than your teacher, unless your teacher is Mr. Turner. Finally, the malaprop involves relating your teacher to your own mother. The only thing lamer than being down with your teacher is being down with you parents, especially your mom. Therefore several conclusions can be drawn from this situation: a.You love your teacher the way you love your mom; b.Your mom teaches you things at home that you desperately need help with; or c. Both. Therefore, NEVER try to stretch the word "mom" into another word like "Mommmmtana" or "Mommmumental," because undoubtedly the room will have fallen silent on the exact second that your blunder occured. Your peers have within a split second gauged how hard they will laugh at you, and the decided on "very." DO NOT play it off as a joke either, because your classmates are not idiots, and will only laugh harder. In fact, your teacher will probably laugh at you too. Your only option is to put your head down and accept your embarassment. Unfortunately, awkwardness experts have not yet developed a solution to this terrible scenario. Just swallow your pride, take it like a man and accept the fact that you made a terrible slip of the tongue, because your only other option would be to literally crawl into a hole and die.
Well, I hope that these guidelines will help you in the future. I would like to thank Something Awful for providing some of my material and to my friends for provding awkward moments/
Peace Love and Understanding
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Female Voices...Let's Be More Original, Please
So, after the last few years I have become exposed to a wide range of musical genres and styles. However, after all this time I am convinced that female singers feel they need to fit a mold of singing style. Therefore, I have classified the different styles of female singing that you may encounter in your listening:
To start we present:
The Reedy Indie Voice: this voice is associated with those indie singers who feel totally worthwhile because they don't act like that slut Christina Aguilera. These women rely on very breathy, thin voices to deliver poetic lyrics over either soothingly melodic indie tunes, or self-consciously angular and non-cohesive pieces. Some examples of this voice include:
1. The chick from Camera Obscura
2. The chick from Bishop Allen
3. Regina Spektor (I don't know if the spelling is right, and I don't care)
4. Neko Case
5. That Hillary woman from Apples in Stereo
6. The chick from Aberdeen
7. Jennifer O'Connor
8. The singer from Dressy Bessy
9. Both members of Veruca Salt
10. Kim Deal
Next up we have:
The Thin, Reedy, Pop Star Voice: To fit this category, you must have your own voice dubbed several times on your recordings to make up for the fact that it isn't powerful at all. You mostly breathe your lyrics rather than sing them. You concentrate more on dancing than anything else, and what makes things worse is that millions of girls across the country model themselves after you and appear on American Idol. This has led to a nationwide watering-down of talent and threatens to make actual talent obsolete. If you are one of these singers, you have set the bar super low in the music world.
Here are some examples:
1. Britney Spears
2. any woman from the last 3 seasons of American Idol
3. Jessica Simpson
4. Nelly Furtado (who used to be cool...remember "I'm like a bird" ?)
5. members of all-girl a capella groups
6. That chick from Len
7. The Spice Girls
8. 98% of anyone you hear on the radio
The "Look at how powerful my voice is because I riff on every note I sing" voice:
The other 2% of radio women make up this category. This is the opposite end of the spectrum, where girls say to themselves, ok, I will overcompensate and when I sing, I wil stretch every note I sing to every end of the range of hearing, back again, and wrapped around and through the hole. Then they do that stupid thing where they close their eyes, lean back and move their hand around with the notes. Please, just sing the notes that fit the music and soforth. Some examples of these divas include:
1. Beyonce Knowles. (Yes she has a last name, idiot...everyone has a last name. It seems as though the record company made you forget that part)
2. Mariah Carey
3. Any black women on American Idol
4. Christina Aguilera, when she takes a break from being a slut that offends all of my senses
Now let's look at some voices that are original. This is not to say that they are more talented than anyone else on this list, far from it. In fact, most of the Indie voices I love. So here are some voices that don't fit any molds:
Peace Love and Understanding
To start we present:
The Reedy Indie Voice: this voice is associated with those indie singers who feel totally worthwhile because they don't act like that slut Christina Aguilera. These women rely on very breathy, thin voices to deliver poetic lyrics over either soothingly melodic indie tunes, or self-consciously angular and non-cohesive pieces. Some examples of this voice include:
1. The chick from Camera Obscura
2. The chick from Bishop Allen
3. Regina Spektor (I don't know if the spelling is right, and I don't care)
4. Neko Case
5. That Hillary woman from Apples in Stereo
6. The chick from Aberdeen
7. Jennifer O'Connor
8. The singer from Dressy Bessy
9. Both members of Veruca Salt
10. Kim Deal
Next up we have:
The Thin, Reedy, Pop Star Voice: To fit this category, you must have your own voice dubbed several times on your recordings to make up for the fact that it isn't powerful at all. You mostly breathe your lyrics rather than sing them. You concentrate more on dancing than anything else, and what makes things worse is that millions of girls across the country model themselves after you and appear on American Idol. This has led to a nationwide watering-down of talent and threatens to make actual talent obsolete. If you are one of these singers, you have set the bar super low in the music world.
Here are some examples:
1. Britney Spears
2. any woman from the last 3 seasons of American Idol
3. Jessica Simpson
4. Nelly Furtado (who used to be cool...remember "I'm like a bird" ?)
5. members of all-girl a capella groups
6. That chick from Len
7. The Spice Girls
8. 98% of anyone you hear on the radio
The "Look at how powerful my voice is because I riff on every note I sing" voice:
The other 2% of radio women make up this category. This is the opposite end of the spectrum, where girls say to themselves, ok, I will overcompensate and when I sing, I wil stretch every note I sing to every end of the range of hearing, back again, and wrapped around and through the hole. Then they do that stupid thing where they close their eyes, lean back and move their hand around with the notes. Please, just sing the notes that fit the music and soforth. Some examples of these divas include:
1. Beyonce Knowles. (Yes she has a last name, idiot...everyone has a last name. It seems as though the record company made you forget that part)
2. Mariah Carey
3. Any black women on American Idol
4. Christina Aguilera, when she takes a break from being a slut that offends all of my senses
Now let's look at some voices that are original. This is not to say that they are more talented than anyone else on this list, far from it. In fact, most of the Indie voices I love. So here are some voices that don't fit any molds:
- Alanis Morrisette
- Norah Jones
- Gwen Stefani
- Joni Mitchell
- The chick from the Cranberries
- Kate Pierson
- The singer from The Sounds
Peace Love and Understanding
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Great Star-Gazing Songs
To round-off my list of songs for different occasions, I now present the best songs to have playing while you lie on your back on the ground or in a car at night while watching the stars. These songs are evocative and soothing, perfect for the contemplative art of star-watching. The descriptions will be very short, if there is any description at all. All you need to know is that these songs are incredibly beautiful and should be put on a mix and played on summer nights.
"Th Silvery Light of the Drean (part II)" by Apples in Stereo. This song has a dream-like quality about it, and the catchy progression coupled with Robert Schneider's mellow voice create a song that sets off the night perfectly.
"I Don't Know" by the Beastie Boys. In a surprisingly soulful and mellow turn, the Boys craft a sensitive, catchy and warming song that displays some fine classical guitar work. This is a gem.
"Across the Universe" by the Beatles. This is one of, if not the best song the Beatles ever wrote.
"Butterfly Net" by Bishop Allen. The vocals on this song coupled with the bare-bones instrumentation could melt butter.
"Let's Go Bowling" by Camera Obscura. Similar to the above description.
"The Wind" by Cat Stevens. Used beautifully in Rushmore, another short and sweet song.
"One Fell Swoop" by Chris Knox. This one might be hard to find, but if you manage to find a copy, you will be blown away by the pipes on this Australian jangle-pop star.
"Beautiful World" by Colin Hay
"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie. Great lyrics, nice and mellow.
"Make a Deal With the City" by East River Pipe
"Mad World" by Gary Jules. Immortalized in Donnie Darko, this cover tune is the epitome of mellow acoustic star-gazing music.
"Attics of My Life" and "Sage and Spirit" by Grateful Dead. If the harmonies in Attics don't send a chill down your spine, then you are probably in a coma, and if Sage doesn't remind you of summers in your childhood, then you had a sucky childhood.
(actually, while on the subject of the Dead, they have a few more amazing star-gazers: "Black Throated Wind," "Black Peter," "Terrapin Station" and "Bird Song")
"Eep Hour" by Jerry Garcia. This trippy instrumental is hypnotizing.
"A Burial at Sea" by The Ladybug Transistor.
"Everywhere" by Lo Fine
"Micon the Icon" by Mark Mulcahy. This is a great example of why Thom Yorke calls Mulcahy the greatest vocalist he has ever head. He sings with emotion and power, and this acoustic ditty is certainly powerful and evocative.
"Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star. Perhaps the most beautiful song of the 1990's.
"Porcelain" by Moby
"Starlight" by Muse
"After the Goldrush" by Neil Young. Described by a one Joey Kuhn as "the most beautiful song ever written"
"Pink Moon" by Nick Drake. This is THE song. Remember that VW commercial with those kids driving around at night? this is the song that was playing as they drove the desolate highways on a summer night, staring up at the stars. A PERFECT song if there ever was one.
"Don't Know Why" by Nora Jones
"No Distance Left to Run" by Blur
"Heaven is a Truck" by Pavement. This is in my running for the most poignant and beautiful song ever written.
(on a Pavement note, also try "The Hexx" another gem)
"Chalice" by Phil Keaggy
"Dirt" by Phish. Finally writing some good lyrics, Phish displays this obvious maturity in song writing.
"Ivy Boy" by Polaris
"Night Swimming" by REM
"Karma Police" by Radiohead. This is the song that made me stop hating Radiohead.
"Bombs Away" by Ratdog
"Mystified" by Rocco DeLuca and the Burden
"Friends" by Ryan Adams
"Nellie Jean" and "Untitled" by the Slip. Absolutely gorgeous songs.
"Take Five" by String Cheese Incident
"Slow Motion" by Third Eye Blind. The instrumental version is what i recommend, not the one with lyrics about shooting people.
Well, that rounds off this list and the "Songs" theme of my blog, at least for a while, or until I run out of ideas. I honestly encourage you to find these songs if you don't own them already, and put them on a mix. Life goes by so fast, enjoy your summer nights while you can.
Peace Love and Understanding.
"Th Silvery Light of the Drean (part II)" by Apples in Stereo. This song has a dream-like quality about it, and the catchy progression coupled with Robert Schneider's mellow voice create a song that sets off the night perfectly.
"I Don't Know" by the Beastie Boys. In a surprisingly soulful and mellow turn, the Boys craft a sensitive, catchy and warming song that displays some fine classical guitar work. This is a gem.
"Across the Universe" by the Beatles. This is one of, if not the best song the Beatles ever wrote.
"Butterfly Net" by Bishop Allen. The vocals on this song coupled with the bare-bones instrumentation could melt butter.
"Let's Go Bowling" by Camera Obscura. Similar to the above description.
"The Wind" by Cat Stevens. Used beautifully in Rushmore, another short and sweet song.
"One Fell Swoop" by Chris Knox. This one might be hard to find, but if you manage to find a copy, you will be blown away by the pipes on this Australian jangle-pop star.
"Beautiful World" by Colin Hay
"I Will Follow You Into the Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie. Great lyrics, nice and mellow.
"Make a Deal With the City" by East River Pipe
"Mad World" by Gary Jules. Immortalized in Donnie Darko, this cover tune is the epitome of mellow acoustic star-gazing music.
"Attics of My Life" and "Sage and Spirit" by Grateful Dead. If the harmonies in Attics don't send a chill down your spine, then you are probably in a coma, and if Sage doesn't remind you of summers in your childhood, then you had a sucky childhood.
(actually, while on the subject of the Dead, they have a few more amazing star-gazers: "Black Throated Wind," "Black Peter," "Terrapin Station" and "Bird Song")
"Eep Hour" by Jerry Garcia. This trippy instrumental is hypnotizing.
"A Burial at Sea" by The Ladybug Transistor.
"Everywhere" by Lo Fine
"Micon the Icon" by Mark Mulcahy. This is a great example of why Thom Yorke calls Mulcahy the greatest vocalist he has ever head. He sings with emotion and power, and this acoustic ditty is certainly powerful and evocative.
"Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star. Perhaps the most beautiful song of the 1990's.
"Porcelain" by Moby
"Starlight" by Muse
"After the Goldrush" by Neil Young. Described by a one Joey Kuhn as "the most beautiful song ever written"
"Pink Moon" by Nick Drake. This is THE song. Remember that VW commercial with those kids driving around at night? this is the song that was playing as they drove the desolate highways on a summer night, staring up at the stars. A PERFECT song if there ever was one.
"Don't Know Why" by Nora Jones
"No Distance Left to Run" by Blur
"Heaven is a Truck" by Pavement. This is in my running for the most poignant and beautiful song ever written.
(on a Pavement note, also try "The Hexx" another gem)
"Chalice" by Phil Keaggy
"Dirt" by Phish. Finally writing some good lyrics, Phish displays this obvious maturity in song writing.
"Ivy Boy" by Polaris
"Night Swimming" by REM
"Karma Police" by Radiohead. This is the song that made me stop hating Radiohead.
"Bombs Away" by Ratdog
"Mystified" by Rocco DeLuca and the Burden
"Friends" by Ryan Adams
"Nellie Jean" and "Untitled" by the Slip. Absolutely gorgeous songs.
"Take Five" by String Cheese Incident
"Slow Motion" by Third Eye Blind. The instrumental version is what i recommend, not the one with lyrics about shooting people.
Well, that rounds off this list and the "Songs" theme of my blog, at least for a while, or until I run out of ideas. I honestly encourage you to find these songs if you don't own them already, and put them on a mix. Life goes by so fast, enjoy your summer nights while you can.
Peace Love and Understanding.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Songs to Get Pumped To
Yesterday, we discussed great songs for walking. Today, we will discuss songs that are perfect for training, preparing for a big game, or getting excited about a major event. The songs that follow are a sampling of what you can use in any of these situations.
"Sleep Now in the Fire" by Rage Against The Machine: This is a perfect pumped-up song, as it has all the neccessary factors, including pounding drums, an up-temp catchy guitar riff, and screamed vocals. Everything about this song gets you pumped: when the bass slides in after the intro riff, when that crazy guitar effect kicks in at the end...everything. This one is a gem. However, pretty much every Rage songs follows this formula, and therefore are all suitable to get pumped up to, especially "Killing in the Name Of" "Bulls on Parade" "Testify" and "Guerilla Radio."
"Song 2" by Blur: Even though this was an honerable mention in the Most Overplayed list, this song is another perfect getting pumped song. The opening drum beat gets you ready to go, thats where you jump up and down in place. Then the clean riff, thats where you roll your neck and shake your hands out, Then the distorted riff: one of the most glorious moments in music, featuring perhaps the dumbest, simplist and most brilliant choruses ever: 'whoo-hoo.' as simple as that, and as awesome as that. At that moment you burst into action, and usually fight people and stuff.
"Go With the Flow" by Queens of the Stone Age: Thus songs wastes no time and kicks your ass right out of the gate. It is 3 solid minutes of up-tempo rock gold, and for those 3 minutes, you will get so pumped for your day that you can tackle any problem that comes your way. The singable chorus and pulsing beat will be stuck in your head all day, and make you want to play football against people bigger than you, just so you can look all badass with a black eye and ripped shirt as this song plays.
"Kick out the Jams" by The Presidents of the USA: a cover version of an old MC5 song, this nugget will have you lying on the floor staring at the ceiling holding your head before you even realized it had ended. With a riff and energy that never quit, this song clocks in at under 1:30, but it will fill you will levels of pumpedupittude that you didn't know you could handle. This is a great one to keep on loop or start a party with.
"Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys: This one is a classic. No matter who you are, you hear this song and you are suddenly the coolest person on earth, no matter who you are ot what you are doing. You could be in middle-management for a small shower-curtain ring company, and if this song comes on, you are suddenly transformed into a kick-ass dude who doesn't take any crap from anyone. This is a perfect one for sledding or snow sports, to get that "I'm so cool I'm literally insane" mindset.
"From out of Nowhere" by Faith No More: This may be the single greatest pumped-up song ever. Seemingly custom made for car chases and getaways, this song should be the only one playing when you go running or jogging. It is literally the perfect pumped song, with a dynamic chord progression that will fuel you for miles, a slowed break to give your activity an epic sense of purpose, and then breaking back into the main riff to power you to your finish with no problem.
here are some honerable mentions:
"Monkey Wrench" by Foo Fighters
"Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones
"Fuckin in the Bushes" by Oasis (this is the song used in the film "Snatch" as Mickey enters the ring)
"Lump" by the Presidents of the USA
"Weekapaug Groove" by Phish
Tomorrow we will discuss the best songs to listen to while star-gazing
Peace Love and Understanding
"Sleep Now in the Fire" by Rage Against The Machine: This is a perfect pumped-up song, as it has all the neccessary factors, including pounding drums, an up-temp catchy guitar riff, and screamed vocals. Everything about this song gets you pumped: when the bass slides in after the intro riff, when that crazy guitar effect kicks in at the end...everything. This one is a gem. However, pretty much every Rage songs follows this formula, and therefore are all suitable to get pumped up to, especially "Killing in the Name Of" "Bulls on Parade" "Testify" and "Guerilla Radio."
