How To Defeat Various Monsters Part 1

In my life I have learned a thing or two about survival. However, the threats of failing classes or dealing with jerks pale in comparison to the threat of crazed monsters. These creatures pose a very imaginary yet real danger. Therefore, I have prepared a field guide in order for you to more readily recognize and defeat a monster attacker.


1. The Werewolf:

Overview: This monster is essentially a man-wolf, the creation of which can vary. It is still unknown how werewolves come to being; whether they have some genetic disease or a simple gypsy curse is still being debated by scientists. But, what we do know is that werewolves become werewolves during a full moon. If someone gets all sweaty and tells you to tie them up because a full moon is coming, you should probably do so.

Danger: Werewolves are really dangerous, and this is a fact. After transformation, they no longer exist in human form, and revert to animal instincts. Therefore, they will essentially eat the closest thing to them that has a pulse. Therefore, if you suspect a friend or neighbor may be a werewolf, it may be a good idea to keep some goats or sheep on hand, just in case. They like goats. A lot.

Defeating Werewolves: The first thing you need to remember when tangling with a werewolf is that as big, strong, and toothy as they may be, they are not really much smarter than your average household pet. One of the easiest ways to frighten them off is by screaming "no!" or "bad!" and menacing them with a rolled up newspaper or shoe. Sometimes the werewolf's common dog sense might be overwhelmed by its need to eat your skull, in which case brute force is the only method that works. Tractors are excellent for driving over werewolves, as are steam rollers and 18 wheelers. Make sure to buy these at the same place you bought the goats. Werewolves can be dodgy so be prepared to use throwing knives or some sort of improvised machete to immobilize them before running them down.


2. Ghosts:

Overview: Most people believe that when we die, we ascend to a bed of clouds, where we feast at banquets at long tables with rock stars and athletes. However, sometimes the dead aren't content doing this. Sometimes they return to Earth and hang out in abandoned houses, emerging from walls when burnout college students come poking around to take "artsy" photographs and/or get high. Ghosts can take on many forms, so it is important to try and track them. However, since tracking devices will merely pass through a ghost's body, you must try to carve something in them with a magic dagger that you must buy from the guy who sold you the goats and steamroller. To trap the ghost, you must make one of those chalked doorways like in that one episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

Danger: Ghosts cause no physical danger, per se, outside of the common instance of people getting spooked by the ghost's wacky antics and running in place while exasperated. They will be a general annoyance to you, causing books to levitate and fly everywhere, as if they own them. They will bleed out of your electrical sockets, causing them to be useless, or making your blender or lights to go on and off, running up your bills. On top of this, if you think it's awkward changing in front of your cat, try doing it with the ghost of an Indian warrior staring at you, pointing at you accusingly while you change.

Defeating Ghosts: Ghosts have no physical presence so they can't be defeated in the traditional sense, but they can be forced to leave your area with a disciplined regimen of ghost one-upmanship. Watch your ghost's behavior and carefully record its various methods of trying to frighten you. Once you feel you have a pretty complete list it's time to start showing the ghost how things are done. If it's levitating furniture then you need to build a device that shoots furniture at high velocity around the room. Does that son of a bitch make the walls ooze blood? Time to hook up some high-pressure pipes to wall spigots and fire massive columns of blood out of the walls! Don't forget about the moaning, a couple crying babies, a staple gun, and a few police megaphones and you have a room of horrors to put even the moaniest ghost to shame. Do these things and any others that would trump your phantasmal friend and before you know it he'll be heading on to greener and less emasculating pastures.


Tomorrow: Vampires, Giants, and more!


Peace Love and Understanding