Continuing my field guide on monster combat I present three more monsters that you will be even more likely to encounter in your everyday life:
3. Vampires:
Overview: Vampires are immortal denizens of the night that have contracted a vampirous disease from other vampires. They are usually swishing and effeminate, and love calling attention to themselves. Do not be confused however: contrary to popular belief, vampires are very different from Theater majors at a liberal arts school, since Theater majors are often seen in front of mirrors. Vampires crave blood, but unlike their wolf counterparts, they are a bit more subtle in their pursuit of a victim. They often wear mesh tanktops, leather pants or chaps, and a bejeweled codpiece. They are usually quite thing, except the rare Bear Vampire, who is generally quite hairy and portly, and wears leather vests and rubber cowboy boots.
Danger Posed: Modern vampires usually gather in their special vampire clubs for rituals and so forth. Therefore, make sure at night you avoid the vampire district of town, because they will be intoxicated with blood and hunt you down. Fangs to the neck hurt a ton, so you want to wear a steel turtleneck or something like that. There have been many notable vampire hunters in our society over the last twenty years to protect us from this threat, but Congress has since declared the harassment and hunting of vampires as a hate crime.
Defeating Vampires: It is relatively easy to kill a vampire who is attacking you: either cut their head off, or drive a wooden stake through their heart. The only bad side effect is the smoking puddle of goo they will make on the ground. Therefore, make sure you aren't killing vampires on a rug you care about. Another option is to get them into sunlight. to which they are deathly allergic. However, since not all of us can control the sun, this may be less feasible.
4. Giants:
Overview: It is right there in the name: these beings are just plain huge. They are usually about ten times the height and strength of the average humans, except the giants who are about 300 times the size of humans. There are several types of giant: First, there is the misunderstood hill-dweller who steals livestock and destroys property during the night, just trying to survive. Then, there is the elusive Cyclops, and the not so massive but exceedingly aggressive Minotaur. Giants are not often known to eat humans, unless they are starving or really pissed at a village of townsfolk. The reported cases of friendly giants are so few and far-between, that they should be ignored completely...assume that a giant will do you harm if you encounter one.
Danger Posed: They can smash stuff. Also, since the urban sprawl of the later 20th century, the quaint agrarian societies formed by giants have been impeded upon by housing developments and shopping centers, causing giants to become even more aggravated and surly. Law enforcement should therefore shoot anyone over 6-4 that they encounter in the streets.
Defeating Giants: Stalk them to find out their routine and then figure out a time to ambush them. One great thing about being human is the uncanny ability to figure out how to make stuff explode. Therefore, blow something up when the giant least expects it. Make sure to do something with the body, because the hot sun will make that thing stink up the whole countryside.
5. Firemen
Overview: These supposed protectors of our homes and property are actually sorcerers who control the precious gift of fire. Their true faces are hideous, but they cover them with rugged and confident masks. They congregate at "fire departments" where they conduct experiments. They are able to produce flames from their hands and eyes, and walk through walls
Danger Posed: They have infiltrated every facet of our society, and many have taken mates from our human society. While they live their day to day lives often pretending to fight the very fires they create, they are actually working together in some bizarre scheme for world domination. If confronted firemen are prone to react violently by using their powers to attack you. Almost no mortal man could hope to be a match for their deviltry so it is suggested that you either keep your distance or come well prepared.
Defeating Firemen: In an ironic twist, the weapons which will help you defeat a Fireman are the ones that they keep close at hand. High pressure hoses, fire extinguishers, non-flammable foam, and even buckets of water are all very effective weapons when doing battle with a Fireman. Don't believe their lies about being hardworking American heroes either. They'll try to lure you into letting your guard down with pathetic pleas to stop, but the proof is in the smear of bubbling pudding they leave behind after you've banished them back to the netherworld.
Peace Love and Understanding
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
How To Defeat Various Monsters Part 1
In my life I have learned a thing or two about survival. However, the threats of failing classes or dealing with jerks pale in comparison to the threat of crazed monsters. These creatures pose a very imaginary yet real danger. Therefore, I have prepared a field guide in order for you to more readily recognize and defeat a monster attacker.
1. The Werewolf:
Overview: This monster is essentially a man-wolf, the creation of which can vary. It is still unknown how werewolves come to being; whether they have some genetic disease or a simple gypsy curse is still being debated by scientists. But, what we do know is that werewolves become werewolves during a full moon. If someone gets all sweaty and tells you to tie them up because a full moon is coming, you should probably do so.
