Epic Tales of Mediocrity: Aerosmith is Terrible and other thoughts

Life is full of routine, and every so often it is nice to have it broken up. However, there is one group of people that make this very hard. No matter what happens around them, they constantly suck. They sucked 30 years ago, and they suck now. They suck with a goat, they suck on a boat. They suck in the sea and suck in a tree. You can set your watch to their suckitude. If anything goes wrong in your life, you can always count on them sucking. Who are these mystery men? It is none other than that group of dinosaurs from Boston, the one the only AEROSMITH!

To start with, all of their miserable generic rock songs sound identical. Their lyrics are all pathetic attempts to be sexy and edgy, and come off as lame label-whores who custom-stitch "raunchy rock" for people who don't know any better. The only songs that are slightly different are their ballads which, surprise, are all written by someone else. They are probably the most over-rated group of hacks still cranking out music, mostly because everyone else in their recording age bracket is dead, or smart enough to hang it up.

The worst thing about them though, is Steven Tyler, the most obnoxious frontman ever. Steven Tyler is not in the music industry as an artist. He’s in it for, as he put it, “The Three M’s: money, music, and mmm… pussy!” Very classy, you flyweight geriatric ghoul. By the way, there is nothing cool about dressing like a homeless transvestite.

Aerosmith making bad rock is bad enough, but at least it was a formula. Then came 2000's "Just Push Play" an awful attempt at a hip, overproduced, "swing-style" dance album. Well, they got the over-produced part right....even up to that obnoxious vocal effect made popular in Cher's "Believe." Appearing on SNL complete with a DJ and synthesized horns section, Aerosmith set a new precedent for what rubbish was accepted as music.

In some other thoughts, good for Tiger Woods for doing his own stunts in that new commercial. Let the guy have some fun.

In three weeks pitchers and catchers report for spring training. It's that great period when I can get really excited about a new season with all the promise of the first winning season since 1997 for the Orioles, before reality sets in 4 months later.

That's all for today. Also, if you ever get a chance to kick someone in the groin, take it. You never know how often you will get that chance in your life.

Today's list (since I am in a creative mood) is phrases assembled by me and my room mate, by each of us yelling a word at the same time and putting them together. Feel free to use them as band names: