If only life were like Tecmo

Another football season come and gone, with my beloved Bills once again facing the business end of a losing season. As I drown my sorrows in Wegman's brand Cocoa Krispies and mozzarella sticks, I begin a season of a different sort. A Tecmo football season. For those of you not familiar with Tecmo Super Bowl, it is one of the greatest sports video games ever. If played correctly, it can produce levels of football joy more powerful than anything a Bills fan can experience.

In Tecmo world, here is how the Bills would fare:

First, the Bills would always choose to kick off, as they know getting the ball back at halftime is the most important strategy.
Then, the Bills storied defense would take the field. They would call one of the opposition's 8 available plays, and like a swarm of bees, converge on the quarterback, sacking him for a loss of 11 yards each time. If the opposition does manage to get a play off, here is what would happen: If it was a run, Takeo Spikes would stay back in coverage and wait for the runner to get into open field. Then he would track him down and tackle him. If they passed the ball, Nate Clements would follow the receiver's flashing arrow to find his location, then leap 10 feet into the air and catch the ball over his head.

Now the Bills have the ball. Losman calls a play. It's a pass. he fades back 35 yards until Lee Evans' flashing arrow is at the 20 yard line. The defense is powerless, as the players are thrown to the ground by the Bill's O-line, unable to get up, no matter how frantically "A" is pressed. Losman then slings the ball about 70 yards downfield with perfect accuracy to Evans. The Defense has suddenly gained the ability to sprint the length of the field in a matter of milliseconds, but Evans merely has to run in a zig-zag fashion from sideline to sideline until he reaches the endzone. Once, he is grabbed and locks up with a defender, but its ok, because he frantically presses "A" until he shakes his man. If he is somehow tackled at the goal line, Losman simply presses X, and Willis McGahee will dive over the line into the endzone. Then, Willis will leap into Losman's arms and point to the sky. Losman at this point is African American, and able to bench 3 Buicks. Meanwhile, Jason Peters looks sassy in the background.

On defense again, the Bills send Aaron Schoebel in for the sack, He is able to get good position because he has pressed down and "B" to lurch across the line. Once he sacks the QB, he finds the nearest camera and flexes, as the quarterback attempts to do a pushup behind him.

Even the kick team gets in on it. When the Bills elect to punt, Brian Moorman unleashes his trademark 85 yard punt by waiting for the red power bar to reach the end of the gauge. When settling for a field goal, kicker Rian Lindell lines up his kick by waiting for his flashing arrow to synch up with the goalpost.

The Bills go 16-0. However, like real life, they lose the Super Bowl, except this time they lose by one score, either as Lee Evans is tackled at the goal line as time expires on a 75 yard pass from Losman, or they lose because as time expires, Reggie Bush breaks a 68 yard run on 4th and 13 to score.

Peace Love and Understanding. Go Bills