Danger: Werewolves are really dangerous, and this is a fact. After transformation, they no longer exist in human form, and revert to animal instincts. Therefore, they will essentially eat the closest thing to them that has a pulse. Therefore, if you suspect a friend or neighbor may be a werewolf, it may be a good idea to keep some goats or sheep on hand, just in case. They like goats. A lot.
Defeating Werewolves: The first thing you need to remember when tangling with a werewolf is that as big, strong, and toothy as they may be, they are not really much smarter than your average household pet. One of the easiest ways to frighten them off is by screaming "no!" or "bad!" and menacing them with a rolled up newspaper or shoe. Sometimes the werewolf's common dog sense might be overwhelmed by its need to eat your skull, in which case brute force is the only method that works. Tractors are excellent for driving over werewolves, as are steam rollers and 18 wheelers. Make sure to buy these at the same place you bought the goats. Werewolves can be dodgy so be prepared to use throwing knives or some sort of improvised machete to immobilize them before running them down.
2. Ghosts:
Overview: Most people believe that when we die, we ascend to a bed of clouds, where we feast at banquets at long tables with rock stars and athletes. However, sometimes the dead aren't content doing this. Sometimes they return to Earth and hang out in abandoned houses, emerging from walls when burnout college students come poking around to take "artsy" photographs and/or get high. Ghosts can take on many forms, so it is important to try and track them. However, since tracking devices will merely pass through a ghost's body, you must try to carve something in them with a magic dagger that you must buy from the guy who sold you the goats and steamroller. To trap the ghost, you must make one of those chalked doorways like in that one episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
Danger: Ghosts cause no physical danger, per se, outside of the common instance of people getting spooked by the ghost's wacky antics and running in place while exasperated. They will be a general annoyance to you, causing books to levitate and fly everywhere, as if they own them. They will bleed out of your electrical sockets, causing them to be useless, or making your blender or lights to go on and off, running up your bills. On top of this, if you think it's awkward changing in front of your cat, try doing it with the ghost of an Indian warrior staring at you, pointing at you accusingly while you change.
Defeating Ghosts: Ghosts have no physical presence so they can't be defeated in the traditional sense, but they can be forced to leave your area with a disciplined regimen of ghost one-upmanship. Watch your ghost's behavior and carefully record its various methods of trying to frighten you. Once you feel you have a pretty complete list it's time to start showing the ghost how things are done. If it's levitating furniture then you need to build a device that shoots furniture at high velocity around the room. Does that son of a bitch make the walls ooze blood? Time to hook up some high-pressure pipes to wall spigots and fire massive columns of blood out of the walls! Don't forget about the moaning, a couple crying babies, a staple gun, and a few police megaphones and you have a room of horrors to put even the moaniest ghost to shame. Do these things and any others that would trump your phantasmal friend and before you know it he'll be heading on to greener and less emasculating pastures.
Tomorrow: Vampires, Giants, and more!
Peace Love and Understanding
1. The Werewolf:
Overview: This monster is essentially a man-wolf, the creation of which can vary. It is still unknown how werewolves come to being; whether they have some genetic disease or a simple gypsy curse is still being debated by scientists. But, what we do know is that werewolves become werewolves during a full moon. If someone gets all sweaty and tells you to tie them up because a full moon is coming, you should probably do so.
Danger: Werewolves are really dangerous, and this is a fact. After transformation, they no longer exist in human form, and revert to animal instincts. Therefore, they will essentially eat the closest thing to them that has a pulse. Therefore, if you suspect a friend or neighbor may be a werewolf, it may be a good idea to keep some goats or sheep on hand, just in case. They like goats. A lot.
Defeating Werewolves: The first thing you need to remember when tangling with a werewolf is that as big, strong, and toothy as they may be, they are not really much smarter than your average household pet. One of the easiest ways to frighten them off is by screaming "no!" or "bad!" and menacing them with a rolled up newspaper or shoe. Sometimes the werewolf's common dog sense might be overwhelmed by its need to eat your skull, in which case brute force is the only method that works. Tractors are excellent for driving over werewolves, as are steam rollers and 18 wheelers. Make sure to buy these at the same place you bought the goats. Werewolves can be dodgy so be prepared to use throwing knives or some sort of improvised machete to immobilize them before running them down.