"Song 2" by Blur: Even though this was an honerable mention in the Most Overplayed list, this song is another perfect getting pumped song. The opening drum beat gets you ready to go, thats where you jump up and down in place. Then the clean riff, thats where you roll your neck and shake your hands out, Then the distorted riff: one of the most glorious moments in music, featuring perhaps the dumbest, simplist and most brilliant choruses ever: 'whoo-hoo.' as simple as that, and as awesome as that. At that moment you burst into action, and usually fight people and stuff.
"Go With the Flow" by Queens of the Stone Age: Thus songs wastes no time and kicks your ass right out of the gate. It is 3 solid minutes of up-tempo rock gold, and for those 3 minutes, you will get so pumped for your day that you can tackle any problem that comes your way. The singable chorus and pulsing beat will be stuck in your head all day, and make you want to play football against people bigger than you, just so you can look all badass with a black eye and ripped shirt as this song plays.
"Kick out the Jams" by The Presidents of the USA: a cover version of an old MC5 song, this nugget will have you lying on the floor staring at the ceiling holding your head before you even realized it had ended. With a riff and energy that never quit, this song clocks in at under 1:30, but it will fill you will levels of pumpedupittude that you didn't know you could handle. This is a great one to keep on loop or start a party with.
"Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys: This one is a classic. No matter who you are, you hear this song and you are suddenly the coolest person on earth, no matter who you are ot what you are doing. You could be in middle-management for a small shower-curtain ring company, and if this song comes on, you are suddenly transformed into a kick-ass dude who doesn't take any crap from anyone. This is a perfect one for sledding or snow sports, to get that "I'm so cool I'm literally insane" mindset.
"From out of Nowhere" by Faith No More: This may be the single greatest pumped-up song ever. Seemingly custom made for car chases and getaways, this song should be the only one playing when you go running or jogging. It is literally the perfect pumped song, with a dynamic chord progression that will fuel you for miles, a slowed break to give your activity an epic sense of purpose, and then breaking back into the main riff to power you to your finish with no problem.
here are some honerable mentions:
"Monkey Wrench" by Foo Fighters
"Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones
"Fuckin in the Bushes" by Oasis (this is the song used in the film "Snatch" as Mickey enters the ring)
"Lump" by the Presidents of the USA
"Weekapaug Groove" by Phish
Tomorrow we will discuss the best songs to listen to while star-gazing
Peace Love and Understanding
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Great Walking Songs
Everybody wishes they had a soundtrack to their lives, music that would play everytime they did anything or went anywhere. Also, everyone thinks they are the first person to have this amazing idea. However, here for you now, I have come up with a short list of some songs that are perfect walking songs. They range from you walking in slow motion, to you walking regular, to you walking with a purpose. Here they are:
"Think I'm in Love" by Beck: a great walking with a purpose song. From the opening bass and drums to the jangle guitar, it makes you feel good, and want to get out there and accomplish something. You feel yourself motivated and confident, and that is the sign of a great walking-with-a-purpose song.
"Loser" also by Beck: To get this out of the way, most Beck songs are great to accompany your walks, but this one is the iconic slow-motion walking song. Imagine that you have just come from class and destroyed your professor in an argument, or beat the shit out of that guy who hates you and is dating that girl you like, whether it be verbally or physically. This song would automatically start playing as you confidently walked away in slow motion.
"Stop, I'm Already Dead" by Deadboy and the Elephantmen: Yes this is a real band, and this song is perfect for walking with a purpose, as the steady, pulsing guitar and drumbeat accompany a pure and powerful vocal. This song makes you want to walk, not just get up, but go somewhere. It accompanies you as you venture off to tackle a test or participate in an activity of some sort where you may be unsure of yourself.
"You Don't Know How it Feels" by Tom Petty: This song is good for plain old walking. It surges with a mellow confidence that we could all use while just sauntering, moseying or even ambling. This song is nice and long too, so you can walk with it when you are going for a stroll to check your mail in the Union or simply going to an easy class where the professor is showing a movie.
"The Guitar" by They Might Be Giants: starting off with a catchy-as-hell bassline and dancebeat, this song turns into a swing number so cool, you feel like Frank Sinatra himself just by listening to it. Another great song for just plain walking, this one is a good choice when you have just aced a test or won a big game. As the horns and clean guitar kick in, you get swept away and feel like walking forever, because you feel so good about your victory.
"When I Get You Alone" by Thicke: This piece of blue-eyed soul makes Justin Timberlake look like Screech, and is perfect for walking with a purpose when you are on your way to a big performance or prepping yourself to ask a girl out. It fills you with confidence and a sense of rythm and flow that power you towards your goal. By sampling "a fifth of beethoven" it incorporates that infectious dance groove that motivates you for hours at a time.
Finally, "Flames Go Higher" by Eagles of Death Metal: This piece of garage-rock grime is a jewel indeed. With its stripped-down sound consisting of a crappy drumset and guitar played on what sounds like a 20 dollar model from K-mart plugged into a travel amp, and the distortion turned up, this song is the perfect gritty and rugged gem for slow-motion walks. When you look really good, or when a pretty girl stops to hug you on your way back from class, this song is perfect to accompany your artificial ego boost. You can almost feel your stubble come in as the song plays, and as you strut confidently in slow-motion you know that all is right in the world.
Special mention goes to "Millenium" by Robbie Williams, which is the song that should be playing when that girl you like kisses you on the cheek for doing something really "sweet." At this point the song begins and you float up into the air and begin walking. While suspended, you walk in slow motion until the song is over, filled with bliss and an inflated sense of self-worth, which is funny because whatever you did to warrant that smooch was probably below your dignity. Regardless, this song is your only choice for post-smooches and hugs from girls you have no chance of having anything more than a platonic relationship with. It makes you feel good, allows you to walk above everyone else, and float on air for about 3 minutes.
Tomorrow we will discuss the best "Getting pumped up" songs.
Peace Love and Understanding
"Think I'm in Love" by Beck: a great walking with a purpose song. From the opening bass and drums to the jangle guitar, it makes you feel good, and want to get out there and accomplish something. You feel yourself motivated and confident, and that is the sign of a great walking-with-a-purpose song.
"Loser" also by Beck: To get this out of the way, most Beck songs are great to accompany your walks, but this one is the iconic slow-motion walking song. Imagine that you have just come from class and destroyed your professor in an argument, or beat the shit out of that guy who hates you and is dating that girl you like, whether it be verbally or physically. This song would automatically start playing as you confidently walked away in slow motion.
"Stop, I'm Already Dead" by Deadboy and the Elephantmen: Yes this is a real band, and this song is perfect for walking with a purpose, as the steady, pulsing guitar and drumbeat accompany a pure and powerful vocal. This song makes you want to walk, not just get up, but go somewhere. It accompanies you as you venture off to tackle a test or participate in an activity of some sort where you may be unsure of yourself.
"You Don't Know How it Feels" by Tom Petty: This song is good for plain old walking. It surges with a mellow confidence that we could all use while just sauntering, moseying or even ambling. This song is nice and long too, so you can walk with it when you are going for a stroll to check your mail in the Union or simply going to an easy class where the professor is showing a movie.
"The Guitar" by They Might Be Giants: starting off with a catchy-as-hell bassline and dancebeat, this song turns into a swing number so cool, you feel like Frank Sinatra himself just by listening to it. Another great song for just plain walking, this one is a good choice when you have just aced a test or won a big game. As the horns and clean guitar kick in, you get swept away and feel like walking forever, because you feel so good about your victory.
"When I Get You Alone" by Thicke: This piece of blue-eyed soul makes Justin Timberlake look like Screech, and is perfect for walking with a purpose when you are on your way to a big performance or prepping yourself to ask a girl out. It fills you with confidence and a sense of rythm and flow that power you towards your goal. By sampling "a fifth of beethoven" it incorporates that infectious dance groove that motivates you for hours at a time.
Finally, "Flames Go Higher" by Eagles of Death Metal: This piece of garage-rock grime is a jewel indeed. With its stripped-down sound consisting of a crappy drumset and guitar played on what sounds like a 20 dollar model from K-mart plugged into a travel amp, and the distortion turned up, this song is the perfect gritty and rugged gem for slow-motion walks. When you look really good, or when a pretty girl stops to hug you on your way back from class, this song is perfect to accompany your artificial ego boost. You can almost feel your stubble come in as the song plays, and as you strut confidently in slow-motion you know that all is right in the world.
