Jesse and the Rippers: Legends

Led Zeppelin. Pink Floyd. The Beatles. Stevie Wonder. Zack Attack. These music legends have accomplished so much and hold a permanent place on the mantle of rock music. However, these acts are eclipsed by the mighty power of Jesse and the Rippers, perhaps the finest band to ever grace this mortal coil.

The Rippers, a staple of the Fat Fish record company, started out as a garage and high school dance band in the early 1980's. As an offshoot of the failed Feedback, which featured Scott Baio, The Rippers honed their signature sound by soaking in the most rocking influences: Lame Rock from the 1950's and 60's. Their trademark jam, "Do Wah Diddy" rocked so hard, that it was impossible to listen for more than 30 seconds without getting pregnant or spontaneously combusting. With the addition of that horse-faced guy who played keytar and that girl singer, the line-up was complete, with frontman Jesse Katsopolis leading them into the fray.

The Rippers struggled for years, until they finally became the houseband for the legendary Smash Club, where teens flocked to dance awkwardly to the infectious grooves of "Hound dog" and "Heartbreak Hotel." It was not long before The Rippers took their act on the road. With the addition of another keytar player, the sound became more rich and full, and they began to attract more attention from record companies. Jesse claimed this was due to the band's "post-punk, grunge, pop, reggae, fusion rock thing going on." Indeed they had that thing going on. Never was this style of music more clear than on the band's classic sing along, "(You Make Me Wanna) Shout" clearly a landmark in "grunge reggae post punk" music.

However, this great feeling could not last forever. Tensions within the band forced Jesse out to form a much less rocking side project, Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets, which featured guitar virtuoso Viper on lead guitar. Much controversey still remains to this day over Jesse's choice of Viper over the much heralded Danny "Mildew" Tanner, known for his erractic and often times dangerous yet brilliant acts of defiance on stage.

This brief period allowed Jesse to do some thinking and pursue other ventures, including radio DJ, club owner, and advertising executive, all of which he was incredibly qualified for, partenered each time with the mentally-retarded man-boy, Joey Gladstone.

It was not long though, before The Rippers reunited, once again with Jesse at the helm. At this point in the story, Jesse's creative genius began to flourish, and the band produced a hit single and music video for the song "Forever" written by Jesse. The song was influenced by a Beach Boys song of the same name, so much so, that it contained the exact same melody and lyrics. The song and accompanying video became so big that it brought on a tour to Japan. Jesse accrued some controversey however. During the band's signature opener, the epic rock opus "Help Me Rhonda," the Japanese cue cards Jesse was using fell, and in a moment of rage, he began listing off all of the Japanese products he could think of, seemingly to mock the Japanese. He was chased out of the country and never returned.

The Rippers never matched the chart success of "Forever" but they maintained a following that overshadowed even that of the Grateful Dead. They toured relentlessly for 15 more years, selling out arenas wherever they went. They eventually retired, but made 2 guest appearances, one at a benefit for the victims of a plane crash, victims that included Jesse's scheming cousin Stavros. They appeared again to play a concert to raise money to find a cure for niece Michelle's amnesia. It turned out all she had to do was hug an anthromorphic embodiment of her memory, that happened to look like her, but without The Rippers help, this may not have been possible.

To this day, Jesse and the Rippers may be the most important act to ever play a note, and while not enshrined in the Official Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, they have a plaque at Van Atta Juniot High in San Francisco and in the hearts of their millions---no, billions, of fans worldwide.

Scott Ian of the band Anthrax has called them "A....[band]?" as have their famous opening act, Human Pudding, whose "loud" brand of music has set a new standard of junior high rock and roll.

Jesse and the Rippers will never be forgotten for their impact on society, culture, and music, changing the landscape of humanity....."Forever....FOREVER!!!"


Peace Love and Understanding