2. Ghosts:
Overview: Most people believe that when we die, we ascend to a bed of clouds, where we feast at banquets at long tables with rock stars and athletes. However, sometimes the dead aren't content doing this. Sometimes they return to Earth and hang out in abandoned houses, emerging from walls when burnout college students come poking around to take "artsy" photographs and/or get high. Ghosts can take on many forms, so it is important to try and track them. However, since tracking devices will merely pass through a ghost's body, you must try to carve something in them with a magic dagger that you must buy from the guy who sold you the goats and steamroller. To trap the ghost, you must make one of those chalked doorways like in that one episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
Danger: Ghosts cause no physical danger, per se, outside of the common instance of people getting spooked by the ghost's wacky antics and running in place while exasperated. They will be a general annoyance to you, causing books to levitate and fly everywhere, as if they own them. They will bleed out of your electrical sockets, causing them to be useless, or making your blender or lights to go on and off, running up your bills. On top of this, if you think it's awkward changing in front of your cat, try doing it with the ghost of an Indian warrior staring at you, pointing at you accusingly while you change.
Defeating Ghosts: Ghosts have no physical presence so they can't be defeated in the traditional sense, but they can be forced to leave your area with a disciplined regimen of ghost one-upmanship. Watch your ghost's behavior and carefully record its various methods of trying to frighten you. Once you feel you have a pretty complete list it's time to start showing the ghost how things are done. If it's levitating furniture then you need to build a device that shoots furniture at high velocity around the room. Does that son of a bitch make the walls ooze blood? Time to hook up some high-pressure pipes to wall spigots and fire massive columns of blood out of the walls! Don't forget about the moaning, a couple crying babies, a staple gun, and a few police megaphones and you have a room of horrors to put even the moaniest ghost to shame. Do these things and any others that would trump your phantasmal friend and before you know it he'll be heading on to greener and less emasculating pastures.
Tomorrow: Vampires, Giants, and more!
Peace Love and Understanding
Friday, November 2, 2007
A Gentleman's Guide to Proper Reactions
I'm sure people are always telling you to look on the "bright side" of life when things go wrong. Whatever this means, it is wrong. Sometimes bad things happen. Actually, MOST times bad things happen. Therefore, the best plan of action is to plan for the "worst case scenario." Anyone who has ever met me knows I often live my life in this fashion, because, heck if the worst doesn't happen, then we are all happy, right? The worst thing someone can do when faced with a precarious situation is to be a big grinning moron, a "Hey Arnold" type, if you will. You know these people: they always have a great solution for every problem, and bad news is never as bad as it seems to them. They live by mottos such as "no worries, friend!" and never seem to get upset even when subjected to some sort of atrocity. They will seemingly be oblivious to your shock and panic at their reaction. Therefore, I have prepared a chart for all of my readers. It details the appropriate pessimistic reaction one should have. Be careful to not fall into the extremes, such as optimism or extreme pessimism.
Situation 1: A friend invites you to their birthday party
Optimist: O boy! There will be cake, and the gift I give will be appreciated by the host, and I will get to talk to some people I haven't seen in ages, wheeeeee!!
Pessimist: This may suck. My friend has that annoying girlfriend who has those bitchy friends, and those lame meathead guys will be there and act like assholes. That one girl I like is gonna be there, and I'm gonna feel real uncomfortable and want to leave. The cake is gonna taste like wool, and probably have gross raspberry filling. My "hilarious" gift now seems really dumb, but it's too late to get something new.
Extreme Pessimist: The cake is gonna be made of glass and maggots, and your friend and his Satanist crew are gonna do all sorts of awful rituals. They are going to murder a hobo and sacrifice him to the demi-gods. I'll be lucky if I leave with both kidneys
Situation 2: Getting Dressed
Optimist: Man I look great! A brand new day, where anything is possible! These new threads might stop traffic, and I know all the girls will totally dig it!
Pessimist: O geez, I look like such a loser. How come I can't ever pull off the look I am going for? I look like I woke up at a bus station. Ugh I better just spray on some Febreeze and get this day underway until I can get back and shower and take a nap.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck! I have the color sense of Helen Keller. My clothes look like they were pried from the corpse of a dead hooker. I can't even get myself to walk out the door. I know cats and dogs will attack me, and people will spit on me. I would kill myself, but I'm pretty sure I'd just screw that up too.
Situation 3: Going to work/class on Monday
Optomist: Alright! I can't wait to tell everyone about my sweet weekend! I have a whole week ahead of me to have fun with my peers and coworkers. I love to be productive! I can't wait to get started on all my new assignments. I wonder what fun stuff I'll learn this week??
Pessimist: Ugh. I am behind on all my work. That weekend went by so fast, I feel like I wasted all of it. Now I have to deal with all these idiots in my class/at work. This sucks, none of my friends ever need to study and they ace everything. I think I lost my book too. I'm gonna fail. I'm probably gonna get mugged tonight walking into town. I can't wait to hear all about what my idiot friends did over their super-awesome weekend
Extreme Pessimist: I'm not even gonna bother. If I don't leave my room, nothing can maim or contuse me. I had a wet-dream about death on Sunday night, only to wake up to Monday's black eyes, staring into my soul.
Situation 4: Asking an attractive woman on a date
Optimist: O wow, that girl is pretty! She might be a bit out of my league, but I think once she sees my fun personality, she will be convinced to go on a date with me. It will be like in one of those awesome Hugh Grant movies! I bet she would appreciate an inexpensive but thoughtful gift. I think we could really hit it off! Even if we don't fall for each other, I bet she could be a great friend!
Pessimist: Wow. That girl is gorgeous. Too bad she would never ever look at me. O no, she's purposely looking away from me. She must have seen me looking. Crap! I am such an idiot. O man, well even if we hung out, I bet she's really dumb and has no personality, then I would be back at square one.
Extreme Pessimist: That girl lives to destroy men! She would lead me on, then give me some awful weird things like leaving a box of worms outside my front door. Then she'll pounce! By then I would have noticed her adam's apple, but it's too late. Ewww the things s/he would do....
Situation 5: Going to a baseball game
Optimist: Peanuts and cracker jack! Hurrah, a great afternoon out for the old national pastime. This is gonna be great. If they lose, it's ok, because we all went together! Maybe I'll catch a foul ball, or get an autograph, wouldn't that be the best?
Pessimist: The tickets are so expensive, and we can never get all of our friends on board to go. Besides, I heard it was supposed to rain today. Our team never wins, we suck. Hopefully Sammy Sosa will be there, and get hit with a foul ball in his stupid face. That is the only way it would be worthwhile. The food is terrible and overpriced, and right after I buy something, I see something else I would rather have, but I just spent 15 bucks on two hot dogs and fries. This sucks.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck. baseball game. I would rather make a notebook of graph paper by hand. The game will probably go into like 10 extra innings, and then we will get harassed by a homeless person. I also heard that terrorists were planning on attacking all baseball stadiums at some time in the next 30 years, so it's best to stay away. The chemicals in the hotdogs give me irritable bowels. I hate large crowds, because a fight might happen, and I will get involved and get a black eye and broken collar bone.
Situation 6: Buying a car
Optimist: I have a nice sensible model lined up. My credit scores are perfect, and I have a distant relative who is friends with a guy at the factory where it was made, so there is no way I am getting ripped off! It's not a Corvette, but it looks nice and can carry my friends! I love going to the dealership, and smelling all the new cars. It's so exciting there, and the salesmen really seem to be enjoying their work! Maybe I'll work with them someday, helping people find the right car for them.
Pessimist: As soon as I get within 50 yards of that dealership, they are gonna be on me like vipers. The sleazy guy named something like Rick or Steven is gonna make me sign over half of my life savings for a piece of crap. I am going to get ripped off.
Extreme Pessimist: Some guy named Keith who is so devoid of scruples, he would sell his own kids to traveling Burmese merchants for a 50 dollar commission, is gonna tackle me and force me to buy a car that has an alternator made of fudge, and when I turn on the air conditioning, wasps will fly out. When I roll down the window, the gas tank explodes, and when you hit the brake, a knife swings wildly from the wheel towards my crotch. I will pay my entire life savings for it, lose my house and family, and die alone and naked.
That's all for today. I hope you know the proper choices you are making in life from now on.
Peace Love and Understanding
Situation 1: A friend invites you to their birthday party
Optimist: O boy! There will be cake, and the gift I give will be appreciated by the host, and I will get to talk to some people I haven't seen in ages, wheeeeee!!
Pessimist: This may suck. My friend has that annoying girlfriend who has those bitchy friends, and those lame meathead guys will be there and act like assholes. That one girl I like is gonna be there, and I'm gonna feel real uncomfortable and want to leave. The cake is gonna taste like wool, and probably have gross raspberry filling. My "hilarious" gift now seems really dumb, but it's too late to get something new.
Extreme Pessimist: The cake is gonna be made of glass and maggots, and your friend and his Satanist crew are gonna do all sorts of awful rituals. They are going to murder a hobo and sacrifice him to the demi-gods. I'll be lucky if I leave with both kidneys
Situation 2: Getting Dressed
Optimist: Man I look great! A brand new day, where anything is possible! These new threads might stop traffic, and I know all the girls will totally dig it!