Special mention goes to "Millenium" by Robbie Williams, which is the song that should be playing when that girl you like kisses you on the cheek for doing something really "sweet." At this point the song begins and you float up into the air and begin walking. While suspended, you walk in slow motion until the song is over, filled with bliss and an inflated sense of self-worth, which is funny because whatever you did to warrant that smooch was probably below your dignity. Regardless, this song is your only choice for post-smooches and hugs from girls you have no chance of having anything more than a platonic relationship with. It makes you feel good, allows you to walk above everyone else, and float on air for about 3 minutes.
Tomorrow we will discuss the best "Getting pumped up" songs.
Peace Love and Understanding
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Dane Cook Sucks
I am a huge fan of standup comedy, from the traditional by-the-numbers observations of Jerry Seinfeld, to the non-sequitor ramblings of Stephen Wright. My favorite standup is Jim Gaffigan who never fails to crack me up. But what makes all of these comics great is that despite their different styles, they all write their own material and establish a real sense of joke-telling. But there is one man who has grabbed the Myspace generation by its backwards hats and seems to have taken over the world of stand-up and beyond. This miserable hack is known as Dane Cook.
Dane Cook is one of those guys who is always trying too hard and you're just never really comfortable with him. I guess you could say that I tried to like him, but ultimately I decided that he isn't funny and he does suck.
Cook has dominated the Comedy Central Presents block for years now, but there has been something missing...maybe jokes for one? Dane Cook may enthrall the audience with his manic presence, but he doesn't tell jokes. Cook's own "material" is hacky observations about airports and how men and women are different, something that should be left to Jerry Seinfeld---sure it may be hacky, but he has established it as his signature style. The rest of Cook's routine is made up of jokes he has stolen from other comedians and tried to pass off as his own. click here to listen to him ripping off a Louis CK bit, and then another Louis CK bit.
The issue is not whether or not Cook is talented, because he clearly is. He has a knack for impressions and can keep an audience enthralled. The issue is, is Dane Cook actually FUNNY? and the answer is no, he is not funny at all. Other comedians hate him.
Comedian Jim Breuer, a veteran of the stand-up circuit, and host of his own radio show had this to say:"Everyone hates this guy, not one comedian comes on my show and says `I'm so happy for him,' which is weird. ... They can't stand this poor guy."
Breuer also says that he admires Cook's talents, but claims that other comedians hate how Cook takes other comedians' material and passes it off as his own. All comedians face the same trials in their careers: they write material, try it out, take it on the road, deal with harsh crowds, and eventually win a following or at least the respect of other comedians. Essentially, Dane Cook created a Myspace page and convinced people he was a comedian using base-level jokes and other people's material.
But I, John Finn, am not the only person who thinks this way. I am not a jealous college student surrounded by people enamored by Dane Cook. (well, actually I am). But respected media outlets have criticized Cook's terribly unfunny stand-up.
Rolling Stone Magazine made a list of things that are funnier than Dane Cook, and this list includes:
Dane Cook is one of those guys who is always trying too hard and you're just never really comfortable with him. I guess you could say that I tried to like him, but ultimately I decided that he isn't funny and he does suck.
Cook has dominated the Comedy Central Presents block for years now, but there has been something missing...maybe jokes for one? Dane Cook may enthrall the audience with his manic presence, but he doesn't tell jokes. Cook's own "material" is hacky observations about airports and how men and women are different, something that should be left to Jerry Seinfeld---sure it may be hacky, but he has established it as his signature style. The rest of Cook's routine is made up of jokes he has stolen from other comedians and tried to pass off as his own. click here to listen to him ripping off a Louis CK bit, and then another Louis CK bit.
The issue is not whether or not Cook is talented, because he clearly is. He has a knack for impressions and can keep an audience enthralled. The issue is, is Dane Cook actually FUNNY? and the answer is no, he is not funny at all. Other comedians hate him.
Comedian Jim Breuer, a veteran of the stand-up circuit, and host of his own radio show had this to say:"Everyone hates this guy, not one comedian comes on my show and says `I'm so happy for him,' which is weird. ... They can't stand this poor guy."
Breuer also says that he admires Cook's talents, but claims that other comedians hate how Cook takes other comedians' material and passes it off as his own. All comedians face the same trials in their careers: they write material, try it out, take it on the road, deal with harsh crowds, and eventually win a following or at least the respect of other comedians. Essentially, Dane Cook created a Myspace page and convinced people he was a comedian using base-level jokes and other people's material.
But I, John Finn, am not the only person who thinks this way. I am not a jealous college student surrounded by people enamored by Dane Cook. (well, actually I am). But respected media outlets have criticized Cook's terribly unfunny stand-up.
Rolling Stone Magazine made a list of things that are funnier than Dane Cook, and this list includes:
- Cookie Monster
- A prune Danish
- Cooke City, Montana
- that Great Dane that lives next door
Monday, February 19, 2007
If only life were like Tecmo
Another football season come and gone, with my beloved Bills once again facing the business end of a losing season. As I drown my sorrows in Wegman's brand Cocoa Krispies and mozzarella sticks, I begin a season of a different sort. A Tecmo football season. For those of you not familiar with Tecmo Super Bowl, it is one of the greatest sports video games ever. If played correctly, it can produce levels of football joy more powerful than anything a Bills fan can experience.
In Tecmo world, here is how the Bills would fare:
First, the Bills would always choose to kick off, as they know getting the ball back at halftime is the most important strategy.
Then, the Bills storied defense would take the field. They would call one of the opposition's 8 available plays, and like a swarm of bees, converge on the quarterback, sacking him for a loss of 11 yards each time. If the opposition does manage to get a play off, here is what would happen: If it was a run, Takeo Spikes would stay back in coverage and wait for the runner to get into open field. Then he would track him down and tackle him. If they passed the ball, Nate Clements would follow the receiver's flashing arrow to find his location, then leap 10 feet into the air and catch the ball over his head.
Now the Bills have the ball. Losman calls a play. It's a pass. he fades back 35 yards until Lee Evans' flashing arrow is at the 20 yard line. The defense is powerless, as the players are thrown to the ground by the Bill's O-line, unable to get up, no matter how frantically "A" is pressed. Losman then slings the ball about 70 yards downfield with perfect accuracy to Evans. The Defense has suddenly gained the ability to sprint the length of the field in a matter of milliseconds, but Evans merely has to run in a zig-zag fashion from sideline to sideline until he reaches the endzone. Once, he is grabbed and locks up with a defender, but its ok, because he frantically presses "A" until he shakes his man. If he is somehow tackled at the goal line, Losman simply presses X, and Willis McGahee will dive over the line into the endzone. Then, Willis will leap into Losman's arms and point to the sky. Losman at this point is African American, and able to bench 3 Buicks. Meanwhile, Jason Peters looks sassy in the background.
On defense again, the Bills send Aaron Schoebel in for the sack, He is able to get good position because he has pressed down and "B" to lurch across the line. Once he sacks the QB, he finds the nearest camera and flexes, as the quarterback attempts to do a pushup behind him.
Even the kick team gets in on it. When the Bills elect to punt, Brian Moorman unleashes his trademark 85 yard punt by waiting for the red power bar to reach the end of the gauge. When settling for a field goal, kicker Rian Lindell lines up his kick by waiting for his flashing arrow to synch up with the goalpost.
The Bills go 16-0. However, like real life, they lose the Super Bowl, except this time they lose by one score, either as Lee Evans is tackled at the goal line as time expires on a 75 yard pass from Losman, or they lose because as time expires, Reggie Bush breaks a 68 yard run on 4th and 13 to score.
Peace Love and Understanding. Go Bills
In Tecmo world, here is how the Bills would fare:
First, the Bills would always choose to kick off, as they know getting the ball back at halftime is the most important strategy.
Then, the Bills storied defense would take the field. They would call one of the opposition's 8 available plays, and like a swarm of bees, converge on the quarterback, sacking him for a loss of 11 yards each time. If the opposition does manage to get a play off, here is what would happen: If it was a run, Takeo Spikes would stay back in coverage and wait for the runner to get into open field. Then he would track him down and tackle him. If they passed the ball, Nate Clements would follow the receiver's flashing arrow to find his location, then leap 10 feet into the air and catch the ball over his head.
Now the Bills have the ball. Losman calls a play. It's a pass. he fades back 35 yards until Lee Evans' flashing arrow is at the 20 yard line. The defense is powerless, as the players are thrown to the ground by the Bill's O-line, unable to get up, no matter how frantically "A" is pressed. Losman then slings the ball about 70 yards downfield with perfect accuracy to Evans. The Defense has suddenly gained the ability to sprint the length of the field in a matter of milliseconds, but Evans merely has to run in a zig-zag fashion from sideline to sideline until he reaches the endzone. Once, he is grabbed and locks up with a defender, but its ok, because he frantically presses "A" until he shakes his man. If he is somehow tackled at the goal line, Losman simply presses X, and Willis McGahee will dive over the line into the endzone. Then, Willis will leap into Losman's arms and point to the sky. Losman at this point is African American, and able to bench 3 Buicks. Meanwhile, Jason Peters looks sassy in the background.
