The Worst Songs of All Time

This post is dedicated to the worst songs ever released to the public. These selections are not a reflection on the band or artist that wrote them, not by any stretch. Rather, they are a testament to the complete lack of discretion many people show when deciding what music they like. What will follow is a list of the songs lacking in any real musical or lyrical quality, and the songs that are so derivative and soulless it makes one question the humanity of its authors. Here are presented only the top 10, as the complete list would take years to complete. These are artists who write music and perform music, making them much more heinous. So, without further ado, here are the WORST songs of all time.


10. "Sk8ter Boi"--Avril Lavigne. Here is the scenario: a major record label gave a tape recorder to a group of 8th grade girls and told them to make a song. With the help of the school's poseur "punk" band, they constructed one of the most ill-concieved compositions in the history of music. With a chorus taken straight from the "poetry" of a 13 year old's diary, and one of the most feeble attempts to "rock" that I have ever heard, this song is best left in the skin-crawling pit known as Hot Topic's stereo system.

9. "I Did It"--Dave Matthews Band. As is quite apparent from previous posts, I am not exactly enamored with Mr. Matthews. But, this song takes the cake for mediocrity. It literally sounds like the band decided to not try to write a song. The verses are meaningless, as is the case of most of David's compositions, but in this case, the real kicker is the chorus. Devoid of any semblance of catchiness or coherence, the chorus sounds like Matthews gargling mouthwash while the band is tuning up. This is another steaming pile that will hopefully be forgotten.

8. "All-Star"--Smash Mouth. Of course, the follow up single to the masterfully quirky and catchy "Walking on the Sun." This California-based, quasi-ska abomination, fronted by the most awkward frontman in rock history couldn't wait to drop this heap onto the American public. Luckily they chose the cinematic equivilant of a corkboard table, "Mystery Men" as their venue of choice. This song is so God-awful it is almost a novelty. I don't think I have ever heard a song that rocks less hard and leaves me feeling so empty after listening as this one does. The lyrics are juvenile and meaningless, including the memorable reference to the "Loser" sign, formed by one's thumb and index finger. Very cutting edge stuff, Smash Mouth. The chorus once again is both pointless and weak. It never builds to anything except the end of the song. This one was custom made for Kidz Bop.

7. A tie: "Tell Me Baby" and "Dani California"---Red Hot Chili Peppers. First off, let me say, I love the Peppers. Generally, they combine a fabulous mix of funk and rock, with great grooves and catchy riffs. However, these two songs show two things: 1. complete mis-direction in song writing, and 2. laziness. To start with, "tell me baby" suffers from what I call the New Chili Peppers Sound. Basically this entails Anthony Keidis awkwardly rapping over a light funk riff, with the exact same cadence every time: dadadadada--dadada-dada/dadadadada--dadada--dada. 99% of the time, the lyrics are either completly meaningless and are just pathetic rhymes, or they are about Keidis' depraved sexuality. Then, after the verse, the band completely shifts directions, and breaks into a chorus with a chord progression so derivative and lame, it sounds like a matchbox20 B-side. It was almost as if the band members had 2 good ideas for unrelated songs, but somehow they got slapped together. The Peppers of old knew how to make a song in which chorus and verse actually sounded like they belonged in the same song. Then there is "Dani California." This song is perhaps the greatest example of Keidis' utter failure as a vocalist to date, with lazy, half-sung verses, a go-nowhere chorus and Chili-Peppers-by-number lyrics that could have been transplanted from any other song in their entire catalogue. In many cases, the musical prowess of his backing band can at least hold my attention with their funkiness, but they fall far short of the mark on “Dani California,” choosing to simply perform an undisguised cover of Tom Petty’s early-Nineties hit, “Mary Jane’s Last Dance.” Laziness at its finest, and what's worse is that rather than ripping off an obscure song to copy, they chose instead to use the riff of a song that anyone who has ever casually flipped by a classic rock station would recognize. On top of all of that, it remained a huge hit. I don't get it.

