Types of People I Have Met In My Life Part 4: "Hippie" Kids

4. Hippie Kids

First of all, let me make something very clear: Unless you were born to parents who were hippies or came of age from 1965-1975, you my friend are not a hippie. Merely because you have long hair, wear "earthy" clothes, and like to go see jam bands in concert does not make you a freaking hippie. I fit all of these categories, to be honest, but in moderation: they do not make up my whole life nor do they define who I am. However, there are people who have decided to fit into this faux-hippie model, and they are pathetic human beings. Now let me paint you a picture of these individuals, so you can avoid them in the future:

If it's a guy: He will undoubtedly being decked out in either one of his many old jam band shirts, or flannel. He will be wearing pants that are made from patches of old clothes, or some sort of slacks that have been ripped and shredded. He NEVER wears shoes, unless they are sandals of some sort, and when he is barefoot, he will usually point it out to you. He loves playing frisbee and hackey-sack, and rejects conventional sports. When it comes to musical talent, there is some to go around. However, most "hippies" you will encounter make weak attempts at playing guitar, or instead of actually receiving formal instruction in percussion (like me, for example), they decided that "true rhythm can't be taught," and instead just bang on garbage or really expensive African drums with their eyes closed, as if this will help them "feel" the music better. Guys also will develop a habit of trying to learn really obscure instruments, such as the glockenspiel or sousaphone, then incorporate it into their really shitty bands. Also, they will have terrible long hair that they will constantly be brushing out of their face. They will tell you that they are really into camping and stuff, although the extent of their outdoor experience would be sleeping in the backyard of their parents' house. If you were to put any of them in the wilderness with the stuff they thought they need, they would be crying or dead within the next 3 days.

If it's a girl: They will have awful dreadlocks or braids, and their choice of clothing is atrocious. They will wear tons of wool and north face gear in an attempt to look really outdoorsy. They all wear backpacks with a holder for their Nalgene bottle, which is either filled with water or some sort of terrible organic tea. They often have ugly piercings or tattoos, and smell pretty terrible. They wear ridiculous handbags and purses that look as though they were made by a Peruvian child with epilepsy. If there is a social cause of any sort, they will do it, regardless of what it is: starving children in Africa, too many guns in Australia, illegal chocolate farm in Mongolia, Silo explosion in Gary, Indiana. You name it, they are gonna rally blindly behind it. They also range in attractiveness, from the downright adorable to Medusa.

Music they listen to: Not too much, actually. They will wear all sorts of gear from Phish and the Dead, but probably not own more than the Grateful Dead's Greatest Hits and Farmhouse by Phish. This will not stop them from wearing shirts featuring such bands as: moe., Widespread Panic, Galactic, MMW, Umphree's Mcgee, Disco Biscuits, etc. They will usually say they have "heard some of their stuff but dont actually own any of it." Another great aspect of this group is their supposed love of "enlightened" hip-hop, such as Common, the Roots, Jurassic 5, and Talib Kweli. Once any of these bands perform at a music festival, they are fair game for a "hippie"kid.

Advantages to Friendship: They are generally pretty laid back, and if you are into weed, they will almost certainly have access to some. However, they will usually make a huge deal about it on April 20th, in which they will constantly say they are going to "celebrate" the day, usually while being super "sly" and acting like an idiot. You are almost assured to know more about music or any other subject than them, and they will probably praise you for your "awesome" knowledge. Many "hippie" girls can be very cute, so I guess that is a plus. However, good luck getting her to commit to anything, because "hippies" tend to "space out."

Drawbacks of Friendship: As stated above, they space a lot. They are hopelessly idealistic about everything, usually because they never took the time to actually think things out, and because their idiot "hippie" friends all agree with them. They will try to get you to go to their activist meetings and pretend you care about pandas or organic bananas. If you want to go to a concert, do not rely on these people. They will get real excited to hear that a band is coming near to your location, because although they've never actually heard or seen them, they "hear that band is INCREDIBLE live!" However, they will never ever actually make any kind of effort to obtain tickets, because it is more important to them to make sure you know they are familiar with a band than to follow up on something. They will often get some stupid scheme that involves going to some remote location to take pictures of leaves, and then drag you along.


That's all for today, kids

Peace Love and Understanding