Just What the Heck is Attacking you?
Oh no! all that careful to avoid an attack didn't work, and now you find yourself in the clutches of an attacking predator. The reason for the attack isn't that important, what is important is judging how to escape, and your escape plan is based entirely on what type of animal is coming after you, be it a deep-sea eagle or Mexican Fighting Tree, you will need to get an ID before making your next move, and here is a helpful pocket guide of various attackers:
1. Cheetahs: a big cat that often smells like personal lubricant
2. Koalas: Vicious beats, these little creatures can be picked out for their constant whistling of racist Confederate songs
3. Juice Tigers: Tigers that make a whirring sound and smell like fresh fruits and vegetables.
4. Hideous Gargantuan Deep-Sea Squids: These monsters from the deep are always accompanied by the music from Super Mario Bros. 3
5. Various Types of Eagles: Identified by the smell of burning hair which is a result of their poor teleportation technology.
6. Orangutans: If you sense wacky happenings or kooky goings-on in your immediate vicinity that's a good sign that an orangutan attack is already underway.
If you don't see any of these signs, just try asking the animal what it is. If they don't respond, just assume its an eagle of some type.
Tomorrow you find out what to do!
Peace Love and Understanding
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
No Animal Attacks! Pt. 2
We left off yesterday describing how to make yourself a bad target for various types of animal attacks. So, with no further ado, let's continue!
Venomous Villains: scorpions, spiders, chemical factories, various types of eagles
How to Prevent Attack: Having lethal venom running through your body is kind of like being perpetually drunk, like drunks, these animals tend to swagger, brag, and be violent. And like drunks, these animals have no real agenda, they are just out to have fun and cause trouble. The only way to foil their rabble-rousing lifestyle is with extreme boredom. If you are about to be attacked by one of these creatures, covered yourself in dozens of rolls of duct tape or completely tangled coils of rope. You can also leave clues to your location in the form of complex riddles, in case one of these animals is following you.
Aquatic Adversaries: squids, sharks, octopi, giants squids, various types of eagles, and colossal squids
How to Prevent Attack: Nothing ruins a peaceful trip into the woods like some sort of sea creature attacking you. It's really a downer when you set up your campsite, and suddenly a giant squid emerges from an oceanic trench and crushing your tent in its wheelbarrow-sized beak. The only way you can discourage aquatic predators is to make them think that you're one of them. Construct a massive fake squid shell using a large vehicle as the base. I suggest using hoops of lightweight wood bound together and then covered with a shell of papier-mâché that has been painted bright red. Then cover this layer of paint with organic or electronic photophores that simulate the complex color changing ability of squid. Link all of this to a complex computer-controlled system so that if you are approached by a squid you can convince it not to attempt to mate with you.
How will you know what it is that is attacking you? Find out tomorrow!
Peace Love and Understanding
Venomous Villains: scorpions, spiders, chemical factories, various types of eagles
How to Prevent Attack: Having lethal venom running through your body is kind of like being perpetually drunk, like drunks, these animals tend to swagger, brag, and be violent. And like drunks, these animals have no real agenda, they are just out to have fun and cause trouble. The only way to foil their rabble-rousing lifestyle is with extreme boredom. If you are about to be attacked by one of these creatures, covered yourself in dozens of rolls of duct tape or completely tangled coils of rope. You can also leave clues to your location in the form of complex riddles, in case one of these animals is following you.
Aquatic Adversaries: squids, sharks, octopi, giants squids, various types of eagles, and colossal squids
How to Prevent Attack: Nothing ruins a peaceful trip into the woods like some sort of sea creature attacking you. It's really a downer when you set up your campsite, and suddenly a giant squid emerges from an oceanic trench and crushing your tent in its wheelbarrow-sized beak. The only way you can discourage aquatic predators is to make them think that you're one of them. Construct a massive fake squid shell using a large vehicle as the base. I suggest using hoops of lightweight wood bound together and then covered with a shell of papier-mâché that has been painted bright red. Then cover this layer of paint with organic or electronic photophores that simulate the complex color changing ability of squid. Link all of this to a complex computer-controlled system so that if you are approached by a squid you can convince it not to attempt to mate with you.
How will you know what it is that is attacking you? Find out tomorrow!
Peace Love and Understanding
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
BACK UP AND RUNNING/ No Animal Attacks! Pt. 1
Ah, it's good to be back writing again!
Since your old pal John loves the outdoors, I thought I would put together a guide for you on how to avoid getting attacked by nasty animals! I have divided up the animals by attack type, and have included some nifty strategies to keep nature the way it was intended---for humans only!!