6. Another tie: "London Bridge" and "Fergalicious" --- Fergie. These tracks both of which are essentially interchangable, are absolute abominations in the world of music. To even call them music is a stretch in itself. Both of these "songs" consist of awkwardly chanted lyrics, meant to stay lodged in your head forever, except you can't remember the actual words, probably becaude they are so miserably pointless and without any meaning. Then there is a chorus and bridge which consists of a vaguely sexual chant that is repeated over and over. This chorus is pretty much only used by, and therefore tailored specifically to one democraphic: overweight, ugly, single college girls who yell it very loudly while trying hard to look good in the half shirt with "sexy" written in sparkles on the front that they are currently spilling out of, their tight Hollister jeans holding on for dear life. These are the same individuals who model their lives after Nicole Richie, believing that people who think that their behavior is "too outrageous" are completely out of the loop and that they are totally just having fun, and people should stop judging them. Sorry, I got sidetracked. To make a long story short, these songs are absolutely atrocious, and if the person performing them looked at all like the girls who sing them at clubs, they wouldn't sell 4 copies.

5. Another Tie: "Hollaback Girl" and "Wind it up"---Gwen Stefani.

See Fergie description above.


4. "Don't Want to Miss a Thing"---Aerosmith. Well, at least they didn't write this one themselves. Credit this as the song that ushered in the era of terrible rock-ballads for the modern era. Made for the cinematic masterpiece, "Armageddon," Steven Tyler croaks his way
through the lyrics as a "majestic" string section backs him up. Everything about this song is terrible, above all the fact that it stuck in my head for weeks. UGH. I want to shoot Aerosmith.

3. "Story of a Girl"---Nine Days. The first word in "rock and roll" is "rock," which implies something hard, possibly heavy, and at least with an edge to it. However, of all the hideous, sentimental, Dawson’s Creek alterna-pop of the early 00s, this was by far the worst. This piece of crap made “Everything You Want” by Vertical Horizon sound like “Ace of Spades" by Motorhead. The opening line of this song is “This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world.” Wow. I could have sworn that this was supposed to be a rock song, but I guess I was wrong. These guys make matchbox20 look like Metallica. I wish someone could have killed the members of the band before this song was even written, but even that would be pretty bad because someone would surely play “Adam’s Song” by Blink 182 at their funeral. At least this song hasn't fallen into the category of "songs that lame college guys play on acoustic guitars under trees to get girls to sleep with them." I pray that day will never come.

2. "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)"---Green Day. If you graduated from high school, appeared in the cast of a TV show whose run was coming to an end, or went to a teenager’s funeral in the late 90s, I don’t have to explain how bad this song is. Bland, sappy, and boring, this song sucks the life out of any room or party. It is a pathetic attempt at being ironic, and even that message was lost on the millions of idiots who bought the album. The majority of those people were probably also very surprised to find that the other songs on the album featured electric guitars and lack of pussitude. This "ballad" broke the mold for lameness. It, like other songs on the list has become a joke in and of itself, with even the first few notes inducing laughter. Sounding nothing like Green Day, it is the grandaddy of the types of songs discussed in my number 1 choice for worst song ever.

1.. "Beverly Hills"--Weezer. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a big Weezer fan. But, this atrocious piece of garbage makes me wish I was born without ears. It is so bad, that it is far and away the worst track on the abismal "Make Believe" album, which is a feat in and of itself. This song takes the riff from "I love Rock and Roll," recycles the bassline from the band's brilliant "El Scorcho," and let's a small boy with ADD play with a talkbox, then records the results. This is all bad enough, now let's get to the lyrics. Millionaire frontman Rivers Cuomo sounds like a 13-year old who pretends to be suicidal to get attention. He whines about how preppy girls don't like him. He whines about how lame he is. He whines that his clothes aren't cool. SHUT THE HELL UP. No one cares. I am filled with rage as I write this post, because I am thinking about how I waited years for Weezer's follow-up to "Maladroit," and this was the best they could do???? Everything about this song is misguided and pathetic. Weezer used to be the poster boys for fun, tongue-in-cheek rock, mixing The Cars and Cheap Trick with the Pixies. Then this song. This song sells out hard to cash in on the era of Laguna Beach and the OC. This song is so pathetic and weak that as Dr. David Thorpe would say, "it would even be selling out if the Pussycat Dolls had performed it instead of Weezer." This is far and away the worst song I have ever heard, and is an embarassment to a great band. It is a lazy attempt to make some money, a betrayal to its fans, and represents everything that is wrong with music.



Tomorrow's blog will deal with the most OVERPLAYED songs. These are songs that are good but have oversatured society to the point that no one wants to hear them anymore.


Peace Love and Understanding