How To Defeat Various Monsters Part 2

Continuing my field guide on monster combat I present three more monsters that you will be even more likely to encounter in your everyday life:

3. Vampires:

Overview: Vampires are immortal denizens of the night that have contracted a vampirous disease from other vampires. They are usually swishing and effeminate, and love calling attention to themselves. Do not be confused however: contrary to popular belief, vampires are very different from Theater majors at a liberal arts school, since Theater majors are often seen in front of mirrors. Vampires crave blood, but unlike their wolf counterparts, they are a bit more subtle in their pursuit of a victim. They often wear mesh tanktops, leather pants or chaps, and a bejeweled codpiece. They are usually quite thing, except the rare Bear Vampire, who is generally quite hairy and portly, and wears leather vests and rubber cowboy boots.

Danger Posed: Modern vampires usually gather in their special vampire clubs for rituals and so forth. Therefore, make sure at night you avoid the vampire district of town, because they will be intoxicated with blood and hunt you down. Fangs to the neck hurt a ton, so you want to wear a steel turtleneck or something like that. There have been many notable vampire hunters in our society over the last twenty years to protect us from this threat, but Congress has since declared the harassment and hunting of vampires as a hate crime.

Defeating Vampires: It is relatively easy to kill a vampire who is attacking you: either cut their head off, or drive a wooden stake through their heart. The only bad side effect is the smoking puddle of goo they will make on the ground. Therefore, make sure you aren't killing vampires on a rug you care about. Another option is to get them into sunlight. to which they are deathly allergic. However, since not all of us can control the sun, this may be less feasible.

4. Giants:

Overview: It is right there in the name: these beings are just plain huge. They are usually about ten times the height and strength of the average humans, except the giants who are about 300 times the size of humans. There are several types of giant: First, there is the misunderstood hill-dweller who steals livestock and destroys property during the night, just trying to survive. Then, there is the elusive Cyclops, and the not so massive but exceedingly aggressive Minotaur. Giants are not often known to eat humans, unless they are starving or really pissed at a village of townsfolk. The reported cases of friendly giants are so few and far-between, that they should be ignored completely...assume that a giant will do you harm if you encounter one.

Danger Posed: They can smash stuff. Also, since the urban sprawl of the later 20th century, the quaint agrarian societies formed by giants have been impeded upon by housing developments and shopping centers, causing giants to become even more aggravated and surly. Law enforcement should therefore shoot anyone over 6-4 that they encounter in the streets.

Defeating Giants: Stalk them to find out their routine and then figure out a time to ambush them. One great thing about being human is the uncanny ability to figure out how to make stuff explode. Therefore, blow something up when the giant least expects it. Make sure to do something with the body, because the hot sun will make that thing stink up the whole countryside.

5. Firemen

Overview: These supposed protectors of our homes and property are actually sorcerers who control the precious gift of fire. Their true faces are hideous, but they cover them with rugged and confident masks. They congregate at "fire departments" where they conduct experiments. They are able to produce flames from their hands and eyes, and walk through walls

Danger Posed: They have infiltrated every facet of our society, and many have taken mates from our human society. While they live their day to day lives often pretending to fight the very fires they create, they are actually working together in some bizarre scheme for world domination. If confronted firemen are prone to react violently by using their powers to attack you. Almost no mortal man could hope to be a match for their deviltry so it is suggested that you either keep your distance or come well prepared.

Defeating Firemen: In an ironic twist, the weapons which will help you defeat a Fireman are the ones that they keep close at hand. High pressure hoses, fire extinguishers, non-flammable foam, and even buckets of water are all very effective weapons when doing battle with a Fireman. Don't believe their lies about being hardworking American heroes either. They'll try to lure you into letting your guard down with pathetic pleas to stop, but the proof is in the smear of bubbling pudding they leave behind after you've banished them back to the netherworld.



Peace Love and Understanding