What type of driver are you? Pt. 2 and Some Driving Tips

So here we go. More driver profiles. As I stated in my last post, these profiles are here for your benefit, whether you fit one or just want to be a more aware driver, these descriptions are like you road map for driving...but not like the road map you use for driving, but rather a road map, used, for the action of driving.

So without further harumph, here are more driver types:

3. The Very Important Businessman


Sphere of Awareness: limited to his cellphone or headset, and the initial 10 feet in front of his car.
Chance of Encounter: Very high
Average speed: Obscenely fast
Driving style: Reckless and dangerous

Description:The Very Important Businessman, due primarily to his high rate of speed, is a very hostile creature. They usually drive expensive German vehicles or fancy SUVs at velocities up to 200 miles an hour (in the Metric system that's 984.12 micrograms per cubical). The Very Important Businessman suffers from "Me Syndrome", a disease which convinces him that he's the only person that exists in the world. This flaw results in The Very Important Businessman devoting absolutely no attention to the safety of others or the effect his erratic driving may have on them. As far as he's concerned, all other vehicles are simply large metallic paperweights that are trying to slow him down and keep him from getting to the golf course for his scheduled tee time. Unfortunately, the only known cure for "Me Syndrome" is death (either yours or his). The Very Important Businessman has a short temper and likes to scream at cars around him, so next time you see one, insult the Republican party and watch the sparks fly!

4. Mr. Midlife Crisis

Sphere of Awareness: limited to anything shiny
Chances of Encounter: Below average
Average speed: Fast enough to make other drivers notice, but not too fast to be reckless
Driving style: Very safe

Description: While Mr. Mid-life Crisis may at first appear to belong the the species of The Very Important Businessman, a closer inspection will reveal distinct separations between the two. The most striking difference revolves around the tendency for Mr. Mid-life Crisis to own a convertible or some type of car which has a removable roof. While The Very Important Businessman may own a similar car, Mr. Mid-life Crisis will be the only one to actually have the roof off. Scientists believe this is because they want to feel the wind breeze through their newly-implanted hair, or perhaps let the sun tan their cosmetically-altered faces. Mr. Mid-life Crisis, due to his dramatically shrinking penis size and the realization that his life is a hollow shell of failure and wasted lies, has a tendency to overcompensate for his shortcomings by purchasing things which will make him look younger and more appealing to women who are attracted to embarrassingly stupid looking middle-aged men. You will often see them wearing brightly colored Polo shirts, khaki pants, and whatever sunglasses were recently featured on a "hip" action movie. Surveys have shown that over 87% of these people have customized license plates, the most popular ones reading:

1) 2fast4U
2) ZOOOOM
3) CYA

They are often seen traveling at high speeds from the local mall (where they bought a nine gallon jug of cologne). Although they do go very fast, they are often harmless, as they hate to cause damage to the vehicle they just spend half their life savings on (the other half spent on designer sunglasses). Women aged 18-30 may receive uncomforting looks from this species and should NEVER make eye contact, as this could result in the knowledge that a little Viagra-enhanced part of his body is rising to attention.

5. Little Miss White College Party Girl

Sphere of Awareness: Zilch
Chances of encounter: Can range from extremely high to rarely
Average speed: Unnecessarily fast
Driving style: Aggressively terrible

Description: Exposure to numerous alcohol-induced frat parties and Dave Matthew's Band concerts have left Little Miss White College Prettygirl with one of the smallest Spheres of Awareness possible, limited to whatever's happening in her severely damaged brain. Although this alone makes her very dangerous, the mere fact that she did not pay for her own car or auto insurance nearly doubles the aggressiveness of her driving. If she wrecks daddy's Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer into the side of a Gap, she can just go get a new one on her Visa Triple Platinum credit card. An effective technique to lure away Little Miss White College Prettygirl is to call up her cellphone claiming to be "Stacy" and asking why she's not at the important rush meeting. This will cause her vehicle to come to a screeching halt and immediately turn around, hopefully resulting in a tanker trailer full of Hydrocyanic acid to collide and dump its contents all over her tanning booth enhanced face (containing no more than 45% medical implants and cosmetic enhancements). Exercise extreme caution.


Hopefully this has been a help to you. Now, as an added bonus, here is a handy field guide to some helpful tips while driving:

• Never stop moving. Stopping is considered a sign of weakness and will allow the larger, more aggressive cars to gang up and bully you around. Your car should always be in motion. If, in some bizarre situation you cannot physically move forward at all, you should shift into reverse and slowly go backwards until there's enough room for you to inch forward again. If you cannot move backwards, you should flee from your vehicle and carjack somebody else in the other lane.
• Tailing people makes them go faster. If the dimwitted, idiotic waste of skin in front of you doesn't feel the pressing need to floor their accelerator in a school zone, it is your God-given right to get as close as humanly possible to their rear bumper. This will set off their car's "Go Faster Detector" and cause them to increase their speed by at least 30 miles an hour. If you want their Go Faster Detector to work even quicker, throw your arms in their air and say, "for God's sake, move it!"

• The horn is the most essential part of your vehicle. It lets everybody around you know that you do, in fact, have a functioning car horn which can sporadically emit loud, piercing noises. The horn should be used in the following cases:

You want somebody to speed up.
You want somebody to slow down.
You're angry.
You're happy.
You're alive.
You weren't sure if your horn was working.
The sky is blue (or any other color).

• Talking on your cellphone is strongly encouraged. You look "cool" if you're chatting away on your phone while changing radio stations, eating a sandwich, and playing a particularly heated game of Solitaire on your Palm Pilot. This makes you look like a veteran, experienced driver who just came back from competing in the Indy 500 or flying secret experimental government spaceships. People will remember you as being the ultimate commuter when they read about your charred, decapitated corpse in the next day's newspaper.

• People will understand if you're in a hurry. If you really need to get somewhere fast, it is perfectly acceptable to make a right hand turn from the left lane, drive through 50 consecutive stop signs, and cut off the busload of orphans who are on their way to church. Your Sphere of Awareness should be inversely proportional to the speed you're going; the faster you go, the less you should care about the people around you. Flashing your bright lights on and off repeatedly is the universal sign that you're in a hurry. It also means you're a real asshole.

• If you get in a car accident and your door is critically damaged, don't be afraid to replace it with a different colored door from another vehicleI. This shows the rest of the world that you are a rebel and are denouncing their fascist, materialistic values. If you are rear-ended, feel free to tie the trunk to your bumper with some rope you found wrapped around a bale of hay. If your windows are damaged or smashed in, replace them with garbage bags or lots of Saran Wrap. In the unfortunate chance your tire blows out, replace it with a spare and use it until it blows out. Then abandon the car alongside the highway.

That's all for today...stay safe on the road!


Peace Love and Understanding