I'm sure people are always telling you to look on the "bright side" of life when things go wrong. Whatever this means, it is wrong. Sometimes bad things happen. Actually, MOST times bad things happen. Therefore, the best plan of action is to plan for the "worst case scenario." Anyone who has ever met me knows I often live my life in this fashion, because, heck if the worst doesn't happen, then we are all happy, right? The worst thing someone can do when faced with a precarious situation is to be a big grinning moron, a "Hey Arnold" type, if you will. You know these people: they always have a great solution for every problem, and bad news is never as bad as it seems to them. They live by mottos such as "no worries, friend!" and never seem to get upset even when subjected to some sort of atrocity. They will seemingly be oblivious to your shock and panic at their reaction. Therefore, I have prepared a chart for all of my readers. It details the appropriate pessimistic reaction one should have. Be careful to not fall into the extremes, such as optimism or extreme pessimism.
Situation 1: A friend invites you to their birthday party
Optimist: O boy! There will be cake, and the gift I give will be appreciated by the host, and I will get to talk to some people I haven't seen in ages, wheeeeee!!
Pessimist: This may suck. My friend has that annoying girlfriend who has those bitchy friends, and those lame meathead guys will be there and act like assholes. That one girl I like is gonna be there, and I'm gonna feel real uncomfortable and want to leave. The cake is gonna taste like wool, and probably have gross raspberry filling. My "hilarious" gift now seems really dumb, but it's too late to get something new.
Extreme Pessimist: The cake is gonna be made of glass and maggots, and your friend and his Satanist crew are gonna do all sorts of awful rituals. They are going to murder a hobo and sacrifice him to the demi-gods. I'll be lucky if I leave with both kidneys
Situation 2: Getting Dressed
Optimist: Man I look great! A brand new day, where anything is possible! These new threads might stop traffic, and I know all the girls will totally dig it!
Pessimist: O geez, I look like such a loser. How come I can't ever pull off the look I am going for? I look like I woke up at a bus station. Ugh I better just spray on some Febreeze and get this day underway until I can get back and shower and take a nap.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck! I have the color sense of Helen Keller. My clothes look like they were pried from the corpse of a dead hooker. I can't even get myself to walk out the door. I know cats and dogs will attack me, and people will spit on me. I would kill myself, but I'm pretty sure I'd just screw that up too.
Situation 3: Going to work/class on Monday
Optomist: Alright! I can't wait to tell everyone about my sweet weekend! I have a whole week ahead of me to have fun with my peers and coworkers. I love to be productive! I can't wait to get started on all my new assignments. I wonder what fun stuff I'll learn this week??
Pessimist: Ugh. I am behind on all my work. That weekend went by so fast, I feel like I wasted all of it. Now I have to deal with all these idiots in my class/at work. This sucks, none of my friends ever need to study and they ace everything. I think I lost my book too. I'm gonna fail. I'm probably gonna get mugged tonight walking into town. I can't wait to hear all about what my idiot friends did over their super-awesome weekend
Extreme Pessimist: I'm not even gonna bother. If I don't leave my room, nothing can maim or contuse me. I had a wet-dream about death on Sunday night, only to wake up to Monday's black eyes, staring into my soul.
Situation 4: Asking an attractive woman on a date
Optimist: O wow, that girl is pretty! She might be a bit out of my league, but I think once she sees my fun personality, she will be convinced to go on a date with me. It will be like in one of those awesome Hugh Grant movies! I bet she would appreciate an inexpensive but thoughtful gift. I think we could really hit it off! Even if we don't fall for each other, I bet she could be a great friend!
Pessimist: Wow. That girl is gorgeous. Too bad she would never ever look at me. O no, she's purposely looking away from me. She must have seen me looking. Crap! I am such an idiot. O man, well even if we hung out, I bet she's really dumb and has no personality, then I would be back at square one.
Extreme Pessimist: That girl lives to destroy men! She would lead me on, then give me some awful weird things like leaving a box of worms outside my front door. Then she'll pounce! By then I would have noticed her adam's apple, but it's too late. Ewww the things s/he would do....
Situation 5: Going to a baseball game
Optimist: Peanuts and cracker jack! Hurrah, a great afternoon out for the old national pastime. This is gonna be great. If they lose, it's ok, because we all went together! Maybe I'll catch a foul ball, or get an autograph, wouldn't that be the best?
Pessimist: The tickets are so expensive, and we can never get all of our friends on board to go. Besides, I heard it was supposed to rain today. Our team never wins, we suck. Hopefully Sammy Sosa will be there, and get hit with a foul ball in his stupid face. That is the only way it would be worthwhile. The food is terrible and overpriced, and right after I buy something, I see something else I would rather have, but I just spent 15 bucks on two hot dogs and fries. This sucks.
Extreme Pessimist: Yuck. baseball game. I would rather make a notebook of graph paper by hand. The game will probably go into like 10 extra innings, and then we will get harassed by a homeless person. I also heard that terrorists were planning on attacking all baseball stadiums at some time in the next 30 years, so it's best to stay away. The chemicals in the hotdogs give me irritable bowels. I hate large crowds, because a fight might happen, and I will get involved and get a black eye and broken collar bone.
Situation 6: Buying a car
Optimist: I have a nice sensible model lined up. My credit scores are perfect, and I have a distant relative who is friends with a guy at the factory where it was made, so there is no way I am getting ripped off! It's not a Corvette, but it looks nice and can carry my friends! I love going to the dealership, and smelling all the new cars. It's so exciting there, and the salesmen really seem to be enjoying their work! Maybe I'll work with them someday, helping people find the right car for them.
Pessimist: As soon as I get within 50 yards of that dealership, they are gonna be on me like vipers. The sleazy guy named something like Rick or Steven is gonna make me sign over half of my life savings for a piece of crap. I am going to get ripped off.
Extreme Pessimist: Some guy named Keith who is so devoid of scruples, he would sell his own kids to traveling Burmese merchants for a 50 dollar commission, is gonna tackle me and force me to buy a car that has an alternator made of fudge, and when I turn on the air conditioning, wasps will fly out. When I roll down the window, the gas tank explodes, and when you hit the brake, a knife swings wildly from the wheel towards my crotch. I will pay my entire life savings for it, lose my house and family, and die alone and naked.
That's all for today. I hope you know the proper choices you are making in life from now on.
Peace Love and Understanding
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