BACK UP AND RUNNING/ No Animal Attacks! Pt. 1

Ah, it's good to be back writing again!

Since your old pal John loves the outdoors, I thought I would put together a guide for you on how to avoid getting attacked by nasty animals! I have divided up the animals by attack type, and have included some nifty strategies to keep nature the way it was intended---for humans only!!

Step 1: Make Yourself a Bad Target

The best and easiest way to not get attacked in the wild is to make the animal not want to get you in the first place. Animals are exactly like humans in the sense that they will not attack someone unless they have something they want, or can obviously kick their ass. However, keeping these animals away is not as simple as doing some reps, drinking protein shakes, or walking around on stilts covered in tiger urine. What follows is a list of how to ward off each type of attacker:

Cats That Bite: Cheetahs, Pumas, Lynx, Tigers, Panthers

How to Prevent Attack: Cats that bite are usually very insecure. They bite because they want to prove to their friends and to you that they are really macho. The best way to prevent an attack therefore is to show them that you aren't a threat to their masculinity. You can do this by wearing a shirt featuring a biting cat such as a panther or lion, and wearing a foam hand that says "#1" on it. Then yell "woooooo" right in the cat's face. This should do the trick. If this doesn't work, it may be because you are carrying some food that the cat likes. The next time you go to the woods, leave behind your cheese wheels, bowls of milk, fish on a string, plush animals, or hunks of human flesh.


Animals that Stomp: Elephants, hippopotamuses, rhinoceroses, Israeli bulldozers, buffalo herds, rolling boulders.

How To Prevent Attack: You can tell a stomping thing by it's uncanny ability to run fast and crush stuff with its massive body. They are often keenly intelligent and have an insatiable lust for human blood. Luckily they also have a number of deep-rooted phobias that can be used to make you an unacceptable choice of prey. It's widely known that elephants are afraid of mice, so construct a suit of live mice by covering a pair of overalls in hot glue and then rolling in a pit full of mice. Those pesky elephants will keep their distance. Hippos are supposedly fearless, but research we conducted seems to indicate that they are in fact afraid of massive explosions. Luckily the Far East provides us with a solution in the form of the martyr vest, a convenient contraption designed with pouches for plastic explosives. Works great with hot glue and mice! Where there's smoke there's fire, and nothing persuades a charging rhino to change direction like a raging inferno. Since fire can be hazardous to your health we advise a mobile pyrotechnics display as opposed to the more convenient but more painful self-immolation. Nothing stops an Israeli bulldozer like giant bags of money, buffalo herds can be put to rest with hypnotism, and rolling boulders are just unstoppable. Sorry.


TOMORROW: VENOM, AND UNDERWATER ATTACKS!