On defense again, the Bills send Aaron Schoebel in for the sack, He is able to get good position because he has pressed down and "B" to lurch across the line. Once he sacks the QB, he finds the nearest camera and flexes, as the quarterback attempts to do a pushup behind him.
Even the kick team gets in on it. When the Bills elect to punt, Brian Moorman unleashes his trademark 85 yard punt by waiting for the red power bar to reach the end of the gauge. When settling for a field goal, kicker Rian Lindell lines up his kick by waiting for his flashing arrow to synch up with the goalpost.
The Bills go 16-0. However, like real life, they lose the Super Bowl, except this time they lose by one score, either as Lee Evans is tackled at the goal line as time expires on a 75 yard pass from Losman, or they lose because as time expires, Reggie Bush breaks a 68 yard run on 4th and 13 to score.
Peace Love and Understanding. Go Bills
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Overrated/Overplayed Part 2
As promised, here are the songs that round out my list of the most overplayed or overrated songs of all time. Enjoy!
4. "Get Ready For This"-- 2 Unlimited: If you have ever set foot in a sporting event or seen a commercial for the latest straight-to-video release of a movie about an animal that plays sports and helps the son of a recently divorced, attractive mom who marries the coach who acts as a father figure for the boy's sports team win the big game, then you have DEFINITELY heard this song. With its infectious melody, meaningless half rapped, half sung verses by some Swedish woman, it is impossible to escape. It has been used in countless commercials and sporting events, so much so, it makes "Rock and Roll Pt. 2" look like a late-night radio deep-cut. This song is the epitome of late mid-90's culture, custom made for Mountain Dew and an EXREME lifestyle. When this song plays, you can't help but envision a montage of quick cuts involving a chimpanzee or dog or tapir playing soccer or snowboarding. It is catchy as hell, and we all secretly have it playing in our heads when we are on a fast-break in basketball. However, if this song were to vanish forever without a trace, I think we would all be better for it.
3. "All Along the Watchtower"---Jimi Hendrix: Taking a Bob Dylan classic and injecting it with all the stereotypical 1960's psychadelia it could handle, Hendrix created an absolute monster. This song is the one that regardless of the radio station you flip to at any time of the day, it will be playing, usually only within the first 30 seconds. This song is not neccessarily bad, but neither is all that good. Taking Dylan's dark and menacing fable about the apocalypse and transforming it into a shrill acid test of a song, Hendrix is responsible for the score to every documentary ever made about the Vietnam War. Cue the images of soldiers in the jungle, and surely you will hear the opening guitar lick. This song is the musical equivalent of a 100 Grand candy bar. It's never anyone's first choice, and even when it is around the only time people enjoy it is because its probably the only option at the time.
2. "Dust in the Wind"/"Carry On My Wayward Son"---Kansas: These songs are tragically bad, because the guys in Kansas clearly think they wrote really good songs, and proceed to sing and perform them in the most serious way. These are the songs that "cool" hipsters say they like to be "ironic" along with pretty much any 70's era arena rocker. Kansas wrote the songs that would combine 2 of the most obnoxiously self-aware yet mindless genres: southern rock and progressive rock. Taking fiddles and southern harmonies and mixing them with organ solos and angular go-nowhere instrumentals in bizarre time signatures is the true sign of a Kansas (read: shitty) song. These songs however, have gone on to receive unreal amounts of classic rock radio play and have become staples of karaoke bars. One day those bars will be burned down, and those radio stations taken over by Ben Schultz.
1. "Sweet Home Alabama"---Lynyrd Skynyrd: The Grandaddy of terrible, overplayed southern anthems. This song would be a great example of overexposure, except it was never good to begin with. With its jabs at Neil Young (an actual, talented songwriter) and awkward sing along chorus, this song sucks from beginning to end. Radio. Commercials. Stadiums. Compilation Albums. Kidz Bop. Karaoke. Documentaries. These are just a handful of places where this song has been used and used and used again. There was even a movie titled "Sweet Home Alabama," a movie that if remember by more than 5 people today would be a miracle, but the point is that they could have named this movie ANYTHING, yet I'm sure the lazy producers were thinking, hey this movie takes place in Alabama, and there is a song about Alabama that everyone knows, so let's name the movie after the song and use it in our commercials. A "remix" of the song is even used in KFC commercials (doesn't the K stand for Kentucky?) What's worse is that since its inception, it has become a rallying cry for people from the deep south, and Lord knows those people should not be allowed to rally about anything. Overall everywhere you turn, you will hear this song, and more likely than not it will never go away, so your best bet is to ignore it, put on some headphones and crank up "Freebird".
Honorable mentions:
* "Let's get it started"---BEP: no song has become more played out in such a short amount of time.
*"Wonderwall"---Oasis: Let's face it, every schmuck with an acoustic guitar plays this song to try and impress high school girls. This is also one of Oasis' least inspired songs, and while a solid composition, may be the worst song on it's LP, and in the Oasis catalogue.
*"Song 2"--Blur: The worst thing here is that most people only know this song as "Whoo Hoo." Just a shame, considering that for about a 10 year stretch it appeared in every movie trailer and sports game released to the public.
peace love and understanding
4. "Get Ready For This"-- 2 Unlimited: If you have ever set foot in a sporting event or seen a commercial for the latest straight-to-video release of a movie about an animal that plays sports and helps the son of a recently divorced, attractive mom who marries the coach who acts as a father figure for the boy's sports team win the big game, then you have DEFINITELY heard this song. With its infectious melody, meaningless half rapped, half sung verses by some Swedish woman, it is impossible to escape. It has been used in countless commercials and sporting events, so much so, it makes "Rock and Roll Pt. 2" look like a late-night radio deep-cut. This song is the epitome of late mid-90's culture, custom made for Mountain Dew and an EXREME lifestyle. When this song plays, you can't help but envision a montage of quick cuts involving a chimpanzee or dog or tapir playing soccer or snowboarding. It is catchy as hell, and we all secretly have it playing in our heads when we are on a fast-break in basketball. However, if this song were to vanish forever without a trace, I think we would all be better for it.
3. "All Along the Watchtower"---Jimi Hendrix: Taking a Bob Dylan classic and injecting it with all the stereotypical 1960's psychadelia it could handle, Hendrix created an absolute monster. This song is the one that regardless of the radio station you flip to at any time of the day, it will be playing, usually only within the first 30 seconds. This song is not neccessarily bad, but neither is all that good. Taking Dylan's dark and menacing fable about the apocalypse and transforming it into a shrill acid test of a song, Hendrix is responsible for the score to every documentary ever made about the Vietnam War. Cue the images of soldiers in the jungle, and surely you will hear the opening guitar lick. This song is the musical equivalent of a 100 Grand candy bar. It's never anyone's first choice, and even when it is around the only time people enjoy it is because its probably the only option at the time.
2. "Dust in the Wind"/"Carry On My Wayward Son"---Kansas: These songs are tragically bad, because the guys in Kansas clearly think they wrote really good songs, and proceed to sing and perform them in the most serious way. These are the songs that "cool" hipsters say they like to be "ironic" along with pretty much any 70's era arena rocker. Kansas wrote the songs that would combine 2 of the most obnoxiously self-aware yet mindless genres: southern rock and progressive rock. Taking fiddles and southern harmonies and mixing them with organ solos and angular go-nowhere instrumentals in bizarre time signatures is the true sign of a Kansas (read: shitty) song. These songs however, have gone on to receive unreal amounts of classic rock radio play and have become staples of karaoke bars. One day those bars will be burned down, and those radio stations taken over by Ben Schultz.
1. "Sweet Home Alabama"---Lynyrd Skynyrd: The Grandaddy of terrible, overplayed southern anthems. This song would be a great example of overexposure, except it was never good to begin with. With its jabs at Neil Young (an actual, talented songwriter) and awkward sing along chorus, this song sucks from beginning to end. Radio. Commercials. Stadiums. Compilation Albums. Kidz Bop. Karaoke. Documentaries. These are just a handful of places where this song has been used and used and used again. There was even a movie titled "Sweet Home Alabama," a movie that if remember by more than 5 people today would be a miracle, but the point is that they could have named this movie ANYTHING, yet I'm sure the lazy producers were thinking, hey this movie takes place in Alabama, and there is a song about Alabama that everyone knows, so let's name the movie after the song and use it in our commercials. A "remix" of the song is even used in KFC commercials (doesn't the K stand for Kentucky?) What's worse is that since its inception, it has become a rallying cry for people from the deep south, and Lord knows those people should not be allowed to rally about anything. Overall everywhere you turn, you will hear this song, and more likely than not it will never go away, so your best bet is to ignore it, put on some headphones and crank up "Freebird".