Pessimist: O geez, I look like such a loser. How come I can't ever pull off the look I am going for? I look like I woke up at a bus station. Ugh I better just spray on some Febreeze and get this day underway until I can get back and shower and take a nap.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck! I have the color sense of Helen Keller. My clothes look like they were pried from the corpse of a dead hooker. I can't even get myself to walk out the door. I know cats and dogs will attack me, and people will spit on me. I would kill myself, but I'm pretty sure I'd just screw that up too.
Situation 3: Going to work/class on Monday
Optomist: Alright! I can't wait to tell everyone about my sweet weekend! I have a whole week ahead of me to have fun with my peers and coworkers. I love to be productive! I can't wait to get started on all my new assignments. I wonder what fun stuff I'll learn this week??
Pessimist: Ugh. I am behind on all my work. That weekend went by so fast, I feel like I wasted all of it. Now I have to deal with all these idiots in my class/at work. This sucks, none of my friends ever need to study and they ace everything. I think I lost my book too. I'm gonna fail. I'm probably gonna get mugged tonight walking into town. I can't wait to hear all about what my idiot friends did over their super-awesome weekend
Extreme Pessimist: I'm not even gonna bother. If I don't leave my room, nothing can maim or contuse me. I had a wet-dream about death on Sunday night, only to wake up to Monday's black eyes, staring into my soul.
Situation 4: Asking an attractive woman on a date
Optimist: O wow, that girl is pretty! She might be a bit out of my league, but I think once she sees my fun personality, she will be convinced to go on a date with me. It will be like in one of those awesome Hugh Grant movies! I bet she would appreciate an inexpensive but thoughtful gift. I think we could really hit it off! Even if we don't fall for each other, I bet she could be a great friend!
Pessimist: Wow. That girl is gorgeous. Too bad she would never ever look at me. O no, she's purposely looking away from me. She must have seen me looking. Crap! I am such an idiot. O man, well even if we hung out, I bet she's really dumb and has no personality, then I would be back at square one.
Extreme Pessimist: That girl lives to destroy men! She would lead me on, then give me some awful weird things like leaving a box of worms outside my front door. Then she'll pounce! By then I would have noticed her adam's apple, but it's too late. Ewww the things s/he would do....
Situation 5: Going to a baseball game
Optimist: Peanuts and cracker jack! Hurrah, a great afternoon out for the old national pastime. This is gonna be great. If they lose, it's ok, because we all went together! Maybe I'll catch a foul ball, or get an autograph, wouldn't that be the best?
Pessimist: The tickets are so expensive, and we can never get all of our friends on board to go. Besides, I heard it was supposed to rain today. Our team never wins, we suck. Hopefully Sammy Sosa will be there, and get hit with a foul ball in his stupid face. That is the only way it would be worthwhile. The food is terrible and overpriced, and right after I buy something, I see something else I would rather have, but I just spent 15 bucks on two hot dogs and fries. This sucks.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck. baseball game. I would rather make a notebook of graph paper by hand. The game will probably go into like 10 extra innings, and then we will get harassed by a homeless person. I also heard that terrorists were planning on attacking all baseball stadiums at some time in the next 30 years, so it's best to stay away. The chemicals in the hotdogs give me irritable bowels. I hate large crowds, because a fight might happen, and I will get involved and get a black eye and broken collar bone.
Situation 6: Buying a car
Optimist: I have a nice sensible model lined up. My credit scores are perfect, and I have a distant relative who is friends with a guy at the factory where it was made, so there is no way I am getting ripped off! It's not a Corvette, but it looks nice and can carry my friends! I love going to the dealership, and smelling all the new cars. It's so exciting there, and the salesmen really seem to be enjoying their work! Maybe I'll work with them someday, helping people find the right car for them.
Pessimist: As soon as I get within 50 yards of that dealership, they are gonna be on me like vipers. The sleazy guy named something like Rick or Steven is gonna make me sign over half of my life savings for a piece of crap. I am going to get ripped off.
Extreme Pessimist: Some guy named Keith who is so devoid of scruples, he would sell his own kids to traveling Burmese merchants for a 50 dollar commission, is gonna tackle me and force me to buy a car that has an alternator made of fudge, and when I turn on the air conditioning, wasps will fly out. When I roll down the window, the gas tank explodes, and when you hit the brake, a knife swings wildly from the wheel towards my crotch. I will pay my entire life savings for it, lose my house and family, and die alone and naked.
That's all for today. I hope you know the proper choices you are making in life from now on.
Peace Love and Understanding
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