Step 1: Make Yourself a Bad Target
The best and easiest way to not get attacked in the wild is to make the animal not want to get you in the first place. Animals are exactly like humans in the sense that they will not attack someone unless they have something they want, or can obviously kick their ass. However, keeping these animals away is not as simple as doing some reps, drinking protein shakes, or walking around on stilts covered in tiger urine. What follows is a list of how to ward off each type of attacker:
Cats That Bite: Cheetahs, Pumas, Lynx, Tigers, Panthers
How to Prevent Attack: Cats that bite are usually very insecure. They bite because they want to prove to their friends and to you that they are really macho. The best way to prevent an attack therefore is to show them that you aren't a threat to their masculinity. You can do this by wearing a shirt featuring a biting cat such as a panther or lion, and wearing a foam hand that says "#1" on it. Then yell "woooooo" right in the cat's face. This should do the trick. If this doesn't work, it may be because you are carrying some food that the cat likes. The next time you go to the woods, leave behind your cheese wheels, bowls of milk, fish on a string, plush animals, or hunks of human flesh.
Animals that Stomp: Elephants, hippopotamuses, rhinoceroses, Israeli bulldozers, buffalo herds, rolling boulders.
How To Prevent Attack: You can tell a stomping thing by it's uncanny ability to run fast and crush stuff with its massive body. They are often keenly intelligent and have an insatiable lust for human blood. Luckily they also have a number of deep-rooted phobias that can be used to make you an unacceptable choice of prey. It's widely known that elephants are afraid of mice, so construct a suit of live mice by covering a pair of overalls in hot glue and then rolling in a pit full of mice. Those pesky elephants will keep their distance. Hippos are supposedly fearless, but research we conducted seems to indicate that they are in fact afraid of massive explosions. Luckily the Far East provides us with a solution in the form of the martyr vest, a convenient contraption designed with pouches for plastic explosives. Works great with hot glue and mice! Where there's smoke there's fire, and nothing persuades a charging rhino to change direction like a raging inferno. Since fire can be hazardous to your health we advise a mobile pyrotechnics display as opposed to the more convenient but more painful self-immolation. Nothing stops an Israeli bulldozer like giant bags of money, buffalo herds can be put to rest with hypnotism, and rolling boulders are just unstoppable. Sorry.
TOMORROW: VENOM, AND UNDERWATER ATTACKS!
Since your old pal John loves the outdoors, I thought I would put together a guide for you on how to avoid getting attacked by nasty animals! I have divided up the animals by attack type, and have included some nifty strategies to keep nature the way it was intended---for humans only!!
Step 1: Make Yourself a Bad Target
The best and easiest way to not get attacked in the wild is to make the animal not want to get you in the first place. Animals are exactly like humans in the sense that they will not attack someone unless they have something they want, or can obviously kick their ass. However, keeping these animals away is not as simple as doing some reps, drinking protein shakes, or walking around on stilts covered in tiger urine. What follows is a list of how to ward off each type of attacker:
Cats That Bite: Cheetahs, Pumas, Lynx, Tigers, Panthers
How to Prevent Attack: Cats that bite are usually very insecure. They bite because they want to prove to their friends and to you that they are really macho. The best way to prevent an attack therefore is to show them that you aren't a threat to their masculinity. You can do this by wearing a shirt featuring a biting cat such as a panther or lion, and wearing a foam hand that says "#1" on it. Then yell "woooooo" right in the cat's face. This should do the trick. If this doesn't work, it may be because you are carrying some food that the cat likes. The next time you go to the woods, leave behind your cheese wheels, bowls of milk, fish on a string, plush animals, or hunks of human flesh.
Animals that Stomp: Elephants, hippopotamuses, rhinoceroses, Israeli bulldozers, buffalo herds, rolling boulders.
How To Prevent Attack: You can tell a stomping thing by it's uncanny ability to run fast and crush stuff with its massive body. They are often keenly intelligent and have an insatiable lust for human blood. Luckily they also have a number of deep-rooted phobias that can be used to make you an unacceptable choice of prey. It's widely known that elephants are afraid of mice, so construct a suit of live mice by covering a pair of overalls in hot glue and then rolling in a pit full of mice. Those pesky elephants will keep their distance. Hippos are supposedly fearless, but research we conducted seems to indicate that they are in fact afraid of massive explosions. Luckily the Far East provides us with a solution in the form of the martyr vest, a convenient contraption designed with pouches for plastic explosives. Works great with hot glue and mice! Where there's smoke there's fire, and nothing persuades a charging rhino to change direction like a raging inferno. Since fire can be hazardous to your health we advise a mobile pyrotechnics display as opposed to the more convenient but more painful self-immolation. Nothing stops an Israeli bulldozer like giant bags of money, buffalo herds can be put to rest with hypnotism, and rolling boulders are just unstoppable. Sorry.
TOMORROW: VENOM, AND UNDERWATER ATTACKS!
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