Honorable mentions:
* "Let's get it started"---BEP: no song has become more played out in such a short amount of time.
*"Wonderwall"---Oasis: Let's face it, every schmuck with an acoustic guitar plays this song to try and impress high school girls. This is also one of Oasis' least inspired songs, and while a solid composition, may be the worst song on it's LP, and in the Oasis catalogue.
*"Song 2"--Blur: The worst thing here is that most people only know this song as "Whoo Hoo." Just a shame, considering that for about a 10 year stretch it appeared in every movie trailer and sports game released to the public.
peace love and understanding
Friday, February 9, 2007
Most Overplayed/Overrated Songs Ever
As promised, here is the list of the most overplayed/overrated songs of all time. These are the songs that we are convinced must be classics, because they are played constantly: on the radio, in commercials, karaoke, everywhere. Some of these songs are good songs that have been overexposed, and some are just terrible songs that I wish had never been written.
10. ANYTHING written and performed by Bob Seger: I hate Bob Seger. I hate his faux-macho delivery, his "hey look how American I am" lyrics, and his derivative songs. Every single released by Mr. Seger has been awful, and what's more, they are ALWAYS being played on the radio. From "Old Time Rock and Roll" which is taken directly from the Kidz Bop outtakes catalogue, to the bland "Night Moves" and "Against the Wind" which essentially combine Jackson Browne and Warren Zevon melodies and arrangments but remove the charm, wit, and originality and add a bellowing buffoon's croaked vocals. I hope to God I never hear another Seger song on the radio again.
9. "Stairway to Heaven"---Led Zeppelin: This sprawling epic has become a joke; a punchline to every mockery of the 1970's. This song is best enjoyed by those of you who use free time to learn Elvish or study maps of Middle Earth. Zep is such an awesome band, and has churned out many fabulous songs, most of which get good airplay on commercials and radio. However, this is the song that puts me over the edge. It drags, it doesn't rock until the last 1:30 (note: the guitar solo here is amazing, and when the song rocks, it really does rock), and its faux-mystical lyrics are muddled and fluffy, never delivering any real story or message. However, this song seems to consistantly top people's lists of greatest songs ever, probably because of its reputation as a "masterpiece." That is terrible logic if it is the case. "Stairway" is an incredibly overrated song.
8. "Satisfaction"---The Rolling Stones: Besides a somewhat catchy riff, this song has nothing going for it, yet it topped VH1's "greatest songs ever" list. The 3-note riff is memorable and solid, but it is not unlike the countless other British Invasion songs of the time. The Kinks, Beatles, et al. created songs that were just as catchy and had better lyrics. Yet, it is this tune that gets hands down the most radio play and esteem. What is so special about it? Jagger's half-yelled chorus? Charlie Watts' boring and simple drum beat? The "edgy" lyrics that by todays standards are about as racy as a Disney straight-to-video sequel? The answer is not clear, but this is a prime example of a song getting more play and praise than it deserves.
7. "More than a Feeling"---Boston: I do enjoy this song, with its unreal vocals, soaring riffs, and Boston-by-the-numbers song structure. However, nothing about this song is particularly GREAT in any way shape or form. Everyone who hears it says, "yeah, I kinda like that." It's like the McDonald's of music. It is SO overproduced and slick, SO packed with layers and layers of artificial crap, that it has to be appealing to people. This song is without a doubt one of the most overplayed classic rock songs in the history of radio. This is the song that is kinda fun to sing along with your friends, but if you ever hear this song on your own, you get about 30 seconds in before flipping the dial.
6. "Pour Some Sugar On Me"--Def Leppard: This song is both overplayed and inane. The derivative arena-rock riffs are so lame, that whenever you hear this song, you can imagine Joe Elliots pathetic "rock and roll manuevers." Every school dance I ever attended in my high school lifetime has featured this song, each time more obxious than the last. It is all over the radio, whether the station is classic rock, variety, anything. It doesn't matter. they will play this insidious crap heap. The terrible 80's production, the awkwardly sexual lyrics, everything adds up to a shit-show of awfulness. Yet, like all the songs on this list, it is a consistent party and radio favorite. I think one of the funniest things I have ever seen involving this song was a VH1 Classic commercial that featured Joe Elliot performing this song in-studio on an acoustic guitar, as an attempt to pass this song off as a piece of great musicianship.
5. "You Shook Me"----AC/DC: This song suffers from the same illness as the previous entry, but what makes it worse it that AC/DC actually rocked before this song. However, this is the song that they are probably most famous for, aside from "Back in Black," a song that is also overplayed, but is a good enough song to not make this list. This song however, is like Leppard's, full of slick, overproduced faux-rocking attempt to crack the mainstream. Its awkward sexuality is stomach-turning and the song itself is just boring and lame. It, like the others so far are featured in more high school dances and variety style radio programs than they should be. You Shook Me is terrible and overplayed.
The next 5 will appear in tomorrow's blog.
For now, Peace Love and Understanding.
10. ANYTHING written and performed by Bob Seger: I hate Bob Seger. I hate his faux-macho delivery, his "hey look how American I am" lyrics, and his derivative songs. Every single released by Mr. Seger has been awful, and what's more, they are ALWAYS being played on the radio. From "Old Time Rock and Roll" which is taken directly from the Kidz Bop outtakes catalogue, to the bland "Night Moves" and "Against the Wind" which essentially combine Jackson Browne and Warren Zevon melodies and arrangments but remove the charm, wit, and originality and add a bellowing buffoon's croaked vocals. I hope to God I never hear another Seger song on the radio again.
9. "Stairway to Heaven"---Led Zeppelin: This sprawling epic has become a joke; a punchline to every mockery of the 1970's. This song is best enjoyed by those of you who use free time to learn Elvish or study maps of Middle Earth. Zep is such an awesome band, and has churned out many fabulous songs, most of which get good airplay on commercials and radio. However, this is the song that puts me over the edge. It drags, it doesn't rock until the last 1:30 (note: the guitar solo here is amazing, and when the song rocks, it really does rock), and its faux-mystical lyrics are muddled and fluffy, never delivering any real story or message. However, this song seems to consistantly top people's lists of greatest songs ever, probably because of its reputation as a "masterpiece." That is terrible logic if it is the case. "Stairway" is an incredibly overrated song.
8. "Satisfaction"---The Rolling Stones: Besides a somewhat catchy riff, this song has nothing going for it, yet it topped VH1's "greatest songs ever" list. The 3-note riff is memorable and solid, but it is not unlike the countless other British Invasion songs of the time. The Kinks, Beatles, et al. created songs that were just as catchy and had better lyrics. Yet, it is this tune that gets hands down the most radio play and esteem. What is so special about it? Jagger's half-yelled chorus? Charlie Watts' boring and simple drum beat? The "edgy" lyrics that by todays standards are about as racy as a Disney straight-to-video sequel? The answer is not clear, but this is a prime example of a song getting more play and praise than it deserves.
7. "More than a Feeling"---Boston: I do enjoy this song, with its unreal vocals, soaring riffs, and Boston-by-the-numbers song structure. However, nothing about this song is particularly GREAT in any way shape or form. Everyone who hears it says, "yeah, I kinda like that." It's like the McDonald's of music. It is SO overproduced and slick, SO packed with layers and layers of artificial crap, that it has to be appealing to people. This song is without a doubt one of the most overplayed classic rock songs in the history of radio. This is the song that is kinda fun to sing along with your friends, but if you ever hear this song on your own, you get about 30 seconds in before flipping the dial.
6. "Pour Some Sugar On Me"--Def Leppard: This song is both overplayed and inane. The derivative arena-rock riffs are so lame, that whenever you hear this song, you can imagine Joe Elliots pathetic "rock and roll manuevers." Every school dance I ever attended in my high school lifetime has featured this song, each time more obxious than the last. It is all over the radio, whether the station is classic rock, variety, anything. It doesn't matter. they will play this insidious crap heap. The terrible 80's production, the awkwardly sexual lyrics, everything adds up to a shit-show of awfulness. Yet, like all the songs on this list, it is a consistent party and radio favorite. I think one of the funniest things I have ever seen involving this song was a VH1 Classic commercial that featured Joe Elliot performing this song in-studio on an acoustic guitar, as an attempt to pass this song off as a piece of great musicianship.
