College Survival

So as the school year draws to a close, I decided I would share my fictional college survival guide with you all. There are many important lessons I have learned while enrolled here and at my previous college, Canisius. So if you are planning on attending college, currently attend college, or have already, this is a guide for you so you can either improve your life or see what mistakes you made:

• First and foremost, arrange your classes in the most random and haphazard way possible. For instance, give yourself four-hour long breaks between classes. Have a class at 6 am and one at 9 pm. Make sure your schedule takes up most of your day so you have less time for studying. The less time you spend studying, the more time you can spend partying! Partying is the most important thing about college anyway, right? You have seen all of those amusing shirts at Spencer's, they all have some amusing reference to being really drunk. You need to be part of that scene. It's simple logic like this that helps so many freshmen through their first year, and singlehandedly keeps the liquor industry in business.
• Attend all your classes the first few sessions, then skip almost all the rest (you get most of your information within the first few days). The only exception to this rule is your English class, which you should attend religiously every day. Trust me, as an English major this is a must. Most English teachers have an innate ability to detect your presence, and your grades are largely based on your participation and if he / she / it likes you. Don't bother showing up to any math, science or history classes, because even if your teacher does notice you, there's no way you can get any grade higher than a "D" unless you're Asian or some kind of magic robot.
• If you are trying to get lucky and attempting to meet someone of the opposite sex, that's good too! If you are a sweet dude, you should have no problem charming a nice younfg lass, especially if you met her on Facebook. However, you should know that the "rules" have changed during your transition to college. Here is how to tell if you "scored" so you can make sure to give your buddies a full report:

First Base: Eye contact.
Second Base: Short verbal communication / acknowledgement of your presence ("hey", "what's up", "uhhhhhhh hi" etc etc).
Third Base: Maintaining a steady conversation that lasts up to a sentence.
Home Run: Holding an entire conversation of a paragraph or more without obviously staring at her breasts. If this is not possible, at least try to keep from grabbing them,pretending to juggle them, or telling her what you have already named them.

If you made it to third base already, aim for that homer, kids! Make sure to let everyone know if you keep hitting "homers" and who you are hitting them with; everyone likes to know that because as a sweet college dude, it is your right to tell them.

• A good way to meet girls is by asking them if they want to join your "study group" to prepare for an upcoming test. Try to make jokes relating to your subject when you're studying, so they can see just how witty and clever you are. If you're studying Bio, History or Art, sing them a funny song by They Might Be Giants in an exaggerated manner. Or, you can make a hilarious joke like: "That Louie Pastuer sure was one crazy mother fucker." It will be so ironic and random. LOL. ROFL.

• Smoking weed makes you super sweet, as does riding a motorcycle with no helmet and evading taxes. Remember all of those things when trying to fit in. Also, on 4/20, make sure you act sneaky in a really deliberate manner and say things like "MUNCHIES" real loud, and talk about "celebrating" the more obviously-discreet, the better.
  
• Since you are a college student, you will be expected to drink, or else you suck, obviously. Therefore, there are logical steps to take and things to know about this:

1. Start with wine coolers or fruity drinks such as "RazzDango Slice" or "Turbo Bulldog's 100% Strawberry Liquor" or "Scotch." These will be given to you at the first party of the year which will be thrown by the "super cool" freshman who totally does his own thing.
2. Beer will come next. This is when you drink with your dope-ass crew of boyz. They will totally score you some brewskies. However, there are different varieties of beer you need to be aware of the different types so you can be like "o man! I am gonna get so wasted on this cheap shit! Or haha hey man I being classy with Beer X." There is expensive beer, made from barley and glaciers. This will usually have a name like "Uberbrau", or "St. MaGonagal's Irish Olde Tyme Brau." Then there is cheap beer made from crabgrass and goat urine. This will have a name like "Red Dog" or "Old 98 Ice." If you are totally all about getting crazy, drink this.
3. Then there will be hard liquor, which you should always drink straight from the bottle and make sure to tell people how much you have had and laugh a lot. You can also put it in a bottle of pop, because just drinking pop is totally gay-ass, and you are a huge pussy if you don't put rum in your diet pepsi. Also make sure to let everyone know that you aren't just drinking pop...you don't want them thinking less of you.
4. Make sure to drink a ton of Guiness if you are irish, part irish, or have ever met anyone who is irish. Also let all of your friends know you are drinking Guiness, and that it "totally tastes better than other beers" and tell them it is because you are Irish and it the drink of your people. if they ask why exactly it tastes better, ignore them, because they are totally lame and queer.

I hope these tips were helpful, because if you follow them or have followed them, then it means you are totally bad-ass and super sweet. You are no doubt the coolest person at your school and have: had sexual intercourse many times, been totally high on drugs, been so wasted you "didn't even know what was happening, LOL!", or engaged in wacky hijinx. And after all, that is what college is all about.



Peace Love and Understanding.