Your Basic Guitar Hero Player Profiles

Guitar Hero seems to be the game of choice for parties, killing time, and making custom videos for YouTube. However, not all players are the same. Therefore, what I hope to do here is present the various types of people who play Guitar Hero and their level of skill.


1. Average White Guy Type 1

Difficulty: Very Easy

Special Moves: Messing up a lot, swearing, sweating, asking to start over

This is your typical run of the mill white guy, age 14-35, little to no experience playing the game or playing a guitar or doing anything in an coordinated fashion. He usually waits until most people have cleared out of the room or are too occupied/drunk to notice him playing. However, he is a persistent little guy, and will keep this up until he is at least good enough to play with people without breaking into a sweat. You can defeat a Type 1 very easily especially if you are intimidating.

2. Average White Guy Type 2

Difficulty: Easy

Special Moves: none, really

This guy isn't too different from Type 1, except for the fact that he has played with a small group of his buddies to practice, so he isn't completely incompetent. However, like Type1, his skill level will really only plateau and not increase all that significantly, namely, he won't have to look at the guitar neck to make sure his fingers are in the right spot. To overcome this adversary, you must psych him out. Point to a girl, and tell him that she was impressed by his Guitar-Heroing. Ideally, this should be a girl you don't know and would never want to talk to. He will eventually confront her about this and get crushed, leading you to an easy victory. Bonus point: Girl will get eternally creeped out.


3. Girly Girls

Difficulty: Surprisingly Medium

Special Moves: Being really concentrated/loud and annoying

This player never takes up GH on their own; rather, they learn it from either Average White Guy 1 or 2 in an effort to impress them, or from their brother when he isn't out working at Pizza Hut. She will do everything in the most feminine way possible, from the way she holds the "guitar" to the way she memorizes all the song lyrics so she can sing along as she plays. While she has roughly a fifty percent chance of being attractive, she has a one hundred percent chance of being irritating and deserving of blows to the head and body area. The only way to defeat her is to become hyper-masculine: sweat a lot, yell, do some "rock n roll maneuvers" and generally try to intimidate her. If this doesn't work, tell her she looks fat.

4. Big, Scary/ Goofy guy who is surprisingly awesome

Difficulty: High

Special Move: anything uncharacteristic to a big, scary man

This player will stroll up to the TV with a thud or crash, depending on what or whom gets knocked over. What is this ogre doing? Is he here to rob you, beat you to a pulp, and rape the world's helpless? No, actually he is here at the party for a rousing game of Guitar Hero!! His greasy hair and shaggy beard are enough to distract and scare even the most seasoned and intrepid players. As long as you don't make eye-contact, you should be fine. Show him you don't have any fear by wearing a shirt featuring the logo of that cool company, "No Fear"

5. Flamboyant Gay Guys

Difficulty: Medium

Special Move: Being sassy

These players tend to love playing any hair-metal songs or power ballads from the 80's because they "are soo ironic, LOL!" Do not be lulled into a false sense of security though, as these players have become fairly competitive from playing at parties with their female friends. Therefore, go in as you would against any other player. The biggest obstacle is the tremendous ordeal of actually playing against them. Whether you win or lose, you run the risk of being slapped on the ass or called "Honey," since your opponent will most likely easily spot your overwhelming insecurities and exploit them. Try to stay focused and let everyone know you are secure in your masculinity, and you'll be set.

6. Actual Guitarist

Difficulty: Hard

Special Move: Making sure everyone knows that they play guitar

These players are naturally drawn to Guitar Hero, but want to make sure everyone knows that playing an actual guitar is much harder, and that they should have no problem with this silly game. Often times, they are not really all that good at the game, but the sheer fact that they play guitar is enough to get the best of many opponents. Just try not talking to them, and just playing the game in the most technical and non-rockstar way possible. This way, if you win, you don't run the risk of having them bitch about how you were pretending to play guitar or anything like that.

7. Video Game Nerds

Difficulty: Very Hard

Special Moves: Doing everything without looking, memorizing each song, telling you how far they have gotten on "expert," only recognizing the songs in other areas of life because they are "from" Guitar Hero and not actually knowing who Cheap Trick or Danzig actually are.

These players can be incredibly frustrating to play against. They can be recognized by their Hawaiian or "ironic" t-shirts and general lack of social skills. They will be at this party because they heard that Guitar Hero would be there. But here is the deal: Not only are these payers amazing at GH, they are amazing at EVERY video game. Tekken? You're done. NBA Jam? Peace. Any and all drivings games? Don;t bother. That one game where you stick your head in it and its like you're a gunner in a warzone or something, and then you spin all around and your friends laugh at you? Yeah they're pretty good at that one, too. And here's another thing: where the average person likes GH because they can be silly and pretend to be a rockstar, this guy plays it because he HAS to. It's a video game after all, and he needs to master it just like every other one. The best strategy would be to talk about beating some game you made up that all the critics LOVE, but that hasn't caught on in America. This will get him distracted long enough for you to beat him.


There ya go. Now play carefully!!


Peace Love and Understanding