5. "You Shook Me"----AC/DC: This song suffers from the same illness as the previous entry, but what makes it worse it that AC/DC actually rocked before this song. However, this is the song that they are probably most famous for, aside from "Back in Black," a song that is also overplayed, but is a good enough song to not make this list. This song however, is like Leppard's, full of slick, overproduced faux-rocking attempt to crack the mainstream. Its awkward sexuality is stomach-turning and the song itself is just boring and lame. It, like the others so far are featured in more high school dances and variety style radio programs than they should be. You Shook Me is terrible and overplayed.
The next 5 will appear in tomorrow's blog.
For now, Peace Love and Understanding.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
The Worst Songs of All Time
This post is dedicated to the worst songs ever released to the public. These selections are not a reflection on the band or artist that wrote them, not by any stretch. Rather, they are a testament to the complete lack of discretion many people show when deciding what music they like. What will follow is a list of the songs lacking in any real musical or lyrical quality, and the songs that are so derivative and soulless it makes one question the humanity of its authors. Here are presented only the top 10, as the complete list would take years to complete. These are artists who write music and perform music, making them much more heinous. So, without further ado, here are the WORST songs of all time.
10. "Sk8ter Boi"--Avril Lavigne. Here is the scenario: a major record label gave a tape recorder to a group of 8th grade girls and told them to make a song. With the help of the school's poseur "punk" band, they constructed one of the most ill-concieved compositions in the history of music. With a chorus taken straight from the "poetry" of a 13 year old's diary, and one of the most feeble attempts to "rock" that I have ever heard, this song is best left in the skin-crawling pit known as Hot Topic's stereo system.
9. "I Did It"--Dave Matthews Band. As is quite apparent from previous posts, I am not exactly enamored with Mr. Matthews. But, this song takes the cake for mediocrity. It literally sounds like the band decided to not try to write a song. The verses are meaningless, as is the case of most of David's compositions, but in this case, the real kicker is the chorus. Devoid of any semblance of catchiness or coherence, the chorus sounds like Matthews gargling mouthwash while the band is tuning up. This is another steaming pile that will hopefully be forgotten.
8. "All-Star"--Smash Mouth. Of course, the follow up single to the masterfully quirky and catchy "Walking on the Sun." This California-based, quasi-ska abomination, fronted by the most awkward frontman in rock history couldn't wait to drop this heap onto the American public. Luckily they chose the cinematic equivilant of a corkboard table, "Mystery Men" as their venue of choice. This song is so God-awful it is almost a novelty. I don't think I have ever heard a song that rocks less hard and leaves me feeling so empty after listening as this one does. The lyrics are juvenile and meaningless, including the memorable reference to the "Loser" sign, formed by one's thumb and index finger. Very cutting edge stuff, Smash Mouth. The chorus once again is both pointless and weak. It never builds to anything except the end of the song. This one was custom made for Kidz Bop.
7. A tie: "Tell Me Baby" and "Dani California"---Red Hot Chili Peppers. First off, let me say, I love the Peppers. Generally, they combine a fabulous mix of funk and rock, with great grooves and catchy riffs. However, these two songs show two things: 1. complete mis-direction in song writing, and 2. laziness. To start with, "tell me baby" suffers from what I call the New Chili Peppers Sound. Basically this entails Anthony Keidis awkwardly rapping over a light funk riff, with the exact same cadence every time: dadadadada--dadada-dada/dadadadada--dadada--dada. 99% of the time, the lyrics are either completly meaningless and are just pathetic rhymes, or they are about Keidis' depraved sexuality. Then, after the verse, the band completely shifts directions, and breaks into a chorus with a chord progression so derivative and lame, it sounds like a matchbox20 B-side. It was almost as if the band members had 2 good ideas for unrelated songs, but somehow they got slapped together. The Peppers of old knew how to make a song in which chorus and verse actually sounded like they belonged in the same song. Then there is "Dani California." This song is perhaps the greatest example of Keidis' utter failure as a vocalist to date, with lazy, half-sung verses, a go-nowhere chorus and Chili-Peppers-by-number lyrics that could have been transplanted from any other song in their entire catalogue. In many cases, the musical prowess of his backing band can at least hold my attention with their funkiness, but they fall far short of the mark on “Dani California,” choosing to simply perform an undisguised cover of Tom Petty’s early-Nineties hit, “Mary Jane’s Last Dance.” Laziness at its finest, and what's worse is that rather than ripping off an obscure song to copy, they chose instead to use the riff of a song that anyone who has ever casually flipped by a classic rock station would recognize. On top of all of that, it remained a huge hit. I don't get it.
6. Another tie: "London Bridge" and "Fergalicious" --- Fergie. These tracks both of which are essentially interchangable, are absolute abominations in the world of music. To even call them music is a stretch in itself. Both of these "songs" consist of awkwardly chanted lyrics, meant to stay lodged in your head forever, except you can't remember the actual words, probably becaude they are so miserably pointless and without any meaning. Then there is a chorus and bridge which consists of a vaguely sexual chant that is repeated over and over. This chorus is pretty much only used by, and therefore tailored specifically to one democraphic: overweight, ugly, single college girls who yell it very loudly while trying hard to look good in the half shirt with "sexy" written in sparkles on the front that they are currently spilling out of, their tight Hollister jeans holding on for dear life. These are the same individuals who model their lives after Nicole Richie, believing that people who think that their behavior is "too outrageous" are completely out of the loop and that they are totally just having fun, and people should stop judging them. Sorry, I got sidetracked. To make a long story short, these songs are absolutely atrocious, and if the person performing them looked at all like the girls who sing them at clubs, they wouldn't sell 4 copies.
5. Another Tie: "Hollaback Girl" and "Wind it up"---Gwen Stefani.
See Fergie description above.
4. "Don't Want to Miss a Thing"---Aerosmith. Well, at least they didn't write this one themselves. Credit this as the song that ushered in the era of terrible rock-ballads for the modern era. Made for the cinematic masterpiece, "Armageddon," Steven Tyler croaks his way
through the lyrics as a "majestic" string section backs him up. Everything about this song is terrible, above all the fact that it stuck in my head for weeks. UGH. I want to shoot Aerosmith.
3. "Story of a Girl"---Nine Days. The first word in "rock and roll" is "rock," which implies something hard, possibly heavy, and at least with an edge to it. However, of all the hideous, sentimental, Dawson’s Creek alterna-pop of the early 00s, this was by far the worst. This piece of crap made “Everything You Want” by Vertical Horizon sound like “Ace of Spades" by Motorhead. The opening line of this song is “This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world.” Wow. I could have sworn that this was supposed to be a rock song, but I guess I was wrong. These guys make matchbox20 look like Metallica. I wish someone could have killed the members of the band before this song was even written, but even that would be pretty bad because someone would surely play “Adam’s Song” by Blink 182 at their funeral. At least this song hasn't fallen into the category of "songs that lame college guys play on acoustic guitars under trees to get girls to sleep with them." I pray that day will never come.
2. "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)"---Green Day. If you graduated from high school, appeared in the cast of a TV show whose run was coming to an end, or went to a teenager’s funeral in the late 90s, I don’t have to explain how bad this song is. Bland, sappy, and boring, this song sucks the life out of any room or party. It is a pathetic attempt at being ironic, and even that message was lost on the millions of idiots who bought the album. The majority of those people were probably also very surprised to find that the other songs on the album featured electric guitars and lack of pussitude. This "ballad" broke the mold for lameness. It, like other songs on the list has become a joke in and of itself, with even the first few notes inducing laughter. Sounding nothing like Green Day, it is the grandaddy of the types of songs discussed in my number 1 choice for worst song ever.
1.. "Beverly Hills"--Weezer. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a big Weezer fan. But, this atrocious piece of garbage makes me wish I was born without ears. It is so bad, that it is far and away the worst track on the abismal "Make Believe" album, which is a feat in and of itself. This song takes the riff from "I love Rock and Roll," recycles the bassline from the band's brilliant "El Scorcho," and let's a small boy with ADD play with a talkbox, then records the results. This is all bad enough, now let's get to the lyrics. Millionaire frontman Rivers Cuomo sounds like a 13-year old who pretends to be suicidal to get attention. He whines about how preppy girls don't like him. He whines about how lame he is. He whines that his clothes aren't cool. SHUT THE HELL UP. No one cares. I am filled with rage as I write this post, because I am thinking about how I waited years for Weezer's follow-up to "Maladroit," and this was the best they could do???? Everything about this song is misguided and pathetic. Weezer used to be the poster boys for fun, tongue-in-cheek rock, mixing The Cars and Cheap Trick with the Pixies. Then this song. This song sells out hard to cash in on the era of Laguna Beach and the OC. This song is so pathetic and weak that as Dr. David Thorpe would say, "it would even be selling out if the Pussycat Dolls had performed it instead of Weezer." This is far and away the worst song I have ever heard, and is an embarassment to a great band. It is a lazy attempt to make some money, a betrayal to its fans, and represents everything that is wrong with music.
Tomorrow's blog will deal with the most OVERPLAYED songs. These are songs that are good but have oversatured society to the point that no one wants to hear them anymore.
Peace Love and Understanding
10. "Sk8ter Boi"--Avril Lavigne. Here is the scenario: a major record label gave a tape recorder to a group of 8th grade girls and told them to make a song. With the help of the school's poseur "punk" band, they constructed one of the most ill-concieved compositions in the history of music. With a chorus taken straight from the "poetry" of a 13 year old's diary, and one of the most feeble attempts to "rock" that I have ever heard, this song is best left in the skin-crawling pit known as Hot Topic's stereo system.
9. "I Did It"--Dave Matthews Band. As is quite apparent from previous posts, I am not exactly enamored with Mr. Matthews. But, this song takes the cake for mediocrity. It literally sounds like the band decided to not try to write a song. The verses are meaningless, as is the case of most of David's compositions, but in this case, the real kicker is the chorus. Devoid of any semblance of catchiness or coherence, the chorus sounds like Matthews gargling mouthwash while the band is tuning up. This is another steaming pile that will hopefully be forgotten.
8. "All-Star"--Smash Mouth. Of course, the follow up single to the masterfully quirky and catchy "Walking on the Sun." This California-based, quasi-ska abomination, fronted by the most awkward frontman in rock history couldn't wait to drop this heap onto the American public. Luckily they chose the cinematic equivilant of a corkboard table, "Mystery Men" as their venue of choice. This song is so God-awful it is almost a novelty. I don't think I have ever heard a song that rocks less hard and leaves me feeling so empty after listening as this one does. The lyrics are juvenile and meaningless, including the memorable reference to the "Loser" sign, formed by one's thumb and index finger. Very cutting edge stuff, Smash Mouth. The chorus once again is both pointless and weak. It never builds to anything except the end of the song. This one was custom made for Kidz Bop.
7. A tie: "Tell Me Baby" and "Dani California"---Red Hot Chili Peppers. First off, let me say, I love the Peppers. Generally, they combine a fabulous mix of funk and rock, with great grooves and catchy riffs. However, these two songs show two things: 1. complete mis-direction in song writing, and 2. laziness. To start with, "tell me baby" suffers from what I call the New Chili Peppers Sound. Basically this entails Anthony Keidis awkwardly rapping over a light funk riff, with the exact same cadence every time: dadadadada--dadada-dada/dadadadada--dadada--dada. 99% of the time, the lyrics are either completly meaningless and are just pathetic rhymes, or they are about Keidis' depraved sexuality. Then, after the verse, the band completely shifts directions, and breaks into a chorus with a chord progression so derivative and lame, it sounds like a matchbox20 B-side. It was almost as if the band members had 2 good ideas for unrelated songs, but somehow they got slapped together. The Peppers of old knew how to make a song in which chorus and verse actually sounded like they belonged in the same song. Then there is "Dani California." This song is perhaps the greatest example of Keidis' utter failure as a vocalist to date, with lazy, half-sung verses, a go-nowhere chorus and Chili-Peppers-by-number lyrics that could have been transplanted from any other song in their entire catalogue. In many cases, the musical prowess of his backing band can at least hold my attention with their funkiness, but they fall far short of the mark on “Dani California,” choosing to simply perform an undisguised cover of Tom Petty’s early-Nineties hit, “Mary Jane’s Last Dance.” Laziness at its finest, and what's worse is that rather than ripping off an obscure song to copy, they chose instead to use the riff of a song that anyone who has ever casually flipped by a classic rock station would recognize. On top of all of that, it remained a huge hit. I don't get it.
6. Another tie: "London Bridge" and "Fergalicious" --- Fergie. These tracks both of which are essentially interchangable, are absolute abominations in the world of music. To even call them music is a stretch in itself. Both of these "songs" consist of awkwardly chanted lyrics, meant to stay lodged in your head forever, except you can't remember the actual words, probably becaude they are so miserably pointless and without any meaning. Then there is a chorus and bridge which consists of a vaguely sexual chant that is repeated over and over. This chorus is pretty much only used by, and therefore tailored specifically to one democraphic: overweight, ugly, single college girls who yell it very loudly while trying hard to look good in the half shirt with "sexy" written in sparkles on the front that they are currently spilling out of, their tight Hollister jeans holding on for dear life. These are the same individuals who model their lives after Nicole Richie, believing that people who think that their behavior is "too outrageous" are completely out of the loop and that they are totally just having fun, and people should stop judging them. Sorry, I got sidetracked. To make a long story short, these songs are absolutely atrocious, and if the person performing them looked at all like the girls who sing them at clubs, they wouldn't sell 4 copies.
5. Another Tie: "Hollaback Girl" and "Wind it up"---Gwen Stefani.
See Fergie description above.
4. "Don't Want to Miss a Thing"---Aerosmith. Well, at least they didn't write this one themselves. Credit this as the song that ushered in the era of terrible rock-ballads for the modern era. Made for the cinematic masterpiece, "Armageddon," Steven Tyler croaks his way
through the lyrics as a "majestic" string section backs him up. Everything about this song is terrible, above all the fact that it stuck in my head for weeks. UGH. I want to shoot Aerosmith.
3. "Story of a Girl"---Nine Days. The first word in "rock and roll" is "rock," which implies something hard, possibly heavy, and at least with an edge to it. However, of all the hideous, sentimental, Dawson’s Creek alterna-pop of the early 00s, this was by far the worst. This piece of crap made “Everything You Want” by Vertical Horizon sound like “Ace of Spades" by Motorhead. The opening line of this song is “This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world.” Wow. I could have sworn that this was supposed to be a rock song, but I guess I was wrong. These guys make matchbox20 look like Metallica. I wish someone could have killed the members of the band before this song was even written, but even that would be pretty bad because someone would surely play “Adam’s Song” by Blink 182 at their funeral. At least this song hasn't fallen into the category of "songs that lame college guys play on acoustic guitars under trees to get girls to sleep with them." I pray that day will never come.
2. "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)"---Green Day. If you graduated from high school, appeared in the cast of a TV show whose run was coming to an end, or went to a teenager’s funeral in the late 90s, I don’t have to explain how bad this song is. Bland, sappy, and boring, this song sucks the life out of any room or party. It is a pathetic attempt at being ironic, and even that message was lost on the millions of idiots who bought the album. The majority of those people were probably also very surprised to find that the other songs on the album featured electric guitars and lack of pussitude. This "ballad" broke the mold for lameness. It, like other songs on the list has become a joke in and of itself, with even the first few notes inducing laughter. Sounding nothing like Green Day, it is the grandaddy of the types of songs discussed in my number 1 choice for worst song ever.
1.. "Beverly Hills"--Weezer. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a big Weezer fan. But, this atrocious piece of garbage makes me wish I was born without ears. It is so bad, that it is far and away the worst track on the abismal "Make Believe" album, which is a feat in and of itself. This song takes the riff from "I love Rock and Roll," recycles the bassline from the band's brilliant "El Scorcho," and let's a small boy with ADD play with a talkbox, then records the results. This is all bad enough, now let's get to the lyrics. Millionaire frontman Rivers Cuomo sounds like a 13-year old who pretends to be suicidal to get attention. He whines about how preppy girls don't like him. He whines about how lame he is. He whines that his clothes aren't cool. SHUT THE HELL UP. No one cares. I am filled with rage as I write this post, because I am thinking about how I waited years for Weezer's follow-up to "Maladroit," and this was the best they could do???? Everything about this song is misguided and pathetic. Weezer used to be the poster boys for fun, tongue-in-cheek rock, mixing The Cars and Cheap Trick with the Pixies. Then this song. This song sells out hard to cash in on the era of Laguna Beach and the OC. This song is so pathetic and weak that as Dr. David Thorpe would say, "it would even be selling out if the Pussycat Dolls had performed it instead of Weezer." This is far and away the worst song I have ever heard, and is an embarassment to a great band. It is a lazy attempt to make some money, a betrayal to its fans, and represents everything that is wrong with music.
Tomorrow's blog will deal with the most OVERPLAYED songs. These are songs that are good but have oversatured society to the point that no one wants to hear them anymore.
Peace Love and Understanding
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