How to Get a Good Job

In this fast-paced world of industry, technology, and sociology majors living on peanut butter sandwiches in their parents' basement while buying gas with money they get from donating blood, everyone is searching for the perfect job. You may be asking yourself: "John, I applied for jobs, get called in for interviews and I never get called back! I did everything: I wore the finest clothes, spoke of my knowledge and expertise, and wore that Target brand cologne to cover up the smell of salami! What more can I do?



Well, it's actually quite easy. The key to nailing an interview is the quality of your resume. How do you make a grade-A resume? All you have to do is follow these easy steps!


Now, we all know that everyone lies on their resume---in fact, companies have come to expect this. The trick is to create awesome lies that will separate you from the other ham-fisted galoots out there looking for jobs. The following "embellishments" should spice up your resume enough to land you the job.

• By taking certain "liberties" with your previous job titles, you can spice up your otherwise boring work experience. For example, "Hot Dog Vendor" can easily become "Processed Meat Distribution Manager." "High School Janitor" can become "Hazardous Waste Removal Agent."
  
• Lie about your name. Think about a name Bruce Willis would have in one of his kick-ass "sweaty guy who shoots like 10,000 terrorists" movies. Some good choices might include "Buff McMuscles," "Stone Breaker, Jr." " "Danger Steele" "Dan Everhard" "Ace Jackson" or "Beau McGonnical." If anyone hassles you about why the name on your Social Security card doesn't match up, throw hot coffee in their face and run. (Remember, always bring a Thermos of some sort of hot liquid to a job interview for just such emergencies).
• Try to do anything to connect to your potential employer. One example might be: "Oh your dad is Ted Johnson? That's MY dad too!!"

The next step is to show your potential boss what a great worker you are, and what a can-do attittude you have! Throw in some colorful descriptions of yourself! Feel free to use (or scream) any of the following phrases at any point in your interview to show the person how spontaneous and motivated you are:

• Have you ever seen "Alligator: The Movie pt. 2"? I was the fifth guy to get eaten in that one scene where the alligator eats those people.
• I am the only person in the county to be fired from every mini-golf course and/or family-fun center.
• I find it difficult to keep a permenant residence.
• If I ever found a needle lying on the ground, I would pick it up and jam it into my arm. I hope that shows you what a dedicated worker I am, and the kind of 'can-do' attittude I bring to the workplace.
• It's not sweat, it's mucus.
• Clowns used to scare me, until I murdered a group of them while the carnival was closing. Now I am not afraid anymore. I think maybe that is a skill that could transfer over to the work environment.

Also, make sure to add a ton of clipart to your resume to give it some visual flair. It also shows your boss that you have sophisticated "computer know-how." The best ones to use are the pictures of birthday presents, people dancing, or possibly that one with the lumberjack.


Next time: how to dress!!

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