To start we present:
The Reedy Indie Voice: this voice is associated with those indie singers who feel totally worthwhile because they don't act like that slut Christina Aguilera. These women rely on very breathy, thin voices to deliver poetic lyrics over either soothingly melodic indie tunes, or self-consciously angular and non-cohesive pieces. Some examples of this voice include:
1. The chick from Camera Obscura
2. The chick from Bishop Allen
3. Regina Spektor (I don't know if the spelling is right, and I don't care)
4. Neko Case
5. That Hillary woman from Apples in Stereo
6. The chick from Aberdeen
7. Jennifer O'Connor
8. The singer from Dressy Bessy
9. Both members of Veruca Salt
10. Kim Deal
Next up we have:
The Thin, Reedy, Pop Star Voice: To fit this category, you must have your own voice dubbed several times on your recordings to make up for the fact that it isn't powerful at all. You mostly breathe your lyrics rather than sing them. You concentrate more on dancing than anything else, and what makes things worse is that millions of girls across the country model themselves after you and appear on American Idol. This has led to a nationwide watering-down of talent and threatens to make actual talent obsolete. If you are one of these singers, you have set the bar super low in the music world.
Here are some examples:
1. Britney Spears
2. any woman from the last 3 seasons of American Idol
3. Jessica Simpson
4. Nelly Furtado (who used to be cool...remember "I'm like a bird" ?)
5. members of all-girl a capella groups
6. That chick from Len
7. The Spice Girls
8. 98% of anyone you hear on the radio
The "Look at how powerful my voice is because I riff on every note I sing" voice:
The other 2% of radio women make up this category. This is the opposite end of the spectrum, where girls say to themselves, ok, I will overcompensate and when I sing, I wil stretch every note I sing to every end of the range of hearing, back again, and wrapped around and through the hole. Then they do that stupid thing where they close their eyes, lean back and move their hand around with the notes. Please, just sing the notes that fit the music and soforth. Some examples of these divas include:
1. Beyonce Knowles. (Yes she has a last name, idiot...everyone has a last name. It seems as though the record company made you forget that part)
2. Mariah Carey
3. Any black women on American Idol
4. Christina Aguilera, when she takes a break from being a slut that offends all of my senses
Now let's look at some voices that are original. This is not to say that they are more talented than anyone else on this list, far from it. In fact, most of the Indie voices I love. So here are some voices that don't fit any molds:
- Alanis Morrisette
- Norah Jones
- Gwen Stefani
- Joni Mitchell
- The chick from the Cranberries
- Kate Pierson
- The singer from The Sounds
Peace Love and Understanding
2 comments:
The female vocalist in Camera Obscura is Tracyanne Campbell. Two female ex-members of Bishop Allen, Bonnie Karin and Margaret Miller had some vocal duties. Hilarie Sidney sings for Apples in Stereo, while Beth Arzy does the same for Aberdeen. The vocalist in Dressy Bessy is Tammy Ealom. In Veruca Salt, Louise Post and Nina Gordon each sang. In LEN, Sharon Constnzo did. For The Sounds, it was Maja Ivarsson. Finally, "The chick from the Cranberries" is named Dolores O'Riordan.
My point here isn't that I know all of this - and, therefore, more than you - because I don't. Rather, it's quite simple to look these things up. If you're going to preemptively chastise your readers for not knowing that Beyonce's last name is Knowles, it'd make sense to take a couple seconds to look up the names of the artists you're writing about.
More importantly, if you don't want to appear to be a total misogynist, it would help if you didn't refer to women as this or that "chick."
Yeah, I know, the word chick is so offensive...I've been getting a lot of angry comments about that, and I heard that a Women's Lib movement is starting a protest outside my window. And obviously if a woman refered to a guy as "that dude" I'm sure you would be equally perturbed?
Shall I give you directions to the nearest clinic, or do you have enough Vagasil left to last you the rest of this comment?
I'm kidding.
However,
The names of these people are not important, because the focus is not on the name, it is on the voice. If I was writing a blog about lame men's voices, I would say "that dude from Hawthorne Heights" or something like that. Why would I write, "for example, take Nina Gordon or Tammy Ealom" readerswould be like, "who??" but by providing simply the band associated with the voice, it is easier for readers to comprehend. I hope this explanation was helpful
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